Travel 3. Other Self

It was a party. I knew that I was 15 years old, but how could that be possible? I know that I am 18. In my right hand, there was a doll I used to play a lot with when I was a little girl. Suddenly, I saw two guys on the floor, crawling. But everything was so weird, I have never seen those dudes in my life. I walked into the kitchen, and for some reason, my mom was really mad at me.

She shouted at me, and kept doing it until she kicked me out of the kitchen. A storm would come and I couldn't get in the house anymore. Everything was dark and I was in the middle of nowhere.

The house, the party, the doll, my mom and those boys, were completely gone.

I was on my knees again, and when I looked up, I woke up. It was a total nightmare. But nothing could be worse than this: I was tied up to the bed, and without even noticing, I was screaming.

My mind was exploding inside me, I tried to scape. I just couldn't see anything but darkness with yellow stripes, and the first thing that came to my head was the idea of being completely crazy. Finally, I felt a pain in the neck. And everything was white.

Now, I have opened my eyes again. This time was for real. There were nothing such as nightmares. I was in my bed, and next to me was my very little but useful table with so many beer bottles on it. Then I remembered I had been drinking with Harlow, until he was so drunk that I had to call Georgia to pick him up. I wouldn't let him stay here since he must be at college by the morning. And I should start thinking about a career as well.

I felt tired, really tired. My nightmares were so vivid, probably I need to take yoga a little more. I need to calm down and focus on my future, and to stop traveling around just because I want to find the reason of this ability. I thought about Nirvana. I've been searching for her in every place I go, but she doesn't exist. She just doesn't exist here, which makes me feel extremely sad and uncomfortable.

What if I'm just dreaming?

Maybe I'm just having what they call astral projection. But that must be impossible, since I would have died days ago. And I don't think I'm that great at controlling my consciousness from not falling asleep while "traveling". I'm just not that good at controlling anything at all.

I took a shower after having breakfast. My mom left me a note, she was going to be away for the day. So that would give me plenty of time to clean the house without her trying to help and end up doing everything.

While putting the towel around me, I heard someone was crying. I looked around, confused because probably it was my mother, but I was completely alone. And I wasn't scared at all. I felt like the crying was totally familiar. I quickly put on a jumpsuit, the one I generally use to sleep, like a pajama. I got down the stairs and there it was a gate, in the middle of the kitchen.

-Shall we go? I've been waiting for you half an hour- said Nirvana, angry at me.

-What? We had a meeting today? We haven't seen each other for a while.

-I think I found my daughter- she said, crying.

The sound was coming through the gate. We got in there, and lead us into a wonderful garden, the most beautiful one I've ever seen. There were roses everywhere, and I couldn't stop thinking about the garden that the Beast* had, with those pretty white roses. In the corner of the garden, was standing a beautiful house. It wasn't big but neither little. I could tell it was from a family of good economy position. There were people outside, but from their looks, it seemed that we were in the 40s.

There was also a very big difference from the other travels I had with Nirvana: in this one, absolutely no one was seeing us. Either it was because they couldn't care less about us and our "futuristic fashion", or because they literally couldn't see us.

-Why is everybody...

-Ignoring us?- interrupted Nirvana. -Because they can't see us. Don't ask me why, I don't know.

We got into a big room. There was a woman, crying and crying, carrying a baby in her arms. The bed was full of blood, and the baby as well. My heart ached because I was seeing an adult Nirvana, probably around her thirties, smiling with so much pain. That is the very first reason I do not want to have babies.

Then, we saw an older woman, who took the baby away from her, and Nirvana the mom was crawling in the floor, pleading to not separate her from the baby. It was a horrible and devastating scene. Another woman, who was sitting next to Nirvana, was hugging her. I turn to Nirvana, the teenager.

-I can't remember anything. I only remembered that I have a baby. But something else, I just can't.

-What are you planning to do?

-Follow her. Know her name. That woman is supposed to be my mother, but I don't know her.

-What? How come is that?

-It's clear that my daughter is not from my time. I don't know if she exists right now or if she is already dead. I don't know her name. And I don't know how I am that person in my old life, because that is not the mom I know now. It is twisted because how would I look exactly like that woman, if I do not have the same genes as her. And I know that is her (or my) mom, because she's been pleading her to not take the baby from her.

She was all panicked and so was I. Clearly, reincarnation does exist, but I thought it was always in different bodies, even different sex.

-Why are you looking for this? Is your past life. You have this one now.

I didn't want her to suffer.

-Because I had a dream of this. I need to know this, I must know what happened with that girl.

The same old woman appeared again, this time, with no baby.

-I need you to keep Alicia sleeping. Gave her medications, anything to make her feel like she had a bad dream. No one has to know she had a daughter.

The lady who was next to Nirvana cried and nodded.

-Your name is Alicia- I whispered.

-What a fucked up name.

-It reminds me of little Alice in Wonderland.

