14 A Blank Canvas

After a week of just sitting and "recovering", I was about ready to throw myself over the upstairs railing. And I'm not even kidding. I was itching to pick up a pencil and paper, so I did.

When I went on that run to town with the Levisquad, remember the bookstore? Yeah, I kinda forgot that I also shoved a sketchbook and a pack of charcoal pencils in my duffle.

Bertholdt and Reiner had fallen asleep while cuddling, leaving me without entertainment. Some babysitters they were. With a huff, I grab the sketch pad and pencils, before leaning against the wall.

It's been awhile since I've picked up a pencil, but it still fills me with warmth and actual joy. That's why I chose to turn it into a career. They say that if you do what you love, you won't work a day in your life.

My first project was going to be my awful babysitters. They may be bad babysitters, but they make up for it by being so picture-worthy. I start with a rough sketch and body outlines, having them lying on their sides, with Bertholdt curled into Reiner's chest.

Then, I work on the finer details and clothing. Since I only have charcoal pencils, I won't be able to color in the sketch, but that's okay. This is what I've been missing.

I just needed to get back into a familiar routine. Finished! Wanna see? Erasing the remaining pencil marks, I touch up and add smaller details to finish the piece.

Art is like riding a bike. You never really forget it, but you have to find your balance again. You get better with practice. There's no telling where I got this talent, but I'm glad I have it nonetheless.

Mom would sit and watch me draw when I was younger. She had a beautiful voice that I also inherited, but... I just couldn't after she passed. It felt like when her voice was silenced, so was mine and I've yet to find it.

Turning the page to a clean sheet, I get to work and let my fingers do the work. I missed mom everyday and I doubt that will ever go away, so maybe I should just embrace it.

My eyes were glazed over in thought, but my pencil still traveled nimbly across the page. I didn't need to see the page to know what I'd chosen to draw next.

A feminine outline in a rocking chair came into view. Then, a smaller outline sitting in the woman's lap. The dress I fit on her was one of her favorites... A pale purple sundress with yellow and magenta flowers.

The child in her lap had short, cropped hair and big wide eyes that stared up at her caring face. Her hair fell to her shoulder in thick waves, but only a strand fell onto her face.

It was a picture of my mother, holding me in her lap as we rocked in the rocking chair. I had even managed to capture the maternal care in her facial features and my wide, mystified eyes.

Her voice always left me speechless and close to tears. There was a certain tragic beauty in the way she sang and I wish you could've heard it too. I kinda want to see the look of shock you'd have while listening..

The day passed in a blur of sketch after sketch, only remembering to eat when Bertholdt handed me a fruit cup and some jerky. They were called to help Hange with something, so I got back to work.

My current piece was something I couldn't fully identify. I bet you're thinking something like, "But you drew it!" and I did, but my hands draw what's on my mind. Lots of my past have blurred together over the years.

The sketch was crude and brutal, nothing like my previous sketches. There were two kids in the forest, surrounded by thick trees. The piece was focused on the two children, but none of their features were distinguishable.

A figure was lying on the ground with another sitting beside them. It was just them and the forest. Big, black birds flew overhead, circling the vulnerable children. The sketch was dark and dreary, but I couldn't stop adding detail.

"Hey brat! Thought I told— Whatcha doing?" Levi asks while looking over my shoulder.

That's right, I never told them what I used to do before this... Pulling the sketchbook close to my chest, I stare at him with wide eyes. I've never let anyone see my pieces except my supervisor.

The sketchbook was peeled from my hands carefully and then he was flipping through each page. His face didn't give anything away to what he was feeling. My nervousness led to fidgeting, finally catching his attention.

"These are really good, Eren.. Is that what you did before this? Art?" he asked curiously as he sat next to me.

I nod with a small blush and make grabby hands at the precious book. He chuckled, but shook his head. But.... But it's mine!!

"Do Bertholdt and Reiner know you drew them?"

"N.. No, but... They're bad entertainers, so it's their fault! Never fall asleep on the job." I mumble, childishly.

In all honestly, I was feeling so much better than when I first woke up. The numb feeling had started to fade, but it would come and go. Sketching had really helped relieve some of my remaining stress.

"May I ask what the other things you drew are? They were good."

Should I tell him about the pictures? He couldn't really do much with the information, so it's alright, I guess.

"Nevermind, sorry. It's not my business."

"The picture after the two lovebirds is of mom and I. She used to sing to me while rocking us in her chair, so I decided to draw it. And... I don't know about the last one.."

"What do you mean, you don't know? You drew it!"

