11 - Hesitation

RJ's POV

Kung gaano kasaya ang pamilya ko kaninang papunta kaming Bulacan, it is exactly the other way around. Now, while we are on our way home to Laguna, lahat sila sa akin na nagagalit.

Not because I agreed to this arrangement, it would mean I will just swallow whatever they will feed me. I have dated many girls then and now, all of them have good social background and breeding. Just because of this stupid agreement I'll get to marry an unwed mother. Marrying someone that I do not know is enough to endure this marriage, but not to the point of marrying someone with a child already.

"Magpahinga na tayong lahat, bukas na lang natin 'to pag-usapan." Lolo instructed all of us.

"Bibitayin nyo rin lang naman ako, why not do it now, para kasabay nang matatapos ng araw na 'to ang issue." I said.

"Oh eh di bukas na bukas din, go and fly going to LA like Kuya RD." Rizza said.

"Bakit ba lumalabas na ako ang may masamang ginawa dito?" I exclaimed.

"I did not say that Kuya RJ, but after what happen earlier, I do not know anymore up to what extent is the protection you promised me when we discuss about this arranged marriage. I should have not given you my full trust because obviously you can no longer keep your promise." Rizza said.

"Can't you understand Rizza, my life and reputation is at stake here." I replied.

"Your life and reputation? Not anymore Kuya RJ. After what you did earlier, it is now my life and dreams that are at stake here." Rizza said.

"So now you are killing me with guilt." I said.

"Of course not Kuya, why would I do that? Hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan ang ipinaglalaban mo, this is an arranged marriage because of Lolo's promise to his friend, we all know that. At tayo bilang natitirang miyembro ng pamilya para sa henerasyon na ito should fulfill that promise. I asked you before, Kuya, kung bakit ka pumayag sa ganitong arrangement and you told me, wala naman tayong magagawa. Wala naman pala tayong magagawa eh bakit ngayon nagpuputok ang butse mo nung nalaman mong may anak si Ate Charm? You are calling this wedding off just because she already has a child. Di ba both of you agreed na walang kayong pakialam sa isa't-isa after the wedding? Why are you making a big fuss about her situation of being an unwed mother now?" Rizza lengthy said

"Because she will be bearing my name, our name. What will the people in our circle would think of me, would think of our family?" I said.

"Kung wala kayong pakialam sa isa't-isa after the wedding why would you think about what other people will say? If that is your line of reasoning kuya, I'm sorry but it is unfair to use Ate Charm and display her to your so called friends in our circle." Rizza said. "There is no point of arguing with you kuya, itutulog ko na lang 'to because tomorrow is another day. Kailangan kong paghandaan ang pagpapakasal ko sa lalaking hindi ko naman mahal. Goodnight po and I'm sorry for the outburst." my sister said then walks to her room without looking back.

"Everything has been said and maybe I am really hard on you apo. Just to fulfill this promise to my friend, I was not able to think about how you will feel about it. I'm sorry for pushing you to the limit, RJ." Lolo Danny apologized though I see sadness in his eyes. "Call Chloe tomorrow Ricky, tell her to cancel everything about the wedding and don't forget to pay her in full. Let's all call it a night." My Lolo said and Lola Linda pushes his wheelchair to their room.

"Ahhhh … why can't anyone of you understand where I am coming from?" I exclaimed

"I did not remember raising you to be that disrespectful, RJ" my Dad calmly said

"I'm sorry Dad, nabigla kasi ako, feeling ko pinagkaisahan nyo ko. Obvious naman na alam nyo yung current status ni Charm, but you did not bother to tell me. I find it disrespectful, too, Dad." I said.

"I'm sorry, son, for not letting you know about this side of Charm. Your Lolo and I thought it is no longer necessary. We did not consider how important it is to you. Maybe your Lolo is right, forgive us for pushing you to the limit. Matulog ka na and forget that this happens. Goodnight." My Daddy said.

I don't know what to feel anymore. I know my whole family tried to understand my situation, where am I coming from. But how can I tell them, I myself too was very confused as to why have I reacted that way. Rizza is right, wala lang naman dapat yun eh, because this marriage will be put to an end immediately. Now, why am I too bothered about Charm having a child from another man? Kung tutuusin wala naman talagang kasalanan si Charm at wala naman talaga dapat issue. But why do I feel betrayed, why do I feel she cheated on me when she actually did not?

I could not understand the emotions I had when I saw Celestine earlier. Kitang-kita that the Mendozas have raised her well. She will grow up to be a fine young lady. When she held my hand, I wanted to see her grow, until I learn about who her mother is.

Eversince, I never judged anyone with a love child. Most probably they fell in love. Ganun talaga eh lahat ibibigay mo para sa taong mahal mo. But why can't I not feel the same way to Charm? Why does it pains me just on a thought of she falls in love with another man and has the possibility that still loves Celestine's father that is why she prefers to remain single.

My mind hesitates to push through with the wedding, pero bakit ako nasasaktan habang iniisip kong wag nang ituloy ang kasal namin ni Charm? Maybe I would like to know more about her. I would like to know why do I find her as an amazing woman. I admire her for she was able to carry herself alone. I never thought she has this kind of flaws. Flaws that makes her even more amazing. Flaws that my heart says it's alright while my mind says it is not.