4 Chapter 4: The Ghost of Christmas Past

Kousei was beginning to lose his breath with all the brisk walking. The dorms loomed over them as the snow started to fall again. But ironically, it was a bright night. It was nothing natural though since the entire place was filled with Christmas lights of different colors. Definitely, it was a great time to take a stroll. However, he still has not caught up with Emi yet.

Every time Kousei got closer, Emi went faster. After their conversation just moments ago, she never spoke a word and started walking fast since, really fast. She did not even look back when he called for her to wait up. That was her way of not showing her weakness. She did not want him to see her crying, even if he knew.

"I guess it was also partly the reason why I didn't put that much effort to catch up..", thought Kousei as he walked just behind Emi. "I could just simply run after her, you know."

After a few excruciatingly silent but tiring minutes, the "unofficial couple" arrived at Emi's dorm room's door step. When she faced Kousei, his heart sank. He never knew her eyes were capable of going redder than it already was.

"Your eyes are swollen. You want me to stay a little longer?..", Kousei asked Emi as he cupped her face with his hands, caressing it momentarily.

"Oh this? I think my allergies are picking up with all this snow..", Emi lied as she wiped her tears with her hands. But the tears never stopped.

"Liar. Your allergies worsen during spring..", Kousei joked, which actually made her smile to his relief. Then, he kissed her longer than usual, looked at her sorrowful eyes again, and hugged her tightly. This was when he felt his elf cosplay shirt got soaked with tears. She started to sob uncontrollably. He could not do anything, but let his tears out as well.

"This is all my fault..", pondered Kousei in his thoughts while guilt engulfed his heart. "I'm the worst.. She doesn't deserve to feel my pain.. Why can't I just move on..?"

"Oi, Emi..", Kousei whispered after a few minutes.

"Hmm..?..", Emi answered with a muffled sound.

"You were wonderful today."

"Liar..", Emi mumbled while still buried in Kousei's shirt.

The two exchanged chuckles a bit after that. Emi kissed her lover one more time before opening her door. "I should probably go in. I haven't packed yet.. and I've got an early flight home."

"Alright.. I guess I'm off. See you in ten days then..", Kousei said before walking away.

"Kousei..", Emi called after Kousei took a few paces, causing him to glance back. She had a big smile on her face this time. "Call me."

After Emi said that, somehow that eyeless big smile sent Kousei a clear message if he didn't call, she'll kill him. With an awkward kind of fear masking his expression, he somehow got to imagine an evil looking teddy bear behind that smiling face of hers, glaring at him. "Demon teddy bear summoning..", he thought. "Yes.. that's a high level jutsu and probably her special technique."

"Uh. O-of course, Emi.. I will..", Kousei answered nervously as he waved his hand as well with sweat pouring down on his forehead.

Fortunately, the boys' dormitory was on another building, so Kousei had time to think while he walked the distance. Pondering in his thoughts was his special move, according to him. However, he did not think it could qualify as a jutsu. "Too depressing..", he thought. So, he paced himself slowly while he thought about some things.

It was actually a great day to say the least. The performance was on point, except for some minor, tolerable miscalculations. But for Kousei, it did feel strange to hold a guitar for the first time on stage, and he was not used to performing contemporary music at all.

"But I think I want to do something like that again..", Kousei said to himself as the dorm building loomed before him behind the heavy snowfall. "Again.. This word keeps on echoing in my head.. With such a successful performance, I know I should've been happier.. But every time I end a show on stage.. my imagination would always put her there..

"She held her violin.. standing straight, facing the crowd.. I could only see her back.. but I knew she was still catching her breath.. trying to give a big smile. She was so drenched in sweat in her pinkish white dress.. but she was still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.. 'I'll never forget this'.., she told me in between her breaths.. 'Thank you so much..', I could still hear her exact words..

"And when reality struck back.. she was never there to begin with. I have no idea why I keep longing for a person who isn't there anymore.. I couldn't move on even if the present can be just as beautiful.."

While carefully trudging up the stairs, Kousei desperately shook off the sorrow which haunted him for the past three years. It seemed the cold helped him in a more literal manner as he shivered due to the ever worsening weather. However, something else caused a little chill down his spine. It was guilt.

"Emi.. I.. Why can't I give her everything?..", thought Kousei as he continued to press on tediously through the staircase. "I'm a jerk.. I'm being unfair to her.. Should I just call it off? I've got a wonderful life as of the moment.. A bright future might be waiting for me too. But my past always found its way to haunt me. Why can't I just forget about her..?

"Because I said, I'll never forget until my dying day.. It's my fault.. It's going to be another Christmas with just myself."

Kousei almost made a backflip with a yelp when he opened his dorm room door to find someone else inside. This someone was seated on his study table, drinking his milk.

"You gotta try putting other food besides egg sandwiches and milk inside the fridge, buddy..", it's just Watari, after all. "What the hell took you so long?"

"And how in the world did you get in? What happened to your hotel room?..", surprised to see his best friend inside his room, Kousei bombarded him.

"Remember the time I had a problem and couldn't go home? You offered your place and gave me the combination..", Watari answered one question.

"That was over a year ago."

