Chapter 21: Ishib il ♡

Notes:

This chapter contains heavy angst and explicit self-harm so please take that in consideration if you decide to read it ~ I don't want you to be triggered or hurt because of it ♡

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"I'm so sorry, love. I promise I'll make it up to you."

"It's okay, you don't have to." Jimin's voice became small as his eyes turned to take in the sight in front of him. The nicest plates were placed on the table and a few small tangerine-smelling candles were decorating the space in attempt to turn this dinner into a romantic one. He didn't tell Jungkook that he was going to be cooking even if he spent the entire weekend trying to figure out how to make the perfect soufflé (he wasn't the best cook in town). Frankly, that was the last thing on his mind because disappointment flooded his mind, alarming him that he needed to sound unaffected in order not to upset his boyfriend.

It wasn't like Jungkook didn't want to see him – he was always complaining about the little time they came to spend together over the last month – but it wasn't the first time he was cancelling their plans. He couldn't even remember the last time the tattoo artist actually managed to make a date happen.

"I am so sorry, Jimin. Hyung is sick and – and I have to take care of his clients too."

"You don't have to justify anything, Kookie. We can see each other another day." Tears of frustration were already gathering at the corner of his eyes but he vowed not to let them spill nor make his voice quiver. Maybe he was making too big of a deal out of something small; couples didn't need to always be together, it was an irrational request, but he hated the loneliness that replaced Jungkook. "Good luck." He ended the call before the latter could add anything else and when his phone buzzed announcing him that he received a new message he ignored it, not wanting to read another long apology.

He put out the candles and took the soufflé out in order to cut a portion for Taehyung who was out with some mates of his. He didn't feel like cleaning the table so he simply headed to his bedroom where he found Bunny sleeping in the middle of his bed. He picked "This Side of Paradise" and began re-reading it and before he could realise the pages ran out and it was almost five in the morning. It was Monday morning but he couldn't bring himself to get ready and head to uni so he slept until noon when his stomach began to grumble and he was forced to go to the kitchen in search of cereal.

His phone was where he left it so he scrolled through the long message and found seven more, all of them asking if he was upset, how he was feeling and so on. He typed I'm alright :) Have a nice day xx and went to Tae's room, wondering if his best friend was up for some Disney movie. It was 9 PM and he was feeling incredibly unproductive when someone knocked at the door and he decided to answer, surprised to find his boyfriend sitting right outside the door.

"Hi." He was holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers and he looked terrible, the bags under his eyes outstanding. "These are for you, I'm sorry –" Small hands took them and a shy smile made its appearance.

"Thank you. Do you want to come inside? We're having a late dinner."

Taehyung was already stuffing his face so he waved at Jungkook, his mouth too full to speak. The grey-haired boy wasn't aware of the little problems the couple was facing so he immediately offered the tattoo artist a piece of soufflé, not forgetting to mention that it was all Jimin's merit.

"It's crazy how good this is." He ended his eulogize in time for the brown-haired man to understand that the dish was prepared for their cancelled date. The student excused himself in order to offer them some privacy and the first question Jungkook had was if he could spend the night.

"Of course you can." It was normal for the pink-haired boy to feel upset so the elder didn't blame the strange behaviour but on himself and on his actions. He really wanted to make things better but things were crazy at work and there was no way he could skip anymore, not as long as Yoongi put his trust in him.

"Tae's right, this is the best thing I've ever ate." That elicited a genuine smile so he decided to push his luck and got up from the table in order to approach his boyfriend that was leaning against a kitchen counter. "Can I kiss you?" The answer came in the form of Jimin moving closer so their lips could meet but the act ended after only a few seconds, their tongues not daring to explore. It felt alien as it was the first one in days but a second one followed, this time causing for the smaller body to relax visibly, small fists resting on Jungkook's chest. "I've missed you so much, baby."

"I've missed you too."

