ZIZWE

Waking up with throbbing headache is certainly not a nice way to start of the day, the pain in my head felt like some vibration sensation trying to split my head into two parts, to make things worse the sunlight streaming through my window was blinding my eyes so I turned to lay on my other side while shuffling under my pillow to check the time on my phone only to find the dead-beat thing was nowhere to be found. I quickly rolled out of my single bed which was mostly made of old springs and a sponge that always gave me aching muscles and a strained neck in the morning. As if a switch was flipped, all the events about last night came flashing back at me giving my head a reason to pound even more. I know, I sound like I might have had too much to drink or was probably having the time of my life last night but that's actually not even close to the case.

My mother was admitted at Lancefield hospital again but this time it was different. Thing is, my mom has been in and out of hospitals for quite some time now and I've learned to accept it but this occasion was just different. Right when I was preparing to get us a cheap take away meal for supper, she just collapsed on the floor and started whining about some pain wreaking havoc in her chest which was all new to me since she's never experienced anything like this before. I started panicking when she suddenly had trouble breathing, in all her years of being sick I've never seen my mother struggle with breathing before and I don't think I'll ever want come across what I experienced yesterday because the scene was just terrifying. I've never been so frightened my entire life, I thought she was dying, I kept thinking that God has finally decided to take her from me, I'll be frank, I'm not really deep in faith actually I hardly even pray but yesterday when my mom was lying on our old stained carpet floor and looked like her own spit was about to choke her to death, I said all the prayers I could think of just to keep her with me a bit longer.

My mother has been sick for almost five years now, it all started with her having migraines that she never recovered from when my father left us and then she had stroke that left her paralysed on the right side of her body leaving her unable to speak properly, things just turned south from then on since it was just the two of us left, my mother was eventually forced to stop working due to her health problems. I adore my mother dearly and I would do anything to keep her with me since she is the only family I have. I don't have a job, and with her illness I can't job hunt either since she constantly needs someone to look after her. I only get to do odd jobs like doing people's laundry and ironing to put food on the table. Nick and Natasha, my best friends since like forever always insist on helping us, but I don't want to end up being a burden to them.

I made my bed and rushed to brush my teeth because it was still early to go to the hospital, I couldn't stay calm with my mother not around, the house was just so unnerving and awfully quiet. I am scared to lose the only person that's ever loved me, and I can't be alone in this world. We don't have any close family and my father left us when I was nine for another woman when his social status upgraded. I heard he has other kids now so I might have siblings that probably know nothing about me. I hear Bastille singing " Happier" the sound interrupting my reverie and I glanced around for my phone but can't see it anywhere, running around my room busy following the irritating vibrations from my phone I finally find it under a pile of clothes on top of my chest drawer. The caller ID said that only person that usually calls me in the morning '' Natasha''. I took my phone from my chest drawer that's about to collapse and break anytime soon but I still cherish it for keeping my clothes clean and pressed the green button before I was greeted by a piercing voice.

''Why haven't you been answering your phone Zizwe and how is she? '' Natasha says on the other end of the line.

''Mom's not good Tash, she was admitted yesterday at around eight, but they managed to stabilize her when I left the hospital, I have go see her, are you coming?''

''Of course I'm coming Zizwe what kind of question is that. Sorry I was not with you, but I'll certainly come to the hospital today when my shift ends okay, when Nick called me yesterday, I was worried about you.''

I nod agreeing with my head forgetting that Natasha can't even see me now.

''Zizwe you still there?''

''Um sorry... yeah, I'm here. you know this phone's always acting up, and yes, I'll see you at the hospital.'' I reply with a sigh. My phone is shattered, its broken beyond repair, I can't even hear the person calling me unless I put it on loudspeaker. Natasha has been persistent on buying me a new one, but I won't allow it since she's done so much for me and mom.

'' Okay dear I love you, please let me know if there's anything that you need. You know I'll always be here to help you with anything and don't hesitate to ask if you need anything. Your mother is a fighter Zizwe she'll be better in no time; I promise to be with you all the way friend''. I could feel my eyes getting clouded with tears, I knew I was about to break down since my emotions were all over the place, but I didn't want to stress Natasha.

'' Thank you so much Tash, will see you later then" and I hung up.

I didn't want her to hear me cry on the phone but as soon as the line went silent my legs gave out and I sunk next to my soon to fall chest drawer and bawled my eyes out. I've been trying to be strong for my mother, but I can't take it anymore. There's always something wrong in my life and I just can't do anything about it and that makes me feel pathetic and utterly inadequate. There were times when I considered asking for our neighbours to look after my mom for me but that didn't work in my favour since every job I tried applying for wanted experience or some sort of tertiary qualification. Whenever I would go for an interview I would come back with a broken spirit because they would simply ask about my work experience or why I didn't further my studies then they would promise to give me a call back even though they knew they wouldn't.

Mom always says I'm a strong woman and something good will come out of our sufferings one day but I don't believe it, I don't even know why I keep reading all those fairy tale novels because it seems like they are just illusions and telling me lies. The house is so quiet, the only sound I'm hearing is my own sniffling and sobs since I've been on the carpet floor for almost thirty minutes now, I'm a cry baby naturally so imagine how many tears I'm going to shed when I'm sad and miserable, I wiped my eyes with the vest I'm wearing and attempted to get up to prepare for my journey but my legs wouldn't allow me, they kept trembling and shaking. That was irritating me as hell because I needed to take a bath, I probably looked like a mess and honestly didn't care at all.

