Life is Fair

"It's so cold up here…"

[Life is fair.]

What if I told you that? What if what you usually hear is actually the opposite of what it seems?

You'd deny me, of course. I know.

You'd tell me that I don't know what I'm saying, that I see nothing. You'd call me immature, that I know nothing of this world. You'd say that I only have gardens and flowers for a mind.

… That I haven't felt the harshness of this world.

But I'm sorry. I know what I'm talking about. Life is fair, it all gives life to everyone. If a person is alive, he or she is already granted with a right to fulfil one's purpose – to live.

That, in itself, is I think being fair. Everyone is given a chance. Everyone is equal to acquire that opportunity. Everyone is given the right to have a start.

I know. That 'start' is not always the same with others. They've started high, some started low. You can tell me that there are people out there who lived much differently from others – that other people had different levels of 'beginning.'

People who are born in a rich family, people who are granted with a happy environment, people who are born in a poor family, children without a figure to call a parent, and adults who had no any other choices in life. I can state a lot more, but there's no way I would be done within a day.

But, you see? That is not life. That is not life being unfair. That is not it.

That is 'your' life being unfair. It's your own. Don't drag other people just because you saw that youth ate a burger from a chain restaurant. Don't blame that child for having a loving mother. Don't curse that man just because he's working diligently in his job.

"I've heard enough." I muttered.

These… Those are the words that I've heard. Heard enough. Enough to make my ear bleed. Enough to make my head ache. Enough to make me shiver.

… Enough to make me hate this world even more.

From my mother.

From my father.

From the news.

From my friends.

From my teachers.

From my classmates.

From my workmates.

From my superiors.

From this life.

… That I don't have the reason to curse. Because I don't have the right to. I'm not in the position to complain because there are others who are having it much worse than me.

That I don't have a reason to feel sad.

"Ugh… It's certainly high up here."

Is it the sound of cars below? Or is it the sound of my heart beating? Is it the sound of the cold winter wind? Or is it the sound of my blood rushing? Is it the light from the stars and the moon? Or is it the light from the buildings and street lamps?

… Really. I don't care anymore. I don't care anymore about my beating heart. I don't care about the air I breathe. I don't care about my hurting ankles from the stilettos that I'm wearing.

They say life is unfair.

I agree. But the words of the people around me have a point. That's why, you know what's more unfair?

Death.

Death is what's unfair.

Life gives us the opportunity, the chance to live. It brings us our first breath from love's result. And ultimately, it brings us to an equal end.

But death is unfair. It gives an end to anyone it chooses. No one knows who's next. There are people who still wants to live. People who wanted to beat their disease and live a more fulfilling life. People who wanted to go back to their families and see their smile once more. People whose heart that wanted to beat for the person they love.

But… Above all those, and what I actually hate the most.

… Is that it doesn't come to those who are wishing for it.

"This fall is sure kill… for sure." I take a short glance over the ground below and followed a grunt.

The wind blew shortly after, making my uncut-for-years hair flutter around in the air. It seemed to dance along the beat of my heart, releasing a final performance. A last encore.

A wave of goodbye.

Using my fingers, I slightly comb it back to fix it behind my ear. My vision cleared, as if that final, fluttering, ephemeral moment ended beautifully.

I slowly opened my eyes, and there I saw the cars, people, and houses. Above that is the horizon, separating the starry night sky from above and the luminescence of dancing lights from below with the shadow of the mountain range. It makes a perfect harmony that may make a great painting to hang on a museum wall. I would visit it again and again just to see this scenery.

"No one has noticed me yet." I muttered. White ghastly fog slipped out my dry lips.

Well, it's high up here. No wonder. They won't see anyone up here when the ground is filled with lights and brightness. It's dark up here. It's like how you can't see anyone from the audience when you're up on the stage.

I feel sorry for the kids down there, but I don't have any more feelings to spare for them. I no longer care about anything. I just hope their mothers will cover their eyes in time when I reach the ground.

