16 Laura’s Feelings

[Laura's POV]

The head maid walked towards her young master's room.

She had gotten hold of an intriguing piece of news from one of the maids under her. It seemed the second young mistress Emma was seen going in the direction of young master Alex's room.

This news made her both curious and apprehensive. Young master Alex and second young mistress Emma didn't exactly have a great relationship. No, they used to be close, but during the past few years, they had almost separated from each other's life. Only seen together in the dining hall, when madam used to take the children to the garden or on a picnic, or when there was a combined study session. Other than those compulsory events, they were never seen together.

So, when she got wind of the news, she immediately headed there. Normally it was her madam Elizabeth's job to ensure the kids were well and to watch over them, but she had been preoccupied with her work a lot these days. Managing an entire territory with a lack of personnel wasn't easy. She had already strained her body and mind from all the work she did to ensure her family was stable and happy. Truly a woman worth praising.

She didn't want to unnecessarily cause distress to her and disturb her important work, so she took it upon herself as a diligent maid to watch over the children. Especially Alex, since he had special needs. Well, 'had'. He had surprised the head maid by becoming quite self-sufficient these last few days. In just a week he had transformed from a meek and tender young boy to an outgoing and mature teen. He acted strange at times, but Laura decided to blame it on teenage angst or something.

She had already planned two main scenarios that could occur: One, Emma went to Alex's room to quarrel or confront him for his new personality that may have irked her. She, along with everyone else noticed how Alex had changed. Laura knew Emma was observant, even if she acted distant and uncaring. The second scenario was a more peaceful one. Perhaps she noticed the changes and went to talk with Alex, perhaps even reconciling now that they didn't have two completely conflicting personalities. It was slightly far-fetched, but she still wanted to hope that that would be the case. It'll make the whole family even closer and happier.

Alex had already proven such a thing was possible by reconciling with his younger sister. They now played daily, after all. Young mistress Alice seemed much more cheerful too.

Laura finally reached her young master's room. Seeing it shut, she went closer to knock, but then froze when she heard the conversation.

"About Olivia. I know what she did to you…what she has done to you. That…That night, about a year ago, during one of her home visits, I saw her in your room, doing… doing those t-things to you… I-I was there. I saw it all."

"!!"

Hearing Emma's words, her face went pale.

'T-This… How?!'

Inside, she could hear Emma's voice as she confronted Alex about his 'dark secret' with Olivia.

She felt her heart beat faster as she gulped. For the first time in ages, she felt so nervous and afraid.

Emma was in possession of the secret that she thought only Alex, Olivia, and herself knew of. The very thought was frightening. This could get out of hand if she decided to tell her mother. But that hadn't happened yet apparently.

It seemed Emma had other plans. She decided to talk to Alex directly.

'How did she know? When was it? I made sure to cover this incident up once I got to know of it. Was it before that?'

She tried to think of the possibilities, but her head was a mess. And it was clear she was speaking the truth. So, it had happened. She knew!

Laura dreaded that this conversation would scar the young master's heart. She was well aware of his timid self. Even if he was now acting strong, one couldn't just up and change himself completely in a single week.

What if he was just acting tough? What if this conversation scared him too much? What if he broke down from this?

Such fears were now revolving around her head.

She steeled her heart and put on her stoic expression, deciding to interrupt this conversation right then and there. She had already wasted a few precious minutes due to the shock it gave her.

She was about to knock when Alex's words came to her ears.

"I see. So you knew about Big sis Olivia doing all those… things to me."

His voice seemed neutral, but she wasn't sure what was going on in his mind.

Hearing his words that sounded almost like accusations to her, made her heart wrench. Even if those words were directed towards Emma, she felt as if those words were also said to her.

"I-I'm sorry… I wanted to help. But you didn't ask for it."

She heard Emma apologizing to him, but then making a lousy excuse. She frowned at the words. She could tell it was nothing but a pitiful excuse and judging by Emma's voice, she could tell she thought the same.

And Alex didn't buy her words either. Since his next words were spoken soon.

"I didn't ask for help because I didn't even know you were hiding there and looking at us."

Laura felt guilty. Very guilty. She was the same. She also saw it, but instead of helping the young master, she tried to cover this news, fearing the image of her best friend Olivia going down the gutter. She didn't think of her young master's well-being or gave it less preference over her friend's well-being.

She had made a mistake, the biggest mistake of her life, perhaps. A mistake that was born from her own selfishness.

And now she was finally made to face that mistake. No, that sin. She hadn't just made a mistake, she had sinned!

And she was now drowning in guilt and self-blame, with no hope for redemption.

'Ah… what have I done? To the poor young master. I was such a hypocrite to feel pity for him when I was fully aware of why he was so. He was suffering and I cast a blanket over it, pretending it wasn't of importance. I'm a sinner! A disgusting sinner! I must be punished!'

Meanwhile, Alex continued his words.

"Furthermore, I love Big sis Olivia. Not in the way she loves me, romantically, but as an elder sister. She's suffering herself as you know already. And I didn't want to shout and create a scene, or worse, cause her reputation to pummel. Do you know what'll happen if people got to know that the eldest daughter of house Maximus, a married woman, was sucking her underage little brother's dick?"

She clenched her fists as she remembered that scene. It was once again vivid in her mind. Olivia, under her pent-up lust, had done quite a few wrong things to Alex. She had seen those things. But she never stopped her or intervened. How abhorrent herself was to not do so.

