Why So Quiet?

Now, listening 'Why So Silent?' or 'Why So Quiet?' is not a big deal for me. Well, it has become a usual thing now. Everyday, at least once, someone asks me the reason of my silence and I am like, "I don't know!".

Okay, so I know that it's weird but I can't do anything. I just don't like to talk much. Hmm...so I was okay till last year but I think puberty hit me and I changed. Many things happened. My brother like angel died, the Covid-19 virus started and a lot of emotional stress also arrived. Many people told me that this is the side effect of being a single child. Yeah, it maybe true at some point. I don't believe this fact though. I just like to be by myself.

My Mom always asks me to talk and make friends in school and I tell her that I will but that doesn't work. Making friends has always been a big deal for me. I've been in this city for five years now but I still don't even have a single friend. Oh, I do have a lot of friends but they are all like 'Fake Friends'. None of them are real.

About our classroom, I have a few friends there but they don't speak to me much because my reply is always in two-three words only. I have a friend actually but she's also not like actually a friend. She is in the other classroom though. A lot of people actually say if you just stay like this choosing people to be your friends and searching for type then, nothing will be left. But, I think now it's the time for me to find a real friend who will stay with me for my whole next life and will be 'Real'. Sometimes, I feel that 'I want a friend like me'.

The teachers are happy that I am sitting quietly in class and listening to what they are speaking but at the same time, they even ask me to communicate with my other classmates and make friends. Okay, so I know that it's for my good sake itself, but I don't like that. I just want to be by myself and enjoy the fun things happening in my mind.

I remember this one incident that took place about a month ago. Our teacher was scolding this one boy and she suddenly asked him whether he could spend a day like me and then, she also asked me if I could spend a day like him; just laughing and irritating all the time. Yeah, I wanted to try but then rejected.

I've always known to be a girl in our class who doesn't laugh and sits quietly all the time. I am not very happy that I am that person. I too want to be one of the normal stupid amazing people of our class. Well, I guess not. I am happy on who I am. Yeah, that's 'Self Love'.

I can say that I get angry very quick. I am not a nerd but maybe kind of. I hate it when somebody back answer teachers or make fun of them. That's just very rude and I hate that. Yeah, so if you are wondering 'Why this in this book?' then the actual reason; it's not that you can't get angry if you are an introvert. I mean, introverts too have feelings right? Yeah, so there is this guy in our classroom who does all the above mentioned things, talks back to teachers and makes fun of them in front of them itself and I hate that. I usually give him an angry look and he hates me and makes fun of me being an introvert and what I actually want to say hear is that, introverts too can have fun moments like this. Yeah, so I take this as a fun moment. I mean, it's some kind of a fun right?

And yes, so they say that everything has a reason and I think that my silence too has a reason. I don't know what that is but I am trying to find out.

Being silent actually has it's own perks actually. People like you because you don't get into fights and usually others win in the arguments though the actual person who wins is you, yourself. It's because Silence always wins the fight, silently. Another perk of being silent is that you get less punishments from teachers cause teachers think that you are innocent to have had done any kind of mistake. Well, that's a thing that makes others jealous too. I'd say that I don't get into fights very much but others don't know how many times I have killed them in my mind. Well, I may have killed them more than a thousand times if they have ever hurt me.

People often think that I am rude or I have attitude problem but that's not at all true. I just don't like to talk much and that's not at all rude but it's a thing that could be called as 'Introvert' or 'Shy'. I have not figured out yet whether I am an introvert or an extrovert though. I don't think that I am a 'Shy' person too. Maybe a little bit.

I sit separately sometimes or merge with the wall but that's not like a rude thing right? I hope it's not cause I don't think that it is.

I don't think many people like me with this attitude cause they are like not very happy when I sit with them cause I don't talk to them and they get bored. Is that even a reason? Well, I don't like this at all. I get very sad whenever this happens. But, I love my cousin sister. She never forces me to speak and understands things well. She is the best.

I speak 'Marathi' and 'Konkani' at home and it has never been clear on what I speak cause I speak 'Marathi' with my Mom and 'Konkani' with my Dad. But, I never mix both the languages cause that's really annoying. Well, I guess language is also one of the reasons of my silence. There are many reasons I guess, which are unrevealed yet but soon will reveal, I guess. So, the reason that language is also a reason is that, the place where I live i.e. Karnataka, here only 'Kannada' is spoken and I am too bad at that and hesitate to speak with others with my broken language.

I am a huge fan of Indian actor, 'Sushant Singh Rajput'. He too was an introvert but that never made him his weakness. That is one of the big things that Inspires me and makes me happy on the fact that I am an introvert. Yes, so he's my inspiration, god, brother, angel, world and everything.

I feel weird when any teacher stares at me. They like first stare and then their next sentence is like, "Why is that girl, there in the corner, sitting so quietly?" and then my classmates scream, "She is like that only!!". And this makes me feel so embarrassed that I just like don't do anything. I maybe laugh a little when they say that so that I don't seem to be rude.

But still, despite of all these weird things that happen with me, I am happy to who I am.