"I don't remember a lot of my past for obvious reasons, so I don't know. It is a memory, but I don't know who they are." I say quietly.

"Why are they in a forest? If it's a memory, then you were in a forest and saw them."

I was afraid of that question. There was no way to answer it without having to come clean. He already knows I've never went camping and I can't just say I was walking through a forest by myself.

"Please, just leave it be... It's late and I've been drawing all day." I stare at the floor as I speak.

"Oi Petra, I'm taking watch by myself tonight!"

"But, I thought Eren was going to be on watch too?"

"He's still recovering, so I'd rather he sleep..." Levi states before moving his sleeping bag to the window.

I'm quick to follow, shoving my art supplies in my duffel and throwing my stuff next to his.

"Thought I said I'd take the watch alone, brat?"

"You did. I just thought you could use some company..."

He sighs at what I said, but doesn't argue anymore. He knows I'm hardheaded enough that it isn't worth the hassle. Between you and me, I think I got a hard head from Grisha dropping me so many damn times.

Sorry, kidding kidding. Or am I? Levi is staring at the starless sky with a bored look, but his shoulders gave away how tense he really was. Petra and him haven't been together for awhile, so he threw himself into his duties.

It's worrisome, but I'd be a hypocrite to say he should open up. Looking back, I notice that the others are all sleeping peacefully. They're not like us... Levi and I are more similar than he thinks.

"Every time we've went through the forest, you're tense and you act like a caged animal. I want you to know that I no longer judge you for your actions, but I'd like to know. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why would you kill anyone. Everything you do has a meaning, so you didn't just murder them for shits and giggles. The tattoo of your first kill isn't a trophy, it's an inked memorial in your flesh."

"I already told you there is nothing else. But the thing with the forest... I got lost a few times in the forest, so it just triggers bad memories."

"Bullshit! Why are you trying to convince me you're a monster? And you aren't scared of the forest, you liar. You're scared of something IN the forest. If you don't want to tell me, fine, but don't fucking lie to me!" he whispers harshly.

My whole body cringed away from him at his tone. The same tone he had that day....

"Was it for your own survival, like Reiner and Bertholdt?"

" ... It really doesn't matter, Levi. A monster is still a monster, no matter their sob story. If I answer the questions, we're dropping them afterward, kapeesh?

I see his head bob from the corner of my eye as images start to swirl in my head. Times I had to choose between myself or another. My first kill was the worst, but it never got easier.

"You know what the Hunger Games is, right?"

" Yeah, where is this going...? "

"I was forced into a forest to participate in something called the forest games. Adults would bring kids and bet on which one would survive. We were blindfolded and placed in random locations with only one rule, there could only be one survivor."

I could still see her big blue eyes looking at me with fear, but there was also relief. She knew she wasn't going to be able to do it, so at least she'd go out by a friend's hands. That's what she was... A friend.

"There were different versions of the forest games, so Reiner and Bertholdt never crossed my path, but I'd heard of them and they'd heard of me. We became friends, because we understood... We'd never live normal lives."

But there was so much more to it, I just couldn't form the words. My whole body was starting to shiver at the cold, numb feeling running through my body. I can't do this..

A whimper leaves my mouth and I curl up in a ball. I'm not there, I'm here. I'm here. But, why do I feel so empty. There's nothing else I can give, because I've got nothing left.

"Hey, you're okay. You're safe now, okay?" he whispers, pulling me into his lap.

My body feels so cold and numb compared to his warmth. Am I dying, is that it? Sorry, I'm a bit of a drama queen...

"What's wrong? Pain?"

I whimper and pull myself closer to him, trying to soak up the heat my body lacks. There was such a hollow feeling in my stomach and it was tearing me up inside. Levi's hands are rubbing my sides, but it's not enough. I need more!

"Why do I feel so empty? Please... Make it go away." I say while I rub my face against his chest.

"Uh... What can I do?"

"Just stop... There's nothing in me. I'm hollow. Please, help me.." The words coming out as a whimpered plea.

I don't know what I want, but Levi can help me, I know it. He reaches into his duffle and shuffles through it until I hear the crinkling of plastic. He lifts me up a bit and does something for a few minutes.

My joggers are pulled down and warmth starts to pool in my gut when I see what he's doing. No prep or warning, he slams me down on his member, making me have to bite my lip to stay quiet.

The girth of his hard member stretched and filled me up, getting rid of the empty feeling completely. It hurt, especially without prep, but the pain only made it feel better, more intense.

"Better?" he asks quietly.

When I nod he pulls me into a kiss and starts slamming into me roughly. His hands are gripping my hips harshly and guiding me to meet his thrusts. A whine escapes from between our locked lips when he hits my pleasure spot.