She came out of her cycle of self-blame once Alex spoke more words.

"Sigh. Well, just know that it would have been bad. It WILL be bad if it were to be found out. And also… I was scared back then. I didn't know who to talk to. I thought no one would believe me. Mother would be distressed hearing it, but even she won't be able to think of Big sis Olivia to be that kind of person. And if she did find out… I think you can imagine the consequences. Mother, being the worrywart and over-protective woman that she is, will be devastated. Her relationship with Big sis Olivia would go down the drain and there are going to be unfixable cracks in the family.

I, for one, don't want that. So, even if I have gained my 'voice' and 'confidence' a bit, I don't plan on ratting her out ever. And I suggest the same to you."

Laura contemplated his words. They seemed sensible to her.

"…what about you? Are you okay with it?"

Emma's next words were not very audible, but she did manage to hear the last part. She asked about Alex's state of mind. What HE thought of 'it'.

And Alex's reply was a surprise again to Laura. Instead of being scared, he was strong.

"Well, it would be weird if I said I don't mind it at all. What happened to me was… not good. But I'll talk about it with the respective party(Olivia) and sort out this mess…

…Until then, I'll just pretend it never happened. That it was just a nightmare."

Laura was in a daze. She had never imagined her young master Alex to be so sensible. He was not only forgiving to Emma but also wise enough to convince Emma to not spread this secret anymore. And Emma too agreed as Laura heard.

After that, Emma and Alex finally reconciled and became closer.

On her hand, she was happy to see the two siblings finally reconcile, but on the other hand, she felt that her own guilt was still not resolved. She had yet to apologize to the young master. Even more than Emma herself.

Unlike Emma who was just a young child, Laura was an adult. Emma couldn't help because of fear, but she didn't help because of selfish reasons.

How could she now go in front of her young master, and dare to beg for an apology? What will Alex do when he heard about the truth? About how he could have been saved but wasn't due to her own self-interest.

No.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't ask for his forgiveness since she didn't deserve forgiveness. Her sins against her young master were simply too grave.

She needed to suffer inside till she died for committing such a heinous crime.

She kept drowning in guilt and shame.

For the first time since she was born, she felt improper and dirty. It was disgusting but true.

…

After a little while, she heard Emma's shouts and her reaching closer to the door.

She immediately fixed herself, fixing her attire, cleaning the tears forming in her eyes and her demeanor.

In seconds, she was back to her prim and proper head maid persona. Even if she didn't feel 'prim' and 'proper' inside.

She saw Emma barging through the gates, her face flushed red.

Laura saw that but didn't have any reactions, as usual. Instead, she greeted.

"Good afternoon, young mistress Emma."

Emma looked at her for a second, in surprise, but then kept going after giving a small "Hmm" as a response.

The usual Laura would have reprimanded Emma to not be rude while someone greets her, but Laura currently was in too a bad state of mind to fix the second young mistress's poor tact.

She watched her go away and then moved to the front of the room.

Taking a polite peek, she found Alex looking straight in her direction.

She felt her heart wrench as her inner storm messed with her, but outside, she was still prim and proper. Her years of training were not for naught.

"Laura."

She heard the young master call her name. This was the first time she had heard him call her directly by name. Usually, he used to call her 'Big sis Laura'. This made her feel even worse, as she felt her reputation in his eyes had gone down to such levels that he wouldn't even use a term of endearment. Truly heart-breaking.

She held back a big sigh of defeat as she politely bowed and greeted him. She still held on to her manners as a maid. Even it felt like a façade now.

"Good afternoon, young master. I was told you and young mistress were meeting. I wanted to come and ask if you two would like some tea or snacks, perhaps. But it seems as if I am too late."

She had already thought of what excuse to give when she was coming to Alex's room. So, she decided to use it.

"Hmm. Well, as you can see, she's gone now. But it was a good conversation. I feel better. Maybe I and Emma have become much closer now."

She saw him smile as he spoke in the same sensible voice. She felt something get stuck in her throat as she failed to speak. Luckily, she managed to do so after clearing her throat a bit.

"Ahem. Yes, I believe Madam would be delighted to hear the news. I am truly grateful to hear this news as well."

She spoke words that seemed appropriate at the moment.

"Yeah…"

After that, there was an ensuing silence as they both looked at each other. One of them just stared neutrally, with a hint of a smile, while the other was expression-less, but there was a very slight bit of shame in her eyes.

"So… is there something else, Laura? You're being unusually quiet."

After a while, Alex finally broke the silence with his question.

Laura came out of her stupor and bowed in apology, but who knew if she was just apologizing for being silent, or more.

"My apologies, young master. I fell deep in thoughts. Excuse me, I'll take my leave now."

With that, she left Alex's room. But she didn't feel any better. Instead, she felt worse and her thoughts continued in a vicious cycle of feeling guilty and blaming herself for her actions in the past.

Her entire day was a mess. She was fine on the outside, did the chores she had to do, and gave necessary orders to the other maids under her. But she was in shambles inside. Something inside her was lost that day. It might have been her pride in herself.

***

A/N: Yikes. It's one thing after another. Laura has been deeply shaken. The "drama" chapters are pretty much over now. I had fun writing it. We'll see how this affects Laura's and Alex's relationship in the future, and a hint of it in the next chapter, which will be the aftermath of this whole mini-event.