1 The Ultimate And Most Sought After Prize In The Whole Galaxy, Not Including That One Great Sandwhich From A Certain Unnamed Restaurant

Not often do I hear the words, 'You've won', and definitely not in my whole time living (well I wouldn't call what I do living because there is basically no part of my life that includes any type of verb such as moving or even breathing at this point) have I ever dreamed that I would, 'win'. But I did. Somehow in my shallow pit of despair and underwear and soda stained shorts did I win something of magnificent significance to the whole world. Crowds of people began to pick me up and like a bird with no wings (or pants on) I was soaring through the ocean of bodies that had lined up for the prestigious Unnamed University Prize Announcement. Mostly I received the long practiced jealousy look. The, 'Oh that lowlife-no-pants-wearing-basement-dwelling-nobody-who-has-an-odd-smell-kind-of-like-strawberries-but-less-sweet-random guy doesn't deserve it', kind of look. I began to shake at the thought of being tossed into the volcano of angry students with fangs like knives but at the same time felt safe clutching on to my prize. They couldn't harm me while I was holding this exclusive well sought after, one-hundred percent real and non-fictional prize. Like some sort of budget toy on a conveyer belt I was being passed down to the foot of the throne, the King of the Unnamed University, Talente, sat there in front of my very face.

"You there, random-guy-whose-name-I-do-not-know-and-who-has-a-strange-smell-kind-of-like-strawberries-but-less-sweet-winner-of-the-prize-I-deserve. Grovel before me and offer up that prize that I hardly worked hard to earn."

Talante was not only the King of the Unnamed University but he was also voted as the worlds number one most handsome man until he decided to become female in which he was voted as worlds most beautiful woman and then he rejected the title and returned to being a male so he held onto his title as number one most handsome man. It was quite a confusing ordeal that I tried my best to avoid but here I was underneath a literal spotlight before his throne. The teachers sat on their knees fanning him with larger-than-life leaves and throwing me the occasional side glance as if it was sacrilege to look at their King.

"I don't even remember entering, but I won so they're mine." I stood up for myself for the first time in my life. It felt refreshing like that cool breeze that hits you when you aren't wearing pants and just get out of the shower. The air on my legs was also refreshing because I wasn't wearing pants, in fact that was just a detail I began to realise now, consciously at least. Where did they even go?

"The prize is for me, the beautifully sculpted, voted number one most handsome man, Talante! It doesn't belong to someone like..." He stopped to look at me. And I mean really gawk at my whole existence. It was like he was there watching me being born, judging my complexion and position as a baby and laughing at how I took my first steps and then fell on my face. He was there when I kissed a tree in secret and when I covertly snuck into my parents bathroom to take my father's shaving cream because I thought it looked an awful lot like whipped cream and ate the whole bottle, all the while making a mock of me. "To someone like..." He held back from vomiting very obnoxiously, "...like you!" That was it, that was the last straw.

I had no future at the Unnamed University and was not blessed with an extremely well toned body and muscles that you'd just want to touch every second of every day, and I had no pants and definitely no pride left. All I had now was the prize. It was so spectacular that I myself could not fathom how fantastic it really was. I grasped my prize into a fist and shook it in the air. Like spectators at the tennis, the horde of people's heads looked left and looked right as I shook my fist left and right. I began to cackle like an old lady who may or may not actually be a witch. And right and left. And right, right, left, left, right. Left right and then left left right.

"ENOUGH OF THIS PECULIARLY UNINTERESTING SHOWMANSHIP." The King stood from his throne and threw back his gown. His massive muscles glistened in the moon light like he was made of mirrors, and the whole crowd of Unnamed University students fell back in awe. I myself kept to my composure, for it was ineffective when one wears no pants. "I DECLARE THAT WE SHALL FIGHT FOR THE PRIZE... IN A DUEL TO THE DEATH!" His mania really began to show as he began to laugh-cough but shoot side-eyes to the teachers to see if they had noticed that he had just spoken. Everyone began to cheer in a harmonious chorus built for the number one most handsome man to defeat me.

"Death to the random guy! Death to the random guy!"

In a panic I pulled off my own shirt leaving me in just my pant-less and shirt-less form, it would have been embarrassing if not for the King ripping off his own pants to reveal his hamstrings that looked as if they housed hundreds of hungry hamsters. There was no winning with this man. Suddenly the thought that ran through my head about ten minutes ago ran through my head once more.

Not often do I hear the words, 'You've won', and definitely not in my whole time living (not that I am not alive it's just that the story hasn't really begun so I have no ground to share how I am living currently in this pocket of time that transcends the timeline) have I ever dreamed that I would, 'win'.

I had won the prize. I claimed it for myself. I had walked drearily from my single room apartment with no hope only to find out that I had won something that everyone in the whole entire world had wanted. And here was someone who the whole world wanted wanting the other thing that everyone in the whole world wanted. I would need to do something quick or I would end up submitting and giving Talante exactly what he wanted. A little voice in my head whispered something interesting;

"No one will care who you are if you give him the prize. They'll go back to forgetting you forever. Also it's getting kind of cold please wear some pants soon or els-"

And my voice was right. No one had cared who I was until I took something they all sought after. I worked hard to get my hands on this prize, I had spent countless days and nights making sure I was at least average in all my grades, the entry condition of the Unnamed University Prize Competition. Yes I had no friends or good connections with my family or pants but that wasn't the point in entering the competition. I wanted the prize so badly that it overcame my hatred of the outside world to finally get out and get it. Now I had the prize in my hand and Talante's great and smooth fist in my face forcing me to travel to the speed of light and meet Einstein at the great black-hole of death, and I could do what I set out to do.

I scrambled to get up as Talante strode towards me with his army of Unnamed University zombie followers behind him. I shook my hands in front of me once more this time more frantically.

"I claim the prize, I CLAIM THE PRIZE!" Shock blew across everyone's faces. Suddenly an old man, probably not a wizard but then again since his magical appearance two seconds ago most likely a wizard, stood in front of me. His mouth parted and his voice was bliss.

"Then when should you like to go? You only have two tickets my good sir-who-has-a-strange-smell-kind-of-like-strawberries-but-less-sweet."

I looked at the tickets one last time and really tried to recall where I had first messed up. Where I could go to escape the devilishly handsome doomsday device Talante, where I could wear pants and have friends and have a healthy but not too healthy relationship with my family.

"I want to go back to when I first entered the Unnamed University, back five years ago!"

With that my life flashed before my eyes and I suddenly recalled this really delicious sandwich that was from this restaurant that I ate at like seven years ago which comparatively was a better prize than the prize of two tickets that could transport you back in ti-