I Wonder

I wonder.

What do we live for?

What do we die for?

In this incomprehensible world we are in, I wonder, what is it there that we must act for?

This world hides, it lies. Like the sky at night.

The world shows, lies that are like truths. The darkness that surrounds.

However,

What are those lies? Which are the lies? Which are the truths?

What is it that we must do, to know these truths?

What is it that we must say, to uncover these lies?

I don't know.

There's no way I would know.

Because I am myself. I am not you, them. We are not us. There's no way we would know.

And I didn't know at that time, that a time would how I would come to regret learning those words. That day, after that incident that changed my whole life, for who knows what purpose.

…

Today too, I wake up.

I'll open my eyes and breathe. The stale air would enter my lungs without a care for my body, letting all sorts of foreign objects invade my body.

Breathing it out, I felt the tension in my body leave. It's still the same as yesterday.

"You awake?" A low and cold voice called out.

The voice that came from somewhere inside the dim lit room penetrated my core, as if to crush it. It was remarkably silent, yet reverberating. The room is filled with silence, I could hear a single drop of water if I strained my ears.

But even though the voice was soft, it came as an arrow that crumbled my only fortress. Though it sounded so gentle and kind, its effect is the complete opposite of it.

"…"

I couldn't utter one word. 'Yes, I'm awake.' is all I had to answer, but I didn't dare to do so. Yes, I am now wide awake. Under normal circumstances, I could just say, 'Yup' or even at least, nod, to let them know I am. But, the situation didn't call for a response. For me, not, at least.

I tried moving my hand but to no avail. I felt the same object digging through my skin and felt a sharp pain around my wrist. The pain caused my body to jerk, as if waking up. But no matter what I feel, no matter what I do, no matter how much I imagine things, my situation is still the same. Heaving a resigned sigh, I gave up moving them. I doubt I could do anything about it, anyways. It'll just hurt my hands.

Nonetheless, the fear inside me only grew far more atrocious.

"Still no answer, huh?" The man furthered, as his inquiry was left unanswered.

It's not like I could not answer. I just don't want to. If I did so, I feel like it will be my loss. And that would mean, I'd just succumb to this situation of mine.

The fear have subsided. The anxiety, the worry, the fright, terror, horror, and dread, have subsided. I know they did, but they didn't disappear. The moment I woke up, I felt my heartbeat rose to an alarming level. It didn't took me a second to become fully wide awake. It was definitely fear. It still clings to me, like a snake coiling around my neck and head.

'Breakfast?' The figure that appeared from the door, holding a tray, asked in a nonchalant tone. I thought, it sounded jolly at some point. But it was probably me wishing for vain.

I did not want to answer, for the last time, but my body was honest to its desires. My stomach let out a twisting gurgle, embarrassingly loud enough for the person in front of me to hear.

"Hm. That answer's enough." He replied, as if to respond to my grumbling silence.

I heard a slight chuckle while he brought down the tray in front of me. I unconsciously curled up my stomach to suppress my hunger, feeling the blood from my extremities gather in my cheeks. Be this situation as it may, I'm still a teenage girl. I'm mindful about this stuff.

"Can you eat by yourself?" the man asked so, while opening the lid of the bowl.

The fragrance wafted around the room and entered my nostrils, tickling it with a smoky and salty smell. It is bacon and eggs. 'Why did you have to cover it with a lid?' or so I thought of asking, but I swallowed my words, instead.

I just nodded. But I suddenly remembered the condition of my hands, so I'm quite in a pickle.

The light from outside made the stuffy room seem brighter. The enclosed dark blue curtains gave it an accentuated color. Though it's still not as bright as the morning's, from what I can still remember, it's enough to let me know it's already daytime.

"I'll untie you. But don't think you can leave this room." said the man coldly. It was enough to bring back my sense of peril.

I felt the shiver of a lifetime ran along my spine. My heart pumped blood as if it pumped its whole life worth's. Sweat is pouring on my back, cold sweat. I actually never thought there's really a thing called cold sweat before. But now that it's dripping down from my forehead, down to my chin, I'm certain that it is actually cold.

"Why…" For the first time for today, I used my voice and moved my mouth to speak. I thought I also didn't speak all throughout this whole ordeal, but I found my voice so hoarse, it really made the situation critical.

"'…are you doing this?' is what you want to ask?" The man stood up after untying my hands and feet with a 'Hup.' I felt relieved from the removal of the tight sensation in my wrist and ankle, but it didn't change state I am in.

"You're just unlucky." the man said so. Then turning his back to me, he left for the outside.