I was reminded of a case in the news two weeks ago. There was a suicide. The police kept shooing the people away from the scene, but I doubt that does it. Their warnings just draw their attentions, if anything.

Pool of blood.

Limbs bent the opposite way.

Red dyed shirt.

People's facial expressions – anxiety, amusement, wonder, disgust, concern.

I inhaled a deep breath.

The wintry air chilled my lungs and has then spread around my body. Then I exhaled.

I don't feel calm. I feel nervous, scared, terrified, confused, despaired, distressed, all sorts of thoughts swirl inside my head like a whirlpool draining everything out into one single thought…

[I want to die.]

A click was heard behind me. A metallic click. It was a blunt click that no one would think that it knows what is currently happening. The door behind me opened. It's the door that leads to the stairs down below.

"Oh, a jumper." A man's voice rang around the rooftop, seemingly unconcerned.

I can't be bother to look around, I just stand here, facing death below. It's quite ironic, if I think about it carefully. It's so bright down there, full of emotions, laughter, joy, excitement, and yet here I am… Looking at the scene like a reaper coming at me with its scythe sharpened.

"What in the world made you think that it's okay for you to sit there?" I begrudgingly told him off as he sat at the edge of the building, right beside me, who is standing and is about to jump off.

"Chill, it's not like I'll fall off right?" He snickered, wearing a bright grin.

I'm not even concerned about that.

I hate this kind of people. People who can't read the atmosphere. It's clear that I'm committing a suicide here. He even said so himself. That I'm someone who will jump off the roof of a building. I'm a person who wants to die. A person who will die soon. A person who will be nothing but a corpse.

Just like the man in the news.

Then what in the world is he thinking, sitting beside me here?

"If you're trying to stop me, then let me tell you, you can't." I curtly said so. I don't have the courtesy left to spare.

Well, he looks like someone my age anyways.

I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know for what purpose he sat here in an isolated rooftop where the winter cold makes it harder for people to enjoy the night. There's no way he came here just to relax.

"I know. I mean, you won't be here if you haven't made up your mind, right? I can see it in your eyes… The eyes of someone looking far beyond. The eyes looking at nothing but void. To put simply, like the eyes of a dead fish, I guess?" He said so while staring off at the distance and finished his sentence with a slight chuckle.

Ah, no. That's not it. He's looking at the mountain range, which is visible right now because of how bright the moon and the stars are at the moment. There are no clouds, only the sky, baring it's everything at us.

Still, he isn't stopping me? Why?

Ah, it's not like that. It's not like I want him to stop me. Just like he said, I've already made up my mind. I will absolutely jump off of here and kill myself. I will end this miserable life.

But…

"I won't stop you. Because I know how it feels." A lonely gaze then was the only emotion left from his eyes that seemed so bright earlier.

"You… know how it feels?" I couldn't help but be caught by his words, so I asked.

He knows how it feels? He understands? Is he also someone who wanted to die? Or maybe, he wants to die even now? I see. That may be the case.

But… What do you call this… It kind of feels good to know that there's someone out there who understands. Even one person can make me feel this way. Ahaha… It's certainly weird.

Well, I still want to die, though.

"Say." He shifted his gaze from the horizon to me.

I didn't want to respond. I didn't want to stare at his eyes. I didn't want to look at his face. Since he is filled and is brimming with brightness…

… I feel like if I do look, I'll lose my resolve to finish this.

"Hm?" But instead of ignoring him, I strangely let out a small respond.

I'm so weak.

"Are you a virgin?" He calmly… asked… Huh?

Did I hear that right?

"I-I'm sorry, but I feel like I misheard what you said. Care to repeat that again?" So I checked. It must have been the wind. I can't be sure that that's what I really heard. I must've misheard his words.

"I said, are you a virgin?"

I didn't mishear it!!

"Wh-What the hell are you asking in this situation?! I'm about to die here and all you had to ask is whether I'm a virgin or not?!" I feel my face heat up.

It's as if the blood from all over my body rushed towards my cheeks. I hurriedly covered my chest and creeped away from him. I bet I'm blushing hard right now…

"Well… I guess, that answers it." He said so and end it with a snorting snicker.

