1 Shape of the blade

I was walking casually on the street, this is one of those days when you wanna be anywhere except your home. The road was divided into two halves, to my right was the other lane and to my left either shops or parked cars (parked in front of some shops) covering the space of road. A car went past me and a sensation built in me, the sense of sound was the first to vanish, I could still see but what was it that I was seeing. It was the road with the traffic and the shops alright but amidst them my imagination was forming something.

I grabbed my chest with my right hand and held on to the car to my left with my left hand, even though it felt like I was losing consciousness my mind knew I was on a road and wouldn't let me fall. Inside my black lower my knees had become hollow and the center of my chest under the purple synthetic shirt had a mysterious weight to it. My head bowed down, I was falling. I raised my head and was able to stand properly, it was over, the weight was gone my senses were back.

And I raised my head again, this time in my class. It was a dream.

The class was gone, they were all at ground and playing. Why wasn't I playing? I am not a nerd let's be clear with that but how would you feel if the only person you interact with scores higher than you even when you teach him. So, at the beginning of this year I have pledged that I need to get better grades and hence I am skipping games periods to buy myself time and finish syllabus quickly. But right now, teachers are walking in the corridor and they don't appreciate me kind of bunking a game's period, so I am acting ill and that's why let's head down again.

I took off my specs, folded them, kept them away and crossed my arms on the desk and rested my head between them and closed my eyes. It got dark. And in the darkness a purple tint appeared and folded itself forming an image, perhaps a memory. What memory is it though? OHH wait... wait... wait… we need to introduce. The memory of the fit I just saw actually had happened to me a few months ago and it is something I don't actually care about (yet).

Am I ill? No. Am I suffering from something? Not yet. You want to know more about it? Who cares I am telling you and you must listen, so let's finish that memory first of all.

'I raised my head and started walking again, thinking what just happened to me. I turned left from the four-way intersection and walked straight ahead. This road was also covered both left and right in shops. Grocery shops, ration shops, wholesale shops, medical shops, bakery shop, snack shops. The huge yellow iron gate appeared to my left, this is my society street. I walked to the house under behind the huge tree, with a small black gate. I stopped at the gate and thought one last time, maybe just the traffic sound getting on my nerves.

Kids, I want you to know, not everything ends on maybe so always confirm those maybes. That was what had happened when I got my first fit.'

I opened my eyes and stood up straight as the bell rang and my classmates will be here soon. There was some noise of footsteps climbing the three floors and it stopped right at the class door and then someone pushed open the door and threw their exhausted hand at the switch board to turn every electronic on even though he only required fan.

And then Vikas asked me the biggest question mankind has…

"Aey, you didn't come to ground?"

"I came, but then I returned like five minutes beforehand as my game was over." I lied as truthfully as I usually do, like if they actually cared for me in the ground they would know I wasn't there, so what's the point in asking that after the period's over and spoiling my mood.

He nodded and lay relaxed on the desk and many students followed, laying themselves relaxed on the desk, with some opening water bottles and drinking like there's no tomorrow. I waved at Ujjwal entering the class (you can guess it… my only friend for the time being).

He sat down next to me and I asked-

"So, how was it?"

"Yeah cool, cool." He said with heavy breathes. He is fat and hence not sporty, I am slim still not sporty.

But unexpected for you I waved at someone else as well as they walked towards the fourth row from the door (my row). It was Sam. He shifted to our section this year and he is super good at drawing and I have recently picked up the interest of drawing anime characters so I think he could help me and teach me hopefully. But is that the only reason to our friendship? A big no… A big NO. Actually, Ujjwal skips school a lot to study at home, I can't do that because of my mother and hence I need someone at school. I know I sound lonely but, it's just because (the story has just begun) I am focusing on studies right now.

I waved at Sam, he waved back and sat behind me. The class teacher also entered the class. Our class teacher taught us Hindi, and she was someone you will like as soon as you meet her but only until you keep meeting her. Because the more you get to know her the more you will hate her.

She is about forty and wears specs. She talks politely but behind her politeness resides cunningness. Now you might ask that my year of 10th just begun so how come I know her so well. Unfortunately, she taught me when I was in 8th as well and that was the last year in which I appreciated her because after that I learnt that she doesn't really care about us.

She commenced the class by saying -

"So, everyone take some rest, drink water and we will begin." In her polite voice (and broken English), "Aryan can you clean the board?"