-Everything reminds you of fairytales, and that one is about a nut girl who was so highly doped that thought she was in a world full of crazy stuff. Do you think we are highly doped?

And I felt the hate in her voice. She was hurt. Instead of apologizing, a little light popped up in my head.

-Nirvana, what if your name is Alice right now?

She looked at me, now confused.

-In what year you had born?

-1976. And I'm Sagittarius, just to make sure. Why?

-In my time, I have been looking for you. But you don't exist, at least not in England.

-But that's impossible! Right now, I'm living there, in this life! I'm just a few years older than you.

-Tons of years, I'd say. I was born in 2002.

-The point is?

-The point is, that maybe you have changed your name or country. Probably you right now exist as Alice, maybe you remember that fact but can't remember anything else, or do you live normally after every travel?

She shook her head.

-I don't know why can't you remember, because I can now.

-I don't know either. It's traveling after traveling that I live. I just have memories of 6 travelings, counting this one.

-Mrs. Brown! MRS. BROWN!- screamed a servant.

Nirvana and I were almost asleep when that shouting woke up us. We looked at Alice, who was all pale, completely pale. We went closer to her without hesitating, since no one could see us. She wasn't breathing anymore, and she was completely cold.

-The fuck up- said Nirvana, pulling herself as far as possible from the body.

I started to cry again. I have seen my boyfriend the day he born, and now I see my friend dying.

Then, when I looked at the place where Nirvana was, she has gone. She has disappeared. I was all by myself in a room where my friend was killed, her daughter was taken away from her. I touched my necklace, to see where it was going to take me this time.

I needed to find myself, my purpose. And I don't know if my purpose is to help Nirvana find her daughter, or to find Harlow in another life and proof what I have always thought of: he being my ultimate soulmate. Which I think is ridiculous. I mean, what could be another reason for me to be through all of this, when my necklace is the key. Maybe Nirvana was wrong.

I walked down my old high school, and to be honest I don't even know what was I doing there. I thought about going back home, so I don't even know this year. I got into the high school, but being careful that nobody was watching me, because I didn't know if I was still invisible. I look for myself but there were no trace of me, which probably means I was just in my bed. But I didn't see any of my friends either. And as everybody wore uniforms, I couldn't tell if I was near my age or before.

A guy was looking at my direction and making some faces at me, which means I was totally a target to be seen. I wanted to puke because first of all, he was a young version of the most sexist man I've ever met in my entire life: Professor Aponte. He used to teach us Math and Sciences. And also, he used to harass some of the girls, until I don't really remember who, demanded him. And second of all, his appearance was awfully stinky.

I couldn't let myself kick him in the ass because then, I'd cause a major trouble. So I went out of the school as fast as possible, and walk around the block. I saw this pretty café, vintage one, and luckily I've got some money. When I was about to get in, I saw Harlow. But a little version of him, probably in his 8 or 9 years old. I couldn't tell.

He was with a girl, the same age as him. But it wasn't Lena, his best friend since kids. I didn't know who that girl was. But when I looked into her eyes, I felt something inside me. Like pain and warning. I started to feel that something really awful was going to happen.

I came closer to them without having them notice me. His mother was nowhere to be seen and the girl gave me a weird vibe. They were talking nonsense, and then Harlow hold her hand and smile so innocently. My heart melted because I felt like seeing at my son.

-You are the prettiest boy I've ever seen- she said. And then, with no reason at all, she just walked away. Harlow was smiling at her with so much love. But then, his facial expression changed. He seemed horrified, with tears in his eyes. Before I could say anything, I turn around and there she was: the little girl on the pavement, a car all crashed up on the walls, and blood coming out of the car and the head of the girl.

My heart started to hurt, as well as my head. And as she was gone, I was gone as well. Because that girl was me, in my prior life, the prior to this one. And I need to focus on my past to see how it reflected on my present. I know that I was nothing at that moment, because when I next woke up, I was invisible again. I was on my birth day, literally my "born" day. It was 2002.

Sheffield. February 11th, 2002.

I didn't want to stay there, in that moment. I didn't care about knowing how I was born. I just rubbed my Agatha necklace once more. This time, I was hoping to go back to my present. Again, I was wrong.

I was inside a really beautiful café. Savoy Café.

Everything seemed to be from my time, except for the kind of cellphones people in there were using. Obviously, I was around in 2012, because those Samsung Pockets were kind of a hit. As always, I didn't know what was my purpose in that place, and a young man came to me to take my order, even though he never gave me a menu.

-Check out the centerpieces next time- he said, winking at me.

He wasn't bad looking tho.

While he gave me more time to order, even when I had no coin at all and I was just planning to get my fuck out of there, a voice that came from the television caught my attention.

