11 4.2: A Riddle For Two

It has been almost half an hour since Tobias took the paper from my hands and an hour since the clock hanging above the mantel is stuck on nine-thirty am (the time my parents and Aiden left for my 'funeral').

Time seems to have stopped (quite literally!) as I sit on the couch, opposite to a lost-in-thought Tobias. And I wonder if it has really stopped or if the clock is simply malfunctioning.

Tobias suddenly looks at me and my heart halts for a second. "The ink is smudged around the word 'three'." He says soberly. "Your mom was crying writing this."

I push my head back against the couch and wearily rub my face. "You already said that an hour ago."

"What I'm tryna say is-" He shakes his head. "This-" He lifts the piece of paper. "-isn't something funny. It's something that made your mom cry. Which means that it's something personal. Which means that you have to try to figure it out with me."

I sigh loudly.

Tobias looks back into the paper. "It says a mother for three and a mom for two. What the hell does that mean? The whole riddle is in those two lines."

"Well, the three are, obviously, Aiden, Jacob, and me."

Tobias nods. "Well, that sounds just about right. But then-" Tobias looks away from the paper and leans toward me. "She uses the word 'mom' for two-"

"That's what we call her. We call her 'Mom'." I add, hoping it'll somehow open his mind. "But we all call her that. I mean-" I shake my head. "-sometimes, Jake calls her Mamacita but that's irrelevant. I think."

Tobias looks confused. "Mamacita?" He then shakes his head. "I don't think she meant it literally." Tobias then tilts his head. "In fact, I believe that the term 'mom' is more affectionate than 'mother'."

"A mom for two."

Tobias narrows his eyes before straightening up and grinning. "It's quite simple really. I just think that she was affectionate to two of you and just a mother for one."

My heart falters in my 'spiritual' chest. "You are-" I lock Tobias' wide eyes. "You're right. She always favoured the boys over me."

Tobias nods, pursing his lips. "Are you sure though?" He blinks. "I mean, the rest of the riddle-"

"No, I'm sure-" I get up and stand behind the couch he sat on so I can look at the paper. "She then says she's lost in this game-"

"Of motherhood-" Tobias smiles. "Yes, because she was bad for you."

"Yes, and she wonders who killed me!" I say the last part excitedly, forgetting the riddle's dark theme for a second.

Tobias turns his head to me, so I can see one of my black hairbands pushed up against his hair. "Your mom blames herself for your death."

I look up at the clock and the second hand immediately starts to move.

"We've solved it," I say.

Tobias stands up so he's facing me with the couch in between. "I suppose." He then tilts his head and looks at me like he wants to know more.

I sigh and click my tongue. "My mom was awful to me. Dad too. They -uh- didn't care...about me. They thought I was their black sheep. The dumbest. Stuff like that. I got over it long back."

"You got over it," Tobias repeats. "Then why did you kill yourself?"

"Look, them being awful to me wasn't why I killed myself." He looked in my eyes. "It's just that- it's the idea that they could've been there for me during my weakest...and only my weakest. I wanted nothing more. And yet they failed at that too. It kinda was my breaking point...one of my breaking points."

Tobias' eyes look at me like they're sad. And, "I'm sorry-", is all he says.

I wave my hand dismissively and look away. "I suppose we'll be at my funeral in no time now. We should hold on to each other."

Tobias puts his arm forward and opens his hand. With a small sigh, I put my hand in his. The whole living room twirls around us with the clock in the middle.

And I don't fail to see how its time reverses.

...

Tobias and I stand in the centre of an empty church, on a crimson carpet, hands linked and eyes wide.

The church is small and plain, a nightmare with high walls, old wooden benches, and translucent, coloured windows. My black casket is raised on some platform with red roses and orchids emerging from around it.

It looks repulsive. I hate it. Absolutely mundane. I remove my hand from Tobias'.

Tobias looks down then up at my face. "What's wrong?"

"Why are we here?" I ask, looking behind at the church's wide-open door.

"It's your funeral?"

I want to tell him how this is wrong. How we're unholy and how this is supposedly a sacred place. How we stain this place and how that seems okay.

"When will people start coming?" I ask instead as Tobias approaches my casket. Tobias is so intrigued by what's inside, he doesn't answer me. I walk to him before peering inside, where I lay, looking pretty dead.

"You look beautiful," Tobias whispers wide-eyed and I lift my brows. Tobias glances at me, his head getting caught in a nod-shake fight. "I mean- you're not like any -uh- dead people-person I've seen before."

"Relax. They just put in some effort in applying makeup on a corpse." I deadpan.

Tobias exhales, relieved as his eyes roam around the place. He then absently drums his fingers against my casket and I shake my head, chuckling at how he won't meet my eyes. He looks at me, slightly amused and embarrassed.

"My corpse makes you nervous?" I ask, and despite being all mighty, with a supposedly wise, forty-seven-year-old 'brain', he seems lost looking at me.

"No-" He breathes out with a hesitant smile. "I just hope not to be misunderstood."

