2 Graduation

I set my head into my lap letting my arms slowly loose feeling. A tear slid down my cheek, causing me to move one of my arms to wipe it off. I stood up slowly and walked to the bathroom to pour some cold water onto my face. The events of today were inevitable, so I needed to stop crying, and start working on building my confidence. I chuckled to myself at the thought of changing my whole personality in one day for one of the least important events in my life. I moved my arms back, stretching as I let out a yawn. I had not slept last night, scaring myself for the events of today.

Last year had been a disaster, that was something that anyone I knew could confirm The year before had been equally a disaster, although it had started in a different way. No two days had been the same. One day everything would go smoothly, and the next, a teacher would call on me, and I would freeze. My teachers decided amongst themselves that I was on a 'reading strike' never uncovering the real reason for my quiet manner. My friends had simply gotten frustrated with me, and the popular kids had chosen me to be their next pet. I had always lied low, not wanting to bring attention to myself, but that's what I was best at.

Pushing these thoughts away, I turned to look at my dress. It was white, plain, and simple, reflecting my behavior. I never drew attention to myself, and I wanted my dress to do the same. I didn't need any extra attention than what I would already receive for sitting in the front row of the ceremony. I closed my eyes, remembering the practice for this big day. Almost 100 hours we spent, just to perfect a two-hour ceremony.

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I let my hair fall onto my shoulders as I walked down the stairs. My hands instinctively moved to pat it down, ridding me of the sensation of hair on my skin. I gasped audibly as I missed a step.

"Kelsey, was that you?" Mom screamed across the hall. I rolled my eyes, she was so overprotective. Sometimes I wondered how she even let me walk outside of the house without a leash attached to me.

"Yes Mom, I'm fine, just missed a step over there"

I walked into the kitchen and shot my mom a warm smile, thanking her for her endless, sometimes annoying, concern. I grabbed a bowl off of the shelf and took a spoon from the utensil holder on the counter. The milk and cereal were already sitting on the table as if they were waiting for me. I sat down in one of the chairs that circled the round kitchen table

"Hey, mom, what time is my hair appointment?"

My Mom turned around, momentarily stopping her kitchen duties.

"It's at 4 pm" She turned her head around and continued wiping and washes dishes.

I finished my breakfast and placed my bowl in the sink along with my spoon, it clinked as it hit the metal of the sink, causing my mom to turn her head, something she had done ever since she had kids.

"I'm going to Alia's, is that okay?"

Mom smiled as she looked at me, visibly going back in time, reminiscing my childhood.

"Of course love"

I smiled and blew her a kiss as I exited the kitchen and opened the front door.

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I knocked on the door quietly, waiting for Alia to come and answer it. I looked around and breathed the fresh air that surrounded me. This may be my last peaceful moment for a while, who knows how tomorrow will go. I shook the thought away as the door creaked open and Alia appeared in front of me.

"Hey, Kels!" She said enthusiastically "come in"

I walked into her house and grinned, this place felt more like home than where I lived. I felt so safe being with my best friend, someone who I knew I could count on, no matter what.

"So, are you hungry"

I felt my face heat up as it turned a deep shade of red. I looked down and started picking at my fingernails.

"No it's fine" I whispered.

Alia studied me, watching the way I moved my hands and the way I observed the ground as I was speaking. She shook her head and let out a deep sigh

"Kels, you're gonna have to speak up for yourself"

I looked up and smiled, secretly feeling like I had lost the one person who understood me.

We walked up the stairs, leading the way to Alia's bedroom. Sitting on her bed was a magnificent dress that she was going to wear later today.

"It's beautiful," I said, my jaw practically touching the floor

Alia smiled, thanking me for the compliment.

"How are you feeling about graduation?" She asked, genuine concern in her voice.

"Fine" I replied, trying to convince her, and myself, at the same time.

"And I am 7 feet tall" She replied rolling her eyes "Come on Kelsey, talk to me. I know today is a scary day for you, let me be there for you. Let me help you"

"Okay" I answered her, giving in to my best friends request "We can talk"

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I turned my key in the door, unlocking it to let myself in. I tried to hide my fear from my moms, not wanting them to know how scared I really was for tonight. I did not want to let them in on my fears, no matter how loving and caring they could be, there were some things that were mine, some things I simply wanted to keep to myself. I walked into the house, letting the familiar scent enter my nostrils. I saw mama sitting in the living room, and I waved to her, signaling my return home.

"Hey, baby!" She said as soon as she saw me "I missed you"

I walked over to her, forcing myself to fake a smile. "I missed you too"

I looked down at my watch, realizing that I had a hair appointment in roughly an hour. I ascended the steps, entering the comfort of my own bedroom.

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"I'm scared, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Was that not obvious enough when I ran out of practice in tears, drawing everyone's attention onto myself" Tears filled my face as I ranted to Alia.

"Kels, I know. I know you're scared. I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I am so sorry you have to get on stage. But remember baby steps. You just have to take baby steps"

I smiled at the fact that she was quoting my favorite teacher.

"This isn't a baby step though, Alia. This is a huge step. A baby step would be something like answering a question in class. Sitting in front of hundreds of parents while you sing a song is not a baby step"

Alia frowned, seemingly both deep in thought, and hurt by the angry remarks I had made on her suggestions.