Who is Aryan? Another introduction? NO, it is I, I am Aryan Kumar, age 14, loves to know about things, good in coding and teacher's favorite, except for sport's teachers. And in her class all responsibilities are mine; I bring newspaper; I clean board; I check uniform; she would even call me to cook at her home if she could. Because of her I am not able to do anything in class, whether I am studying or talking to someone, she always keeps interrupting me.

Once I was working on some mathematical questions and I was so focused towards it, she still kept calling me to bring newspapers, giving me a look can't you hear and I wanted to return a look, can't you see. To be honest, it is not her fault, no one else would listen to her, that is why I am stuck trying to hold my reputation. A reputation I wished I didn't have but what can be done now?

I signaled Ujjwal to move so that I can go out, my side was blocked by wall. He got out and I moved out and the he sat on the inside seat. I picked up the duster and cleaned the black board, smiled at ma'am and then sat down again. Our Hindi lesson started.

I just stared at the board but you know you can tell I wasn't focusing at class because ma'am was only narrating the chapter right now and she wasn't writing on the board.

The boring and long lesson ended and I stood up from my desk and went to ma'am.

"Ma'am may I bring the newspapers?" I asked.

"Aryan you didn't bring them? yes, yes go bring them." She ordered.

What's with this ridiculous questioning, if I had brought them why would I ask to get them again?

I walked out of the class and climbed down the four floors (I know I said there are three floors but the library is in basement). I walked to the left where library was at the end of the corridor and opened the door and greeted our librarian teacher.

"How many newspapers?" The librarian teacher asked in her usual dull tone.

"38" I replied, I don't even know what tone to use here.

She counted two newspapers at a time and separated thirty-eight newspapers for me and gave it to me and also gave me a register. I signed in front of class's name and wrote 38. General record for our newspapers.

I picked up the newspapers and rested them on my left arm and picked up the top newspaper with my right hand. I went back to my class, kept all the newspapers on teacher's desk and carried the one newspaper in my right hand to my desk. I always take my newspaper beforehand. I opened page no. 5, wizard corner, and began solving my sudoku.

This is my usual routine for my school life.

Periods went by and lunch break bell rang. Now did I mention, that I am trying to look for new friends because I seriously lack a group? Lucky for me there have been many new admissions.

The whole class went downstairs and Ujjwal went for his meal. Meal is the awful food service provided by our school in the name of fresh lunch for kids, which has two servings unlimited and two limited servings, sometimes one of which is salad. So our school provided unlimited bread with unlimited sabji, but the salad was limited for some reason. The last serving was dessert, limiting which is a valid point, but when you eat salad, you want to eat all the time with your food but you just can't have it here for some reason.

So, I was alone in my class, as soon as I finished my lunch I looked around and in the corner was one of the new kids with the biology book in his hand. I walked to the desk beside his desk in the consecutive row.

"Yo, what's your name?" I asked, waving my hand.

"Jatin, what's yours?" he said in a shy tone.

"Aryan, so you like to study I see."

"Yeah."

"You are interested in biology?"

"Yeah, kinda…"

"So… why did you move to this school?"

He was going to answer when the bell rang and our class teacher looked at me and her eyes pointed to my desk. I went back to my desk waving bye to our incomplete conversation and looked around, where I also saw another new kid at the last desk of the same row, quietly nibbling something.

I walked through the desks, suddenly my body felt a force pulling me. I turned around and I could see a very faint transparent rope extending out of me. It was floating in the air out of me.

"Aryan sit down." Our class teacher said.

I looked towards her and all of that force and the rope had vanished, I sat at my desk.

All of these weird things have recently been happening to me. I don't remember when it started, it just started. I assume all of this is related to the fit I had and am having frequently. These fits have no reason as far as I have learnt in the short period of time for which I have been having them. I consulted my parents but they don't have a clue either. My mother just couldn't understand what I was feeling in that moment. She misunderstood of it as chest pain and I was given gas pills.

For all I know, it has negativity. Pure negativity that just collects itself in my chest, because that's how it feels. Why it feels so? That is still in question. I am going to meet Monica ma'am today for some answers.

She was my tuition teacher at some point and she has been a psychologist, I don't know if it's true, it's just what she said. All my other ways are closed because no one in my family understands it and I cannot share it with any friends, I don't know why it's just what I feel.