It's your mouth

And the taste of your kiss

It's the way you touch me

And your dazzling fingers

And is in all your body

Every little thing

That make you so irresistible to me

Driving me crazy, can't get you out of my mind

Irresistible

I was in a complete state of shock, it was impossible for me to move even my eyes. I couldn't blink, I couldn't speak, and I almost forgot how to breath. My boyfriend, the boy who I was deeply in love with since I was a kiddo, was singing. For a show, big one. And he was with other dudes that I had never heard about. Those weren't his friends. Not in my time and not in my life at least. How could that be? We were just 8 years apart. He never sang for a TV show, ever. I would have known that. I was a fucking stalker.

-He sings so well! But I think that Lathan has a better voice.

The waiter was telling me what he thinks, and I couldn't care less.

-I don't even know who is Lee- I said in a bad mood. Because that thing was getting on my nerves. -What is the name of the guy with curls? The green-eyed one.

-There's no way you don't know- he said in such a disbelief. -That's Artz Wrapped, the greatest band after the Beatles that England has ever known.

He was so proud of it.

-I asked you the name of the guy with green eyes and cute smile- I repeated.

-You really got a mood, huh? That's Hayden. Hayden Stabler. And just like you, most of the girls are going nuts about him. He really is a pop star.

I just went out of there running.

Hayden Stabler. Hayden Stabler. Hayden Stabler.

I kept repeating that name, which sounded so strange to me. I have never knew someone with that last name. My Harlow wasn't Harlow anymore. My boyfriend was a singer, a worldwide celebrity among other buds. I checked out my phone, but the time was from mine. I looked at a newspaper stand, and I was in December, 2012.

I tried to make up some memories. In 2012 I was 10 years old, which means that I had already knew Harlow's existance a year before that one. In December of that year, he was already in college and also, he did a trip to Bath with two of his friends.

All of that I knew because one of the guys he went with, was my cousin's boyfriend. She told me everything about it.

So, stopping the calculations, and thinking deeply about what I had seen today, I'm not in my world. Indeed, London is the very same thing as I knew it, but it was impossible that Harlow would go there being famous without me noticing. He just doesn't know how to keep a secret, and neither from me. I have never heard of a band being a hit at the moment and that dude was not Harlow but Hayden.

Whoever that was, he made my heart beat.

Since I got in the conclusion that I'm not in my world, I was about to make my necklace rescue me, because probably I was in Mars or something. But then I saw myself. MYSELF OF TEN YEARS OLD.

She was there, smiling while holding hands with whom I reckon as my mother. She had a short hair, just like I had when I was 10. She was thin and tall, because I used to be like that until I started eating and never stopped since then.

I really was cute.

I totally followed my little self and my mom, but from far away since I, of course, didn't want them to get scared of me. I was a futuristic person for them.

-Hey Sam, do you think we should go on Savoy's now? It is not far from here.

-I'm starving, so I think is a total yes.

I couldn't get in there again. The waiter already knew who I was and if he sees the girl, he would beat the crap out of himself. Poor boy.

Because my face hasn't changed a thing.

And nothing was right, how come I was in the past but not my past. That girl wasn't me. She didn't live my life as I did. That wasn't my mom because she would never take me to Savoy at that young age, since she still thinks I'm a baby to drink coffee. And overall, Harlow not being Harlow.

-I will so marry him- said the girl. I looked at her from the window and listened my mom laughing.

-You have been praying for that since last year. You are such a lost case.

My heart melted. Even if he was a celebrity and not Harlow, and even if my name was Sam, I would always feel attracted to him. How could that be possible?

-If you weren't studying Law, what would you do?

-Well, you know... I have always been into singing. And writing as well.

-I never heard you sing.

-And you never will.

-What about the writing? Books, poems, or songs?

-What do you think?

-Poems.

-Why would you think that?

-Just look at yourself. You have that aura of being an artsy person. Everything in you screams creativity. And your eyes are willingly looking for something new, something completely out of routine. To be honest with you, I don't understand why would you like to be a lawyer.

-I don't see myself as a journalist, and business is a little boring. Sociology and law are good things, they go in one-on-one.

I looked at Harlow. He was talking to me, finally. He says that I'm cute. Like a little sister. But I'll never be just that.

-You are a whole written poem. Believe me, you must write poems.

He looked at me, a little surprised by my words.

-I'd follow your advice, girl.

-Alexandra. My name is Alexandra. And I'm 11 years old already. I'm not "girl".

He was still staring at me.

-You must remember her name very well, since she said you are going to be her husband- said my mom, laughing out loud.

He was a 19 year old boy who got all blushed.

-See you- I said. And walked away.

I woke under a little bridge. I was still in another world, there were few plastic trash here that used to be from a merchandising of Artz Wrapped.

Hayden Stabler.

I didn't remember the time when Harlow told me about wanting to sing. I didn't know when I was going to see him again, since returning into my reality was something impossible. Nirvana was gone, my boyfriend was gone, I have no idea about my parents because I haven't seen them anywhere since my first trip. Everything was gone, and I was all by myself. I could never rely on people that looked like my loved ones (including me), since they are just not my people. They are strangers.

I don't know what am I going to do, but that man called Hayden Stabler must get married to my little self. If her parallel version could do it, she could do it as well.