Xiao and Lumine - Part 2: If I had said what I wanted to say

Xiao laid on down in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He ignored the pain in his arm, but only because his heart ached more. Seeing Lumine leaving had hurt more than he thought it would – and more than he would admit to anyone but himself. It reminded him that nothing lasts forever; everything will come to an end eventually.

 With a sigh he sat up. The day was still young, and he still had his duties. Even on a day like this he couldn't rest. He could never rest. But even so, when she had held him in her arms, he felt relaxation wash over him. As if all the worries, the constant strain on his body, just vanished. He wanted that feeling to come back, wanted it to be there forever. No, even a tiny moment of it would be enough. Oh, what he would do to get that feeling back.

 But the only person that had ever done it, that had ever made him feel this way, was gone. She had left him, and even though it was for a good reason, it pained him to see her go. If only there was a way for him to get to her, to see her again. To feel her arms around him. He closed his eyes but the only thoughts that came to mind was the pain and suffering he had inflicted throughout the years. Would it ever end?

 No. This was his burden to bear, and even though he wanted to stay with Lumine forever, he knew that he couldn't. She had her own journey to go. Her own path to walk. And maybe in the future, this path would cross with his once more, but… No. There was no 'buts'. They would meet again. Until then, he would cherish the moments he had with her.

 But even though he had those memories to cling to, he knew that eventually he would have to let her go. His karmic debt would become too much for her, even though she was more resilient than others. Maybe the best was to stay away for now. If he kept his distance, he couldn't hurt her. His karmic debt wouldn't impact her. It was his burden to bear after all, and even thinking the thought of putting even a tiny piece of his suffering on her, pained him. He hated how he had even allowed this thought to appear. How selfish of him.

 But even so… He wanted to tell her. Wanted to hold her in his arms. Wanted her to be close to him. Maybe he could've convinced her to stay. If not forever, just for a little while longer.

 He shook his head. Another selfish thought. No. He couldn't allow himself to think like this. He had managed thousands of years without her. He could manage some more. But there was so much unsaid between them. So much he wanted to tell. Secrets he had kept for thousands of years that he wanted her to know about. He wanted her to know him. Who he was. He wanted her to know everything.

 Knowing that he might not get to say what he wanted to say, made his heart ache. Was this what humans felt when they lost their loved ones? Was this how 'love' was supposed to feel? He had loved the other yakshas as brothers and sisters, but this was something else. This was more painful, but also more beautiful than anything else he had experienced before.

 The pain in his arm got weaker, and he pulled off the bandage. Such silly mistakes he made yesterday. Mistakes he shouldn't have made. But he was so tired. His body was in constant pain, his mind always fighting to stay in control. He did this day in and day out, every day. It was a never ending battle. But if it was to keep people safe, if this was his purpose, then he would gladly do it.

 He hadn't expected Lumine to call for him, and when she did, he got caught so off guard that the Abyss Mages had managed to sneak up on him. Silly mistakes. He couldn't afford to lose focus. Couldn't afford to make mistakes.

 He walked outside on the balcony. The fresh air and the mild breeze that should've been calming, didn't have an impact on him. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't felt at peace since he heard Venti playing the flute. Except for when Lumine had been there. With her close by, it seemed that he was always at peace.

 When she had called for him in the Chasm, he had felt relief. He wasn't alone there. Even if he didn't want his battle to become hers, he had decided to follow her voice. And even though it had taken most of his strength, he had managed to find her. He longed for her presence, to feel her close, but even so, he couldn't fully let himself get close to her. It was too dangerous. The risk was too high. And he knew that his karmic debt would consume him eventually. When that happened, he didn't want Lumine to be there.

 He looked up at the sky. The sun was shining over Liyue. Another day, more enemies to kill. He wondered where Lumine was. He hoped that she had a safe trip towards Sumeru. Hopefully she met someone to keep her safe. Even though he knew she could defend herself, just the thought of someone watching over her made him feel better.

 There were so many things he wanted to tell her. So many things he couldn't let himself say out loud. But he couldn't help but think that maybe… If he had said those things… Maybe she would've stayed. Or maybe she would've offered him to join her on her journey. She had promised him once that they would travel the world together. But she hadn't offered. And he hadn't said anything. And now it was too late. She was gone, and he didn't know when she would be back.

 He sighed. There was no time to think about this now, not when the roads to Liyue still needed protection. He had taken it upon him to keep the roads safe, and it was a promise he was willing to upheld until the end of time. He reached for his weapon and prepared himself for the battles to come. The never ending battle. The war had ended for everyone around him, but for him it would last until the end of time. But if that was what it would take to keep everyone safe, then so be it.

Anyone coming up on the balcony at this point would only see the green mist slowly vanishing, and, if they listened carefully, could hear a faint whisper in the wind: If only I had said what I wanted to say, maybe you would still be here.