13 Just Being Paranoid

This can't be happening, not again! Darkness had swallowed me whole and it wouldn't let me go. I screamed and fought against the darkness, waiting for someone, anyone, to save me. No, no, no! Levi was just here...

I feel the darkness getting shaken free, loosening it's slimy hold on me enough that I could slip free. A bright light seared my eyes and then there was a face blocking the light from my blurry eyes.

Only then did I realize the blurriness was from unshed tears and the face was one concerned Levi. Oops... He handed me a bottle of water and helped me sit up and drink it. My throat was so sore, like when I was screaming in my nightmares.

"You weren't just screaming in your nightmares, Eren. We're lucky this room is sound-proof or people would probably have thought someone was getting attacked." he says softly.

I need to get out of that mumbling habit. So I wasn't only screaming in my dream, but someone did come and save me... Levi. Jumping up, I wrap my legs around his waist and hug him tightly.

"I'm sorry I woke you up, but thank you. I...I couldn't—"

"Sorry to break this up, but Armin has come to a new conclusion that he wants you guys to hear." Erwin says.

When Levi tries to walk me outside and I hear all the different voices, my body tenses to the point of almost snapping. He stops and Erwin notices it, but follows suit, closing us back in the room.

"I don't think Eren should be around a whole bunch of people right now. He's not showing fear when I touch him, but I don't know how he'll react around the others. Can you please bring Armin here?" Levi asks softly, trying not to trigger my frayed state.

Erwin nods and leaves quickly, leaving us alone once more. I loosen my hold on him, but stay attached to him.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with me..." I whisper quietly against his neck.

"I really don't mind brat, so stop apologizing. You think you'll be okay in here by yourself, while I work?" he asks carefully.

I shake my head furiously and cling tighter to him. Maybe he'll let me join. My energy is back up and moving around should help me recover faster. I've done plenty while injured, so this was nothing. I couldn't even feel the pain.

Maybe the darkness stripped me of the ability to feel pain or most emotions, now that I think about it. Though my body responds with fear, I don't feel any fear at all. It's just numb and cold... Empty.

The door opens and Armin walks in with a soft smile and a relieved look. Levi sits in a chair with me in his lap, while Armin looks me over quietly.

"You look like you're doing better, Eren. Last night, I mistook your lack of response as dissociative, but I realize I was wrong. I have a theory, but I'll need some answers to be sure. Is that alright?" Armin asks.

It was hard enough telling Levi about it and now I had to do it again... Well, Armin did say he might know what's wrong with me, so maybe I should just help him out. Levi has his arms resting loosely around my waist and is offering me silent support.

"I'll try..."

"That's good enough for me. While comatose, people are effected differently. Some show extreme brain activity, while others show little to none. Levi mentioned you not being able to sleep in the dark, so what's that about?"

"I... Ummm well.. I was stuck in the darkness without any way of knowing how long I'd been there. My memory was very foggy and scattered. The darkness would... Warp? Yeah, it'd warp and I'd relive a memory or enter a scene."

"So you're feeling disoriented and confused? And the darkness scares you, because you were alone in it for so long? Or is it because you're scared that we'll all disappear and you'll be alone in the dark again?"

When he says the last part, a whimper leaves my mouth and I curl up in a ball in Levi's lap. Armin hit the nail on the head, so does he know what's wrong?

"Y.. Yeah. The last one. It's hard to tell if this is real and when I fell asleep, the darkness made me think it'd all been another scene. Do you know what's wrong?"

"Yeah, Armin, the verdict? I have things to do and I've still gotta figure some things out with Eren..." Levi grumbled tiredly, making me giggle.

"Uh, right sorry! Well anyone isolated in the dark for that long would go insane, but I think he's safe. He definitely has severe PTSD and I think he might've developed paranoid schizophrenia. It should go away as time goes on and he realizes he is awake." Armin says quickly.

He hugs me carefully and sends Levi a glare, before exiting the room. I've never seen Armin glare at anyone before... What did Levi do and why wasn't I there with popcorn?! Boo!

"I'll ask you again. Will you be okay by yourself? I can always have your friends stay upstairs with you to keep you company."

"Aren't Armin and Mikasa both busy with their own duties?"

"Yeah, I wasn't talking about them... I forgot to tell you, but I stumbled upon some old friends of yours in that gas station in town. Bertholdt and Reiner. They seemed eager to talk and they've finished their work for the week. Sounds good?" Levi asks hesitantly, like he's waiting for me to have a bitch-fit.