My mouth could only let out a soft but forced grunt, as I felt the wrenching and agonizing sensation that is slowly constricting my chest. I tried to repress it, but I couldn't.

It's overwhelming. I felt like screaming and crying and wanting bawl my heart out. One heart wasn't enough to express this agony.

I want to run, I want to escape, I want to see my family, him. I want to hear their voices, and I want to be with them.

Anyone.

Anyone will do.

Please.

… Just let me out of this place.

…

But life is not that sweet. It's not sweet at all. It makes bitter gourd make a run out for its money. Not sweet at all. It is plain coffee beans. Without water to tone it down. I'd rather have some cream or milk to make it mellow, but just where could I find that cream?

No…

This is rude to coffee. Coffee tastes great. I would want one any time now.

But no matter how I prayed, how I scream for help, wish, hope, desire, no matter what I feel and think, this situation won't change.

"*sigh*" I couldn't help but heave a huge sigh.

It's been about seven days since I was kidnapped.

I'm not really sure, since I stopped bothering when it was the fifth. I'm not as calm as I could ever be, being in this situation. But the blankness of this tribulation left me with a moment of leniency.

Well? I know I almost made a mess in the carpet of this room the first time I came here and sprayed it everywhere. And I know, I cried like a lost child for five days. But I'm already an adult of eighteen years old. I could even marry at this age without any problems. I can handle this situation with ease!

… But…

It doesn't change the fact that I really am kidnapped, does it?

I just thought so, and it's been so long since I've seen the outside world, so I must not be dreaming. Though, it would be all better if this is just some nightmare I could wake up from. If it is, I hope someone could wake me up already. Please.

To think… a normal day would end up like this.

I was just going to the convenience store to buy me some dinner. It was even dusk when it happened. The light from the setting sun was still bright as a summer's day. It was hot and humid, yet the cold breeze didn't care what the weather felt and brew. It was a refreshing evening.

But all of a sudden, a hand with a handkerchief covered my mouth. In just mere seconds, I fell unconscious. The next thing I knew, I was here.

I tried to yell and call for help. Beating and knocking the door as I plead for help. But no one came. Even that person, didn't came. He's the last person I didn't think that wouldn't come. We may not be dating, but I know we had something between us.

I bet that childhood friend 'slash' should-be-lover-of-mine-if-only-he-weren't-a-chicken of mine is out of his wits now. Serves him right, for not taking care of me… That stupid fool.

Redundant.

"I wonder…"

When will this end? So far, for the past six days, he hasn't done a single thing. He just tied me in this room, on a pole. He even gave me proper meals every day. Not to mention, I was free to do my business in a bathroom, which is just behind one door. I thought I could escape there, but I was naïve.

Excluding the tying, I'm in one piece. I can even say I'm still healthier than ever. I could take a bath, I could brush my teeth, and he even bought me things I needed for hygiene, as a girl of my age. (Of all the days, why is it the day I was on my period?)

"*sigh*"

A sigh escaped my lips.

I'm bored.

I wonder if he has some kind of games in here.

And just when I was thinking about that, the door opened and my kidnapper entered the room. His footsteps was light, the cemented floor didn't even bother to produce a tapping sound.

It's not like he's being cautions. It's just that his body is not that heavy as it is. Or so I think, based from his appearance.

The light from the curtain unveiled his face.

His dark and wooden colored hair covered his forehead, with the back reaching his neck with its length. It's quite proper for a kidnapper, if I take a moment and think about it.

His bright and deep brown eyes, gleamed dark, but it was gentle nonetheless. It made me wonder if he really is the one who kidnapped me.

The bridge of his nose slid fairly like a perfect slope. His lips are not at all pale and is actually quite pinkish, with a shape of that of an actor.

Rather… This person's really good looking. Handsome, in fact. No one would think this person is a kidnapper, the first glance they take. Moreover, they would take a second glance just to have another look of his face.

His body is slender, but with a firm built that even the denim, long sleeved polo shirt he is wearing could not hide it.

Is he really a kidnapper?

"It's been six days, huh?" said the man in front of me, who looks like he's in his early twenties.

"It's actually seven days." I curtly said so.

I glanced at his face from the corner of my eyes, as I fiddle with the rope tied around my wrists.

"Oh, is that so. I wasn't actually counting, you see. I'm just waiting." He responded.

Waiting? What is he waiting for?

He crouched down beside me and untied the rope. Being this close to the man who got me into this mess, brought forth the anger I was bottling up. My hands were untied, they are free. I can do whatever with them. I used that instant and swing my right hand and slapped his face. The point of impact sharply resounded inside the room.