"You're the one who told me that I was smart if I didn't try to be shallow, right?"

"And your hotel room?"

"Turns out that I only reserved it for last night. So.. can I stay for the night?"

"You already barged right in without taking your shoes off."

Suddenly, Kousei remembered something in his thoughts. "What was it? I think I've heard of this before. Or was it my imagination? Something is aching in my thoughts."

A very special and familiar quirky voice spoke inside Kousei's mind, and it somehow managed to drag his heart down with inconceivable mass. "Was I able to live inside your heart?"

"Oi, Kousei!..", Watari brought Kousei back to his senses.

"Yeah?..", Kousei replied, still stunned.

"You alright, buddy? You practically zoned out a bit..", Watari said with a little concern in his voice.

Kousei sighed and walked in to sit on his chair then. "I'm fine.. Just worn out".

Watari stood up and threw the empty moo moo box into the trash bin. He proceeded to go to the fridge to get something. Kousei was about to stop him from getting another box of milk for he was saving that when he took out two bottles of..

"Beer?! Are you crazy?!? We're underaged!..", Kousei exclaimed, fearing for a possible expulsion.

"Relax, bro. This isn't public..", Watari answered with a smirk on his face.

"This is a dorm room! I'll get expelled if someone finds out!"

"If.. someone finds out... Chill. Have a bottle with your most awesome friend in the world. Besides, how often do we bend the rules, Kousei?"

Watari opened the bottles then handed one over to his best friend. Kousei took it as if he had a choice. He could probably use a drink anyway.

"Kanpai!..", Watari said while holding his bottle up.

"Ssshhhh! Not too loud..", Kousei shot back in panic.

"Bro, don't leave me hanging here."

"Fine. Kanpai.."

After their bottles clanged against each other, Kousei took a deep breath and chugged on his. He had to admit it, nothing could be better than Japanese Super Dry. Then, he observed Watari. His most awesome friend was not even done gulping on his drink. When he finally put it down on the table, it was already half empty. He probably did this often.

"You really just don't give up, do you?..", asked Kousei with a smug look on his face.

"What do you mean?..", Watari asked back, pretending to be oblivious.

"I already told you. I'm not ready to go home yet."

"And I'm telling you, I'm not trying to convince you to go home. I really didn't have a place to stay."

Silence followed as if an angel passed by. It was Christmas. It could be possible. They drank a few sips from their beers, thinking of what questions the other would throw. It was a bit tense but not awkward. It was more like a friendly game of chess.

"Kousei..", Watari broke the silence.

"Yeah?..", responded Kousei.

"You didn't tell me you weren't ready to go home. You just said you needed to stay here for a bunch of reasons..", this chess game got a little more competitive than expected, thought Kousei as Watari fired a good shot at him.

"Really?..", Kousei said with a little bit of denial in his tone. He realized that it was Emi to whom he told he was not just about ready to see his home town again.

"I should pay more attention to what I say next time..", thought Kousei as he sighed and looked down on his bottle for a while. Then, he took another chug at it.

"Not that I didn't know though. It's quite obvious that you haven't moved on from Kaori..", Watari said causing Kousei to spray from his mouth what he just drank all over the place upon hearing her name.

Watari panicked for a while and yelled at his friend as he saw himself drenched in beer. "Wow… thanks a lot, dummy Kousei. This is gonna smell."

"I'm terribly sorry, Watari. But you just really had to bring her up out of nowhere..", Kousei answered while he looked for a towel and a mop. He gave Watari the towel once he found it and started mopping.

"Oi, sit down, buddy. Let's talk..", said Watari while drying himself up with the towel. He shook his head a little and sighed. "Man, Kousei.. you haven't changed a bit. You're still so stiff..", he added right before he chuckled.

"Is it really that obvious?..", Kousei asked as he sat down heavily, looking down on his beer again.

"Like duh.. You treat Kao-chan as if 'she-who-must-not-be-named'.. You avoid every single thing that's linked to her..", Watari replied with a little bit of disappointment in his tone.

"That's not even the worst part..", Kousei coldly remarked, without even changing his seating position.

"Spill it."

"Emi knows.. It pains her, but she just stays with it with me.. and it hurts me to see her like that."

"Now, that's a lot of drama, man. Nasty stuff. Well, Emi-chan must love you that much to go through all that."

"And how do I even give back what she deserves if I'm such a mess? All I could ever give her now is sadness."

The two old friends both fell silent for a few seconds, eventually drinking from their bottles every once in a while. After a moment, Kousei decided to link his phone to the speakers to play some music. He played some anime OPs and EDs to lighten up the vibe. He then took another sip from his beer when he realized it was empty.

"Oi, Watari.. do we have more beer?..", Kousei asked, thinking he needed more alcohol in him and completely forgetting the law of underage drinking.

"I thought you'd never ask..", Watari replied as he stood up and walked towards the fridge. He grabbed two more bottles from inside. "And you didn't want to be expelled, huh? Here, buddy."

"It's been almost three years already. Why couldn't I just move on?..", Kousei blurted out after a sip.

"Kousei.. some things require some time, man. I completely understand you..", Watari replied, suddenly looking a bit more down.

