1 Chapter 1: Chapters 1-4

Chapter 1

I do not remember how I got here, but the office I am in is nice. The space is lavishly furnished with large bookshelves made of heavy oak. The chair I sit in is quite comfortable. The entrance is a beautiful dense oak door. The room has no windows.

Across me sits an old white man.

"I do not know why I keep having these...… nightmares," I tell the psychiatrist in a hushed voice.

The doctor looks at me through his spectacles, "Tell me about these dreams; sometimes dreams hold a deeper hidden meaning," He smirks faintly.

"The dreams are always different, but they leave me with the same sense of…disgust." I tell him.

"Similar in disgust?"

I get a chill, "I almost always kill in my dreams..."

I took a quiet pause and swallowed. I began to tell my story.

In this dream the night is endless; darkness is a veil that shrouds everything. I travel to a less then reputable part of the city, and I walk under the cover of darkness. Sometimes I see people jogging there and I think to myself

'Little late for a jog friend; you should go back indoors. Please go back indoors.'

The bustling of the city at night always makes me restless. My head starts to pound; the pain is intolerable. Only one thing can cure my aches.

I always find my cure.

As the pounding in my head becomes more awful and tormenting, I pant like a person who has toiled too hard. My target is walking alone; presumebly she had just left a party because of the way she is dressed.

'Stupid girl,' I think, 'today is not your lucky day; why did you have to be out so late?'

The rage inside builds; a blinding rage like no other.

All I hear is a faint voice in my head, 'kill her. Kill her.'

As I approach her, the voice becomes louder, when I near her the voice becomes clearly audible.

'Kill her! Kill her!'

When most of the way to her has eroded, the voice becomes a thunderous yell; the voice silences all other auditory stimulations. No more car engines rumbling, no more wind howling, all I hear is the voice. 'KILL HER! KILL HER! FUCKING KILL HER!'

As I stand next to her, the deafening voice ceases.

"Hi," I say to her with a warm smile.

She replies, "hi?" While smiling curiously and biting her lip lightly.

"I do not mean to sound strange, but do you want me to walk you home? This side of town is a bit dangerous," I tell her in a kind voice.

She laughs, "Sure.. My mom says I should not talk to strangers, but you won't hurt me will you?"

"Of course I will hurt you," I calmly say while staring into her emerald green eyes.

She gives me a funny look then laughs.

I laugh too. I think to myself 'Stupid girl.'

We start walking, and because this is a cold night I naturally offer her my coat. She gladly takes it, smiles, and "thank you."

'This is awkward I should try and start a conversation before she dies today', I think.

"That was some party huh?"

"Oh my God! You where at Jordan's party too? I didn't see you at all, and I would remember your face."

" Yeah…", I smile.

"How old are you anyhow?"

I look up knowing I must lie, "Twenty-one."

"Really? You look like.. a little young to be twenty-one,", she stares at her feet, "I'll be twenty-one this December. Soooo… in a month I can legally drink ... not that my age has ever stopped me or anything!" she says while laughing.

I laugh too. 'Stupid, young girl.'

"Where are my manners I forgot to introduce myself; my name is William, but call me Will," I say.

'Why did you tell her our name! Shut up! She will not be alive to remember it.'

"Little late for introductions haha, but I'm Amber nice to meet you." Amber was a bit drunk this should make things easier.

Although I do not want to kill Amber, I have to.

We are at the base of her apartment. I see her fumbling for her keys…

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Chapter 2

Siting in the auditorium thinking of the journey I have endured made me weary.

The lecture goes on and on, but I know everything. Truly I am a true genius— I scored perfect scores on all my exams. A feet unparalleled by any medical student. My classmates are gentle sheep, but they have grown on me; their existence is appreciated.

An orchestra of pencils compose a symphony of scribbles transcribing all the professor says at the will of the sheep who wield them. The professor paces up and down passionately preaching, but I don't care, soon I will be out of here and in my residency. The man finishes talking and the music of the pencils stop. Everyone else meticulously packs their materials away; I have nothing to pack— I never take anything out of my book bag.

"Will, you owe me coffee," Miranda nervously giggles. As I start to leave.