"You're not." I smile and frown at the same time. "I mean, we're spirits trapped in a dimension that's made to forget us. I don't think it's possible to be 'misunderstood'."

Tobias nods vigorously. "I agree."

I narrow my eyes at him and smile. "Now let's get the hell outta here."

"How?"

"Look, the doors are open and I honestly don't want to attend a funeral where I know I'll find a fake-sad Sierra, an ashamed Mason, a wistful William, and a non-existent ex-boyfriend. Besides my favourite person won't attend it-" I refer to Jacob. "So what's the point?"

"If that's what you want-" Tobias shrugs, his stare lingering on me.

"Yeah, but let's hold hands throughout because I wouldn't wanna lose you in another dimension," I tell him, opening my hand.

Tobias holds my hand with a lifted brow. "I think we're way past 'forced acquaintance'."

"Keep mentioning it and we'll fall way back to step one."

Tobias shakes his head. "I'd rather not."

And then we walk right out of the church and it's surprising we don't get sucked into the darkness.

It must be around seven in the morning because the sun is bright and high in the pale blue, clear sky. There's barely anyone walking around, so it's quiet. Today is irritably perfect.

I, of course, cannot comment on the weather cause I can't feel it, but based on the people's choice of clothes, it must be warm. And it's not the sticky, awful warm, it's the breezy warm.

How do I know that? Well, my hair has been all over my face, making it tempting to take my headband that Tobias is wearing (he, apparently, stole it from my room and I do find myself wondering if people can see a floating headband or it if has disappeared on him too).

There are lots of massive trees with wide trunks all around the 'could-not-be-plainer' church, with their leafy branches poking the huge blanket we call 'sky'. It is beautiful- hell, the leaves are a vivid, glistening green, full of life, and the huge, thick roots dig into the ground, strong and mighty. Nature here is everything I'm not; thus is essentially annoying.

Everything, everything is perfect and beautiful except for my sorry funeral.

"It's lovely here," Tobias comments proudly.

I pout and walk down the clean pavement, ignoring the indeed exquisite plants that are on my sides.

"You really can't see the beauty in things, huh?" Tobias remarks and I can hear the smile in his voice.

"It's all annoying," I reply bluntly, momentarily shutting Tobias up.

"It's beautiful but you insist on seeing things according to your feelings and thoughts." He counters. "Which are mostly negative, according to a survey I've mentally made." He says and I look up at him.

"A survey?"

"Yep, it's about how many hours you spend scowling, sulking or crying in the few hours we've been together."

I lift my eyebrows. "I'm not that negative. I just love judging things and people. I mean, what's the point of things if we can't judge them?" I ask him and myself.

There's definitely no point. There's no point for the existence of Nutella if I can't say how much I love it, and there's no point for the existence of Milkyway if I can't describe how much I detest it. Things exist for us to love or hate. They exist under the mercy of our preferences. Things don't just 'stop' being made. They just fall out of our favour.

"And I wonder why you killed yourself-" Tobias trails off with a head shake and I roll my eyes.

"Really? I think giving advice in this particular area shouldn't be your thing, you know? Given how we all belong to the same 'society'." I tell him and he smiles.

"I'm not advising you. I'm telling you. You're wired to hate everything around you and somehow making it all about yourself." He retorts with a smirk and I stop in my tracks.

"Well, if you're so holy and mighty, why did you kill yourself, huh?" I ask him with a lifted brow and pursed lips.

"I told you before-" He looks down at me, his eyes distant and memory-full. "I loved my life."

"So what? You killed yourself for some kind of experiment?" I scoff as a young boy runs right through me, laughing. Little does he know that he has some ghost cells on him now.

"I'll tell you when you earn it." He smirks.

"Yes, okay, whatever, let's just sit there," I suggest, pointing at a wooden bench that sits on the side of the pavement, a few meters from the church. I don't want random strangers to go through me. Watching it happen to you is weird and not feeling anything after it is even weirder.

Tobias pulls me toward it and we both sit down (more like bend our knees and hope that our butts are really touching the bench). Tobias crosses his right ankle over his left knee as I stare at my wrists. The wrists I killed.

"You know-" He starts. "I hope we stay here until sunset."

"Sunset?" I repeat in fascination. "I certainly would rather be damned."

Tobias chuckles oddly and I squint at him. "I don't think you've seen lots of beautiful things. You haven't really touched upon beauty."

"You're weird."

Tobias smiles at that. "I simply think I haven't seen enough sunsets and sunrises. They're mysterious things you know. The sun just deciding to go up and down at all the right times, every day, for millennials. Ever thought of that?"

"The sun doesn't move, you know that, right?"

"Well, you get me, you know? How the earth rotates at precise, must-be calculated angles for us to capture those breathtaking moments of sunrises and sunsets." Tobias explains, moving his hands around. "It's a brilliant system!"

I look at him in fascination and can't help but smile. "The way you talk about life makes me wonder why you've done it," I say. "It's crazy that a person like you, with such wonder and appetite for life to do that."

"Well, I wish life was all about sunrises and sunsets."