"… Did that satisfy you?" He asked so, while rubbing his now reddened cheek.

"Yes. It did. It verily did." I answered honestly.

Well actually, it wasn't nearly enough. I wanted to hit him using a bat, beat him, and punch his face. Or even kick him in the balls. But thinking what he could do to me in this situation, I tried to hold back my anger.

"I see. That's good then." And so he replied.

What does he mean by 'That's good, then.'? Why would he care about whether I'm satisfied or not??

You kidnapped me out of my will, though I doubt there would be someone out there who would want to be kidnapped willingly.

And now, you're asking me if slapping you satisfied me?? What do you take some for??

"Don't screw with me!! What do you mean by that?! You brought me to somewhere I don't know, tied and locked me up inside a room! And now you ask me if I'm satisfied!? I would dare beat you up if I could!!"

I lost it. The pent up anger, and stress burst out all at once.

"Why are you even doing this?! What did I do wrong to deserve this!? What did I do to you to do this to me?! Why me?! WHY??"

I felt a tear fall and trickle down my cheeks, as I found myself straddled on top of him, gripping his collar as tightly as I can.

I can proudly say that I lived my life splendidly. I love and care for my parents as they do so to me. I helped my juniors in school. I greet my teachers with respect. I return lost wallets.

I love as I am loved.

Then… why is this happening to me?

Why me?

"… Sorry." He answered so in a guilt-filled voice. Even I could catch that.

"…!! What the hell are you trying to say?!?!"

I raised my hand for another slap, but after seeing his pain stricken face through my blurry vision, I could not bring myself to do so.

He kidnapped me. He tied me and locked me up. I could do whatever I want right now. I don't remember how I ended up on top of him, but this is my so longed chance. Looking at the door, it's locked. But if I played my hands right, I could take the key away from him.

I can do that now. I don't know why, and how, but if he's letting me like this, I can do so.

But…

I could not bring myself to do so. The pain in his face hit something inside me. There's something else in his eyes. There's something else in his shut lips. There's something else in his stare.

I'm always told I'm good at judging people. Maybe this is also one of those times. But this time, I hate being sharp. If it would make me feel something in this situation, then I'd rather be dense all my life.

"Want to play some games?" He said so while wearing a wry smile.

I thought I came to understand something about him. But now I'm bewildered by his sudden out of the place question. Wiping my tears away with the hand planned of using to slap him, I stood up and he did so as well.

"But you can't escape." The man nonchalantly said so while placing his hand on top of my head. I immediately slapped it away and ended the farce with a blunt, 'Don't touch me.'

…

I wonder.

I wonder what we live for.

I wonder what we die for.

In this incomprehensible world we are in, I wonder, what is it there that we must act for?

This world hides, it lies. Like the sky at night.

The world shows, lies that are like truths. Like the sky at day.

I wonder.

Why am I playing a video game with my kidnapper?

"Y-You're quite good at this…" The person beside me groaned, wearing a bitter expression while gripping the joystick begrudgingly.

I'm facing the monitor right now, but I can still see and feel his frustration even as I move my fingers along the joystick that is connected to the console.

I'm just playing casually and this guy is just self-destructing. He hasn't won a single challenge against me ever since we started playing this fighting game. The once confident face he was wearing is now turned into that of a frustrated loser.

I'm laughing internally at his incompetency at this. Though I'm a full-fledge cute girl, I was trained at this kind of games because of my childhood friend. Or like, I was forced to join him.

Because of that, I got so good at it.

"You're just weak at this." I tersely retorted. But deep inside, I'm already wearing a smug expression while snorting.

Be that as it may, I'm trying to look around to find some way to escape. In a means, I'm also using the chance to divert his attention from me.

"Are you looking for an escape?" Noticing my glances, he voiced out his thoughts while facing the monitor.

"Of course, I am. I want to get out of here as soon as possible." I answered honestly.

There's no point in hiding my intentions, anyways. He's a kidnapper and I'm the kidnapped. There's only a few things to do here. As I'm getting used to this after a while, I can now act accordingly. It has been a few days since he invited me to play with him.

"But there's no escape, you see. I made sure it stays that way. Until the day that I'm waiting for."

Waiting for… There again. Just what is it that he is waiting for? Is he planning to sell me to some human trafficker or something? Is he waiting for the man to pick me up?

The sheer thought of it brought fear to every fiber of my being.

"S-Say… What are you waiting for?" So I asked. When you are deprived of the answer, there's only two ways to know, after all. One is to wait for that day to come. Second is to ask.

