2 meaningless actions

Then I woke up feeling guilty for the fact that I need someone in my life to give me comfort, something that I can't procure by my own to hands, love and affection is something you get from your special other... if you have one.

I spent my entire meaningless day thinking about her, about her eyes, smell, smile, hair, about her everything, she was my main principle but I didn't message her first because I didn't want to seem too strong, who am I kidding I just wanted attention from someone being the opposite sex, I was waiting with my eyes wide open while sitting on the bed going thru her profile, photos, status, info, just to see what I can learn for out next encounter.

After nearly an entire day I was ready to give up, I took a nap and woke up two hours later with a notification, with a messenger notification, it was from a girl, strange... I don't get messages from girls, it was from... her, I was surprised, my eyes were wide open, I slapped my face twice just to be sure I wasn't dreaming, I went to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face... it was real.

She wanted to know what's up... that's it? I'm waiting all day for something like "I'd like to see you again" and you begin with "what's up?", am I asking too much? am I being to critical here? I want to see her, I hate messaging, but why do I have to be the first to always ask the other person out, no, I'm not that person, I'm not someone you go to when you're bored, I'm not someone you talk to because the other ones don't give you attention, I'm not okay if you see my message and don't reply for hours because you have something better to do, if you expect me to respect you, first you should respect yourself, you think just because you walk down the street at night you get to be special? no.

But in the end maybe I'm just dreaming all of this, in the end maybe I'm just overthinking, maybe this is all a hazed nightmare, I hear a notification sound, I wake up for real this time, nobody special and I continue my daily routine like nothing every happened the same day at 2 a.m. because in the end, isn't this all just an illusion? are we really living, do we call this - living - ?

I just got tired of all this cliche stuff, you have to call her first, you have to ask her out first, she doesn't ever do that because she's a girl and you're a boy... I want something different, I want some sort of equality, or at least someone that gets me, I understand if you laugh at my jokes, I'm funny, but that doesn't get me close to you. Yeah we kissed once, but does it change the way we see things when we're together, we kissed but I didn't feel anything, just two pieces of meat that danced in an enclosure called mouth with some liquid called saliva... simple biology.

Maybe I'm just tired of all these fake relationships, all these fake people, they use you for interest and when you're at your lowest they throw you to the garbage.

The truth is after a while if you give up on them they'll never try to work solo, they always need a little push in social communication, we are all fu**ed.

In the end she never messaged me again, it was all a loose end, all my hopes and dreams destroyed... I just don't even care anymore...