I nod and stand up to stretch, wincing when the wound in my side pinches. His hands rub up and down my sides a few times before he pulls my shirt over my head. A dark grey sweater gets put over my head, before he strips my sweats off.

Normally I'd be embarrassed for someone to see so much of me, but he's seen me naked, so why bother? I step into the leg holes as he shimmies a pair of joggers up my legs and past my thighs. His eyes are focused on the task, but they don't stray.

He's quick to stand and lead me to the door, opening it slowly. The noise and chatter isn't as bad as before, but it still puts me on edge. I feel his warm hand touch the small of my back and then I'm quickly lead upstairs.

Levi disappears back downstairs and comes back with two people I thought I'd never see again. They're holding hands, so they're still a couple, but they seem colder, more distant, than I remember... Levi pulls me into a quick embrace and then he's gone again.

"You got yourself a keeper, Eren. That dude has been worrying about you non-stop since we got here. How ya holding up?" Bertholdt asks softly.

They keep their distance and are observing my behavior, not sure how to act around me. I pull them both into a hug and send them a grin.

"I'm living the life boys.. A hot man caring for me and amazing friends like you.... It's great!" I say cheekily.

"Good to know.. Hot, am I? You're not so bad yourself." Levi says from behind me.

Oh god! That's so embarrassing! I turn to see him holding a can of corn and a Red Bull. My nose scrunched up at the corn, but I make grabby hands at the yummy drink. What, I already told you Red Bull was my weakness?! Not my fault if ya didn't believe me.

"You can't have the Red Bull until you eat, brat."

"He's not going to eat that shit, you know that, right? Hated corn since we were kids." Reiner says with a grin.

I point my finger toward my mouth and make a gagging noise to emphasize Reiner's statement. Levi knows I hate corn, so he's just being mean. Levi pulls something from his back pocket and tosses it in my lap.

"I already knew this, I just think it's funny to see him react that way.." Levi mutters, then sits across from me with our knees touching.

He pulls out a spoon and I watch in disgust as he starts eating the nasty mush. I eat the breakfast bar, he threw me, quickly and grab the Red Bull. This time I sip and savor the yummy goodness, while trying not to throw up at the sight of Levi eating the corn.

Once he finishes, he throws our stuff away and pulls me into a hug. He kisses my lips before I have time to react and I forget all about the corn, until the leftover taste enters my mouth. I push a grinning Levi away and gag over the trash can.

"Keeper my ass, Reiner! I take back what I said about you, Levi... Hot people don't eat nasty shit like that!" I grumble, chugging the rest of my Red Bull to get rid of the taste.

He laughs and hugs me again, then dismissed himself to get work done. Bertholdt was giggling quietly and even Reiner was smiling at my goofiness. It was nice to see them again, but something was still off.

"It may have been awhile, but I know you guys... What's wrong?"

"It's just... Why is Grisha still here? We thought you would've killed him by now." Bertholdt says quietly.

I understand why he'd think that. Reiner and Bertholdt were forced to participate in the forest games too, but it was different for them. You know those people who do illegal dog fighting and bet on the winner?

There was a large, secret organization of people who put the forest games together. I may have hated it, but they put a lot of time and thought into it. There were different variations of the forest games, so more could happen in such a short time.

It's easy money if you win and the betters have to pay to play, so the organization can continue funding it. They have drones that track the participants and that's expensive. Grisha was one of the higher ups in this operation, so the drones were his idea.

Bertholdt, Reiner, and I actually met, because of the games. Even though we participated in different versions, we were all well-known in the community. I heard whispers of the Rain boys killing twenty adults in one game.

Their game was not like mine, but it was just as dangerous. Kids were put in the forest and then hunted by adults. Professional hunters, veterans, and just tough men in need of money. The only goal was to survive the onslaught of hunters for a set time and then you were free to go back home.

Reiner and Bertholdt were one brilliant mind and they were quick to find each other and kill their hunters. One day, in elementary, they approached me and just started talking to me like we were old friends.

I hadn't put together who they were at first, because I'd only heard of them as the Rain boys, but I figured it out quickly when they called me the silver devil. It caught me off guard to have been so close to them and not known it.

They were worthy opponents in my eyes and we had a mutual respect for each other. We were quick to become friends, but we never talked about our experiences in the forest. The haunted look in their eyes mirrored my own, so I knew not to ask and so did they.

Though I introduced them to Mikasa and Armin, they kept their distance, even from me. And I understood. They'd only ever had each other, so it would be hard to let others in. I get it, I really do...

"I want to, believe me, but no one here knows him like we do. The elite squad and Erwin know a little about him as an abusive father, but not about the games."

