Things We Would Never Say Out Loud 3

Mark

Jamie shut the radio off and tossed my phone back to me. Time to go home.

"That's a lame answer, he's so grateful." I snorted, tossing his phone back to him.

"What would you have said?" Jamie challenged.

"I don't know!" I got up from the couch. "What would you have said?"

He laughed. "Yeah, let's be grateful that we never get asked that question."

"Still, it's better than Who's your ideal type," I reasoned. "Shit, I got asked that again just yesterday."

Laughing, Jamie walked me to the door. "Let's play a quick game of Honesty," he said and put an imaginary mic in front of my face. "Mark, in all honesty, who is your ideal type?"

I snorted. "Kate, of course." I held an imaginary mic to his face. "And you?"

He shrugged. "Antonia, of course." He opened the door for me. "Don't get lost on your way home."

I lived next door. "Night," I said, trying not to stutter. I knew he was watching me walk away, and heard his door close only when I reached mine.

—

In all honesty, I didn't lose my virginity to her, but I count Antonia as my first ever sexual experience and I can't tell anyone because if I tell Burt or Steve or LJ, I can bet a thousand bucks that somehow they'll tell Jamie and definitely he would break my legs and we wouldn't be friends anymore.

When we debuted, Boy Next Door's concept was duh, boy next door, obviously, but for some reason, the managers wanted me to be sexy. They said it was okay for the others to be wholesome and preppy but I needed to project this aura that should make girls want to automatically spread their legs in front of me.

In all honesty, I am not this kind of guy. "Is it really necessary?" I asked Ned.

"Just try, okay, tiger?" Ned punched my shoulder to signify that it was the end of the conversation.

Dance practice was the worst. I wish I had ten bucks each time someone said, "Mark, sexier please!" I would have been a millionaire before we debuted. I got scolded, yelled at, had to look at rather embarrassing videos of other boybands glaring sexily at the camera, and embarrassingly tried to copy their faces.

"You look like you need to fart," Jamie snarked from the side and the other guys burst into laughter and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

And then one day, I went to dance practice by myself. The other guys had a free day and went home to visit their families. I knew they were going to try to make me look sexy again, but I just didn't know how. I was thinking about quitting that day.

Besides Ned and Jay, our choreographer, Antonia came in and watched me practice. I did the whole routine for Can't Breathe at her request. When I was done, I stood there awkwardly in the silent room. Antonia just looked at me, studying me carefully. I had to look away, I stared at my shoes.

"Antonia, what do you think?" Ned said.

"Could you guys leave us for a moment," she replied. It wasn't a question.

As soon as the door shut behind us, she walked towards me. "Mark," she said, sternly. "What are you singing about?"

"This girl," I said.

"What about this girl?"

"She's bad news, but I can't breathe without her," I replied. I was trying not to stutter.

"That's a little desperate, don't you think?" she stopped in front of me. She looked me up and down and said, "Wow, you're so tall."

I shivered, goosebumps all over my skin. She was standing only a few inches away. And she was beautiful, beautiful Antonia.

"If you can't breathe without someone, that sounds pretty serious, right?" she asked. "Have you ever felt that way about anybody?"

"No, but I only just turned 18 and we've just been preparing for the debut all this time and I've been writing the raps to the songs..."

"That's so unfortunate," she said. She put her hand on my chest. My heart stopped, I swear to God. "You need to know how something feels to be able to sing about it. Or at least, I think so. What do you think, Mark?"

"That would be great, but..."

She stepped closer to me. Her hand slowly slid down my torso, lightly touching my stomach. "You need abs," she said. And then she put her hand on my crotch. She caressed it gently, and smiled as I helplessly blossomed into her palm.

"This is nice," she said, stroking me. "Do you get this hard a lot, Mark?"

I exhaled sharply and replied, "I don't ... really keep track, I'm sorry..."

"Has anyone ever held you this way, Mark?"

I felt like choking. "... Never..."

"Aw," she cooed, her smile so lovely. "I'm honored." She cupped me harder. "I can stop if you don't like this, I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable."

I started to feel a bit lightheaded and had to concentrate more on what she was saying. I grunted with difficulty. "You can keep ... if you want to..."

She moved her face even closer, her eyes boring into mine. I couldn't look away even if you paid me. "This is the face we need, Mark," she said.

"... Sorry?..."

"Can you breathe, Mark?"

I just stared at her, feeling like my world was about to implode. She took her hand away and patted my butt. "Think about this feeling everytime you sing," she said. "And I hope you remember that face you made just now." I watched her leave the studio. As soon as Ned let me go, I ran all the way back to the dorm and jacked off around five times, maybe more.