1 Why did it have to be you

Weeks have passed since that cursed day on Vormir. Why did it have to be Natasha. Why couldn't we have picked any other location, any other stone. But no, going to an alien planet had sounded pretty badass to me. And as a couple, we always went on missions together. In the past we tried doing them separately, and first it worked just fine, but after New York I was terrified of losing her. When she tried leaving me, my depression got very dark, so she decided never again. We met when we were both Agents of SHIELD. She was a world renowned spy, and I was the best of my area: a deadly marksman. It didn't take long before Clint noticed my talent and he started challenging me: his bow against my sniper. That's how we met, the archer introduced us. For a while we were the golden trio of the SHIELD head quarters. Everybody respected us and our abilities, and they knew not to stand in our way. When we were sent on a mission, it was always successful. Everybody claimed Natasha was this stoic person with no sense of humor, her eyes were always on her next target. And while it was true that she was always extremely focused and you could never surprise her because she was always on her guard, there was also this side of her that almost nobody got to see. The way she laughed when I pranked Clint, how she always tried to avoid hurting animals, how she loved to be awake so she could see the sunrise and finally, how her eyes got that little glow when she saw me wearing a gala dress for one of our undercover missions. When we arrived back at the head quarters after that particular mission, I got smacked against the wall by the redhead. "What are you doing?!" I hissed, more surprised than angry. "I can't do it anymore Nina." She mumbled with a serious tone, which just confused me. "What are you talking about Nat?" "You." "Me?" "Yes. We've known each other for 3 years now, and I tried to fight it, I really did… Love is a weakness, that's what they thought me. But I can't stop myself from falling for you." My eyes widened in surprise. I had found Natasha hot the very first day I saw her, this quickly turning into finding her beautiful and stunning. I had had a crush on her for months, but since I didn't see any interest from Natasha her side I had pressed it away. I didn't want to push anything onto her, especially since her past. "You… like me? I mean, like me like me?" Embarrassed she turned her face away, clearly mistaken my surprise for refusal. Quickly I placed the palm of my hand against her cheek, my heart lighting up when I could feel her leaning against it. "I've had it for you since the first week we met Natasha, but I didn't want to impose." Happiness seared through her green eyes. "Will you go out with a date with me?" Accepting my proposal she pulled me into a hug, and that's the first time I could really breathe in her scent. This would soon become the only smell in the world that could make me feel at home.

Years had passed and we were happy together, even though we went through a lot of shit. When the alien invasion in New York happened, we had been together for 2 years. Up until then I was just fine with doing missions away from each other, but when that attack had happened I was in Pakistani, on an undercover mission. Seeing her face on the news, but not being capable of helping her in any way, it broke me. It was the only time in my life that my mission had failed, and it was 100% my own fault. I just crashed, I tried calling her so often that I lost count at attempt number 384. When it once again went over to voice mail, a wave of frustration had taken over me and I had smashed the phone against the wall. In this wave of anger I destroyed everything around me, which resulted in me being covered in cuts and blood dripping on the floor. I lied down on the bed, frozen. I knew I had to get out of here, get on a plane, but I was incapable of it. I just laid there for I don't know how long, but eventually she found me. When she saw the state I was in shock and guilt filled every fiber of her being, and she held me close to her, me practically sitting on her lap. Silent tears left my eyes and she cried along, seeing me like this shattering her heart. That's when the fear of abandonment started, and after a single attempt of going on a mission without me she promised: never again. The depression got too dark, too heavy, too impossible to deal with. So she brought me with her to the compound. When the Avengers wondered who I was, her answer was: "My future wife and the best marksman in the world. Touch her and I'll break each your fingers personally." This was the first time she ever mentioned wanting me as her wife and I smiled, this was Nat her way of being romantic.

It didn't take long before I was part of the gang, already knowing 33% of the group turned out to be an efficient way to get them to like you. As more people joined our circus and more fucked up events happened in our life, Nat and I just grew closer. We loved stealing away small moments, like going up to the rooftop to watch the starts. When the Civil War happened, of course I joined Natasha. She explained to me from the very beginning that she was going to help Steve, but she just had to be 100% sure that there was no way of holding our family together. When T'Challa told on Nat, we ran. We ran as far as we could, going to a little caravan in Norway, hiding from the rest of the world. Our plan was to stay here for a couple of months until all of the fuss had gone down. But that's when she got that message from Yelena, her sister, and after I had fished Natasha from the river we went to Budapest together. I wasn't with them when they decided to take on the Red Room, I never even met Yelena. Sure I saw her from a distance, but she didn't see me. I followed them, Nat was aware of this, she liked the idea of me having her back. When Ross was on his way to collect Natasha, I made sure this never happened. Shooting their tires was easy, and a smoke bomb made sure that she got away safely. When she finally reached my location I pulled her into a hug, pressing my forehead against hers. "You have a very interesting family." I whispered and I could feel her smile against me. "Next time I'll introduce you to them, this just wasn't the right time." I planted a kiss on her lips. "I know sweetie. So where are we off to next?" A sad smile crossed her face. "To find Steve and break Wanda, Sam, Clint and Scott out of prison. Since I managed to patch things up with my family, maybe the Avengers also have a shot." I laughed out loud. "A very small one."