"The day someone will save you."

And with a loud 'You lose!' coming from the monitor, I found myself staring at him. He cheered for joy after winning for the first time, but it was not the time for me to care about that.

Why…

Why is he waiting for me to be saved?

What does his words mean?

Is he lying? Is he telling me the truth?

Should I ask and pry for more?

But…

What good would that do? He's my kidnapper and I'm the kidnapped. Whatever I come to know about him doesn't benefit me even the least.

…

Another day have past and we still play games as usual. I wonder what was it about, but this situation just registered to me as 'Waiting for the day I will be save.' I didn't bother thinking about what he meant by that nor did I try to ask him.

It's just…

I don't know what he's thinking at all.

Be it may when we play, be it may when we eat, be it may when we rest, his demeanor keeps changing, I don't know which is the real him.

Do I want to know? If you ask me if I'm interested I'd answer nine out of ten, yes. I'm curious. What about the one? It's a margin of my hate towards him. But I'm certainly curious.

Specially…

"Say, why did you kidnap me?" Yes. Why did he kidnap me? From what I've seen so far, he's not a bad person. He was kind, in fact. He was considerate of me. The food is delicious. Whenever we talk, I feel calm listening to his stories.

After we began playing, he never once tied me up again.

Well, I'm still locked up in the room though.

"I already told you. If I told you the reason, you'll never want to wait alongside with me." Picking up the can of beer on the table, he said so as if it was the normal thing to say.

I didn't hear any kind of mixed feelings. It was what he really thought. I knew I'm sharp at this things, so I really believe what I hear and feel.

"Why… is that?" We are waiting for me to be saved… But if he told me the reason, I would not want to wait for that day; for the day for me to be saved.

At the very least, I for one want to leave this place as soon as possible. That didn't change for the past few days. I want to see my family again. I want to see that idiot's face. I want to be free again.

There's no way for me to not want to be saved.

"Because you're a good person." Placing down the can of beer with a clang, which seems to be now empty, he looked at me with dazed eyes. Much like the can of beer.

"I didn't want it to get to this. But you see… I'm a coward. I can't do anything. Wait… If I'm a coward then, where did I find the courage to kidnap you, I wonder?" He laughed at the end of his sentence. It was a small chuckle that you wouldn't notice if you weren't looking. But the smile plastered on his lips didn't seem to laugh at all.

Perhaps, because of the alcohol, he's starting to speak a lot.

Should I try to poke onto it?

"Then shouldn't you just let me go then?" I asked without letting out any kind of hidden motives.

"I've come this far. There's no point if I let you go and end up in rails." He leaned on the table with his arms folded, using them as a pillow to bury his face. Does all drunk people do this?

"But didn't you kidnap me knowing that?"

I tried to ask furthermore. I'll push my luck and ride this big wave of alcohol.

"Perhaps… I was hoping for something else. You don't know anything." He raised his head and stared at me blankly.

"That's because you're not telling me anything!" I feel irritated for some reason. He kept dodging the question. I know knowing the reason won't help me in this situation… But…

I can't help but be bothered by it…

Still, he only replied with his same ol' "If you hear the reason…" Blah, blah. What is with this guy, acting like some tragic heroine of a novel? I'm the victim here, for goodness sake!

"Then tell me!" I unconsciously slammed my hands on the table, racking the empty cans. I feel like I'm also drunk just from watching him get drunk.

"Shut up. I'll assault you." He said so while staring at me coldly.

Huh! You think I'll get scared by that, after all? Don't belittle my adaptability!

"Do it if you can! I bet you'll just cower again like you are doing right now!" I almost reached for his collar but instead found him doing it first.

I wonder what came into me that time.

I felt shivers ran along my spine, maybe because of the cold of the night. Even the summer night tells me I'm not supposed to be in my state.

I even feel the floor to be cold; freezing even. The slight touch of it caused wintry on my skin. I even thought that my breath would come out as white fog, whilst. Because of my heat, I certainly thought it would be so.

I could only grip the clothes in front of me.

The rainy season had long past, but I feel like it's still raining. It's cold.

Nonetheless, I feel warm. Like the sunlight of a summer's morning. A gentle breeze of warm air, as if to tell me I'm okay, as if to tell me I'm fine. Every shivers brought chills, but is soon washed away by the heat. A gentle fervor.

The tender moon, bathed me in its warmth.

Until that last breath of raggedness, the pain was gone and only lingering tingle lasted.

I wonder what came into me that time.

And the moment awareness draw my consciousness out, sunlight has already brighten up the room. The curtains were open, so it really felt refreshing to see something from the outside.

