1 Diary entry number 1 (24/4/20)

Tuesday 24TH April 2020

It's been almost a year since my dad died. I only ever imagined how hard it was to lose a parent, all the crying, anger and pain. But the moment I heard the words, I'm so sorry Adelin but your dad is dead, It was so much worse than what I ever could have imagined. I don't mean that there was more crying than what I thought or more pain or anger. It was the opposite. I felt nothing, I was numb and this feeling of nothingness haunted me. I was dying to feel just an ounce of something, a slight smile or a single tear but nothing for months. I was completely and utterly numb. The day it all hit me, the day all my emotions and heartache finally broke free was the 4th of December, his birthday. That morning I remember as I lay in bed, I opened my eyes and tears just poured uncontrollably out of my eyes and strangely I felt happy. I could finally feel something and I could at last remember all my happy memories with my dad. I almost felt guilty for feeling so happy but I realised that the period of numbness that I felt was my way of grieving. Don't get me wrong I still miss him everyday but on the 4th of December was the first time I felt in control in so long, I knew things would start to look up from that day on and I was right. Me and my mum finally started to resume our lives, I went back to school and she went back to work. It almost felt normal, well as normal as it could be but it was like there was an unfixable hole in our idea of normal. But one thing that helped me and my mum move on was accepting the fact that this hole was there and there is nothing we could do about it. I have been able to carry on with my life these past few months, making it as normal as I possibly could. But Today was the first day since his death that my world has been shook up throwing me off the positive path I was embarking on. My mother said something today that completely rattled me and made my blood boil. What she said made it seem to me like she wants to completely just forget about my dad and start a new life like he never even existed. She said she wants to move house! But like that isn't bad enough, leaving the family home that me, my dad and my mum grew up in, she wants to move to a different bloody country. But not somewhere close to England like Wales or Scotland... she wants to move half way across the fucking world to AUSTRALIA!