Iris 2

"So welcome, my lovely viewer, to this video. You are watching Iris Kyle Figueras, model student of his school, constant academic achiever, a queen in disguise, and is currently 6 feet below the ground. Yes, Iris is dead. And this video is made for you to understand me, for you to fill up the shoes I'm wearing, for you to know why I resulted to ending my own life."

I kept my silence for a while and didn't say anything, I have to recover first from the emotions that overwhelms me. For the longest time, I can't remember having this much to feel. I felt like a void for I felt nothing for a long time and now, it's honestly refreshing na may nararamdaman ako ngayon albeit negative emotions. I have missed feeling something. I have missed being human.

Lumingon lingon muna ulit ako, to check kung may iba ng tao within my vicinity that could hear and see what I was doing and when I was sure that it's all clear, I went back and focused on the camera infront of me. "I have left you sets of video that will help you know what I went through and what I think about the things I went through. This is my side of story. This is the least thing that I can do for you now that I'm gone. You deserve an explanation, you deserve to hear out my reasons, you deserve to know."

"Deciding to take my own life was not an easy decision to make, people. Hindi siya isang bagay na biglaan lang pumasok sa isip ko habang kumakain or naliligo. Please, so do not think that I didn't think of this long and hard. It was the toughest decision I have made and you have to know that I fought hard, so damn hard, just to keep my life but it seemed like Fate has given up on me. Fate has decided to screw me and not give me another chance. Every single day was a reverse nightmare for me, I wake up into a terrifying nightmare that is called life and my only solace is bound within the four corners of my bed. I never wanted to leave my bed kaya sana napansin niyo na I reverted back to asking someone to wake me up each morning kasi hindi ko na siya kaya mag-isa. I am no longer looking forward to waking up so I ask someone to do it for me. I have suffered a great deal of pain and agony and there was no one to help me. I have battled this fight alone, and that made me lonelier. Fighting a battle this big can only be survived by those with people supporting them, by those people with company. I have none of those, unfortunately. Ako lang mag-isa. And finally, when you're nothing but tired of all the shit that's happening, you have no other choice but to quit. To give up. To cut the remaining strands that's connecting you to the rest. Not the brightest idea, but the most comforting one. One day, I just grew tired of swimming and fighting the big waves in the sea of life and I have no other choice but to give up and let myself drown."

While filming, a familiar tone rang through my phone. "Sabi mo you'd go straight home? Tumawag ako sa inyo to check up on you pero sabi ng yaya mo wala ka pa daw. What's happening?"

I was not able to answer Paul right away. I found talking to him, to anyone aside from myself, hard. Now that I am starting to unearth all my deepest and darkest secrets, it's hard to try to cover them up again just so that no one would know that I am hurting. That I am not okay. I found it hard to open up to others, madalas naman kasi wala silang paki or they would think that I am just creating drama and I am already drained by hearing judgment kaya hindi ko na lang ginagawa. Or sometimes, those people that I feel like I could confide my problems with are the source of my problems so I am left with no other choice but to choose the lesser of the evils. Mas okay na sarilihin ko na lang ang mga nararamdaman ko kaysa pag-isipan pa ako ng iba ng masama, kaysa maikwento ko pa sa taong naka-gawa sa'kin ng masama ang mga nararamdaman ko. I was so caught up with my thoughts that I forgot about Paul who found my silence disturbing. "What's wrong, love? Nasaan ka? Pupuntahan kita."

"No." my voice croaked as I managed to let that one simple word out. Well, even if I say yes, hindi rin naman nya alam kung nasaan ako. "I'm on my way home, Paul. I just stopped by somewhere. How's the game? I am hoping that you are not letting my bestfriend win."

"You don't just change the topic, Iris." Paul was reprehending in tone when I tried averting the topic because he's that man that likes addressing things head on. "You're not okay, Iris. Tell me what's wrong."

"Your paranoia is what's wrong, love. I am okay so you don't need to worry. I'd call you later once I get home. Win the game for me." I ended the call before Paul was able to complete what he was saying. He'd understand.

I hid my phone inside my bag before focusing again on that beeping red light from the recording device. "Sorry about that, Paul has decided to disrupt our programming. But anyways, as I was saying, I will let you know my reasons. So I hope you are ready for you are to hear the very reasons why I took my own life. Yes, reasons, hindi lang isa dahil hindi naman ako sobrang hina para bumigay sa iisang dahilan lamang. So stay with me and let's relieve together what I went through."

While the red light coming from the recording device continuously flicker, a sign that it is currently recording, I remained my silence once again for a long while. This is hard, remembering all that I have went through is something I can't stand but I should, kinakailangan kong ipaalala sa sarili ko that I am doing this for the people I will leave behind because they need this. They have to know that I have my reasons, that I didn't do what I will do just because. They should realize that I tried being strong, that I tried overcoming my trials, but that I failed. They have to know that I fought but that I wouldn't win against rounds and rounds of epic battles. And besides, it's easy to remember the things that I have gone through because they were untold and untold secrets are the hardest to forget.

My phone kept on getting my attention as it constantly buzzes with either an incoming call or a newly received message. When I looked at it, Paul kept on calling and leaving messages, it is apparent na hindi s'ya satisfied with what I said on the phone and demands to hear more. He tends to be very demanding if he likes, a trait that I have gotten used to. A trait that I would surely miss. But for me to able to do all this and for him to not be able to interrupt me again, I just turned my phone off.

"So let us start. I am Iris Kyle Figueras, and these are my reasons on why I have committed suicide."