A Moral Compass

[Kota's perspective]

I feel like I've sunken down, Like I was back in the water when I fell.

All of this was coming too fast, one day ago I said I'd promise to help Lilith even if it meant killing. I didn't think that promise would come so fast.

I can't get the image of the crumpled up man next to me out of my head.

I crouched right next to it, starting.

Derrick kneeled next to me and patted my shoulder.

"You ok?" He asked softly.

I ignored him, I killed someone. For real.

I couldn't wrap my head around it. Am I a killer?

Am I going to have some sort of bloodlust to murder people?

I never killed anyone before, not I'm my past life. Never wanted to, truly even if I said I would.

As much as I think of it, I was never truly ready to accept the fact I could kill someone.

"Kota!" Derrick grabbed my face to face him.

"Look at me." There was a tense aura to him. "I know what you're feeling. That guilt, that understanding that you've taken someone's life."

He paused to look at the body.

"But you aren't him. No matter what you think."

"W-what do you mean?" I stumbled out.

"A man that sells people for money and kills for it is not who you are. You still have a purpose. That man did not." Derrick then grabbed my shoulders.

That's right. My promise to Lilith. The task arael gave to me.

"Listen…" he hesitated, seeming like he was trying to figure out what he should say to a Eleven year old. "I wasn't your age, but I was older. I was sixteen when I took my first person's life. This was before I met your father or Edward. The man I killed was a sadistic bastard." He eyed the dead man next to us. "You know why I killed him?"

"…" I had no idea how to respond to that. I could see through his sunglasses that he was squinting, waiting for an answer.

When he got no answer, he sighed.

"You know why I wear sunglasses?"

"…because you like them?"

"No…here's why." He lifted his sunglasses and showed me his eyes.

Or one eye. The other was gone, an empty hole in its place.

I gave him a shocked look, instinctively leaning back from it. What the hell?

"When I was ten, I was a good kid, Like you. I had a sister who went out of her way to protect me. That is until…" he pulled down his sunglasses. "That man I killed, killed her. Right in front of me. Slashed her throat after he cut my eye out. He was a maniac on the loose that travelled villages and killed and I became one of his targets."

"W-why are you tel-." I tried to ask that question before Derrick stood above me, his shadow casting over me.

"Because when I killed him, I didn't think about how I'd be a murderer. A killer. Only thing I thought about was my sister." He let out a heavy sigh after he said that. "Kota, you can kill. But only if it's for the purpose of the greater good. Mine was to kill my sister's killer and I did. And now my goals are to kill those who prey on the weak." Derrick said.

I didn't even know he had a sister. I've known this guy for about two days and he's telling me this shit. What the hell is happening?

"I respect you as a fighter, as Gerald's son. Now, what made you want to kill this man?"

What made me want to kill that man? I pondered that for a moment before confirming it. Lilith. His intentions with her made me mad. Every fiber of body wanted to obliterate him for saying shit to her.

I clenched my fist, ignoring the pain going through my left arm. Derrick must've seen this as he smiled.

"The girl, huh? Is she someone you want to protect?"

"Yes." I instantly answered.

"Willing to kill to save her?"

"…yes."

"Well you've done it, why are you upset then?"

"…"

"It was either you die and she dies or he dies. You did what was right, didn't you?" Derrick persisted.

Fuck, he was right too.

He lifted me to my feet, brushing my shoulders and legs of any debris left on me.

"You did good, kid. I knew you'd hold well against someone like that for your age."

"But…I lost."

"You lost because you're inexperienced. If you had probably managed to fight someone like that before, you'd probably would've won." Derrick pointed at his head. "You're smart. with this fight, you'll be more aware of what mage's do."

I guess he was right there. I mean I can guess now how mage's fight in this world. This guy used an onslaught of magic to try and decimate me in a short time span.

"I have a feeling this'll keep bugging your mind. So here's the deal; whenever you're in need of some therapist talking. Come to me, And we'll chat it out." Derrick lowered himself so he could pat my head.

"…ok" Never have I imagined that someone I met a few days ago would somehow become my therapist.

But you can't really expect things here.

"And fix that arm of yours. It'll get infected." Derrick poked at my arm, which caused me to flinch in pain.

I started the spell to use healing, pointing my staff at myself to amplify the magic and felt a soothing feeling spread throughout my arm. I must've used a lot of my magic as the wound was healing faster than usual, slowly my skin was wrapping and twisting to seal the wound.

