A goodbye kiss

33.

He wiped his eyes on his sleeves and then held my hand in his. I sniffed, I bet I looked like a mess. He took out a napkin from his pocket and offered it to me with a sad smile. I took it with a nod.

"If we are really meant to be...then destiny will have a way to reunite us. I have to find myself," he paused as I blew my nose. My tears were coming back. It sounded a lot like goodbyes. "I've become this unhealthy person, focused solely on one target. I've lost my way. But I don't want to drag you in my downfall," he touched my face and our eyes met. "look at yourself, you've given up school. Gave up your powers. What about hobbies?" I frowned at him.

"I do have hobbies," I insisted.

"Really?" his brows arched.

"I read... books!" I hesitated.

"What was the last one you read?" he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Mmh..." his question caught me off-guard. I wasn't expecting an interrogation after the bomb he just dropped. I wasn't sure I'd fully digested it. I was certain I wasn't ok with it.

"See," he waved at me.

"No, wait, I just forgot the title," I tried hard to come up with that book I'd been reading. I remember vaguely it was a teen romance and nothing else. He stared at me unimpressed.

"Really? What about the plot?" I averted my eyes. Racking my brain. But nothing came.

"I remember it...it's...well, I was distracted with everything that was happening between us," he gestured towards me in dismay, shaking his head.

"See what I'm talking about. If you cut the love story from the picture, there's nothing left...it's not healthy," I was shaking. I never realized. School, hobbies, and even friends. The relationship with my family was a mess. I had nothing apart from Jacob. I shook my head holding on to what I knew was solid. Jacob sighed and held me against him. "Re, it's not, trust me," he whispered.

"But I can't live without you..." he rested his chin against my hair.

"No matter what, we can't really be together," he laced his fingers with mine. "I love you so much I have to step back. Give you space to grow," he suddenly sounded so mature. I've never noticed the difference between us. Well, I fought to ignore them.

"But, I don't want to be away from you," I squeezed my fingers around his.

"You do. You need to find your future. You need to find something you love like fishing, painting, or other activities that helps you grow as an individual," I looked up at him. His face was peaceful, gentle. He seemed far away, out of reach.

"Did Dad talk to you about this?" Is that it? Did he threaten you?" his eyes were sad and tired in the dim light of the porch.

"You're not listening. I'm not breaking up with you. I'm going to figure out where I should stand. I need this and you need it too," I shook my head.

"What about me? Did it happen to you to ask what I wanted?" he rested his big brown eyes on me. They weigh me down with responsibilities I wasn't sure my young shoulders could hold.

"What do you want?"

"I want us to be together," he pulled his hand away and moved to face me.

"Ok, then where should we live? Are you planning to stay here with your parents and have me come over to visit like we did today?" he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Well, I haven't thought about it," I shifted nervously, he shot me a dark look.

"Of course, you didn't," he mocked.

"Hey, stop doing that. I'm not so dumb kid," he sighed and uncrossed his arms. He went to lean against the railing. I was sure the five minutes Mom gave us was long gone. I was a little scared they were listening. We have never talked about serious topics and I fear Jacob has been keeping me in the dark all this time.

"That's not what I'm saying," he sighed. I glared at him.

"It awfully sounded like you were," I turned around. I was angry. However, I was pissed at myself. He never once talked about his job, his pack, his family. Nothing. I was living a fantasy in my pink bubble.

"Re, we can stand here and argue about it but it doesn't change the fact that I'm leaving. I don't have the luxury to be selfish anymore. I'm a pack leader without a domain. We are rogue. I have to think about the others and not just myself. We are a family," he explained.

"What about me?" my voice broke. I sensed him moving behind me. "Can't I be a member of your family?" he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my hair.

"You are my everything," he whispered. "The reason I have to make it right. I'll work to make it right. Because at this moment, I can't afford to take care of myself and my pack. I have to put in the effort to build you a kingdom," I leaned my head into the warmth of his chest.

"What if I don't want a kingdom? If it's a money issue, I'm sure we can find a way..." he kissed my forehead.

"I'm sure we can. You are smart and gifted. You will be an awesome adult...unlike me," he chuckled. Such a sad sound. I will miss it. And that thought made my heart sink.

"Please, don't talk like you are saying goodbye," he kissed my temple, his lips lingered then he pulled away. I turned around. He stood on the little steps that led to the driveway.

"Goodbye, Re."