Burnout

In the blink of an eye (maybe Creature was really that fast and maybe I blacked out from exhaustion, I'm not sure) we had traveled miles away. With some of my strength returned, I managed to kick and claw my way out of Creature's grasp and onto the ground. 

I scrambled away, thinking he might scoop me back up, but he merely stood there, his limbs dragging on the ground and antennae hanging limp. 

Still, I waited—until I recalled what Wolf had told him. He'd said something to Creature about running until he couldn't anymore, so he must also be at his limits. I took a few steps away from him to check, and he didn't come for me. 

"I am going back," I announced. 

"If small master wish," he muttered, sounding as tired as I thought he was. 

The terrible anger that had been smoldering inside me fanned into real flames again suddenly stomped toward Creature and brandished an accusatory finger in his direction. It was enough to make him slink away, but I didn't get close enough to touch him before I launched into a delirious tirade, doing my damnedest to stay in Yaut'ja the whole time no matter how many words I fucked up.

"You!" I started.

"Me," he squeaked out, only to be drowned out by my own voice.

"If you had not stolen me, we could have done victory! Critter was brave and did fighting, but you ran like coward. Three of us could have taken the bad bloods and save Wolf, but no. No!" I barked, growing more and more frustrated with each mispronounced word or wrongly conjugated verb. 

I usually spoke slowly to make sure I was getting it right, but now I was just sloppily stringing together sentences to try and get my point across to this unfeeling and unruly insect.

To his credit, he stood there and took it all.

"So we are going to be going back and we will do what we must. Critter—Critter saved me life and I will not leave him to dying. You could have—"

I ran out of breath and I had to sit down. Adrenaline had been keeping things under control, but now that so much time had passed, the adrenaline had mostly died down. The real damage that had been wrought was starting to show; my legs were also weak and I knew my braces would need calibrating again soon.

At least in the moment, I hadn't noticed what sort of havoc fighting with Jackal had wrought. I'd really fucked that one up . . . I'd let my emotions get the best of me and flaunted any progress Wolf and I had made in my training. 

He must have been so ashamed.

Creature took the time I used to recover to explain himself. Rather, dig himself an even deeper hole. "Him act foolishly. Should wait for command."

The absolute callousness in his words and tone almost sent me into a frenzy, but it just deflated me like a pair of scissors to an over-filled balloon. I fell to my hands and knees and dug my fingers into the soft soil beneath me, tears streaming down my face—only to be trapped in my mask and fogging up my HUD. 

Everything was my fault. 

I was too weak, too delicate, and constantly needed protection no matter how hard I fought or tried to improve myself. 

When we'd first met, he'd had to hold my hand through the ship and though I did what I could to help, I was always a burden. Then, though I'd gone through some rough training and held my own fairly well in Gunnison, I'd fucked up and gotten myself in a situation that forced Wolf to use up some of his hard-earned favors to convince someone to operate on me.

And now . . .

I'd let my own overconfidence get the best of me and put Wolf in another position where he had to risk himself to save me. He was so injured that he couldn't even fend off a bunch of lowly criminals.

Critter . . . Well, I didn't even know for sure what had become of Critter.

Tears came more and more and I was forced to take the deepest breath of my life and remove my mask to clear away the moisture. I couldn't get it back on before I was wracked with a sob full of regret and I was instantly light-headed and weary, fumbling with the latches until Creature came over and locked it into place for me with the dexterous fingers on his secondary set of arms.

"Thank you," I sniffed, "but I am still |pissed| at you."

He canted his head. "What word?"

"It means I am so very angry at you."

His antennae swiveled around and he lowered himself. "Not mad. Me only follow orders. Master say to—"

"I know what he said," I muttered, turning my back to him and putting my head in my hands. 

I couldn't stop the tears or the half-baked sobs. A new sort of despair had set in, different from when I'd been stuck on the ship with no escape. Different even from when I'd resigned my fate to death when the Hybrid had impregnated me.

It was the same gut-wrenching despair and guilt I'd felt while watching my best friend die. All to  a chestburster that I might as well have put in her myself. The feelings were multiplied by a hundred.

Creature leaned down to look me in the face and ask, "We go back for Critter?"

"How far did you run?" I murmured.

"Much far. Very distance."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, wow."

Sighing, I remained in my fetal position. There was a large part of me that was ready to go marching back to the ship and stage a rescue right then and there, but the smarter part knew it was suicide. They wouldn't kill him until they were done with him, but I wasn't really sure what they wanted. Titan had just said he was a "collector".  Was he gonna put Wolf in a weird zoo?

