18 You won't understand

Upon reaching the door, Yul's steps slowed down. He took deep breaths and stabilized himself. Then lightly knocked on the door. He waited, but when the door didn't open, he knocked again.

Some shuffling was heard on the inside and a few seconds later, the door slowly opened to reveal a devastated looking Zeng with red puffy eyes and disheveled hair. Yul felt his heart sink at the sight.

As soon as he saw Yul on the other side, Zeng tried closing the door but Yul held on with full force and made his way in. In a comparison of brute strength, Yul was way stronger and hence successfully entered the inside of the apartment as Zeng took a few steps back and Yul locked the door behind him, both breathing heavily.

"What's going on, Zeng ge?" Yul asked, finally breaking the silence between them.

Zeng looked away, "It's nothing."

Yul let out a frustrated groan, "Are you fu¢king kidding me? First you ditch me, then you ask me to wait for you, and then you never show up! Do you even know how worried I was? I had such unspeakable thought of you meeting an accident or something even worse. And when I come here to see you, you just try to close the door flat on my face. Seriously, what's going on, Zeng ge?"

Zeng did say anything but kept looking down. Yul waited for any response. Then Zeng spoke, his voice trembling, "I think we should stop seeing each other."

It took a while for Yul to let that sink in. He unconsciously took a step ahead, "Did I do something wrong?"

"No." The doctor shook his head, "It's not you. It's all me. I thought about it and I don't think it'll work out."

"Then tell me why, we can talk it out," Yul urged, "Don't just shut me off like this, Zeng ge. Say something, please."

Zeng couldn't meet Yul's eyes. The red swollen eyes looked anywhere else but at him. He would open his mouth to say something but then decide against it. Yul was more worried now.

"Zeng ge, please. Talk to me. I won't know unless you tell me," he pleaded.

Zeng shifted uncomfortably. He didn't know how to present anything that has been on his mind. But Yul really deserved answers and he must provide them.

"I saw you at the entrance gate of the mall . . . with a lady and her son," he said meekly.

Yul sighed heavily, "Oh God, Zeng ge! She was a stranger. There's nothing between us. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I wasn't cheating, I swear."

Zeng nodded, "I know . . . I know you are not that kind of person. You were only helping her."

"Then what's the problem?" Yul took a step ahead, "What's wrong?"

The doctor ran a hand through his hair, his mind a complicated mess. He must say it now. There was no point delaying it. He found it hard to do so but had to, "That's the thing, Yul. It wasn't wrong. This..." He motioned between them, "This is what's wrong," he said, finally meeting those sharp eyes. "We shouldn't be. We are not supposed to be."

Yul didn't seem to understand anything. He frowned in confusion, "Just what are you talking about?"

"You are too young, Yul. You won't understand," Zeng stated firmly.

Yul clenched his fists till the knuckles turned white. He had enough of this. Every time he probed into Zeng's life to make an advancement, he would receive the same words of 'you won't understand'.

"Then explain it to me, dammit!" He screamed, making Zeng flinch. He had wanted to handle this situation calmly but now he couldn't find the strength to do so. Zeng was pushing him to his limit. "You are doing this again, Zeng ge. You are putting up walls around you which I thought I had already penetrated. Why are you like this? You gave me hope and now you are backing off without any explanation. You know well that I love you. Even then you are pushing me away. Why . . . why are you being so cruel?"

Yul wanted to stay angry because he deserved to know the answers and Zeng wasn't allowing him to have them. He thought they had progressed over the time, however realising that they were back at square one was truly frustrating.

But how could he stay angry when Zeng was looking at him with so much pain in his eyes. Tears were barely being contained in them. Those eyes were speaking yet again and telling him that their owner was hurting on the inside.

Before he could stop himself, Yul hugged him. Surprised at the sudden embrace, Zeng flinched.

"Let me go." He struggled against the grip of the younger guy.

"I won't." Yul held on tight.

"I said, let go." Zeng tried pushing him off without any success as Yul refused to budge and held him close.

Zeng struggled again but realising that it was useless, he slowed down. "Let me go, Yul . . . Leave me."

The 'leave me' that Zeng said in a whisper had harshly stung Yul. It wasn't just to leave him from the embrace but leave his world that he had entered a few months back. To leave him, to forget him, to detach his existence from his life.

Yul shook his head, holding Zeng even more closely, "I am not leaving, you hear me? Tell me what happened. Tell me what's bothering you. Please, Zeng ge. Please."

Zeng stopped struggling, his words only came out as a plea, "Leave me, please." He couldn't stop the tears anymore. He had started sobbing now, his hands clutching tightly at the back of Yul's shirt. His actions were contradicting his own words as he kept requesting Yul to leave him but kept clinging to him for dear life.

Yul continued holding the frail man in his arms. "Zeng ge, please don't ask me to let go. I want to be with you. I promise I won't hurt you. Please let me stay."

He patted at the back of Zeng's head who sobbed miserably in his arms, clinging on to him for dear life.