Can't Be

I don't know what to do the moment he sat beside me, on my right side to be exact.

"That's Oscar Joaquin Sacortoza beside you... He's the one I want to get the deal from..." pagkaano'y bulong sa akin ni Sir Gio. Joaquin was busy talking to the people in the table.

"Yes, Sir. I knew him..." balik bulong ko naman.

"Oh... How did you know him?" bulalas niya na umabot sa pandinig ng katabi ko.

Hindi ko na siya nasagot ng sumali sa usapan namin si Joaquin. He leaned on my side. Ang kanyang kaliwang braso ay dumantay sa sandalan ng aking upuan. He's going to invade my personal space kaya umusog ako ng konti kay Sir Gio.

"Yes. She knows me, Mr. Corpuz. And I know her, too. Very well..." sambit niya habang hindi ako tinantanan ng titig. I stiffened on my seat when he ask me how I am.

"How have you been, Yana?"

"More than fine..." medyo awkward kong sagot. Sir Gio seemed to notice that I'm a bit uncomfortable kaya hinawakan niya ang aking kamay na nasa aking kandungan. Dumako ang tingin ni Joaquin dito.

"It's good to know that you two knew each other. Ylliana work for me, Mr. Sacortoza. By the way, please excuse us for a while. I want to dance with this gorgeous..." mahabang litanya ni Sir Gio at inalalayan ako sa pagtayo.

Before we could leave the table, Joaquin spoke out of the blue.

"Mind if I dance with her too? It's been a while since we've met. I've missed being her master..." patuya niyang tugon. Sandali akong natigilan dito ngunit agad akong hinila ni Sir Gio.

Sir Gio didn't notice the mock in his voice and just nod with his request. Afterall, he wanted the deal with Joaquin.

Tumutugtog ang instrumental ng pamilyar na awitin sa Titanic movie.

Sir Gio guided me to the center of the dance floor.

People gave us way with their wide grins. A man tapped his shoulders saying, "Wow, man! You got bigtime!"

"Why are you so beautiful, Miss?"

"Can't you just keep it to yourself, Sir?" mayabang ngunit pabiro kong tugon.

Ngisi ang iginawad niya sa isinagot ko. We danced along the others. Nung una ay kakaunti pa lamang kaming sumasayaw. I also saw the Sanchez couple dancing on our side.

Hinapit ako ni Sir Gio papalapit sa kanya. Ang kanyang isang kamay na kanina'y nakahawak sa aking kamay ay pumadusdos papunta sa aking baywang.

Napahawak na lamang ako sa kanyang mga braso ngunit kinuha niya ang aking mga kamay at inilagay sa kanyang balikat.

"Taking advantage, huh..." biro ko ngunit mas hinapit niya pa lalo ako.

"Yes, I am. Perks of being your boss, eh?" amin niya na may kasama pang pagngisi.

Agad din itong napawi ng may magsalita sa aking likuran.

"Can I get her now?" ani ng isang baritonong boses. I felt my feet glued on the floor. I felt the tension with Sir Gio's hand. His grip tightened on my waist yet it loosened as he gave me to Joaquin.

"Take care, Yana..." seryoso niyang sabi.

The music shifted to Starting Over Again by Natalie Cole. Joaquin started swaying us both with his hands on my waist and mine on his shoulders.

(And when I hold you in my arms I promise you...

You're gonna feel a love that's beautiful and new...

This time I'll love you even better than I ever did before...

And you'll be in my heart, forevermore...)

His intense stares plus the lyrics of the song made me shiver. Hindi ko siya magawang tingnan pabalik. Ipinako ko ang paningin ko sa ibang nagsasayawan yet I noticed that some of the crowd are looking at us.

"Five long years... Yet you'll not ask me how I am?" aniya sa isang mababang boses.

Hinapit niya pa ako palapit sa kanya na halos magkayakapan na kami.

"Look at me, Ylliana..." kinuha niya ang mga braso ko at isinukbit ito sa kanyang leeg. We've shifted to a more intimate position.

"I demand your attention. Where have you been all this time?"

This time I looked at him directly into his eyes. Tears are warning to fall. Kumurap-kurap ako upang mawala ang mga nagbabadyang luha.

"You don't need to know. And besides, you look alright so why do I need to ask if you are?" diretsa kong sagot.

"You act as if nothing had happened, as if..." galit ko pang dagdag ngunit hindi ko itinuloy. It's because he gripped me more tightly. How I hate this situation right now. How could he act that calm! Kung sa kaloob-looban niya ay gusto na niya kong sumbatan at sigawan.

"It was you who act like everything's fine. Like you didn't leave me five years ago without an acceptable reason!" madiin niyang tugon.

"And now you're with that Corpuz, huh? That boy who wants to get the deal from me..." He whispered onto my ears as we sway among the crowd.

I tried to pull myself from him but he just hugged me tighter. He buried his face between my neck and shoulder. Ang kanyang yakap ay pahigpit ng pahigpit hanggang sa nahihirapan na akong huminga.

"I-I- can't... br-breathe..." putol-putol kong saad.

I felt him stiffened and loosened his hug. Tila natigilan siya sa kanyang ginawa. I coughed but we stayed on our position.

Hinimas-himas niya ang aking likod upang ibsan ang aking pag-ubo.

"For years, I have stayed in love with you. Even if you left without saying a reason, still... I just can't get over with it... I just fucking can't..." mahina niyang bulong. Ang puso ko'y tila may inalagaang kabayo sa loob ng aking dibdib. Ngunit kahit na ganoon ay pumaibabaw ang galit para sa taong kaharap.

We stopped in that moment. I never dared to utter a single word.

Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa niya, ganon na lang iyon? And, now he's demanding for an explanation?! How dare him ask for an explanation when he can't give me one.

"I have loved you even more, Ylliana... Please come back to me..."

No. You can't be... You can't still love me like before. I'm sure of that.