When Thanos snapped half of humanity away, there were no words for me to describe how grateful I was for not losing Natasha. But it was still a slap in the face. Half of our friends, of our family. They were just gone. We went to The Garden to kill Thanos for doing this, but it turned out that he had already destroyed all of the stones… Taking every chance of bringing the missing people back with him. Thor killed him for it. In the beginning everybody kept looking for ways to undo the snap, but month after month more of the remaining Avengers started to give up. They began living their new life, with no hope left in their hearts. But not us. Not Nat and me. We kept going, kept researching, kept fighting. Of course we still lived our lives, it's not like we stopped excising. But our only goal was to get them back and our SHIELD training kept us going: the mission was not completed so we couldn't stop. 1 year after the snap Nat had gotten on her knee for me, saying that all of this made her realize how precious our time together was and if I wanted to marry her. I didn't even have to think about the answer, of course I would. But we made the deal that our marriage would only happen after we got all of our friends back. After all, what's a party with only half of the invited guests? Then Scott returned and came to us with his absolutely psychotic plan. I loved it. Yes it was crazy and experimental but it actually had a chance of working. At this point Natasha and I had spend 13 years of our life as a couple, add 3 years to that as best friends and this brought us to 16 long years, happily together. When it was time to decide who was going to get which stone, Natasha and I volunteered to go to Vormir. She knew that I always wanted to go back to space after that quick visit to The Garden, so she saw this as the perfect opportunity. I was so happy to go, so happy to finally get our friends back. I never thought about how wrong it could go.

When the Red Skull told us the condition of getting the stone, I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. I was not going to let some golden gem break us apart. "No." I said to Natasha, who was sitting down on a stone, lost in thoughts. "This is absolute utter bullshit, we're not doing this Nat. We'll go back to the compound, and-" "-and what Nina?" She asked with a voice filled with sadness. "Ask someone else to sacrifice their life because we're not willing to do it?" I placed my hands on my hips. "Yes!" "Nina…" "Don't Nina me! I'm not going to lose you Natasha! I know you, you already have this entire plan in your head and I'm sure it's with you being the one who jumps. I can't do this without you Nat…" She stood up and walked over towards me, resting her forehead against mine. "We have to do this, everybody is counting on us. If we don't get that stone, all of this will be in vain. Everybody will stay dead." Tears escaped my eyes and dripped on the floor. "So what, people have moved on. Everybody has moved on except for us! You promised me you would never leave me again, remember? You promised!" At this point Natasha was also crying, though she would never admit it. "We have to finish the mission moy lyobov' (my love)…" Tears filled my field of vision and as I tried to wipe them away, a huge electric shock went through me. I fell to the ground and even though I wanted to get up, I was incapable of doing so, my limbs not listening to the orders my brain was giving them. Natasha looked at me for a moment, a broken expression covering her face. "I love you Nina." She ran towards the edge, and by the time I was capable of getting back on my feet she's too far away for me to catch up with her. "Natasha, no!" I yelled, but I was too late. She jumped of that cliff and a inhuman scream left my lips. At the edge I dropped to my knees, looking down, somehow still hoping for her to hang on to a rock, waiting for me to pull her up. But all the way on the bottom I could see her broken body, bent in an unnatural position. I just sat there, crying, feeling my heart shatter into a million pieces. I didn't pay attention to the thunder that appeared out of nowhere, to the clouds that got this orange color. It's only when it was too blinding and I was forced to close my eyes that I acknowledged it. As it got dark again I looked around me, realising that I was at the bottom of the cliff, with the cursed soul stone in my hand. I jumped up and looked around me, trying to find her body, but there was nothing. She was gone.

When I returned to the platform in the compound, so did the rest. It didn't take long before they noticed Natasha not being by my side. Bruce was the first to speak up: "Nina, where's Nat?" I sank through my knees, unable to say anything. Clint rushed to my side, he has known me just as long as she did, so he knew what had happened. I didn't need to tell him. "Hey steady girl, I've got you." My body hang lump in his arms, the only thing I could do was cry. Why did I want to visit space. This was all my fault.

As the others started working on making the new gauntlet, I stumbled towards our room. My room, I corrected myself, which caused a new wave of tears to take over. Every centimeter radiated Natasha, with this being the place where we had lived together for more than 5 years. Her SHIELD hoodie rested against the back of a chair, her peanut butter sandwich still lying on the plate where she threw it because we were called downstairs. Her ballet shoes are thrown in a corner, since the snap she had started practicing again. Her favorite lipstick lays on the dresser, next to a bunch of framed pictures. There is one of Clint, Nat and me, the golden trio. A small one of her with Yelena, one of me with my old dog, and then one of just the two of us. I smashed the glass and carefully peeled the picture from between it. She had her arms around my waist and pulled me close to her, the biggest smile ever on both of our faces. It was taken the day after we got engaged. I folded it together and stuffed it into the pocket of my jeans, playing with the engagement ring when I had finished this minor task. That's when a sudden explosion blasted me of my feet.