The elder needed a shower even if his eyelids already felt heavy as they were sharing the events that happened during the last few days so Jimin urged him to go and get himself ready for bed. He was happy his boyfriend decided to come and see him, even if only for a bit, and he hoped this would become a habit. Jungkook had some things at his place and they were all clean so the pink-haired boy offered them to the other along with a towel before changing himself in pjs and lying down on the bed.

He wondered if the tattoo artist was in the mood for sex. He had mixed feelings about that.

His train of thoughts has been interrupted by a few loud pings that indicated that Jungkook received quite a number of messages. He knew he shouldn't be curious about them because he truly trusted his boyfriend but when the screen lit for the nth time his stomach twisted and he decided he could look at who was so desperately searching for his boyfriend. The number was not saved in the contacts.

I can't wait to catch up

I hope you didn't forget about our date, sir

I know how much you love precise things

Sir. Jimin placed the phone in the exact place where it has been left and snuggled under the covers, facing the wall even when Jungkook opened the bathroom door. He wished he could fool him by pretending he was asleep and thankfully the elder kept quiet before turning off the light and climbing beside him in bed, an arm locking around his middle. Soft lips found their way to the nape of his neck and he needed the most self control he ever had not to burst into sobs at the thought that his lover was seeing someone else. It was obviously someone from the BDSM community and they had a date.

Jungkook left before he woke up in the morning and Jimin found a small note on his pillow in which he was thanking him and apologising once again. He wasn't going to jump to conclusions and decide that the tattoo artist was cheating on him but the thought of him making time for a stranger and not for himself made him want to curl into a ball and cry his eyes out.

The weekend came painfully slow and by the time he finished his reading session he was worn out. He spent a lot of time crying so his face was constantly bloated, he has lost his appetite and overall it felt like he was going through a break up. He's seen Jungkook three days before and it has been a brief visit in which he decided to fake smiles and act like he was unbothered by the downfall of their relationship. He hoped he would mention his date but that never happened.

He decided to spend more time looking for new novels to read when he felt his phone buzzing and he saw it was a message from Daeshim.

Are you done with the children?

He wondered if he should answer.

Let's go and have hot chocolate somewhere. I'd like to talk.

He was curious and he had nothing better to do so he calmly accepted. He couldn't feel anxiety anymore, he didn't feel like a person anymore and his brain constantly reminded him that going back to Daeshim was the natural way for things to happen. Jungkook obviously got bored of what he believed was play pretend so maybe that was the only chance for him to forget about him. Daeshim cared enough about him to hurt him.

The man seemed thrilled that he has accepted the invitation even if Jimin looked like a ghost and they headed to a cafe that was near, not exchanging a word on the way. The place was nice and the younger was willing to let the other choose the table when a loud voice called his name and he turned around to find Hoseok waving at him, probably happy to see him. He smiled small but his face fell when he realised Yoongi was right beside his boyfriend, his cat-eyes scrutinizing the man he was accompanying; it was obvious he recognised Daeshim.

He felt like he's been caught doing something horrible and as soon as his fingers began trembling he decided he couldn't do this and turned on his heels before basically running outside of that place. He didn't care about how he would look, he just wanted to go home and spend some times in little space because his mind was all over the place.

His phone was blowing up by the time he was riding the bus – Jungkook. He ignored it and put his headphones on, loud music blasting until he reached the right station. His boyfriend was in front of his door so he turned the music off as soon as he saw him taking long steps towards him.

"Jimin?" Hands began roaming over his sides frantically. "Thank God – where have you been? Why didn't you answer your phone? Yoongi told me you were with Daeshim."

"I was." He answered, his voice little as he struggled to unlock the door.

"What the fuck." Jungkook muttered under his breath and followed him inside, taking his shoes off as rapidly as possible. "Why? How did he find you?" There were a lot of questions going through his head and the most worrying one was that his boyfriend was ready to go back to his old ways.

"He wanted to talk."

"Jimin!" The call startled him so he turned around, unsure of how he was supposed to react.

