1 My True Story (Judge If You Like Because It's Natural)

My name is Ci and this is my story. It started back when I was in 5th grade and at the age of 10. I found out that we have a new transfer student and my teacher told me to help her. Her name was Pa Yeng. At first, I didn't know that she was Hmong; so I end up speaking English to her. However, I ask her if she's Hmong and she replies to me that she is Hmong. I was so glad. Then we became friends and became closer than any other friends that I have. I feel like we were like sister and that we won't be apart. We became best friends. After the school year was over and the new years was coming, we became like sisterhood and we support each other. Everything was nice and it was like a dream that I couldn't wake up. When the new years came, we both were in 6th grade and I didn't know that we were in the same class. I was so excited that my best friend was in the same class as me. Over time, we found out that there was this one girl that don't have friends. So Pa Yeng and I went to ask her if she wants to be our friends and she said yes she does. That was making me more excited, however, she was Burmese, but she does speak English. Before I forget, her name was Yasmin (I don't know how to write her name).

Not too long, the three of us became so close to each other and it was like a beautiful dream to be true. Ahaha, you may think that it's weird why I was laughing, right? Will this is not a laugh of happiness; this is a laugh of sadness and painfulness. But, it is a true story. Still, we were good friends and always hang out with each other when we have free time. At that time, I already have a boyfriend and he lives in CA. Yeah, I know that he lives far away from me, but I want to love him. He was everything to me. Not until we broke up and things got worst, but I've always had a feeling that he's not the only men that are worthy for me. There are plenty of men all around the world. So I decided to move on. For a while, I always feel like I was being left out. It was this feeling that I never had before, but I've always put on a fake smile and always says that "I'm okay!", but to be honest; I am not. But, that was when I was at the age of 11, in grade 6. After that year was over, the new year came and I was about to be a 7th grader. That was when I already turn 12 years old. I've always said this word to myself every time, "I can't believe that I'm going to be a 7th grader." There was so much in my head, but that didn't stop me for whatever reason. Then school starts again and I was finally in 7th grade, I still can't believe that just one tiny of a blink of an eye, you already all grow up. It was so fast for me, but I continue going forward.

The three of us became more like a sisterhood and I thought that there will be nothing to stop me from have these feelings. But then something happens during the half-year of the school. I heard that something that I shouldn't have heard, but I end up hearing the conversations. It was so much pain and so much hate inside me. I wanna burst a cry so loud that no one can stand it, but I end up couldn't do it. It was hurting me so much that I wanna punch somebody real bad. But I control myself. I've thought that something would happen if I had gone mad, but I was in control of my actions. After the year of 7th grade was over and was about to be an 8th grader, I text Pa Yeng that I didn't want to be her friends and blocked her. I even stop talking to her and also I've stopped talking to Yasmin as will. And we didn't talk to each other ever since the incident happened.

Then school starts again and we started 8th grade and I was at the age of 13. We didn't talk to each other and never have those kinds of feelings anymore. It has been a year and 7 or 8 months. That was when we started to talk to each other and became friends again, however, I feel like Yasmin and Pa Yeng want to be my friend anymore because we don't talk often; expect for them. Yet, I was so stupid for telling them my secret. The secret that I have was that I lost my virginity at the age of 12 with my boyfriend. You may feel disgusted about me and that I shouldn't write this story, but it's natural because everyone around the world has this type of experiment before. You can say I am nasty or whatsoever, but the truth is; I did and I have no regrets. The only regrets that I have been telling them my true self. After that, we all graduate 8th grade and I got into Riverside HS. I was happy, but sadly Pa Yeng and Yasmin went to a different school.

When the new starts, I was a Freshman and I was making so many friends. Then when I hear that Pa Yeng was transferred to South Division HS, that's when I knew that she's gonna meet Yasmin. But, I was ok because I am a very patient person. Not too long, I heard that she was transferred to my school and I got so excited but also was sad because I don't know what will happen next. Yet, I stay by her side and help her with everything. Until December, I slept with her uncle and things got so awkward and I didn't know what to do. I sometimes commit suicide and just wanted to live this world, but then someone told the guide consular and I have to meet them. I always felt depressed and always try to smile more often. There was some much and in my life. I won't give many details as I did before. I'll just tell you part of the story now.