Ugh~~~~! It's so embarrassing I want to die!!

Wait, I'm actually trying to kill myself. I'll just jump already!!

"First of all, why are you suddenly asking that?? Read the atmosphere, darn it!" Really… Why the heck am I getting heated up just because of this stranger…?

"Then let me have your virginity before you die." He flashed his what seems to be brightest smile I've ever seen since talking with him.

"… Are you stupid?" He is, isn't he?

"You're going to die anyways, right? Why bother keeping it?" He tilted his head to his right, seemingly finding my response strange.

You're the one who's strange!

That confirms it. This guy's got a few loose screws.

Actually, I've already dated a guy before. We even kissed then. But it didn't go as much to that point, we broke up before something happened. So even though I'm already at this age, yes, I'm still a maiden. I couldn't bother anymore, after all.

I mean, what for? From what I've heard, it only hurts. I know that it'll feel good later on, but…

My right hand unconsciously went to hold my left arm, rubbing it as I try to calm myself down. My throat is parched, but my mouth gulped what still remains inside.

"If you don't want to, then I'll just snatch your body when you reach the ground and do you then. I don't mind giving my virginity to a dead person as long as she's cute." Saying so, while narrowing his eyes and wearing a grin.

"Gross. You're really gross, you know that?" I got tired standing so I sat down.

Hugging my closed legs, I buried my face to hide my flushed cheeks. That just caught me off guard, I'm not that bothered by it, even the least. Really.

"Thanks for the compliment! Hehe." He rubbed his cheeks with his finger while blushing.

"That's not a compliment." I heaved so, accompanied with a deep sigh.

I feel like I'm already being drained of my non-existent energy every time this guy speaks. I lost my will to die again. Really… What in the world am I doing?

Well, I still have tomorrow.

"Let's do it right away. I want to get my death over with tomorrow. So? Where are you taking my virginity? Take me there already" I gave up. There's nothing for me to do anyways. And it's not a bad thing to experience it before I die.

It'll also leave a good taste in my mouth to at least make someone happy as a farewell gift for me.

"YES!!" Why is he fist pumping like he won the lotto?!

He stood up from his sit and reached out his hand to me. I gingerly took it. It's big and rough, I certainly feel the difference between a man's hands from a woman's.

We step down the stairs silently, exchanging nothing but soft breathes.

He brought me down the building.

Everything seems so bright. The illumination from the houses, from the buildings, from the street lights, from the cars, from the Christmas trees and decors, from the people's smiles. I can't help but force my eyes shut as we walk along the streets.

I'm holding his hand right now so I don't have a problem with walking.

Aah… What am I doing holding hands with a stranger…?

"Ah, right. I haven't gone to a date before. Let's go for a quick date first." He said so while turning around to face me.

He then asked me if I had gone to one. I thought of showing off and told him about how I dated a guy before. How we kissed and how we went to dates. But in contrast to what I expected, his eyes sparkled from what I said like he just saw something amazing.

Well, I couldn't care any less about that, because…

"Then lead the date!" He asked me to lead the date while wearing a childish smile.

Where's the pattern where the guy leads the girl during a date…?

Oh well, whatever. I'll get this over with and die.

And so, I spent the night with him.

It's not that late so there's no problem of worrying about stores closing. Because of this, I was forced to look ahead of me, which is something I'm not used to.

Usually, I hang my head down to avoid other people's eyes. I can't look at them, I don't want to look at them. Their bright and hopeful eyes and smiles are too blinding for me.

But this time, I was forced to face that blinding light. All because of this guy.

The cashier from the clothes store I frequent to had a mole under her eyes. It makes her look mature whenever she smiles.

The water from the family restaurant I go to whenever I'm too lazy to cook is wearing a brace. It suits him, to be fair.

The store manager that sells croquettes laughed heartily when we bought a couple of them for us to eat. I always felt that his laugh was only meant to belittle me. I hated it.

There was a person in front of a bakery wearing a Santa costume and is promoting their cakes. Right, it's almost Christmas, huh?