"What do you want from me, Jungkook? It's the first time I've seen you in days –"

"And that's a good enough reason to go and meet that bastard? How the fuck can you think that's alright? The last time you've seen him I had to pick you up because you were having a panic attack! Did you forget what he's told you? Did you forget how he's treated you?" He was seeing red in front of his eyes and he had no idea if he could watch his mouth because he was tired, he hasn't had the chance to eat all day and he found out from his best fucking friend that his boyfriend was going out with his ex-Dom who has been an abusing piece of shit. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Maybe I enjoy receiving attention from time to time." It was a bitter lie and Jimin knew it.

"And that means you'll simply whore yourself out to anyone?!" Jungkook was obviously losing it and he would have continued if a slap wouldn't have landed across his face just in time for tears to begin pouring out of the pink-haired boy's cinnamon eyes.

"Fuck you."

"No – fuck you. I'm done with this shit, I won't allow you to play with my feelings anymore."

"I'm the one fooling around?" Jimin yelled. "I know you're seeing someone else!"

The tattoo artist's eyes widened in surprise at the words he's been addressed, his eyebrows furrowing on his forehead. He had no idea what the other was talking about, he's been working about 12 hours a day because they were dealing with a hole in their budget and he could barely afford to leave his goddamn apartment. Not that he wanted to, anyway, because he was dropping dead whenever he reached his bed.

"I've seen your texts! Why didn't you b-break up with me? I'm – I've been just a toy for you in the end." He couldn't control his sobs anymore, his nails digging in the skin of his wrist in order to cause pain that could keep him grounded. He wanted nothing more but to cut but he was aware that this might be the last time he would see Jungkook and he wanted to confront him.

"That's how little faith you have in me? I've been working non-stop, I don't know what you're talking about."

"S-Someone called you sir a-and said you'll m-meet for a date." Realisation hit the elder as soon as he connected the dots so he crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively. He could have been meaner but Jimin was already having a hard time breathing and the sight was worrying him, especially because the boy looked like a wreck. He wondered when was the last time he ate.

"I've met an old friend for dinner this Wednesday. She playfully calls me that."

The student began sobbing more violently, his sweater paws coming up to wipe his tears away.

"Why d-did you have time for her and n-not for me?" The question sounded broken so something tugged at all the strings of Jungkook's heart. It was clear their relationship was going to turn into shit if they weren't going to calm down and talk things through. "I t-thought Daeshim would want m-me if you d-don't."

"Fuck, Min." Jungkook whispered and stepped closer. "I never stopped wanting you."

"I'm not a s-sub –" As soon as arms wrapped around his body his senses heightened and his crying got louder as he remembered those videos that proved that they couldn't function. It was like all his insecurities were washing over him at once so he began almost-howling, liberating the feelings that have been choking him. Not even Jungkook ever saw him like this but he didn't hold back, not caring if anyone else could hear him.

The room he woke up in was dark and he immediately felt like throwing up so he got in a sitting position so a hand would rub his back soothingly, announcing him that he was not alone.

"Hey." He searched blindly for the switch that could turn on the lamp and turned towards Jungkook once he was done. "You passed out, baby." His breathing became hitched so the other pulled him into a tight hug, trying to calm him down before another panic attack would take place.

"Please l-leave, Kookie."

"Jimin –"

"Please, Jungkook."

"I want to talk to you."

"I don't want to!" Jimin yelled and barely managed to get off the bed without falling, heading straight for the bathroom. He could hear the tattoo artist calling his name, trying to calm him down, to lure him back to bed but he ignored everything, locking the door behind him and knowing exactly what he was looking for.

He had one last razor and he grabbed it without a second thought, pressing it against his skin and drawing long lines across it in order to find relief. There was nothing that could calm him down faster than this so he continued to do so and for the first time started crying, his mind whispering to him that he should press deeper, that there was no reason for him to keep going like this. He was just a nuisance. He wished he could be brave enough to end the pain, he wish he could –

Blood began splashing his skin and he understood there was something wrong because of the pressure that was way too high so he panicked, realising what might have just happened. He froze for a few seconds, watching the red sliding down his wrist and forming drops that would later fall on the floor and began feeling light-headed. He's heard before that people who open a vein would pass out because of the blood loss and even if it was probably too early for that to have happened, he –

A loud thump made Jungkook jump startled, his phone sliding out of his hand and onto the floor. It sounded like a huge object fell and he couldn't imagine what that could be.