My life got worse when Class of 2019 almost graduate and that's when the problems start. Lue's girlfriend was making problems for me I was sick at the same time. I feeling so many things in my head. I was crying in my room and couldn't say any word. I call Rue which is my boyfriend; call me and I answered and told him early that was happening right now. I was crying, non-stopping. I was feeling so much pressure on me like I was going to die. In my mind, I was having a hard time controlling myself from crying. I was crying so hard that I started to feel dizzy while on the phone call. I was saying things that I shouldn't have to say and things for me got super hard and my life was falling apart. After that, it was ok because Rue helped me and I glad that he did. Not long, Pa Houa which is Yeng's (short name for Pa Yeng) older sister, texted me and makes me feel sad and started to feel like I'm falling apart again. Rue call me a couple of time and I didn't answer him. That's when he knew that there was something wrong with me after I sent him a text. I was feeling so sad and so heartbroken. On the 13th call, I answered him and talked to him. And I cry so hard that I cover my mouth so that no one will hear me crying. But, Rue hear me and claim me down. He told me that he'll call me back and I knew that he's going to tell his brother Lue. And then she texts me back, "This is your problems, Chi. Don't get my uncles involved to cause you the one who cause this mess." That was the last word that she texted me.

So then the Class of 2019 got graduated, and school was ending. However, Freshman through Junior got to take their test because it was our closed grade so everyone came to take it if you have C-D grades or if you have a 0, you will need to go; to pass all your grade. But before that, Yeng gives me a letter...a letter that she has type it and have given to me. I didn't expect such a letter. I knew that there was something bad that is going to happen but didn't expect this kind of word. My heart was beating fast, but she not to open until I get home. However, I didn't care and end up opened the letter since my bus was late to pick us up...I mean the rest of the student that ride route 908. When I open the envelope and took the letter out. I was already feeling uneasy. But I still dare to read it. When I started to read her letter; it said, "Dear Ci, I have never told you how I feel about you and how your action is getting so annoying? You know how disgusted you are when you told me about your secrets and how you told me to keep it a secret. I've been keeping your secret for a long time and I treat you like my closest friend and the sister of my close. (I'm going to get to the point) Don't you feel ashamed of yourself? I feel like you are seducing my uncle them and you promise me that you won't break your promise...." And all kinds of words. It hurt my feelings so much that she thinks I'm using her as a toy and all kinds of stuff. I was so sad and feel a rage of anger inside me. I was about to burst a cry again, but I keep it cool.

When I got home, I wrote her a letter that I won't go to her house anymore and I won't her anymore. Now, I'm 15 years old and a Sophomore at RUHS. However there was this one time, I end up stepping into her house twice. I know that I am wrong and I'm sorry for stepping into her house. But I did for Rue because he told me to go inside even though I don't want to go inside. After that, she wrote me a letter and give that letter to my friend Tiffany to give it to me. I feel like my heart just drop. I told her to throw away but she didn't. Instead of throwing Yeng's letter away, she gives it to me. So I was like, fine I'll read it. When opening her letter, she says the same thing and many other things. She had also said, "IF YOU EVER STEP INTO MY HOUSE AGAIN, YOU GOTTA PAY ME $5 TO COME INSIDE OR ELSE DON'T YOU EVER COME INSIDE MY HOUSE OR USE YOUR SISTER AS AN EXCUSE TO COME INSIDE MY HOUSE." That was when I feel a lot of anger inside me and it was making my face hot and my cheek was red as hell. But instead of letting my anger out and punch someone, I rep her letter into small pieces and throw into the garbage. That was it and I told my friends that I DO NOT want to hear the name "Pa Yeng" ever again. That was the end of our friendships when she first gives me her letter and this was the second time. Even though I've often seen her, I pretend not to see her or pretending that she was not there or even pretending that she didn't exist. In my life, I never want to see her again.

While writing this story, I feel a lot of pain and a lot of sadness. Right now, I am okay because she's the only friends that I have. I have made a lot of friends and a lot of new friends. But, I wasn't happy and I still feel an emptiness inside my heart. I feel like I can't trust anyone and I feel like my trust was being betrayed or have never existed. Even though, I'm still smiling...I still told myself, "This smiling that I'm having...is it really my real smile or just a fake and an insulation smile?" Many words were often spoken to me when I'm alone. If only I knew how to tell the future, I probably won't be in kind of place. If only I knew this right from the start.

TBC...