This guy bought a box and told me we'll eat it after doing the deed.

… Uhm.

We're really doing it, huh?

I already agreed. But who cares, right? I can just refuse, right? I can still refuse, right?

… H-Huh?

Why am I trying to refuse…? I mean, why would I care about something like virginity or sex? I'll die tomorrow anyways. This body will cease its function. This body will be burned, or buried, or whatever will happen after I died.

What's the point of turning down his request…?

I'm… being weird.

… Stop. I shouldn't think about it anymore. I usually don't care about anything. There's no way that I will after coming this far. I'll die tomorrow and that's what I've decided.

"Let's go to my place." He said so gently.

His grip grew tighter. Sensing that, I got even more nervous. I feel like my heart would burst out of my mouth. I'm pretty sure I'm red as a tomato right now.

After a few minutes of silent walking, we arrived in an isolated apartment. It's a few blocks from my company building where I was trying to jump.

Honestly, it looks shabby.

He opened the door by turning the knob and pushed it with the slightest of strength. Why is he not locking his door? And now that I think about it, did I take a bath before trying to die? Did I shave? What should I do if he told me I smell or something…?

Without waiting for me to put together my thoughts… He pulled me along the small room. Upon reaching the side of the bed, he grabbed my shoulder and placed his lips on mine…

We kissed.

I was a bit startled but it's not like it's my first kiss, anyways. I'm cool, me. I'm cool….

I let him do as he pleases. From here on out, I'll let him have his way with my lips. I'll let him have his way with my chest. I'll let him have his way down there.

I'll let a stranger have his way with my body.

But…

Strangely enough… I don't feel repulsed.

His kisses are gentle and kind. I feel his warmth through his lips as he tenderly sucked on mine. I tried to breathe with my nose, but it wasn't enough, so I do so whenever our lips part. As a result, indecent sounds filled the room. My breath gets hotter and hotter by the second. My body soon follows after.

Slight moans escapes my lips, as I feel his arms wrap around my waist. He pulled me even more closer, making me feel his body's warmth even more. My heart beats louder and louder, it made me worry about having him hear it.

Not waiting for a moment to pass, he slips his tongue inside. I was surprised by the sudden sensation but it doesn't feel bad, at all. It feels good, if anything.

He reached for my tongue and wrapped his around mine. Drool have started to trickle down my chin but I could no longer care. I return his assaults and kiss him just like the way he does.

"Mmfh… *pant* Y-You're really good at kissing." I really think so.

He told me he's a virgin but with his kisses, I started to doubt if it really is indeed the case.

"That's just the culminated knowledge I earned from being single for a long time and having a PC for a girlfriend… Mmnf…" Without waiting for another response from me, once again, he placed his lips on mine. But it was only a soft peck. He followed that kiss with another kiss on my neck, down to my collar bone, and down to my chest.

Wait, why is my top already taken off??

He pushed me down the bed and rained my body with kisses. Some felt ticklish, some felt really good, and they sent shivers down my spine.

… We're really going to do it… S-Sex… I'll be having sex with a stranger…

"W-Wait… Nn… Let me hear your name…" I asked between gasps.

I can barely think. My thought process have started to dull from the sudden surges of sensations. I feel like melting, yet I feel like dying to feel what's next.

"Lucas. I'm Lucas." And he answered while kissing my neck. I heard his response near my ear, and that alone brought shivers all over my body.

Noticing my squirming, he began nibbling on my ears.

"Hnh!" I could help but let a moan out.

But I'm so turned on right now, I don't care about being embarrassed or whatever. I just let him have his way in me.

He kissed me one more time and faced me with a smile.

"I'll be gentle." He whispered.

Those words and his warm smile alone, and I felt instantly calm. My lips curled up into a sloven smile before I knew it.

I felt his tip against my part and…

… I don't remember anything after a few minutes after that. I'm not saying that because it was painful or something. It's just… The moment I came to my senses, we were already done.

I-It felt good… My mind was almost blown away. Or rather, my consciousness was.

