Jokes can get you in trouble. Who knew?

Jokes can get you in trouble. Who knew?

Theon POV

My eyes opened after fluttering a bit. I hear a groan from next to me. One of the maids of Winterfell lay in my arms. Seeing the sun rising through the only window in my room, I got up. I left the maid to lay on the bed. After dressing up, I looked at my reflection in the bronze mirror.

Today was when the King arrived, where Starks started their fall. For this cruel world to survive the winter, it needs the Kings of Winter to rule the North. For me to live in this world, the Wall can't fall. Starks will have to make sure that it will not happen.

If people could defeat the White Walkers eight thousand years ago, they can do it now. They didn't have iron swords, and the Wall wasn't built either. So, there was no reason to lose to some ice zombies.

With that put out of my mind, I left my room. Still, the Wall could fall, so the Starks should rule the North to support it. To do that, Robb must win the Five Kings war. Then I can leave and enjoy being a prince of the Iron Islands. A great plan, if I say myself.

Walking down the halls of Winterfell, I see many people, from servants to guards running around. It isn't every day that a King would come to visit. As I pass Bran going outside, I stop in my tracks.

Bran, what should I do with you? If I saved you, you would go to King's Landing. You would face the same fate as your sisters, being a hostage or running for your life. If I don't, Lady Catelyn will do stupid things. Decisions, decisions, there isn't a clear answer to any of it.

Let's think about it. I save Bran, and he goes to the South. Knowing the future, the Lannisters probably capture him and use him as a hostage. But if there is no assassination attempt, Lady Catelyn won't capture Tyrion. Lord Stark leaves King's Landing after an argument with the King. Everything will be fine then, and we will live long and happily.

Like that ever would happen in this world. Littlefinger hates Starks, and he would never let Lord Stark go. He would probably plant evidence of Joffrey being a bastard, and then Lord Stark would tell the King. Lannisters wouldn't let it happen. Knowing Littlefinger, he would help the Lannisters by capturing Lord Stark's children and killing the King.

That is a bit much, even for me. Did I seriously presume the worst that could happen? Well, this is Westeros, where worse than the worst happens. So, my prediction wouldn't be that far away. For now, I need to keep thinking about it.

My body moves instinctively and lets Bran pass me. In the past few weeks, I trained my body like a madman. It was with a reason. Even with memories of this body, it was still weird to move in it. I had to get used to the length of my legs and arms. To the weight of my body and my strength too.

"The King is coming," Before I can think of what to do today, I hear one of the guards shouting.

…

It was just as I remember from the books. The King came, and the King left for the crypts, the Queen was a bitch, etc. The feast was no different, the wine flowed in, and it was gone before long. Oh, the troubles of nobility.

At least I could enjoy some tasty meals and wine. After all, I had to eat well to keep my body in good shape. To have a healthy mind, you need to have a healthy body.

Looking at the King enjoying a meaty ass in his hands, I pity the woman who has to endure it. Even from where I sat, I could smell his sweat and breath. It was a pity that she wouldn't enjoy me tonight.

But damn, the King is loud. His laughter could probably be heard from all around the castle. And his chins that are hiding behind his beard are pretty disgusting. I have nothing against fat people, but how can he be so fat when he probably fucks and drinks most of the time.

The feast ended for me when Arya dirtied Sansa's dress with food. As I walked to Sansa to take her back to her room, I looked at Joffrey. If I could kill him, Tommen would be a king, and maybe it would have prevented a war. Ah, who am I kidding? The war has already started.

"What you staring at?" The damnable prick asked. His face was very much punchable right now.

"Nothing at all, your grace," I reply to Joffrey with a strained smile.

Before the brat could talk anymore, I took Sansa by hand and led her out of the hall. Arya followed with lowered head. Robb took Bran and Rickon back to their rooms.

…

Looking at the children fighting with wooden swords, I couldn't get any more bored than right now. The strikes lacked not only skill but strength too. The more I looked, the more I thought they were hitting each other's swords, not bodies. I was no expert in fighting. Even with memories of this body, I am barely better than Robb, who is five years younger than me.