"Why not?! They'd exile him for sure. Shit, they might even let you kill the sick bastard!" Reiner says angrily.

"I.. When they found out about Grisha being my father and me being a killer, Levi called me a monster and the others didn't disagree. If they think we're monsters, nothing we say with change their mind, so I saw no point." I whisper quietly, staring at my lap.

"Eren, how can you be so close to Levi and the others after that? If we would've known..."

I look at Bertholdt with a grim smile. Their support and protectiveness was nice, but unneeded. Fear does strange things to people and I could tell they really were sorry, though we hadn't spoke much.

"No, it's alright. I had two weeks of thinking to be angry and get over it. They aren't like us, so can we really expect them to understand? The good thing is they trust us even still. They don't need to know the rest..." I say lowly.

They nod in agreement and we continue to chat about random stuff for the rest of the day. While talking to them, I do exercises to work my unused muscles. I don't want to overdue it, but the sooner I recover, the better.

"So you're telling me, you got little, innocent Armin to get high with you... Hahaaa! That's fucking hilarious!" Reiner says, busting out laughing.

Bertholdt and I were smiling at him as he rolled around on the ground, laughing. It was nice to see him laugh. Both him and Levi have a lot in common, personality wise.

They're both strong and passionate, but distant. Neither of them laugh or smile often, but when they do... It's something else, I'm telling ya now. Bertholdt was watching him fondly and it warmed me for just a second.

"Soooo.... Did you finally do the do? Reiner, did ya, did ya?!" I ask coyly.

Bertholdt blushes beet red, while only a small dust of pink appears on Reiner's pale cheeks. Oh, so they have!! I'm so going to tease them about it now.

"Who topped? Or are ya both switch-bitches?"

They sputter and send me playful glares, making me bust into a fit of laughter that hurt my healing stomach. I heard their soft chuckles join my own as we just enjoyed the company.

"Brat, it's not fair to judge them when we both know you're a bratty bottom..." Levi says with a grin.

But, it wipes the smile right off my face. It may not have meant much to him, but that was my first time and it was special to me. He didn't know, so I can't really blame him, but either way he said it was a mistake.

My good mood faded into the familiar numb feeling I was getting used to. The others noticed my lack of laughter or embarrassment and stared at me, questioningly.

"Should you really be talking about that? It was a mistake..." I say softly before bidding them goodnight and going back to the storage room.

"I'm sorry... I didn't say that to upset you just now and I... I didn't mean it and regretted it as soon as I said it that day."

"I appreciate the apology, but one is not needed. I already told you I'm not mad anymore. But I can't just forget, either..." I whisper as I change into different clothes.

He was the one I trusted the most right now, but even that was pushing it. I trust him not to lie, but I don't trust him with my thoughts and emotions anymore. I don't know if I ever will... Would you, if that happened to you?

The light turns off, encompassing me in the cold darkness. What... What happened? Wasn't I just with Levi? Am I still dreaming or did I even wake up?!

My breath was coming in short spurts as I curled against darkness, trying to make distance. But the darkness was everywhere and there was nowhere to go. I squeezed my eyes shut as I stayed curled up within myself.

Trying to make myself as small as I could did nothing, but make it even hard to breath. I just need the darkness to stop—

"Hey, hey! I'm right here! I'm sorry I didn't warn you first... Breathe with me, like this.. In through your nose.. Out through your mouth." Levi says soothingly.

Levi's here, he didn't leave me. He had pulled me back into his lap and was resting my hands on his chest, so I could feel the way he was breathing. Subconsciously, my breathing started to match his own.

"When Armin first told me you might not wake up, I had a panic attack. Petra talked me through it and gave me hope. I'd never had a panic attack before, so I didn't know what to do, but Petra had my back, just like I have yours." Levi whispers, brushing the hair from my sweaty forehead.

He's with me and he's got my back... I'm okay, I'm safe. My breathing settled into a steady rhythm, matching his own. I lean my head against his chest tiredly and hum to myself softly.

Mom used to hum a soft lullaby to me and rock me in the rocking chair when I was younger, so maybe it was a comfort thing. Levi's hands rubbed up and down my sides, slowly, making me melt further into his touch. He made me feel safe, even though he shouldn't.

"I'm so proud of you for how far you've come. You've been through so much, stuff I can't even imagine, and you still fight."

Warmth spreads through me at his kind words. It reminded me that, yes, I was strong and I am a survivor! I can do this! I have all of them and you to keep me going.

"Also, we've been sitting in the dark the whole time and you are doing great!" he says excitedly.