It was Thanos, hunting us from the past. Scott managed to get me out of the rubble but I didn't care, honestly I wished the explosion would have just killed me. But it didn't, and that bastard was the reason why the love of my life was dead. So without thinking about it I threw myself into the battle, killing as much of these foul creatures as I could. I managed to get close to him, but that's when I had to admit that my guns were no match against a titan. Just before he could deal the killing blow Wanda appeared in front of me, red magic waving off of her. Right, they managed to bring them all back. She's dead Wanda, she's dead… My thoughts repeated themselves over and over again and seeing the wave of sadness cross her face, I knew she had heard me. After all, Wanda hda been one of Natasha's best friends. "You took everything from me…" She whispered, after which she send blast after blast towards him. This was the point where I lost consciousness.

When I woke up I was in a hospital bed, covered in tubes. Wanda and Clint were both in my room, and when they noticed me waking up they were immediately by my side. They talked to me but honestly, I didn't know what they were saying. All I felt was emptiness, like my very soul had been ripped out of my body. Ha, the irony. One night I decided I had enough, I pulled the tubes out of my body and went looking for pills I would take. When I was halfway through swallowing them, Wanda walked in on me. "Nina what the fuck are you doing?!" I didn't try to hide it, I actually tried swallowing even more, and she pulled me away. With her magic she removed the pills from my stomach and I just layed there, crying. "Please…" I whispered. "Please let me die. I don't want to live in a world without her."

6 weeks have passed since Wanda saved my life, and still I wish she didn't. I had removed myself from what was left of the Avengers and went to Norway, the place where Natasha and I had stayed for one entire day during the Civil War shit. I open the door, and even though this was one of her safe houses I can still recognize her in everything. I sit down on the bed, taking out the picture of the two of us together. I am so grateful for the fact that I had stuffed it into my jeans before Thanos destroyed our home. It was all that was left of us. I lie down and sniff the pillow, hoping to find a small trace of her scent. But it's gone, just like she is. I don't get startled when I can suddenly feel the coldness of the barrel of a gun pressing against my temple. I had heard her coming, and I had been waiting for this to happen for quite some time now. "Hello Yelena." The pressure gets stronger. "Hello Nina." A strong Russian accent accompanies the words. When I met Natasha she also had that accent, but over the years it got less and less. Before she died she managed to speak 9 languages so good that it was as if it was her birth language. I keep lying down, not having the will left to actually move. "You killed her." Tears start running over my cheeks when I hear her words and I don't even try to hold them back. Softly I nod. "It's my fault she's dead." It's like Yelena did not expect this answer. "I'm sorry Yelena, there are not enough words in the world to express the sorrow I feel. Natasha always used to talk to me about you, she couldn't wait for me to meet her baby sister. You barely aged since Budapest." A couple of seconds pass in total silence. Slowly Yelena takes a step back, taking her gun with her. "What are you talking about?" Slowly I sit up. "I was there, but in the distance. I used to be a SHIELD marksman, my specialty being snipers. I followed you, Nat knew of this of course." "I thought I saw a shadow following us…" Yelena whispers. I take this opportunity to take a better look at the blonde woman. Her hair is tangled and dirty, her eyes swollen and her cheekbones stick out, showing how skinny she is. "Since you have barely aged, I assume that you have been snapped." Yelena lets go of some of the air she was holding and sits down on the bed next to me. "One moment I was gone, and the next I was back. It's like no time had passed. When I wanted to call my sister to ask her what had happened, it got directed to a guy named Bruce. He informed me that Natasha had died in her mission to bring back the people." Her voice is but a whisper at this point. "Maybe if I hadn't been snapped she wouldn't have tried so hard to bring us back." I know this isn't true, Natasha would have given her life no matter what. "So I wanted someone else to blame for her death, anyone but me. That's when I thought of you, she had mentioned you before. I assumed you had to be there with her and after doing some research my thoughts were confirmed. Since you had the chance to stop her but you didn't, I could put the blame on your shoulders instead of my own." At this point tears are rolling over her cheeks. "It's not your fault Yelena." I whisper. "Nat would have jumped even if you weren't snapped, she lost so many of her friends and family… She would do anything to get them back." A sad smile crosses Yelena's lips. "It's not your fault either. Even though I wanted to blame you, I know that you probably did everything you could." "I should have done more." We sit there in silence, each lost in our own sadness. "Were you happy together?" A sob leaves my lips before I can stop it and hundreds of memories flood my mind. "Very." When I can hear Yelena cry in response, I slowly pull her into a hug, giving her all of the opportunities to pull back. But she doesn't, she leans into my embrace. As we press our foreheads together it feels like a part of Natasha is here with us. "Why did it had to be her…" Yelena sobs, and I can't help but feel the same way. Why did it have to be you.