1 You Broke Everything That I Was

Yennefer woke up from the nightmare she had, being completely covered in sweat and feeling agitated and angry. Well, angry was a kind word to use. Furious was more appropriate. She had dreamt of the witcher and that red haired bitch. For weeks she had to watch the two of them being in love, hearing their whispers to each other, seeing their hidden touches.

She hated them. She hated the fact that she hadn't been good enough for him, that she wasn't perfect enough. That she wasn't pretty enough. She hated that he had chosen Merigold over her. She just hated the both them more than words could ever describe.

Of course she had Philippa now, who she loved and adored, but the feeling of not being good enough kept haunting her. She pushed the blankets of her body and got out of bed, being careful not to wake Phil. Then she went to the bathroom, closing the door softly behind her and stared into the mirror. Hatred for herself filled her soul.

She knew that people described her using words as inhumanly beautiful, Goddess-like or simply stunning. She knew that with her raven-black locks, violet eyes and her tight body she could take people's breath away. Men and women alike.

And yes, she used to know how to use this beauty to get what she wanted. She had always found herself the most beautiful woman in the world. But that feelings was long gone. When she looked at herself in the mirror now, she only felt disgusted. Disgusted by how she looked, by how ugly she was.

She hated herself. She wasn't a beautiful sorceress, she would always be an ugly hunchback and she would never be good enough for anyone. Philippa was probably just pretending, as she knew she had done before with other people. It didn't matter what magic she would unleash on her body, she would never be beautiful. She would always be that little ugly girl that came to Aretuza.

Her throat was burning, filled with sobs she didn't release. Her eyes burnt with tears what wanted to come out. But she didn't give in, it wouldn't solve the problem. Because to her opinion, she was the problem, and an unsolvable one at that. Nothing she would ever do would make her good enough.

She closed her eyes and there it was again, the witcher's face. Staring at her with that sad look in his eyes when he said: "I'm sorry Yen, but Triss is just better for me." Triss was just better, better than her. That was all that she had heard. Everyone was better than Yennefer of Vengerberg.

Frustration and anger got hold of her, self-hate and sadness controlled what she did next. In a fast movement she grabbed the scissor that was laying on the vanity, and cut the first lock of her black hair. It was as if she got in a trance. Faster and faster she cut of her locks with furious movements, shouting while doing so.

"You ugly bitch!! You don't deserve long hair! That's only for pretty woman! And you are everything but pretty!! Nobody wants you, you don't deserve happiness or love! You're a monster!! I hate you!!" Breathing heavy she stopped, her chest going up and down fast with every raspy breath she took. She looked at herself in the mirror again, but instead of beautiful long raven-black locks, everything was short. Short and spiky, uneven and broken.

This was the moment her legs decided to stop carrying her. She sank through her knees and fell to the floor. Her fingers lost the grip on the scissor and it fell out of her hand, the sound echoed through the room. Sitting with her back against the wall she pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. She started rocking herself while she finally gave in to the tears. They ran over her cheeks leaving wet traces. Her raven locks were scattered around her on the floor, and she sobbed. She felt lost and alone in this cruel world.

This is when she heard the door open, and she saw Philippa walking into the room. She was wearing the bandage around her eyes to help her see. "Yen?" When she saw Yennefer sitting on the ground and heard her sobs, she made her way to the woman she loved. She sat down next to her and wrapped her arms around her.

That's when she felt that Yennefer's long locks were gone. "Yennefer, what did you do?" Yennefer tried to answer, but the only thing that came out of her mouth were the sobs that she had hold back for far too long. "Sssshhtttt it's okay darling… I'm here." She rocked the raven sorceress in a calm pace, humming a wordless song. She knew that that always calmed her down.

After a couple of moments Yennefer started to breathe a little slower. "That's it, take some deep breaths." Yennefer did as Philippa told her. "Phil…" she whispered. "I'm going to fucking kill that assholl." The older woman said, with her jaws clenched. Hatred was clearly present in her voice. "No Phil…" Yennefer answered. "Don't. He was right, Triss is so much better than me. I'm nobody."

Philippa pushed with her index finger against Yen's chin to force her to look up. Even though she could not see Phil's eyes, Yen could feel her staring look. It was unsettling. "Stop it Yennefer, I don't want to hear another word." "But…" "Stop it I said. And I don't like it when people don't listen to my commands. You are not worthless. You know why? Because I say so. You are beautiful and cutting off your black locks did not change that. Nothing will ever change that."

Yennefer smiled a little smile hearing these words. "I love you Phil…" she spoke softly. "And I love you Yenna. Now come back to bed with me, otherwise I might change my mind about not cutting that witcher's dick off."