"Jimin?" There was no answer and a knot formed in his throat when he realised where the noise could have come from. He tried to open the door but it futilely because it has been locked so he desperately pulled and pushed it, trying to make it move. "Jimin? Fuck! Jimin, please answer!" He stepped and looked around the room, trying to find a strong enough object that could help him. Jimin's chair looked solid enough so he hurriedly grabbed it before forcing it against the door, watching as the wood cracked under the pressure. A little hole was formed in the place where one of the chair's legs hit so he focused on that point, the adrenaline not allowing him to get tired.

Once he managed to stare inside the bathroom he saw his boyfriend was lying on the floor as a puddle of blood was slowly spreading under him so he frenetically searched for his phone and called for an ambulance while still trying to tear the door down.

"119 emergency, how can I help you?"

"My boyfriend, he – he's losing a lot of blood, he's attempted to –"

"Who am I talking to?" His hand got cut in one piece of wood but he pushed it through the whole nevertheless, searching for the lock.

"Jeon Jungkook, please send an ambulance. He's – He'll –" He had no idea how he managed to stay on the line until he gave the right address but once he did he left the phone aside, even if he has been told not to abandon the call in order to gather Jimin in his arms. His baby was completely out, he didn't answer to him no matter how hard he was trying to get him back to his senses. "It's okay, baby. The help's on the way." Tears couldn't stop coming and they were blurring his vision; he tried to stay strong, the thought of his boyfriend dying making it hard to breathe. He was holding tight on the wrist that has been slit open even if he knew he had no chance to stop the bleeding and he kept murmuring soft encouragements into the younger's ear, not realising they were more for his sake. "I've got you, angel. I've got you."

Jimin looked like he was sleeping and that was the toughest part. His lips were parted, his pulse becoming fainter with every passing minute, and his skin seemed translucent under the white light of the bathroom. Thank God the front door was unlocked because Jungkook couldn't have imagined leaving his baby alone in order to help the paramedics in. He begged them to let him inside the ambulance where he had to be pushed away from Jimin's body so the doctors could stabilise him. He allowed himself to sob only when he's been told that he was going to be alright, that they got in time and that the boy managed to avoid a larger vein that would have really killed him.

"Are you family?" The cold voice belonged to one of the nurses of the hospital they were hurried to and Jungkook had to rub his face with both hands to properly look at her.

"I'm his – his boyfriend, ma'am. Please let me stay, he doesn't have –"

"Only the members of his family are allowed inside the room outside visiting hours." The news pulled the rug under the elder's feet. He couldn't leave Jimin alone; what if he was going to wake up scared? He needed to be there, he –

"Please, ma'am! He doesn't have any family members, please!" It might have been his genuinely pained crying that convinced the lady otherwise but he has been let inside as soon as the intervention was over and the pink-haired boy has been placed on a narrow bed. He looked peacefully, a bag of blood slowly dripping into the cannula that was connected to his arm in order to make sure all the blood he has lost was recovered. Jungkook realised he lost weight indeed because his cheeks were less chubby than he remembered them and the doctors told him he was lacking a lot of vitamins and nutrients.

He managed to call everyone and told them they can visit the following day and he had the hardest time with Taehyung who couldn't believe the news and who ended up crying his soul out. Seokjin was worried about him so he invited him over so he could watch him and Jungkook thanked him for the concern, knowing his hyung didn't have the most relaxed schedule. He has been told that Jimin wasn't going to wake up anytime soon because he had a medicine-induced sleep but he didn't get a wink of sleep until four in the morning when one of the monitors started beeping irregularly, accordingly to the boy's heartbeat.

