H

It's already been a week since I talked to Namjoon. It's not that I didn't want to but between hospital visits and frequent breakdowns… I just didn't get a chance to.

A month… that's my deadline…

Either I will be able to live like a normal person once again or not at all. Any way it went, I was prepared to face it because this time I knew I wasn't alone. I had a friend who, though oblivious of my condition, I know will always support me and of course BTS… I have been watching all their old videos again these past few days, hoping to find some more courage, hoping to feel a little braver. I even wrote some poems LOL.

There was another reason why I didn't talk to him, though. I know it's time to tell him, that it was only right he should know. He has been a constant support to me these past months and I didn't want to leave him hanging… I didn't want to go away without explaining it to him, without telling him how grateful how I am to him, without a proper farewell but the more I thought about telling him everything, the more I realized…

I didn't want to say goodbye.

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Finally, after a few more days, I gained enough willpower to talk to him and so at last, I turned on the device that has been lying in a far-off corner of the room for the past week. I was greeted with several notifications, all of them asking what happened, where was I, if I was okay and all of them from the same person… him.

Tesha: [Hey… long time no see.]

There was an instantaneous reply which actually surprised me a bit since I know how he is always busy with work.

Namjoon: [WHERE WERE YOU? YOU JUST DISSAPPEARED. DIDN'T REPLY TO ANY OF MY MESSAGES. YOUR PHONE WAS OFF. I WAS SO WORRIED!! WHAT WERE YOU EVEN DOING?????]

My fingers stopped before I could reply as I felt all my determination slipping away.

Thank god I hadn't discarded my mask yet… I was a coward after all.

Tesha: [Woah... those a lot of question marks but chill, I was just busy. You know how the life of a fangirl is… here I was minding my own business when all of a sudden a new season of my favorite anime was announced!! And so I just HAD to re-watch ALL the previous seasons and read the manga all over again so that I am prepared with my own theories and for all the anticipated heart-break the new season will bring…. *phew* life is tough *wipes sweat off the forehead**]

Namjoon: [Are you done yet?]

Tesha: [Excuse meeeee!! A fangirl is never done FYI.]

Namjoon: [Tesha?]

Namjoon: [Can you please stop lying to me? I know we haven't known each for that long… but I still consider you as my friend and trust me when I say that… you can tell me when you are having a hard time. You can rely on me, both as a friend and as an ARMY.]

Tesha: [I know dude… but really I am fine… believe me. I am weird but I am okay. Oh… did you know that the word 'weird' actually comes from the old English word 'Wyrd' which means Fate?? Interesting, right?]

I didn't get a reply.

Did I convince him? I did act as usual, even more dramatic, this should be enough, right?

My thoughts were interrupted by the blaring ringtone of my ancient phone, indicating an incoming call. My eyes widened slightly as the name of the person, towards whom my thoughts were directed, showed up on the screen.

I released a shaky breath and after somewhat calming my racing heart, picked up the call.

A deep yet soothing voice greeted my ears, asking me for an honest answer….

"Are you really okay?"

And that's all it took for the mask, I so painstakingly created, to shatter into pieces as tears, the tears I held back all this time, choosing to smile instead, came forth with a vengeance.

With a shaky voice, I answered him, this time with the truth…

"No."

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We talked for hours that day. I knew he was busy, more than once he had to go away to handle things but he came back, every single time and I told him, everything that happened, up to this point in my soon to be over, sad life. He listened, patiently, never once interrupting me with hollow assurances, never once undermining my feelings by telling me to be strong knowing well that that's all I have been doing up till this very moment. He just listened.

And as those hours passed, for the first time in years, I could feel my heart lighten up, now relieved of the burden it was carrying all by itself all this time.

"So what are you going to do now", he asked when I was all but finished with my monologue.

"The surgery is scheduled for next month and though the chances of survival are less than 20% the doctors said it was my best shot. I am not complaining though. As long as there is even a slight chance, I won't give up and they are trying their best too."

"It's really admirable you know, still holding on after going through so much…"

"Well… I did learn from the best."

"The best?"

"Yep… if I am able to still hold on it's just because of those guys. When I was sad, they made me laugh. When I felt I was alone, their sincere messages to us said otherwise. When I could no longer hold my own, their music supported me and when I almost gave up, their story urged me to keep moving forward. You know… the first time I heard 'Hoping for more good days', I really started crying because it was the first time, I felt its okay, that everything was going to be just fine."

"I… wow…. I never realized they meant so much to you."

"That's understandable, I never really shared these thoughts with someone else because I knew not everyone could understand these feelings since they are different for each one of us but I am not saying it's a bad thing. If anything, these differences make this world more beautiful and BTS taught me that. They gave me lot and if I could have just one wish, I would really want them to know how grateful I am to them, that how much I appreciate all their efforts and sincerity. If I could have only one wish I would thank them with all my heart for being the stars that illuminated the endless darkness that my life seemed before I got to know them, for always being there for me."

"That's hella poetic but I am sure they would be happy to hear that…"

"Yes, they are kind like that but it's just a stupid wish which will fade away with me…" I spoke, feeling somewhat sad now that I said it all out loud and realized that things are really coming to an end.

"Don't say that," Namjoon replied, "You never know, your wish might come true if you believe with all your heart…"

"Wishes like these take more than belief to come true, they take miracles."

"True but we can't see miracles unless we make them happen and who knows you might just have made one."

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"Ms. Tesha"?

I looked up from the book I was reading to see a nurse standing by the door of the private room with an inquiring gaze. As my mind registered her question I simply gave a brief nod in answer.

"You have got some visitors"

But before I could ask anything she moved away to give way to seven men in casual clothes, who filtered into the generic hospital room and somehow managed to even brighten it up.

I looked at them wide-eyed and no words escaped me as they introduced themselves together....

"Dul set Bangtan! Annyeong haseyo Bangtan Sonyeondan ibmida!"