I look at her curly miss-kept coffee-collored hair, her round beady brown eyes,and her chocolate freckles. "Really why?" I respond. I know full well why.

"You promised!" She smiles.

"I have to return some videotapes," I say laughing, It's An Ironic reference now that I look back on it.

"Not funny. I hate that movie. Sooo, Starbucks then? Its on campus," Miranda says.

"Ok."

We walk.

"Psychiatry huh? I never pictured you as much of a thinker. You are too spontaneous," she tells me.

"Yeah that's me, a simpleton." I smile. 'A simpleton with perfect scores.'

"Why? You really did seem to enjoy cutting open the cadavers?"

"I do, but I want to understand people."

"Just read youtube's comment section, or Taylor's twitter feed— trust me you do not want to know what goes on in peoples' mind. haha" I laugh.

"Lets go camping," I say playfully with a huge grin.

"Hahaha ummm, no! Do you think I'll just open my legs, like that girl you told me about just because your so flattering?" Miranda says flirtatiously.

"Fuck starbucks lets travel somewhere. Road trip!"

"What!? You are kidding right?"

"No"

Half unsure she responds, "This is why we are friends. Let me pack some things."

"No packing. No planning. Lets go, now."

"Ummm? Okay!" She lets out a grin and laughs.

I'm surprised I did that, normally I plan things objectively.

Pragmatism is everything.

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Chapter 3

The doctor opens his strange notebook "So what did you do to Amber?"

"Umm…. I do not remember," I say clearly panicked.

The Medical assistant walks in casually with a tray of refreshments. Her pink skirt flapping indoors as if it were crying for the wind. Her ponytail like a pendulum swinging back and forth as she walked almost hypnotizing me.

She sets the tray on the table between the doctor and I. I make eye contact with her and she smiles at me, but as soon as it appears she nervously looks down and walks away.

The doctor drinks some tea and I drink some nice cold water.

"So I hear you are almost done with your residency in Psychiatry."

"Yes I am. Sad to say I have a few Issues of my own," I tell him.

In response he sighs, "Yes a few… you… have… such a promising career though. You got perfect scores in your exams just like me"

"Ok Dr. Erlich. See you this time next week," he tells me.

I feel a bit dizzy the world dances around— spins like a carousel.

"Do not be late. I know you are very punctual!" He chuckles….sarcastically.

"William are you ok?" I hear, "William?" again but fainter.

My vision fades.

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Chapter 4

I remember being a boy lost and afraid.

Everyone I had known dead—- some before my very eyes. How the blood spattered like fireworks; A sight I will not forget. Memories so fundamental to me — they are like a base code, to my programming.

"Hi Will its your Aunt Susan," She said with a shaking smile— almost forced as we stood in the terminal of the airport.

People walked all around; an unending flow of people all heading to one place or another with their grey suits, baseball caps, or Nikon camera— all of them so happy, seemingly enjoying life.

'Why could I not have that?' I think to myself.

I do not reply. Instead the woman escorting me speaks for me.

"He has been through a lot, I think you need to give him time to warm up— there is no telling what he has seen, but kids forget," She says with a scent of pity in her voice.

"I'll give him a good home, and we'll do all we can for him; Its a miracle he is here now. I have only heard great things about him," Susan replies as if I was not there— as if I did not speak English. I played along.

My aunt drove a Mercedes Benz black like the night sky, with tinted windows that made their best effort to conceal those inside; it was much like the one my father owned.

I sat in the back looking out the window through the beautiful city piercing its vail and seeing beyond what the eye can. The skyscrapers— symbols of power and domination— I wondered who works in them? Who gets up every morning to do the same thing 5 days a week 8 hours a day till the day they die? Do they really want to live, or are they just afraid of death? Maybe death could be a release as sweet as honey for them— it would free them from there chains of bondage the secret

slavery in plain sight; their children, their spouses, their debt.

I had already been set free; A slave to this world no more. I just didn't know it yet.

"My sweet," My aunt calls out in German from the front seat. " How are feeling? Are you excited about finally meeting your cousin Katherine and Zach? Im sure your mother must have told you much about my Twins."

"Yes."

In truth I was excited to meet them. But as I write these recollections to you now— whoever you are please note my naivety would not last long.