"I'm sorry Alia," I said quickly "I didn't mean to upset you"

She looked at me with a sad look in her deep brown eyes

"I know Kels, I'm not upset, I'm worried. I'm worried about you"

I sat on my bed replaying this conversation in my head, over and over again. This deep fear that I had wasn't going to be fixed in one done. This fear wasn't going to just go away and disappear when I had no choice but to do the very things I was afraid of. Life wasn't going to cooperate with the baby steps that I had to complete. Life didn't work like that. My brain wasn't created to fit into the life that I was put into.

"Kelsey, come downstairs!" Mom screamed

I felt my heart rate increase at the mere thought of my mom knowing what was going on inside my head. I stood up, and for each step I took, my heart rate continued to increase. I felt it beating above my eye and in my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Kels, are you ready to get your hair done?"

I almost started crying as I realized that my mom had called me because we had to leave for my hair appointment, not because she had figured out some huge secret that I was hiding. I smiled at her in response and slipped my sneakers on.

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"Mom, please don't leave me alone in the salon" I whined.

"Kels, you're a big girl, you don't need me to walk you in, go" She lectured me.

Fear consumed me as I realized the number of strangers I would have to talk to at the salon. I walked up slowly to the door and pushed it open, letting the bell ring as it was triggered.

"Hi," I said to the receptionist "I'm here for a four o clock appointment"

"What sweetie?" She replied, not understanding what I had mumbled.

I hated repeating myself, all it did was make my anxiety worse. I looked up at the receptionist, and repeated myself, this time attempting to talk louder and more clearly.

She smiled at me and led me to a chair to get my hair washed.

One down, I thought to myself, god only knows how many more to go.

"Hey baby," Mama said as she picked me up from the salon "You look amazing"

I smiled, happy to be back with someone that didn't make my heart rate increase an astronomical amount.

"Thank you" I replied "and thank you for making the appointment"

"Of course baby, I am so excited for tonight. I can't believe you are really graduating from middle school. You've grown so much I remember when you were just a little-"

"Okay Mama" I interrupted "Let's save all the sentimental stuff for later tonight"

I heard her giggle as she turned into our street, I smiled, forgetting for a moment what we had been talking about.

I placed my white dress over my head, looking at myself in the full-length mirror that hung above my door. The dress reached just above my knee, and it complimented my figure. My hair was styled, leaving no frizz to make me look unpresentable at the ceremony. That was something that I could control, and right now, anything that I could control needed to be controlled. I placed a gold necklace over my dress, clasping it behind my neck. I pushed small studs into my ears, completing my outfit. One thing was for sure, I didn't need to worry about looks at my graduation.

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The tires of the car screeched as we came to a stop in the parking lot. Next to me, my gown and cap sat in their plastic coverings. I looked up at the school building which I would be entering for one of the last times. Above the school name sat a small banner

'Congrats class of 2019', it read. It was colored in maroon and white, our school colors. I watched as students in my grade slowly entered the building, confident grins on their faces.

"Okay guys, I guess I'll see you inside"

"Okay baby, good luck, you're gonna do great" Mama replied.

I opened the car door and waved goodbye as I walked towards the school building. I took a deep breath in, not wanting to enter a building full of people. I only had about three close friends in my grade, and if they weren't inside, I would probably have a panic attack. I pulled open the double doors as I let out a deep breath, Alia was standing not far from where I had entered.

I looked at everyone who surrounded me, and immediately lost any confidence I had. Each girl had on the most spectacular dresses, and the most beautiful, eye-popping makeup. I looked down at myself and felt extremely self-conscious. No matter how much effort I put into my appearance, everyone around me always seemed to look better.

"Alia, you look stunning," I said, finally building up the confidence to say something

"Have you even looked in the mirror Kels?" she replied.

I laughed, secretly feeling even worse than I had before. I was good at hiding my feelings. If I wanted people to think I was okay, I could make it look like I was.

I walked with Alia down to a small classroom that I took math in. We were advised to come down here to change into our caps and gowns and get a little privacy from the boys.

"Feeling any better?" Alia asked as we got dressed in a little corner

I shrugged "Not really"

Alia frowned "I'm sorry Kelsey, I really wish I could so something. I hate seeing you so upset"

I pat my friend's shoulder "Thanks Alia, I really appreciate it, I don't know what I would do without you"

"Okay girls! Time to line up" a teacher yelled, waiting for us to get into our positions. I waited for everyone, knowing that I was the last in line, with Alia a few places in front of me. I was alone now, this was it. This was the moment I had been afraid of for months, and it was here, it was happening. Alia looked back from her spot in line and gave me a thumbs up. I smiled at her, letting her know that I appreciated it.

"Kelsey? What are you doing all the way back here" I turned around to see my favorite teacher standing behind me. I laughed at her attempt to ease my nerves.

"You're gonna do amazing Kelsey"

Maybe I was, or maybe I wasn't. I guess I would see very soon

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"Kelsey Kramer"

I stood up, shaking, and looked down at the ground. My name was being called for me to receive my diploma. All eyes were on me, and this wasn't a drill. I glanced towards my family and started to descend the stage. I smiled at my principal and made my way back to my seat. I was so embarrassed, having everyone look at me like that. But, it wasn't a disaster like I had expected. I was uncomfortable, but it wasn't as bad as I had made it out to be. I'm not surprised, that's how it always goes.