1 If There Was No Tomorrow

AN:

This fanfiction is not supposed to disrespect Marzia/ Gab in any way. It's only a ship :)

( Felix)

Everything felt like a dream. Out of nowhere, everything suddenly became reality. My dreams were real. They were what I've asked for, right? I thought it was gonna make me the happiest man in the world. Since I hoped that was gonna make me forget him.

It didn't. The pain still was the same. It crawled inside my heart, and I felt like.. I've started to fall away. I felt like my heart became a glass. I've closed myself and I could felt how my heart shattered. The process itself was painful. I lost every part of what felt like something I've granted. I was so sure that I was always gonna be the one chosen.

I didn't knew. I had no idea he hid so many things from me. I had no clue that I suffocated him. I made him feel the need for air. But not in a good meaning, he felt like I stole every bit of his needed oxygen. Our relationship was something what everyone would call perfect. It was far away from that word.

What even were those? Words. That we putted in sentences. That hitted out soul,made us feel the certain way. Every little thing had it's own track. For me every word felt like it didn't had even any meaning. I threw them around,I talked like a crazy.

With empty meaning. No soul, no feeling and no sound. Just silence. It was like a invisible knife that slid into a heart, and got stuck. Nothing else could describe the pain I felt after I lost him. I've wasted my time. I tried to explain. I had so many things in my mind. Sometimes it felt like a little circle.

I came back. And again, another circle. There it was. My medicine. Little drug. I held on it like on my dearest life, on the feeling like I was gonna die without that one suffocating feeling. Love wasn't golden. It was everything put from little gestures. Every thing that was created, that little thoughtful bond. That seemed almost like it was written into the conversation.

Eye contact. For some people nothing to talk, like what even to think or mention about it? For me it was so way more to express through it. I could read the emotions like a book that was open for me. Different people, different stories. But he was the one who had the most expressive eyes. Like there was so much life. The life seemed to come out of his eyes and spread the positivity through the room. It kept the room alive. It kept me alive.

"Si tu te vas"

If you leave. These words meant at the beginning just a part of song. The song I've heard a lot of times in radio, but I never really got the real meaning. I never tried to understand the hidden meaning behind it. I just seemed to like the catchy words of a language that I didn't even spoke. Spanish was one of languages I've wanted to know, but I never really tried to learn this one, and I thought that I didn't needed to. And he was always someone who seemed fascinated.

Fascinated. Funny word, isn't it? This is what I've felt, at least at the start. The fire between us was so alive, like something we ignited through an accident. It all began through a little touch. It didn't even lasted a few more minutes. Still- it managed to make me addicted. It felt like a little shot of happiness for my brain, because back then I felt broken. I said to myself that no one was gonna understand the storm inside my soul. I used to blame myself for the all incidents that happened to me. All the bad things that I ever did or said. It felt like a dark side of me.

I was scared, it was a hurricane of sudden uncontrolled feeling. The warmth of his hand, the touch of his fingers that have touched my hand. Every word that he spoke. It sounded like his voice made me feel the uncertain way. I didn't knew how to call this feeling. I wanted to stop the feeling, but the more I got into it, the more I fell into it. It was like a river.

River. The sound of the water. It might sound dumb. He used to love that short cold feeling on skin, as it runned through his fragile body. He was so tiny, so different from me. He seemed like a complete opposite of me. His dark brown hair fell in such funny way on his forehead that I had to make a picture of that moment when he laughed in that cute way.

He was just like an angel sent through a heaven.

Eyes like a crazy sea wave, deep and lost in something they have seen. The way he appreciated and loved to share the moments and capture them. I always said that it wasn't just a photo.

It stopped the time. For a second. It froze everything what happened and created something what we could look at. Even after all the years, these words have never been forgotten. He used to joke if he could, he would just replay all of things we shared together. I said that sounded like it didn't made any sense,but I repeated myself it didn't meant anything.