I'm still panting heavily as I try to catch my breath. Above me is Lucas who is also doing the same, still connected. We continued to stare at each other for a few more minutes before him plopping down the bed with a thud.

"How is it?" He asked.

I just turned the opposite way while covering my face with my hands. I can't say I felt really good when it's only my first time! Am I a pervert or something? Am I that lewd?? Was I actually this frustrated before??

To be frank, I used to pleasure myself from time to time because of stress. I even bought an egg rotor to help me with it. But that doesn't mean that I'll feel good during the first time! I mean, look! There's bloodstains on the sheet as a proof!

Ah, eeeek!! I really did it with him!!

What's the point of returning to my senses now, me?!?!

Suddenly then, I felt a warm sensation covering my back. Along with that, his arms are now wrapped around my waist. He's hugging me from behind.

"It felt good, didn't it? Ehe…~" He said so with a teasing tone.

I want to punch this guy.

"Rather, why are you so good at it? Didn't you tell me that you're a virgin?" Making a maiden feel good with her first time is something I haven't heard of, to be honest.

H-He's got techniques…

"I told you, it's my years of culmina-" But before he finished his sentence, I interrupted him with a 'Sure, sure.'

I already know what he's about to say, anyways.

"Well… At any rate, tomorrow for real, you'll be jumping off that building, right?" He asked while placing his arm under my head. I feel his heat directly from his skin, I'm clearly stuck to him right now. I should've been annoyed by that, but strangely enough, I feel safe when he did so.

"… Yeah. It doesn't change the fact that I want to die. Don't you dare think that you're little guy down there made me change my mind!" Of course it won't. It's been years since I've been thinking of suicide. All my life, it's what my everything leads to.

"I-It's that small…?!" And that's what he was concerned about…? This guy…

Well… To be honest, it was big. Even more compared to what I've imagined it would be.

Haah… Why am I thinking about this unnecessary things?

I wanted to die. That's for sure. And it won't be changed by something like this. More like, I feel more refreshed than ever and made me reconfirm my decision even more. With this, I no longer have anything that I may come to regret in the after world, if there is.

You see, I longed for things like this. Someone embracing me tightly, feeling each other's warmth, and even though there was no love, I felt like was cherished all through out. He was gentle all the way to the end. Like he was handling a very fine piece of art.

He treated someone like me like a piece of art.

A broken soul like me. A broken heart like me. A broken mind like me. A soul that wanted to die. A heart that wanted to die. A mind that wanted to die.

He treated me like a precious sculpture. A fragile glass sculpture, he handled me with gentle care.

… I'm so weak.

Feeling happy by such things.

And now, I'm satisfied. I can leave this world without any lingering feelings. I can now die peacefully.

"Well then, I'll just enjoy the rest of your time with me." Turning my body around, he said so with a kind smile plastered on his face.

"Huh? Wai- Mmnf??"

He didn't let me voice out my concern and shut my lips with his.

And so, went for another, and another, and another, until we fell asleep from exhaustion. What is with this guy's vigor…?

…

"… Morning…?"

I forced my heavy eyelids open, only to be assaulted by bright sunlight, passing through the gap of the curtains. I rubbed them to clear my vision and stretched my aching body to wake my mind up. It was then followed by a stifled yawn. I then placed my hand over my belly.

Right… I just had sex with Lucas… He was right here then, I still feel the sensation of being stuffed… with… his…

Thinking so, blood rushed to my head, early in the morning. But when I was about to look at him, who should be beside me, I found no one.

Did he go out?

I look around the room and found no one. Or to be exact, nothing.

This room is too empty for someone to live in. There's no closet, no kitchen tools, no table, no chairs, nothing at all. The only thing here is the bed.

I failed to look around yesterday night since we left the lights off. Also, it was too sudden for me to observe the room, after all.