"You awake?" Said the person who just entered the room, bringing a tray of what seems like breakfast. Yes, it's my kidnapper, indeed.

"Is that the first thing you say after that?" I couldn't hide my exasperation.

"… I have no excuses." He said so, while I thought I saw his shoulders droop a little. I somehow find it cute.

Another two days have passed and now I'm playing another video game with him today as well. It has become the daily scenario for us to play video games. Though I somehow felt nauseous at times, I didn't bother.

It's almost reaching around two weeks since the first day, but I never saw him leave the house even once. I thought it would be the same today as well. We'll play games, eat, talk then sleep.

But I was naïve.

"I think it's about time." The man said so while fiddling around his joystick. I responded curtly with a 'Hm?' while I give it my all in defeating him. I didn't quite perceive his intentions. I just want to beat him up, is all.

"Say, what do you think of life?" He then followed up a question. I thought for a while. I've once wondered about that. Or rather, I usually find myself thinking about it.

I've grown accustomed to life. Anyone can say that I've only yet lived a short one, and I haven't seen the whole of it. But I feel like I've experience the lot enough already.

I'm satisfied with my life. Yet I'm unfulfilled. I'm not sad, yet I'm not exactly blissful. I feel happy, yet somewhere in my mind, I feel so bored and tired.

Like…

What do we do this for? After all, it all ends the same. I guess, all people go through this phase at some point of their life. Maybe, I was just around that point in my life. And I'll someday get over it.

Study, graduate, work, and find someone I will love for the rest of my life, make a family, and die happy. It all ends the same. We all walk the same thread of life. It all points to a single intersection, with no one knows what is after that intersection.

Drowning in an abyss of uncertainty.

I wonder.

What is life?

"I wonder." I replied.

I didn't mean to sound so dull. But it was the only answer I could come up with at that time.

However, I didn't think that I would come to regret that moment. That fact that I didn't try to take it more seriously.

I wonder, if I did. Will something had changed? Will the result differ? I had no way to know. I could only wonder.

"I see…" He formed a lonely smile.

What is it that you want? What is the truth in your words? What is the lie in your actions? What is it that is behind that smile?

Won't you please tell me?

So I would understand…

Please.

And with a loud crashing sound, the door was slammed into destruction. It opened and what entered were men in full protective suit with guns in their arms. They entered one by one and pointed those guns at the person beside me.

Not a moment to let, he grabbed me from behind and this time, pointed a knife just below my throat. Or like, it was below my collar bone. It's far from being a fatal wound even if done.

"Is this… the day you have been waiting for?" I asked calmly as possible as I can, holding his arm that is gently wrapped around my shoulder. The men in armored suit shouted, but it didn't reach my ear at all. As if they were just some noisy cicadas, my brain forced the information out.

"Hm… I wonder?" He said so, while wearing that same wry smile when he first asked me to play a game with him. I felt so lonely seeing it. I felt like he'll go away. I felt like everything will end.

"… I'm glad it's you I was with until the last day." He loosened his grip as he said so.

"…!" It wasn't tight to begin with, but now I can push him away if wanted to. But those words left me incapable of thinking. Instead, I wanted to hold the hands that are loosening their grip on me.

But even before I could do or say anything, he pushed me away. He looked at me with a smile. The moment was as slow as a recording in a movie, I saw everything within seconds.

"Thank you. With this… Finally."

What? 'Finally', wha-

But even before I could finish the word in my head, deafening gunshots filled the room. It wasn't just one, but two, three, four, five, six, until I could no longer count.

And there then I understood, while I fell onto the ground, followed by him.

It was really what he was waiting for.

The reason. Now I know.

Why I wouldn't want to wait if I knew. Because certainly, I wouldn't. How could I?

What is life? I wonder.

All formed a single picture, the dots connected.

"…" He closed his eyes, as if to sleep. A slumber he has longed for. The one he would not wake up ever again.

He is smiling.

You…

… wanted to die… But are afraid to die…

Just a simple answer, a simple reason.

Don't screw with me…!

Why are men so stupid…?

Why…

…

I wonder.

What do we live for?

What do we die for?

In this incomprehensible world we are in, I wonder, what is it there that we must act for?

This world hides, it lies. Like the sky at night.

The world shows, lies that are like truths. Like the sky at day.

However,

What are those lies? Which are the lies? Which are the truths?

What is it that we must do, to know these truths?

What is it that we must say, to uncover these lies?

I don't know.

There's no way I would know now.

Because…

I could no longer ask him.

…

- End -