1 Just Your Usual Weeds Dealer

Have you ever spent a whole day gaming?

Have you ever spent the whole day reading?

Have you ever spent the whole day watching TV?

Have you ever spent the whole day masturb… thinking about life?

Not to brag but that is all I do every day.

Okay, I might be bragging a little here haha.

Let me see, am I some kind of bum? Not even close! Am I some really successful individual? Not especially, but close.

I struggled to complete high school, not because it was hard, but because there were points for attendance.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of genius, I just really enjoy staying home and enjoying myself. For me, self-study somehow worked better than listening to the incessant naggings of my teachers. Like sometimes I would just think: seriously just shut up already!

So, what exactly am I doing? Some of you have already pegged me as a drug dealer or something. Don't be ashamed, it would have been my bet too.

Actually, these people wouldn't be so far off from the truth. I make a living growing weeds. Except, what I consider weeds are exotic plants to others.

But for me, these are all useless. The harder it is to grow a plant, the more I love it. All are accepted in my at-home greenhouse! All for that sweet money! It pays for my roof, my food, and most importantly my internet.

You know that basic human needs chart? In my opinion, it should definitely include the internet nowadays.

I've always had a green thumb. No, not the kind that middle-aged housewives talk about. I am talking about a real gift here, one that lets me know everything a plant needs just by looking at it.

Also, don't ask me why, but plants grow better when I take care of them. At one point, I went for a vacation and hired someone. I left a detailed instruction manual for him to take care of the plants in my stead.

All of them died. Every single one.

Doesn't help that I was growing plants that were literally said to be almost impossible to make flourish…by the dozen. All different climate ones too at the same spot.

The guy I hired slacked? Not even! I have cameras installed and each showed him doing everything to the letter.

That's when I realized I really couldn't leave my house for long. You see I am a semi-shut-in not by choice but by vocation! Totally not because I spend most of my time on the internet having fun.

Not at all! Okay, maybe just a bit. I am either cooped in my room having fun or less often cooped in my greenhouse growing money.

This does come with a problem: dating. How does one meet sexy single ladies without leaving one's house? To make it even harder I actually have an add-blocker. This means that I don't even get to see these sexy singles in your area publicities.

Joking, I know these are all catfishing. Well, all except that sexy grandmas in your area advertisement. I mean c'mon you had to choose a model without teeth! Seriously?! Yes, that one is not catfishing for sure but indeed trolling.

There is online dating still available? Do you guys know how online dating is?! Bunch of fake or old profiles. When you find a real one, she is either too far, just looking for attention, or a dude!

I once went on a date with a dude! A freaking guy! Sadly, it wasn't my worst date, at all. Still, I picked up the habit of carefully analyzing the profiles and images for any red flags. Doing a reverse search too. Then I only go for it if I somehow get a camera confirmation that their profile picture is really them.

Today is a good day. It is the first time in a long while that I have a date planned. Also, for once, I am fairly confident it is a girl, a really pretty one to boot. So pretty I might not actually mind if it turns out to be a trap.

I digress.

I am really happy today and it shows. I have a big smile, some pep in my steps and I find myself humming slightly. You know fun songs like that cool trash metal one with the long guitar solo.

Anyway, there isn't anyone to see this state of mine so I don't have to care about appearances. Actually, I do. I make sure to shave cleanly. I dress nicely, by that I mean there are no holes in my clothes. Yes, that is some serious effort! I also am wearing a top hat. I'm joking but would have been kinda funny.

I carefully lock my house and take big steps toward my future! Okay, that almost sounded poetic but let's face it I just want to get laid. That is how guys are. Even the nice ones are thirsty as fuck! The only difference is the nice ones won't tell you to go fuck yourself afterward.

We are supposed to meet in a small coffee shop nearby. I approach my destination while clumsily walking. This is easily explainable by how I have a map application launched and am gaming too while moving following the directions.

Mobile gaming is the future. So many cross-platforms games are coming out nowadays between mobile and PC. Side note, gacha games with tons of waifus are addictive as fuck you have been warned!

Then I hear something.

"NO! LET ME GO!"

I see some shady individuals robbing a cool beauty-type lady. Wait?! That's my date! No way in hell I'll let you guys ruin the mood!

Actually…this is an opportunity! I can swoop in like a hero! Let's do this! I run to her rescue as quickly as possible.

Not because of my righteous sense of justice, but because I have blue balls. We already established that fact, didn't we? Time to scare the assailants! She'll fall in love with me for sure!

"Let her go! You guys won't be robbing her under my watch!"

Now I just need to act intimidating and ….

*STAB*

OUCH! What the fuck! I look at the robber. Then I look at the big-ass knife stuck in my stomach. Back at the robber.

OUCH!

Comes another wave of intense pain. That fucker is running now. With his knife in hand. Judging by my perforated body my intimidation successfully failed.

I did make them run, but at what cost?! Everything!

As I see blood leave my body in a torrent, I turn to the girl. If she calls an ambulance quickly I might just …. she's long gone.

I fall to the ground in a puddle of blood.

*Ting*

Something falls right in front of my face, a medallion a satisfied customer gave me. One with an intricate tree engraving.

I don't want to fucking die while looking at a fucking plant! My dream is to die by boobily suffocation.

I feel myself growing cold. No, fuck this!

Also, I now realize it.

That girl wasn't my date at all.

Just someone that looked similar.

Talk about a fucking useless death!

THE END