All the students who were gone to ground for break returned and Ujjwal sat beside me. It is game's period. And as you know, I need to bunk it.

Our P.E. sir entered the class and everyone stood up and greeted him.

"I need pin drop silence, form a line." He said trying to act like he is in control, we all know he won't be for long.

Everyone formed a line row by row and we went downstairs. I went to washroom as I was exiting the class. Now all I needed was to just wait for everyone to leave the floor and then I can get back in my class and start trigonometry.

As planned I left the washroom after passing some time thinking what I will do when I get home today. I got out of the washroom and switched on the fan and was going to begin with some questions when our biology teacher found me in the class.

"What are you doing here Aryan?" Kanika ma'am asked.

"Ma'am I have a sprain in my right leg." I lied obviously again.

"But still you should go to ground with everyone else, don't sit alone in classroom (I never knew how much this would mean to me later on). Go to the medical room and then go to ground."

"Ok ma'am (HELL NO)." I said and she left, now I assumed she wouldn't return and so I can easily continue my work, but just then…

"Aryan, you didn't go?" she nudged me again opening the classroom door enough to get her face in.

"I was just leaving, I was packing all my stuff" I lied yet again but this time she didn't leave she kept looking at me and I was out of options.

I put my pens back in my black pouch and closed my books and got up. I walked slowly, keeping my right leg always on the ground to show her that she should let me stay, but she had no mercy. I walked out of the classroom and as soon as I started walking down the stairs she walked back to her class which was at the end of the corridor. I knew I cannot go back because if she found me now, no excuse could save me and the period was half over so I wouldn't be able to do much. I walked normally to the ground floor but started limping again there.

I opened the door that at the foot of the staircase that opened to ground. Everyone was playing. Ujjwal and Sam were playing basketball, near the basket (obviously). Some kids were playing volleyball and some were playing cricket. Our sir was observing everyone from the stage in front of ground. I sat on the stairs made on the stage and looked at everyone. Sir looked at me.

"Where did you come from?" he asked.

"Sir I was in class, I have a sprain in my right leg." I continued my lie.

"You should have told me about it and asked for my permission before staying in class."

"Yeah, I should have."

"So, you can't play?"

"No sir."

"Try to stand, you don't need to specially run."

"Sir I can't even walk properly."

"What happened?"

"I have sprain."

"Yeah I know that, but how did you get it."

"Sir I was playing yesterday in park when my right foot got stuck in a pit and twisted."

"You should be careful."

"I will be sir."

Absolute silence. To be honest for me the conversation had ended from my side at 'Yeah I should have'. I was looking at sir and the ground was to my right. Unconsciously I looked towards right with the volleyball coming towards me. I punched it with my right hand while tilting a little back to save my face and it hit the basket (could have been a basket but the angle was too off). The bell rang.

I stood up remembering I need to limp my right leg.

"EVERYONE FORM A LINE." Sir shouted and whistled using the blue whistle around his neck.

I went on ahead so I don't need to act limping for three floors. I actually skipped stairs and rushed towards third floor. I opened the door and switched on the lights and fans and laid on my desk. I took out the water bottle out of Ujjwal's bag and drank like there is no tomorrow. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone entering the class. I immediately covered the mouth of the bottle and kept it back where I picked it up from.

Everyone settled down. Ujjwal made me fill his water bottle. The rest of the periods began and ended like they usually do. The final school bell rang and everyone was dispersed.

I reached home. My house is on the third floor. It is a very simple building on the outside. I live in a simple colony with a park in front of my house. With a road that separates two lanes of houses at either side of the road, diverging at it's main gate which was in front of my house.

I climbed up pulling my bag which feels heavy everyday exactly when I am climbing the stairs to my house. I opened the main iron gate and took a U-turn around the wall. I opened the wooden door.

Just then, I got stabbed my a knife in my lower right back and pierced all the way to my stomach. I could feel it touching my internals. But I couldn't feel someone holding it. You know how if you're holding something you know if someone is holding it or not, you can feel a grip on the other end. I couldn't feel that grip. I turned around and there was no one, I looked at my stomach, even though I could feel a blade there was none. I put my right hand at my back and took out the blade. Somehow, I could feel the knife's blade's shape in my hand but I couldn't see it. And in all that time, I could feel the hole in me too.

Thank you

- Anshuman Khanna