1 Hey you ...

I look into the mirror yet again not disappointed not completely happy with what I see yet again I've woken up with my makeup on my face from a night of FaceTiming some guy that has been leading me on. But I am lucky for this will not last long others are manipulated much longer than me. His name is Peter. Yes haha so funny I know Peter Pan? It is funny actually I'm pansexual and the first guy I've ever even talked to is named Peter. I've just finished a fashion show, my very first one, who would have ever thought that the girl with the most insecurities who learned how to position her jaw in order so that her double him wouldn't show, would actually become a model... an incredible story really not very rare to hear though. The patriarchy still gets me down sometimes... Either way here I am fully clean room getting ready for my first ever date, he doesn't respond very fast so of course I worry so much to the point I think that I'm actually falling for this man who has shown so many red flags. I tell myself over and over again in the mirror to stop saying men are trash and just get on with it cause if I don't I'll just be told again that I never take chances and I always back out cause I'm too afraid to love. Honest friends are the worst sometimes. As I remember these things in my head I remember my PTSD. I remember that not only three weeks ago did I start to take SSRI's that could potentially make me gain all the weight that I had lost and make me completely insecure again. Am I just going out with this guy to trap someone in order to never have to look again. Growing up I was told if you're not skinny your beauty won't show as much so you'll never get a boyfriend. Jokes on them I barely even like men. As I stand there looking at myself in the mirror wondering if I'm really worth even this manipulative homophobic piece of shit I get a text from him saying he'll be there in an hour. I put on no makeup, he should see what he's working with right? Wear what I would wear to your regular friend get together and call it a day. He got here really fast, I can't believe he rented a car. How rich is this kid Jesus fucking Christ what is this flex, there was absolutely no need he's literally trash. These thoughts leave my brain the second he hugs me though he's a bitch and I know it his smell hits me. I'm so mad, it's so nice. It's exactly what I dreamed my boyfriend would smell like if I ever got a boyfriend. I get in the car and off to this date we go... I'm gonna be optimistic about this, not let my head get in my way. Right?