I was once again reminded of the happenings yesterday night.

~~~!!

*sigh*

Whatever… I'll just go now. I don't want to see that guy's face anymore, anyway. I better go now and forget about everything and move on. It's not like we did it out of love or anything.

It's nothing special, at all.

I put on my clothes and right after I did so, the door opened. I was expecting that guy's irritating face but that expectation was immediately betrayed. It was a middle aged woman, looking at me worriedly.

"Uhm… Are you perhaps someone related to the person who used this room?" She gingerly asked so.

I bet she's surprised that an unknown woman is brought to a room that is occupied by a man. From that, I can guess that this person must be the landlord.

"Ah, I'm…" I stopped mid-sentence.

We're certainly not lovers, and we're not friends. Maybe an acquaintance is a better approach here?

"You must be devastated…" Seemingly like she noticed my hesitation, she went with another word.

Wait… Devastated?

"Huh? Uhm… Were you not informed?" The landlady placed her hands over her mouth, as if to show that she made a terrible slip up. She's wearing a complicated face, a sorry expression.

"Wh-What do you mean…?" I'm starting to feel that something is off…

And that feeling was instantly realized.

"… The person who lived here committed suicide three days ago." She was hesitant at first but she spoke nonetheless.

Wait, huh? What does she mean? I was just with Lucas yesterday. We even had sex. More importantly… Huh? Suicide?

"… Suicide…?" I feel my feet trembling. I felt my heart wrenching. Sweat have begun pouring down my back and have filled my clutched palms.

I can't breathe.

Is it because of the word suicide? Is it because I will do the same later? Is it fear? Is it anxiety? Is it because I felt like I was caught committing the same attempt?

"Yes… He was such a good man. But it looks like that was not all about him. He… He jumped off a building not far from here." The landlady's voice have started to sound distant, like I'm hearing it far inside a tunnel.

… Huh…?

That's…

Then… Who was I with yesterday…? It's faint, but I still feel the tingling pain in my belly. I can still remember the sensation, perfectly. His touches and his kisses. I can remember them all well enough.

I look back at the bed, even the bloodstain is there.

… There's… There's no way that Lucas wasn't there!!

This doesn't make sense, this doesn't make sense, this doesn't make sense, this doesn't make sense, this doesn't make sense, this doesn't make sense, this doesn't make sense, this doesn't make sense, this doesn't make sense, this doesn't make any sense!

Is she telling me Lucas is someone who is already dead?? And on top of that, someone who committed suicide on top of a building??

But… If I think about it carefully… There's no way a person can easily open the door at the rooftop. I stole the key to it just for that purpose. And I made sure to lock it so no one would be able to enter…

Yet… there he was…

No… way…

"U-Uhm… May I ask for his name…?" I forced a voice from my throat, only for it to come out hoarse.

I hold for that small glimmer of hope. That maybe… Maybe it wasn't Lucas. That we just mistook the room and entered someone else's.

Why am I trying to hold on to the small hope…?

… I… I don't know!!

I don't know why!

I just… do…

I patiently wait for her words. It was only a few seconds away, but it felt like an eternity. I wanted to hear it, yet I don't. I don't want to hear it, yet I have to.

I don't know how and why, I feel like there's already something wrong with me since I met him yesterday…

And… Now I'm wishing that the landlady won't say his name…

But life is unfair.

"It was Lucas. Lucas Williams."

… I felt a shatter. A shatter somewhere around in my head. A shatter that broke something within me. It was soft and small, but I certainly felt it.

I felt a striking pain on both of my knees as I fell down to them. I hear the landlady's voice but it sounds so distant. I stared on the floor, then on the door, hoping that it was all a mistake. That he'll suddenly show up from the blinding light of the sunlight. That he'll bring me out of this dark and empty room.

That he'll show me the light again.

But… Life is unfair.

Death is not. I'm made to learn that.

Death is what's not. Death is fair, it hurts.

It gives an end to anyone it chooses.

No one knows who's next. It all comes to everyone equally.

There are people who still wants to live. People who wanted to beat their disease and live a more fulfilling life. People who wanted to go back to their families and see their smiles once more. It comes to people who wishes for it.

However…

It also comes to people who also wishes for it.

...

- End -