When the boys finished their play, it was time for little bigger boys to show who had a bigger cock. At least, that is how it looked to me when Joffrey challenged Robb. I knew that Robb was better, but it would do no good for him to beat the Crown Prince.

After Ser Rodrik rebuked both Joffrey and the Hound, the Lannister men started to laugh. Was what Joffrey said about being too old to fight him a joke? If it were, I would never understand the sense of humor in Westeros.

"Come, Tommen, the time for children's play is over," Joffrey ordered his brother, and Lannister men laughed even more.

"Well, I would also like to hide under their mother's skirt if Cersei Lannister was my mother. Wanna have about, Robb?" I asked Robb in a bit too loud of a voice.

"What did you say, squid?" Joffrey turns around, and the men quiet down.

"Nothing at all, your grace," I replied with a stoic face. I probably shouldn't have said the first part aloud.

"If you are going to say something about his grace, say to his face," The Hound told me, fixing his hand on the pommel of his sword.

"It isn't something that children should hear. After all, I am known for my foul mouth," I replied without any concern. "Let's get to it, Robb."

I pick up a tourney sword for myself and Robb, not even looking back at the Hound. Before I could hand a sword to Robb, The Hound picked me up by my shirt and put his face next to mine.

"The Prince asked you what you have said before." The Hound told me, gripping me hard on my shirt.

"Put Theon down, Glegane," Ser Rodrik ordered the Hound.

"I said it isn't something for children to hear, dog," I replied, looking straight at his face.

I knew I shouldn't have said it aloud, but I am Theon Greyjoy now. A dog won't scare me. I was the wrong guy to mess with if Joffrey thinks of doing as he pleases. I am someone who has faced death before, and nobody can make me bend to them.

"What is going on?" The King's loud voice rang through the courtyard.

"The squid has insulted me," Joffrey complained.

"Is it true, Theon?" Lord Stark asked me with a calm voice.

"I made a vulgar joke, my lord. I apologize," I answered with lowered head.

"Put the boy down, Glegane," The King ordered. "You boy, stop complaining about jokes like some little lady."

Well, that just happened. I should watch my mouth a little bit from now on. It's a good thing nobody dared to repeat my words to the King, or I would be in trouble.

…

"What were you thinking?" Lord Stark asked me once I entered his solar.

"I wasn't," I answered truthfully.

Lord Stark looks at me with a disapproving look. His cold eyes were piercing at me. After a solid minute of silence, he stands up from his chair and walks toward me, putting his hand on my shoulder. He looked apologetic for a moment.

"You're going to King's Landing with me," He informs me.

Looking at him with surprise on my face, I try to comprehend what I just heard. If I were to go, everything would change. I could not influence Robb, and the worse thing was that I would be in King's Landing. That place isn't famous for friendly people and beautiful scenery.

"What?" I asked, still stunned about it.

"You will like it. It will be good for you," Lord Stark responded with a soft smile.

Good for me? Are you trying to kill me, you fucking dunce? King's Landing is the most dangerous place in this world, and it will be good for me? Is it a joke? Would you please tell me this is a joke?

"It would be my honor," I responded, as I had no reason to deny him.

…

Everything changes. Bran must not be disabled. Now that I think about it, what kind of life would that be for him. Yes, he will go to King's Landing, where nothing will happen, and Lady Catelyn won't cause any problems. After an argument with the King, I won't have to fight any Lannister, and Lord Stark will bring us back to Winterfell. Yes, Bran doesn't deserve his cruel life, not at all. He is such a lovely boy who will become a knight after growing up.

Why do I keep referring to Ned and Catelyn as Lord and Lady, even in my head? That is quite weird. Well, it doesn't matter. I need to think of how to save Bran.

Think, we were going for a hunt. I can't refuse it. It wouldn't be polite. So I need somehow distract Bran for the time we are hunting. Think, what could I offer him that would keep him busy? Wait a moment, why not just take him for hunting too? He's seven, and he can ride a pony. Yes, let's do that. I will ask Lord Stark to take Bran with me. If it doesn't work, I promise Bran some lessons in archery if he listens to me.

With a plan set, I lay on my bed. I am so tired and thought the day went pretty fast. It is quite a mess I got myself into.