The room was illuminated by a lamp only and it was foreign so the student woke up startled, his eyes roaming around the space and then towards his own wrist that was wrapped in a clean bandage. He winced and tried to move so Jungkook decided he should try to calm him down.

"Jiminie, try not to move, angel." As soon as brown orbs met the tattoo artist's eyes they were filled with tears of relief that he was seeing his boyfriend and that he wasn't all alone.

"I'm – I'm sorry." He whispered, his voice hoarse, his knuckles whitening as he grasped on the blanket covering his lower half. He never intended to go so far and as soon as he realised death was a possibility he understood that was not what he wanted for himself. Jungkook offered him the bottle of still water he bought for him and helped him drink from it, his fingers gently brushing his tears away.

"Try to go back to sleep, little one."

"I can't and –" He gulped, feeling helpless. "I'm so sorry, Kookie." He spilled everything – from those videos he received to going through his texts when he wasn't supposed to and his insecurities and meeting Daeshim. He had no idea if their relationship was saveable anymore because he's fucked up so badly but he realised Jungkook was quietly sobbing when he was finally done and the image broke his heart.

The tattoo artist looked devastated and his joined hands were shaking badly as teardrops kept rolling down his cheeks. He brushed them away with every occasion but needed some time in order to manage to speak. The quietness has been killing Jimin.

"Why can't you believe me?" The question came out broken, pain and hopelessness lacing every word. "Why don't you trust me when I say I love you?"

"I'm sorry, Jungkook."

"I try so hard – I d-did my best to be good for you and you still went back to him." It has been exactly as Daeshim told him during that phone call and nothing could make him believe it couldn't happen again and again. It was the first real relationship he has ever had and going through his ordeal reminded him why he chose BDSM in the first place – so he wouldn't have his heart stepped over. It was borderline toxic what they had: a love story shouldn't involve lies and hidden things.

"Please don't cry, please." Jimin whispered. "All I do is to hurt and disappoint you. I'll leave you alone –" Maybe he wasn't supposed to be in a relationship at all, no matter how badly being lonely hurt. "I love you but I –"

"The doctor who's taken care of you told me you should be moved to the psychiatric ward." They couldn't have missed his scarred arms even if they would have tried to and anyone who carried such signs was obviously disturbed on some level, Jimin included. The latter was shocked but too worn out to protest, unsure of how to reply, of what was better for him. "Did you voluntarily try to –" suicide, he couldn't say that word. "Or was it a mistake?"

"It was a mistake, I never wanted to kill myself, I swear." The news was somewhat relieving but they were still in a hospital and Jimin could have still died: mistake or not.

"You should agree to being moved there." The boy nodded at the suggestion, his lower lip quivering because of an unspoken question : What about us?

"You can go home now, Jungkook. You don't have to stay." His mind was screaming please don't go but he wasn't selfish enough to trap the man he loved in such an abusive way. The tattoo artist didn't owe him anything, he deserved to be happy and if happy meant being away from him then so be it. He forced a smile but the tears were betraying his true emotions.

Jungkook stood by his side until the morning, when Taehyung barged in crying and he made sure that the pink-haired boy wasn't going to be left alone. He agreed to stay in the psychiatric ward for a week even if he was scared of the medication and of the stigma that was going to follow him around. Everyone came to see him and they all brought small gifts, mostly flowers but also floating balloons that were a poor attempt of dolling the horrible event up. He watched his friends go one by one as the visiting hours ended and the last one has been Jungkook – his eyes empty as he waved him goodbye. He was looking like a walking mess, even worse than the hospitalised boy and Jimin understood that was the expression of someone who was never going to come back.

Notes:

So now that the cat has been let out of the bag... (๑´⍢`๑) I am pretty sure this is the angstiest angst I've ever wrote and I hope it seemed real because I cried a lot while writing it (I'm a masochist, I swear). I hope no one got triggered because of this update's content and I hope you're curious to see how this will progress; let's just trust both of them for the moment. They need to do a lot of thinking ~ Thank you so much for reading, like yours!