Beyond that, I was in no condition to save anyone. I'd gone from one fight to the next, and then a long run for the hills into another fight I'd totally lost—

I needed rest. I needed a bit of time to recover. Creature did, too: he was still looking like a wilted flower. I had to assume that this was the most active he'd ever been in his entire life and he'd sprinted so far. 

As much as I hated to leave Wolf stranded with the enemy, the only logical thing was to wait until I had more strength and an actual plan. My only hope was that they weren't going to take him off-planet anytime soon, because I would never be able to follow them. Not on my own, anyway. I would have to find a way back to Mhalu's clan and beg them.

This whole operation was their idea, so they'd have to help me, right?

When I didn't answer right away, Creature nudged me. "We go get Critter now?"

"No," I said at last. I thought it funny how he could get on Critter's case for being foolish and then immediately ask if we could go save him. "We will not go back. Not yet."

"When?"

"I do not know!" I huffed. "I am not in any condition to make the hike back or to face enemies. Are you not also tired?"

He clacked his claws for yes but followed it up with, "It not matter. Me do as small master wish."

"You really do not have any desires of your own? Nothing you want to do or anything?"

"Want serve. Is job to serve. Have always served."

"Nothing else?" I prodded.

Creature was silent for a moment, then his antennae drooped and he said, "Want go back for Critter. He is capture, too."

Closing my eyes, I sighed. Some of my anger at him gave way to pity. Both he and Critter had been born to this life of serfdom, so they hadn't known anything else. Critter had taken to his newfound freedom well, but Creature seemed . . . lost without a directive or an order. He'd always seemed so robotic, but seeing him concerned for his other half was touching.

Dear Critter, the big teddy bear of an insect. I wanted to go back for him, too, not just for Wolf. If he hadn't valiantly thrown himself at our enemy, he might be dead. My lip quivered and I took a breath, trying to focus on something else. 

We had to make camp. Make a shelter and rest. I needed real sleep and something substantial to eat. I didn't know what Creature needed, but I could ask later. 

Shelter came first. 

I didn't want to do anything elaborate, as nothing would truly hide us from the yautja that wanted to find us. I didn't know if it would rain, so we just needed to find somewhere safe to hunker down for a few hours. I could take a nap while Creature watched, then see if he needed to do the same . . .

My stomach twisted. Maybe I should eat, first. 

"Can you hunt?" I asked Creature. "Just small game. Something for us to eat."

He indicated that he could, so I told him to do so. 

"I will not leave without you," I assured him when he hesitated to go. 

Still, he watched me for a moment before reluctantly turning away and disappearing into the trees. Hopefully his lack of trust made him return quickly. In the meantime, I was going to search around and find someplace natural to turn into a camp. 

Somewhere with cover and enough space for a fire. 

Well, not so much a fire as a small device that got really hot.We weren't always in an environment where oxygen was available for a real fire, so sometimes the best we could use was a hot stove or a heater.

By the time Creature returned, my frustration had worked itself back into a frenzy. I shouldn't be spending time doing this shit—setting up a small camp and getting ready to cook myself a meal. I should be out there, looking for Wolf and coming up with a plan. I just couldn't deny how exhausted I was, how much I was hurting, and the fact that I didn't know where to start. 

I was too tired and hungry to think let alone act. 

If I really wanted to be successful, I would need to be fresh-faced and of sound mind. I'd already managed to prove how useless I was otherwise. 

Creature dropped a handful of those birds on the ground and I grimaced. I had hoped I wouldn't have to risk eating anything on this toxic planet, but I didn't have much of a choice since I couldn't get to the ship. I'd replenished my rations, but I needed something more substantial. 

"Are these safe to eat?" I asked him. 

He plucked one out of the pile and messily chomped it down, which made my skin crawl. I was a bit concerned, though: if they weren't any good, did he just kill himself? 

However, after a few minutes, he preened and said, "Safe."

Relieved—both at the fact that he wasn't writhing in agony and dying a slow death of poison and that I could eat—I started cooking mine. We normally ate all the same things, so I assumed that it would be fine to also make these birds my meal. 

At last, revenge was mine. 

"After I eat, I am going to sleep. When I wake up, you can sleep, and then we will go and find Wolf and Critter," I said, sitting down with the little stove. I'd cleared away and area so I could sit comfortably. 

"Not need sleep," Creature declared. "Only short rest." 

"|Alright, whatever|."

My mind was still buzzing with intrusive thoughts. I didn't know if I'd be able to sleep, but I knew I had to at least try. I was so tired, though, that after all of my biologically needs were tended to, I was out as soon as I was curled comfortably under some leafy plants, Creature keeping watch in the tree above me.