I glance at him and his expressionless face. "I've never really quite watched a sun rise or set," I confess with a sigh. "I find it very poetic, romantic, and mainly boring."

Tobias tsks. "See, your problem is that you're always seeing things through some standards you've allotted. Biased standards mostly-" He gives me a sidelong glance. "If you think sunsets are boring because poets and books overuse them, then they'll be."

"What's the point of watching the sunrise? The 'magnificent, breath-taking' colours, for example?" I ask incredulously like I can't believe we're having this discussion. "It's ridiculous."

"Well, yes. Partly. Look, it isn't just about the 'sun rising'." Tobias shakes his head and grins at the bird-pee-stained ground. "It's about how the whole world rises with it. How the birds start chirping, how if you really let yourself into it, you'll feel the plants breathe after a beautiful, colourful 'pause'. It's the most refreshing thing ever."

"A nature fanatic, eh?"

"Nah," Tobias says. "You don't get it. Look, you've associated sunsets and sunrises with poetry and failed romances. You haven't looked at it from another perspective. Sunrises are a feeling! They aren't just colours."

I look at him with a smirk. He just seems to be very intrigued and moved by this whole conversation. His hair is wild, his eyes are teary, and his cheeks are flushed against their freckles.

You can clearly see a life lover, not a suicide case.

"I'm sorry," Tobias then says, waving a dismissive hand. "I don't want to scare you."

"You're not scaring me-" I tell him, locking his eyes. "You're just making me so very curious about what let you kill yourself. Because really, you're such a...loss."

Tobias draws his eyebrows like he's taken aback. "Are you complimenting me?"

I blink at him and sigh. "That's really what you care about?" I shake my head. "I mean, you're out here, talking with a person with half a brain instead of changing the world with your stupid life philosophy."

"Well, I couldn't have changed the world if I didn't have the power," Tobias says and I almost think that there's a double meaning.

"Sure, sure," I tell him, watching a mother pull her three kids toward the church.

"Probably one of your aunts." Tobias points out.

"One of the 'just-blood-related' people whom I never met." I correct him as I watch her scold her youngest daughter from pulling on her skirt.

I glance at Tobias who's smiling at them. I shake my head.

"Lemme guess," I start. "You wanted to have kids and just about wish you were alive-"

"I did. I wanted to be a father and I certainly wouldn't hate it if I magically got resurrected."

"There's nothing such as magic-"

"Well, sometimes, to stay sane, we have to believe in some things. Even if it's magic."

"You're something."

"No-" He shakes his head. "Look, it's too early to have this kinda conversation with you when you still can't see how wrong you were to have killed yourself." He shrugs. "I mean, you won't understand my lust for the most ordinary things that living people don't look forward to."

"We have eternity," I tell him bitterly. "It's okay. Share with me your woes that I mightn't, but probably will understand."

Tobias chuckles lightly. "It's so mundane. I miss having coffee, reading a newspaper, I miss-" He looks at me like he's overwhelmed. "I miss the feel of things, you know?" He licks his lips. "The wind against my skin. I miss feeling itchy. I miss pissing. And it's absurd."

I blink at him and end up shrugging. "Well, I do miss feeling stuff on my skin."

"It's one of the most humanistic aspects, you know? Touching-" He whispers the last word. "It's almost divine how the feel of anything can give us so much comfort or displeasure." He shakes his head. "And really, touching is so underrated because it occurs so naturally. No-one really thought of how it would feel without it. The warmth of one's skin or its dryness."

"I mean, I'm glad I can't feel the heat...or the cold anymore. Global warming, you know?" I say with a shrug.

Tobias looks at me disbelievingly and inches toward me. "Glad? Are you? Really? This iciness we feel that replaces a major missing sense is fine by you? It isn't just a sense. It's another dimension of reality."

"Hey," I say lazily. "Easy on me. This is my second or third day here. I haven't thought this through. I don't even know what I'm feeling half of the time." Which is true. I just feel like a bulky thing. Volume and no mass. Just existing, and I'm not sure if the absence of the feel of how heavy my body is sucks.

Tobias blinks at me, then leans away. "Sorry-" He says. "I must've scared you."

"No-" I frown jokingly. "You're just...too intense. Too passionate. And...uh...very not dead."

"I suppose." Tobias pauses, then shakes his head. "This conversation is losing its direction."

"I think not. You've sat me here to tell me how beautiful life is in your eyes," I scoff. "I mean, maybe this 'outing' has been agreed on cause it kinda is like a punishment."

"Yeah, I get it, I bore you-"

"Look, that's beside the point. We literally cannot relate to a thing." I say. "I'm just very dull. I'm not the partner who'll applaud your life 'literature'."

Tobias is nodding at the ground with a small smile before he freezes and his lips frown.

"Who's that?" He starts and I furrow my brows.

"Who's who?"

"That-" He whispers, pointing at a huge tree in front of us.

"I can't see anyone-"

Tobias then gets up, pulling me by my hand. I slowly stand and curiously tilt my head in the direction of the trees before Tobias drags me right across and into the woods.

And without any warning, I whisper, "Sierra?"

She looks toward me.