Atlantis. One day, suddenly nothing felt like yesterday. The memories faded, slowly became just a part of my own collage on the wall. I stared at the picture and the feelings were gone. Numb. The medicine worked, I didn't really felt anything. It was like it shutted me down for a second. It changed me a lot. Every little snap or sound made me oversensitive. It made me feel like his steps were able to hear again.

How much I would give to see him again? Just this once again? To see the waves hidden in his eyes, his little cute smile that made my day. The embrace of his hug, what made me feel like the world couldn't got to me. Anything that gave me the feeling of being embraced in a safe shelter. But did I knew what was the end of that story? I didn't. I wished I did knew. But I didn't knew a thing. Not a single one.

Sometimes destiny can be a weird thing. We crossed so many people in our life. Some seemed stupid and not worth our time, some got somehow stuck in our memory. He was the one who happened to be the second, and the funny thing was I didn't even happened to want it. At the start it was fresh. It born like a flower and opened inside me when I first locked my sight with him.

Love. It was created by so many little, not really visible things. They all were out of my own sight. He used to say that it was something way beyond my sight, that was reason why it was so hard to recognise. True love was almost like a diamond. It had to be found. And you had to care about it, otherwise it wouldn't be worth any trials. Or any money that you threw in things that didn't gave the feeling back.

Hospitals. I hated them. I knew it was a long way from the beginning, when the life was just a few breaths. Nothing more. I was sure that it was hard to live the true vision of life, and not just to exist. I hated the fact that I wasn't able to express the first feeling when I've arrived on this world. But...I was able to do that when it happened.

And you know what?

I didn't. I had no words. I didn't spoke up. My mouth never opened up, my soul was like putted on mute. His pain was my own, I felt like no words were gonna make his day better. That was something out of control. When I've found out, I was lost. Truly lost. The fate made me feel like I've been lost the whole time. Was I really in love? My body said yes,I was. My mind seemed more complicated,and conflicted with the thought itself. I never asked myself what was gonna happen if I saw him how he fighted for a breath.

This was what I've thought. I thought every breath was granted. I took my health for something obvious, and I thought no disease was gonna beat me. Nothing was gonna make me feel weaker. I was wrong. When I first saw his tears, something broke down inside me. My heart felt empty, there was no place for anything else than pure numbness. It took over my heart when I was needed..the most.

But I've gave up. I didn't even fighted to ignite what once used to exist. It used to make me go insane. It kept me alive for such a long time. It felt like a source of my own life. The reason why I've still got a reason to live. The voice inside my heart told me it ended as suddenly as it started. It was all crushed, the fire died. It felt like I've led to that. Like in a dance, but it wasn't as beautiful as a work of art, which was two people sharing the most important things between them.

Dance floor. For once, one more song. It played so playfully in the background. And there were my parents, they chatted like nothing else could count. Of course everyone was excited. Finally, they convinced me to marry the girl that seemed like a dream. The definition of being perfect, right?

If perfection existed, that wouldn't be her. But I didn't said it out loudly, my mind was a mess. The voice inside my heart tried to stop me from it. I could felt myself trapped. There was no exit from the maze. Not at all. I've could tried to catch myself and save from the fall. But I was dumb enough to lose someone who counted for me. Because I've never was brave enough to say..

I love you. I never said it fully, I never showed it. The pain, going down through my drink. And my brain dealt with such a pressure, yet I knew that the alcohol was gonna stop it only for a while. Maybe I was gonna land somewhere else, but I couldn't quit. I had no words for that what happened inside me. And even though she loved me and gave me the feeling of being the one who was appreciated, I felt like someone who was completely selfish.

I took his happiness. I was like a hunter. He was my prey. I gave him pain in back, I never gave him the real feeling of being embraced but he never left my side. I was like a little parasite, I ate all of his attention. I took every bite of the attention that seemed like something that I've been looking for. All the time I've felt like I wanted more and more of it.

