Zeng took in a deep breath. "That day, maybe I had known that it was coming to an end. He came to our shared room and gathered his belongings. He said he had made a choice. And he chose a woman. He had decided to get married, with some girl. He said he'll be happier with her. He told me the news and I didn't know how to take it. As much as I wanted him to be happy, to my core, I was nothing but selfish and so I pleaded to him to stay. I tried everything.
How can I let him go? I loved him more than any other person ever could, I loved him so damn much. How can someone else come barging in and take him away from me? So I threw a fit. I couldn't let him go, I just couldn't.
I guess, I couldn't handle a break up back then. How could I? He was my first.
Naive and stupid as I was, I had put all the blame on him. He had told me that he loved me, I believed him. He said we'll be forever and I believed it. He promised me that he would be there for me every time I cry, every time I laugh. He made me believe that he would . . . that he would stay.
He broke all his promises.
He was that one person who was supposed to stay with me and tell me that everything was alright, that he would love me even if I am a pathetic loser. But he didn't.
I was angry and frustrated and beyond that . . . desperate. Desperate for him to stay. I needed him to stay.
He must have had too much of me because when I clinged onto him to stay, he pushed me off. And then he did the worst thing that he could do. He compared me . . . to a woman.
He said how a girl could marry him and he wouldn't be ashamed to say it to others. That day, he asked me if he can be out and open with me. He asked me if people would look at us normally. He asked me if it was even possible to marry. He asked me . . . ," Zeng choked at the words, suppressing a sob, ". . . if I can give him a child."
Yul took Zeng's hands in his own and gave a light squeeze. After reaching a certain age, anyone would like to have children. It was a happiness only the fortunate ones could have. Hell, he himself wanted them at a point of life. But asking someone for children, who was naturally incapable of giving birth, was cruel. And that being the reason for leaving a person you would have otherwise cherished was far more crueler.
Zeng sniffled, "I knew the answer to them all. That's when I realised how useless I was. I couldn't give any form of happiness to the person I love. Moreover, I was being a burden to him; a heavy burden that was crushing his happiness, the chains that wouldn't let him go and had bound him from getting the normal life that he always wanted.
I knew he said all that in a fit of anger. But we often say the things that have been buried at the pit of our hearts when we are angry.
He would never say those hurtful things to anyone. He would never hurt me or anyone for that matter. I made him that way. I cornered him so much that he retaliated. It's all my fault. I was the mistake he should have never committed.
And when he realised his words, the truth that he had spoken, he immediately apologized thereafter. I know, he wouldn't intentionally hurt me. He wasn't that kind of person. But the damage was done. And he was right . . . about everything.
After that, I couldn't look at myself the same way again.
I felt so useless, so pathetic. I can't give any happiness to anyone. I didn't have any purpose to exist. Even now, I don't have any idea what to do with myself. I just live on because I am too afraid to end my life."
No sooner than the words escaped past Zeng's lips, Yul pulled him in a bone crushing hug. He couldn't even bear the idea of Zeng being gone. Never.
Zeng didn't hug back but rested his chin on Yul's shoulder. Tears were running down his face seeping into the soft fabric of Yul's shirt as he spoke in a quiet voice,
"That day, our relationship wasn't the only thing that broke. I was broken too. It has been like that ever since then. And I don't want to forget it. I must remember that I was hindering the person I love from being happy. I was the one who tarnished his perfect life. I must remember why I was left, why I was discarded so that I won't destroy other lives."
When Zeng stopped talking, everything went silent. It was all so surreal for Yul. He couldn't find words to comfort the person he loved so much; the person he thought was so strong on the surface. Zeng was right when he said that Yul wouldn't understand what he had gone through. Going through all this turmoil, experiencing it on a personal basis was completely different than listening and trying to understand the person's experience. He was right when he said that.
Though Yul's heart was heavy with emotions, he didn't cry. He was never an empath. He accepted his own mistakes but at times when others would be at fault, he would be the one to blame them on their faces. He was that type of person; straightforward and brutally honest.
But Zeng was different. He would blame himself for the mistakes either he or others had made. He would find where he went wrong and how it was his fault. He would never blame others and thought that others had a reason why they acted that way. He had become a person who grossly underestimated his self-worth. Useless . . . that's what he referred to himself as. That incident had made such an impact on him that it changed his entire being.
Yul's heart bled for him.