"Really? You do?..", replied Kousei as he frowned skeptically, knowing his friend's history with girls.

"Oi, oi, oi. Don't look at me as if I just fooled around..", shot Watari defensively. "I liked Kao-chan too.. Like a lot. But maybe not as much as you. And I thought we had something going on until she chose you.. I really had a hard time moving on from her too..", he continued with his tone fading. "It's not like she broke our hearts, buddy.."

"Yeah, she died..", Kousei answered, almost whispering. "How do you move on from that, Watari?"

Kousei drank from his bottle realizing he was drinking faster than how he was supposed to. His beer was suddenly only half full. He was starting to feel the buzz, but he didn't care anymore. He had to get this out of his system.

"I've got a good thing going with Emi, you know..", Kousei blurted out, breaking the brief silence. "And school's pretty good. I could actually go to a good music program in college if I keep it up."

"That's good, Kousei. Like I said.. I'm really happy for you..", Watari replied with a faint smile.

"But because of these messed up feelings, I feel like I might freak out and make shitty decisions that may destroy my future with both Emi and school."

"Bro.. even if you make the right decisions now, in the present.. there's no guarantee that you'll be happily ever after with Emi."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Same thing as making a messed up decision now.. which can eventually lead to something with perfect sense later on."

Kousei took a moment just to smile at his best friend's comments. Watari's laid back and simplistic approach in life has given him wisdom Kousei has not learned with his stiffness. What his childhood friend just said made him realize something. He was overthinking things. And that was why he couldn't move on.

"You know Watari.. you really are smart when you're not trying to be shallow..", jested Kousei.

"It's just the beer, man. It's just the beer.. Kanpai!..", Watari replied while raising his bottle and bumping it with Kousei's.

After that, they went off topic for a while and talked about the music Kousei was playing. Watari was surprised his friend wasn't playing his usual classical music, and that he liked it since he watched anime a lot.

Well, Kousei is a student of music after all. He tries to involve himself with all kinds from classical to contemporary. And he still transcribes pop songs as a part time job. He also arranges music in line with the said job.

"Now, the real reason why I'm here..", Watari said, suddenly making Kousei nervous.

"I knew it..", thought Kousei with a squint. "He never had any intentions of giving up on making me come home."

"Disclaimer. I'm not convincing you to come home..", Watari added, making Kousei believe the total opposite.

"Right. I really appreciate the effort. And I have to say, this is a good one. But no. Still no..", Kousei plainly replied.

"I told you.. I'm not forcing you. I just have to show you something..", Watari said, seemingly doing something on his smartphone.

"What?"

"Look at your phone. I sent it to you."

"You could've just sent it. You really had to come over here."

It was a picture of the football team of Sumiya Middle School, the two's school in junior high. It seemed that the photo was taken on a bright afternoon in autumn with all the scattered leaves on the field.

"What's up with this? This is the new team now? What's this got to do with me?..", asked Kousei in confusion.

"Yeah. Shizu-san's the captain now. I was captain when he was still in sixth grade. That'll be the last time they'll send a picture to me. I don't know anyone from the younger batch..", Watari said as he went over next to Kousei to explain the photo. "But that's not what I wanted to show you. Look at the window behind the team."

Kousei zoomed in to see clearly what Watari was talking about. It was the window of their old music prep room. A surge of wonderful memories suddenly filled him. A lot of hours were spent there to make beautiful music. But there were also unpleasant ones including this eyesore he was seeing as of the moment, the broken window.

"If you're still trying to convince me to come home, you're doing a terrible job at it. The principal is going to make me pay for that window that Tsubaki broke the moment I step inside the vicinity of that school..", Kousei said coldly to Watari.

Suddenly, Watari started to laugh soundlessly.

"What's so funny?..", Kousei asked a bit irritated.

"Nothing.. I just remembered that you had to make a long report about that window with a bleeding head. Good times..", Watari answered, still snickering to himself. Kousei almost popped a vein in his head when he said that.

"Anyway.. that's not it. It's what's inside the room. Look through the window..", Watari added.

"Come to think of it, I never finished the report. And it wasn't even me who broke the window. It was Tsubaki's softball that went through and actually hit.. what the..", Kousei stopped mid sentence as he zoomed in further into the picture.

Every single strand of hair on Kousei's body started to stand. He shivered as a very familiar tiny blonde girl was sitting in front of the piano in the photo. "Is this some kind of sick joke?"

Translation Notes:

Japanese Super Dry - a rice lager style beer brewed in Japan. With its refreshing barley flavor and crisp aftertaste, it is arguably the most popular high quality drink of its kind in the country.

she-who-must-not-be-named - a nod to the Harry Potter franchise wherein they call the main antagonist, Voldemort, as "he who must not be named" to not summon him. However, Watari refers this to Kaori who's obviously not the villain of this light novel. Kousei seems to avoid mentioning her name to not summon her memory.

Featured Music:

Anime OP's and ED's - literally the opening and ending credits songs of different anime series. It is also considered as a sub genre of Japanese Pop Music. There was no specific song mentioned in this chapter, but the characters seem to have a liking towards this brand of music.