I think I'm aware of the reason why I'm shaking but I don't want to entertain that thought at the moment so I got up and headed to the kitchen to pluck water in the kettle so I could take a bath. My stomach would not have it though, it kept grumbling and making disturbing sounds to remind me of the lack of food I've had. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning which is why I'm such a mess. Food isn't my priority right now not because I don't care about my health but simply because there's no food in the house. I only have R30 left on me and I need it for transport, my mother and I were going to use it to buy something to eat for supper last night but she fell sick and our supper time was turned to grief.

At least I don't have to stress about transport to visit her today. Frankly, there is someone I can count on for money, but I just don't want to bother that certain person besides he's far away and doesn't deserve to be bothered by my non-ending problems. Since I don't own a lot of decent clothes, I decided to wear a white vest and high waist jeans that I've had for a couple of years now, I know they are outdated but in my situation who cares. Natasha bought them at Mr Price, that's the only store I allow her to buy me clothes at since it's not too expensive. I really feel bad that she's doing so much for me and she's also my age, I'm lucky because Natasha's parents adore me and never complain about their child spending money on me and mom. I grabbed my bag and everything I needed and headed out, I had to walk for about twenty minutes to get to the taxis while the sun was blazing and roasting me all the way, the hunger didn't make it any better but I planned to buy some fruits when I got to the hospital since they are cheap at those sidewalk hawks in the taxi rank. My priority now was seeing my mom and bringing her home with me.

The taxi ride was very unpleasant, I left my house in good time to get to the hospital early but those taxis... God! Public transport is the worst, those Quantum taxis will never take you to your destination until they're full capacity. Our taxis cater for 16 people usually and I tell you they will never stop hooting for people until there's 16 people or more inside the taxi, now imagine being under a lot of stress and you have to be in a taxi that's going to take its leisure time to get you to your destination on top of it when I got off the rank and searched my purse for money I noticed that I had paid with R20 instead of R10 but the driver hadn't given me my change back, I was now broke. My day was now a total mess, I have nothing to eat because I'm only left with money to take me back home and should my mom be discharged it's going to be a bigger problem.

Lancefield hospital is very huge and if you aren't familiar with the place you'll simply get lost, luckily I know it because my mom spends a lot of time being admitted here so I went to ward 46 where I left her yesterday when she was admitted. I've been trying to be positive about my mom and our situation all this time because I know stressing myself won't get me anywhere, hope is better than nothing, right? Even if you feel like the world has kicked you at the soles of your feet and there's no hope left for you. There was a tall man wearing security uniform that's all black with red stripes standing by the door, I knew the routine tell him my name and who I'm here for so he could let me go inside.

''Good day, my name is Zizwe Nkosi and uhm...I'm here to see my mother Mildred Nkosi, she was admitted yesterday ''I said. He just flipped me off and opened a huge book with names in it and told me to go ahead.

I was in a long corridor with rooms on each side that had huge glasses enabling me to see through. As I was passing I could see the patients in their beds, most of them had oxygen in their noses and pipes attached all over their fragile limbs, in order to find my mom I had to peek at the glass windows as I passed. Each room had four beds that were all occupied, I really hate that the only person I have in my life with must be stuck in this place. I once had a sister but she went missing a long time ago, she was out of her mind with politics, she lived and breathed politics so when she had finally been nominated as councillor things just turned into a disaster. At first the notes were directed to her until it escalated, and they started threatening the whole family, my mother tried to make Bongi see that our lives were in danger, but she wasn't easily scared.

Bongi was never a coward even my Aunt Mary was scared of her, two weeks before the councillor elections we received a terrible note that had simply said '' It's either you quit on your own will or we will be forced to handle things our own way ''. The note was taken to the police immediately along with the previous notes we had been receiving but the police simply told us that there was not much they could do since well the notes had no leads. Bongi had a great number of followers and they all believed in justice, equality and improving our community, a lot of people believed in her, but I guess to some she posed as a threat.

One week before the elections Bongi received a call in the evening, we were eating supper and she was so excited about how she planned to change things in our community so we could have electricity and proper sanitation when her phone started ringing. We didn't bother to ask her who was calling her because by the look on her face it was clear she knew the caller, she excused herself from the table to answer the phone outside but she never came back home that day. Mom and I were devastated, we searched everywhere, days became weeks and weeks turned into months and months into years. I think mom knew deep down that her daughter was gone but she just couldn't let go, so yes life after all had to go on.

I found my mother in the last room of the corridor and by that time I was traumatised and sad for the people I saw lying in those beds, they were just helpless and looked really bad in those tubes and machines. I hoped my mom was not in the same condition because I couldn't bear to see her like that. I guess today God has answered my prayers because mom was the first to greet me as soon as I entered her wardroom.

''Zizwe'' my mom said, I was busy checking out the other patients in the room searching for my mom, but I didn't notice her bed was the first one in the room hidden by the door.

''Hello Ma, how are you feeling''. I asked as I bent to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

''I'm f...fine...and I ff... feel better now Zizwe you should stop ss.. stressing yourself too much about me, this old hag is not going anywhere believe me my bb... baby'' I stood there just staring and mesmerised at how my mom always knew how to lighten the mood up no matter what situation we were facing. My mother's speech was still a problem, though I must admit she had quite improved since at first, she couldn't talk at all. What worried me however was the fact that mom had a tube on her nose for oxygen and the needle that was prodding her arm to support the drip they put on her, I wondered if that wasn't painful but she didn't seem to be bothered. Apart from that she looked way too better than yesterday when I left her so that gave me hope that she was coming home soon.

''Ss... Stop gawking at me and tell me h... how you've been my baby''. I took a seat in the chair that was next to my mother's bed and sat down while grabbing her tiny hands and entwining them with mine, I knew what was about to happen before she even said it so I bowed my head In respect and my mother started to pray but what surprised me this time was the fact that she was not praying for the both of us as usual but she was only praying for me.