"F...Fuck Levi..ple—"

"Don't call me that! " he whispers harshly, his movement never stopping.

"What!? Why?"

"Saying each other's names makes it more personal and intimate. Neither of those apply. You just needed help." he whispers.

I'm flipped onto my hands and knees, then he's slamming into me again. He was fucking me senseless and I couldn't control the moans leaving me. Now I understood Petra's struggle..

"Shut up!" Levi whispers before forcing my lower body into the sleeping bag.

The pillow my head was rested on, muffled the noises I was making, but it made me feel claustrophobic. My body tensed and Levi shuttered above me. I could feel his member twitching inside me, making me whine lowly.

Levi flips me on my back and continues thrusting his, still hard, member into me slowly. The soft groans he was letting out made my member twitch and release some precum.

Levi started pumping me quickly and was kissing his way down my neck. With the slow, deep thrusts and him pumping me quickly, my body just couldn't handle the mixed pleasure.

His hand covered my mouth as I came into his hand, muffling my loud moan. My eyes followed his movements as he licked his hand clean, then my member. After he pulled out, he went to dispose of the condom and I laid back down.

What did he mean it wasn't personal or intimate? Well, it was more rough and rushed than the first time... He was honestly kind of mean, but it still helped. The emptiness had disappeared, leaving me tired and sore.

I hear Levi settle back onto his sleeping bag and look out the window. He seems more relaxed, so I guess we both needed that. Curling up under my quilt, I watch Levi through half-lidded eyes.

"Thank you... I didn't know what to do." I whisper quietly.

He doesn't say anything and I don't expect him to. I know he doesn't do attachments so this wasn't special to him. After I pull up my joggers, I'm quick to fall into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up to hushed voices near me. Petra and Levi were having a quiet argument, but why? Keeping my eyes closed and body still, I listen to what they're saying.

"I heard everything Levi... Why are you doing this to him? To yourself?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. The brat needed help and he knows I don't do relationships, so that's why I did it."

"You think the others and I can't see the way you look at him. Hell, you had a panic attack and haven't left his side for a month!"

"Yeah, So what! It's my fault that happened to him so the least I can do is keep him company.."

"This is about Grace, isn't it...?"

"Don't say that name, Petra! No, it's not. I don't know what you guys think you see, but there is nothing there."

"Never thought I'd have to call my Captain a coward, but that's what you are! That happened years ago and you're still scared."

"Tch, pitying him doesn't mean I care about him like that. He's valuable to our group, so I'm helping him get better. Simple." Levi whispers harshly.

So, he's been helping me this whole time out of pity? Should've known the Captain doesn't actually care about my wellbeing...

I get up slowly, stretch, then walk downstairs, unhurried. If that's how he feels then I'll just make it easier. I can take care of myself and I don't need or want his pity!

"Hey, he didn't mean that..." Petra says, grabbing my wrist to halt my steps.

"Yes, Petra, he did. It's alright, I don't care." I say quietly.

I remove her hand from my wrist and go sit next to Armin and Mikasa. This whole time he's just felt bad for me... Do the others feel that way too?

Staring at the others, I watch as they laugh with each other. They all fit in so well together, but not me... I'll never be able to fit in with the crowd.

I feel a presence settle next to me, but I keep my focus on my laughing friends. A Red Bull is placed next to me, along with a fruit cup.

"Morning, Captain! What are we doing today?" Reiner asks enthusiastically.

Someone got some last night, geez! Who's that excitable this early in the morning?!

"Reiner, you and Bertholdt are going with the others and I on a quick run." Levi orders.

So they get to go on a run but I, am actual member of the Levisquad, can't go. I've been recovering for weeks and sitting still is driving me insane.

"I'm coming with you guys!" I say, rushing upstairs to grab my duffle.

Levi followed me upstairs and just watched me scramble around.

"No, no you aren't. You're still recovering."

"I've been 'recovering' for weeks, so yes I WILL be going. I'm a member of the Levisquad, so I'm going."

"No! As your Captain, I'm ordering you to rest!" he yells.

I stand in front of him and glare down at him. He already said he doesn't care, so why should I care what he says?!

"That's funny, coming from someone who doesn't really care. Save your pity for someone else. I guess I'll stay here, so I can 'recover'..." I mutter before throwing my bag on the ground.

"Go on, 'Captain'!" I yell angrily.

He stares at me for another minute, then disappears back downstairs, leaving me alone. Always alone, no matter what, right? Well, I have you at least... Now to just keep myself busy for the day.