He's right! We've been in the dark this entire time and I only freaked out at the initial shock of the lights turning off. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I close my eyes and try to sleep.

This time fear of the dark isn't keeping me up. Just the usual insomnia, ya get me? I hear Levi's breathing even out and his grip on me loosen. At least one insomniac found sleep. Better one than none, I suppose.

I kiss his cheek, before carefully maneuvering out of his lap. The last thing I want to do is wake him up when he's finally getting a decent rest. I've been sleeping for two weeks too long and it had me itching for action.

It was easy to sneak past all the sleeping bodies to the front entrance, but I knew I couldn't sneak past Erwin. Like I thought, he was leaning against the door, keeping watch like he always does.

"Geez, do you even sleep?" I ask quietly.

I get a quiet chuckle in response as he turns towards me.

"I could ask you the same thing, you caffeine addict. Shouldn't you be recovering?"

"Haha, good one boss! No... I just am restless. Thought I'd go out and run some laps. Within the wall, of course."

"You never do give up, do ya kid? I've never met anyone like you in all my years serving. I'm sorry... For the way the others and I acted towards you. We've all killed, Eren." Erwin says quietly.

I can hear the pain and regret in his voice when he speaks. Pulling him into a side hug, I sigh quietly. I hate that he feels bad, but it can't be helped.

"I'll tell you what I told Levi. I have already forgiven you guys, but it might take awhile for me to get back to how I was. But I can't promise I'll ever be the same as before..."

With that said, I let him go and head outside to run laps. It's dark, but there is a bit of light coming from the moon, which calms me down. I run laps, do push-ups, sit-ups, and any other exercises I can until my muscles are straining to hold me up.

I'm leaning against the side of the metal building, when someone comes running around the corner. With the morning light, it's easy to tell it's a worried and out of breath Levi.

He doesn't stop until he's picked me up and pushed me against the wall, forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist. What is his deal?

"I couldn't find you this morning... I thought you'd ran off again." he says quietly.

That's when I realized I wasn't the only one having nightmares. Levi was scared that I'd leave again, but he'd been putting it aside to care for me. The least I can do is assure him.

I copy what he usually does to calm me down, and rubs his sides softly. I place a few butterfly kisses on his neck, then pull away some, so I can see his face.

"I'm fine and I'm still here, calm down. Sorry I didn't tell you before going outside. Erwin kept an eye on me, though."

His shoulders start to relax the longer he holds me. I don't know why he's been so touchy-feely lately, but I'm not complaining. Yeah, I know I have no room to talk! We've been attached at the hip since I woke up.

The lack of sleep and exercise has finally caught up to me, I see. A yawn leaves my mouth before I lay my head on his shoulder and shut my eyes. He must've felt my hold loosen, because he shifts me in his arms so he's carrying me.

"If you're gonna be stubborn and exercise against orders, the least you can do is rest. I'm gonna take you upstairs and the two lovebirds are going to keep you company, but I want you to try to sleep, okay?" he says softly as he's carrying me inside.

I nod and cuddle against his warm chest, hiding my face in the soft material of his shirt. Two said lovebirds were already there when we got upstairs and they made sure to make their presence known. Bastards!

"Aww. And you call us lovebirds, Captain. We can leave if you guys need a moment..." Reiner says cheekily, while Bertholdt snorts.

With my face still in Levi's shirt, I flip them the bird and sigh quietly. Why couldn't they work and Levi get the day off? Levi's chest is so warm and comfy...

"I wish I could, but these two idiots wouldn't be up for the task. I'm Captain for a reason, brat. See ya later idiots!" he yells, plopping me on a sleeping bag covered in pillows.

Did he seriously just drop me?! I'm injured, what a meanie! I flinch when I feel an unfamiliar hand touch my shoulder, making them let go quickly.

"I'm sorry. I forget sometimes, that we've been through stuff... I was just going to say that we'll be here so you don't get lonely, but you're to be put on bed rest, Captain's orders." Bertholdt says quietly.

I nod, too tired to even rebel against Levi's silly orders. Bertholdt goes and sits next to Reiner, before they pull out a deck and start playing cards. Turning my back to them, I close my eyes and let sleep find me quickly.

Again, I'm woken up by Levi, because I was screaming, so he carries me back to the storage room to sleep. Looks like the nightmares never really leave, do they?

After a few days without a screaming fit, Levi decides it's safe to start sleeping upstairs again, but he still sleeps next to me. Even though my paranoia and fear of the dark had started to fade, nightmares still plagued my sleep.

Now all I have to do is recover and get back in shape. Then, I'll be back to normal. Well, as normal as I ever was...