I was like a disease, I destroyed all od him. I took his innocence away, changed it into something dark and left a hole behind me. I took his smile, like it was a thing that I've could steal.

I saw his face. In a crowd, once again. Memories hitted me like a car, and my brain overran me with all these feelings. It didn't changed a thing, it was way too late. I could see the tiredness. The painful process I've forced on him changed the male into someone I've didn't knew anymore. He was like a stranger for me. But my love wasn't just a innocent and gentle one, it was possessive and toxic.

Toxic. It can kill. So easily that it's almost scary. It's only a little bit, after a while it turns into a criminal dose of everything I torn apart and left in pieces. And everyone else would say that our love was pure. Like there was something pure about it.

Curtains were closed for them. No one would see or be a victim of what I've happened to do towards the male. Not at all. In a second, I seemed like a loving boyfriend. Everyone saw the fake part of me. The one who cared and shared kisses with him.

They didn't knew how fast it could burn, they always saw the little part of my life. That I allowed them to see, and I didn't cared if anyone else was able to see something more behind these meaningless gestures. I remembered the thing that I got stuck in my mind. It didn't wanted to get out of my own memory and I used to love or hate that fact, it depended on my mood.

But right now, after a few long years of struggles.. it was over. The game was over for me. I called it a little game, at least used to. Love was a game, and I felt like a winner with that I've had before. But now I realised that I was wrong. I lost, and I wasn't even aware of that I did. And now I was the one who happened to lose the oxygen. I was the one to face the consequences.

I walked over to him, which felt like eternity. The last time I did, he was in tears. Right now he seemed so calm, that it almost scared me, because I was a mess out of my doubts and feelings. They fighted somewhere inside me and I still kept the fact that my face seemed emotionless.

" I didn't expected you to walk over to me. And you are the one, huh?" he spoke out, his tone sounded cold.

" Oh.. I wanted to ask for a favour, for the last time" I said with a insecure look.

" Okay, what is that?" He asked with a little sad hint inside his tone that sounded usually happy.

" A dance." I said.

" Oh, yeah. Sure" he told.

And that was the last one moment. I held his hand and it didn't even meant a thing. He smiled towards me as we danced and the moment seemed to last like a eternity. Even though it was just a few seconds. His little laugh and then he went suddenly serious, as if his confidence was easily gone, with the wind and when I spun the male the feelings came alive. Once again. For a second my brain stopped to be the usual possessive and addictive one. I didn't wanted to steal more of his being, that felt like a glass that could break within every little second that I shared with.

And yet.. I didn't felt like I wanted to take all the happiness away. I already have done a lot of damage and I could totally understand why the male couldn't forgive me what I've done with him. And right now I suddenly stopped my own fear for a second. My mind was quiet. Now my heart wanted to speak and it was pretty loud as I could almost hear it. The heartbeat increased and I knew what it was.

This time I knew. I knew that it was the right word to call it a real love, the one that made me overflow with such a great warmth and joy, but.. I still didn't said these words. Three words that I've never been able to say.

" I love you, Seán" I said.

There was no reaction. Quiet.. And I realised what I've said. I didn't just threw a random word or selection of them at the male. It was way more than that. It was a big confession, but I never really was the best in showing it.

Actually.. If I could turn back time, I would do that. Now I knew how the male felt like, and we both weren't able to stop the time. 4 years. It was way too long to forgive me. Not now.

Not tomorrow.

Never.

I had to deal with guilt for a rest of my life.

I lost for good, and there was nothing I could do. Not anymore.

It was the end. And the beginning of chapter without him, I knew that some part of me didn't wanted that to be over. But it was. This was just too much for him. I have reached my destination and there was no turn around this time.

All I could say was.. I am sorry. But I didn't. I was such a coward, when it needed to spoken, and I never did what was right. Now the choice bit me back and the pain from the bite was gonna last.