"Good, now what to do with this man here." Derrick peered back at the man that he tied. He was still unconscious. "Hmm. Let me wake him up." Derrick walked towards the man and gave him a hard kick, rousing the man from his sleep.

"H-huh? W-what the fuck?" The man looked up at Derrick. An expression of fear spread through his face as he desperately tried to scoot away from him. "You! You fucker, you killed my friends!"

"Ah, I killed some kidnappers. I know nothing of you people." Derrick shrugged. He didn't seem to really care about this man's members. "I mean, stealing some children might cost you something in Prusha."

"Fuck you." The man only responded with that.

Derrick responded with a kick that caused the man to fly back, having him fall on his back.

"Kota, what should we do with this man?"

Derrick was questioning me. I was actually healing my left arm when he called me. I looked up with a confused look.

"…why are you asking me?"

"Should we kill him?"

Is this a test from Derrick? I don't know if he's just trying to test my moral code or something. Maybe he's trying to see if I'm willing to kill again.

"H-hey wait! Hold on! Kid, hold on!" The man begged.

I mean, do I want to see this guy die? As much as I believe he should die, he's not a real danger right now. But his friends almost killed me and could've taken Lilith.

I put my finger to my chin as I began to think even more.

Is there more wrong in killing this man than good coming from it? Now that I've somewhat gotten past the fact I've killed someone. I think to me, the only lingering issue is the possible consequences that come from it.

I looked at Derrick, who gave me a poker face. It was like he was waiting for an order of some sorts. He's probably seen multiple people die, either from his own hands or just seeing it happen. I wonder if Gerald has killed someone? Or even Synthia?

I can't imagine there being a real law out here that specifies that killing is wrong. Actually, I'm pretty sure the book that had all the continents stated that this area was a neutral zone…so anything goes.

But…what'd be the point of killing this man? I wouldn't gain anything out of it. Just another body count to my list. I gain nothing.

I really only killed because…I had a reason to do it. I mean, who wouldn't want to kill someone if they tried hurting someone you cared about?

"I don't think we should kill him." I answered.

Derrick's face shifted into a grin. Then he looked at the man.

"Hear that, the boy is kind enough to spare you after what you've done." The man let out a sigh of relief, but I feel like Derrick had something in mind.

And that he did.

"Kota, let's head to the carriage and help the others fix it. Leave him." Derrick walked off and headed to the carriage's way.

I followed in suit, grabbing my staff and walking before I heard the man beg even more.

"H-hold on kid, think about this! You really want to leave me out here? In this forest? I can guide you guys to Prusha!" He begged.

I ignored him. I'm too tired, Fighting and tending to my wounds just left me wanting to sleep. Or maybe it was just the fighting that tuckered me out, I can still somewhat feel that there was still mana inside me.

I didn't really want to leave this guy behind, but as it stands. There was no point in saving this guy. My moral compass right now is fucked and I'm mentally drained. I just want a good lap to lie my head on and just sleep.

I continued to walk as I heard the man please ring from my back. Once I got to the carriage, I saw that Edward and Derrick were working on getting the wheels of the carriage removed from the ground. Lilith stood off the side just watching.

Looking at her now made me think. Was she all aboard on killing? I'm pretty sure she did the first blow on the guy before I did. Also, there's still blood on her. She didn't even wipe it off.

She must've noticed I was giving her a somewhat perplexed look as she then gave me a hug.

Ah, a warm embrace. Just what I needed. It just needed no blood involved as she rubbed her face against me.

I pushed her off to tell her no rubbing but nope, shirts ruined now. I mean it was ruined already with the hole in my left arm's side. But now it's more ruined.

"Are you alright? How's your arm?" She inspected my left arm, poking at what was once a hole in my arm. Now it somewhat looked like a scar but the flesh was twisted into a spiral.

Why's she so nonchalant right now? This cannot be normal for someone of our age. Or…her age.

"You got blood on your face, stop inspecting me and wipe it off."

"Oh, whoops…sorry." She didn't even notice but she immediately used her cloak to wipe it off.

I'm going to wash all our clothes in the carriage once we get back on the road.

She looked behind me after cleaning her face and noticed the man that was tied. He was trying to untie the rope that Derrick used while laying on his stomach, he struggled to do that.

"Why don't we kill him?" She asked.

Huh?!?

I gave her a glare, and she gave me a confused look.

"What would be the point of killing him?" I asked. Why am I giving her this talk now?

"Because they hurt you? Duh?" She shrugged when she said that.

"…" I was dumbfounded.

She literally has the same reasons as to why I Wanted to kill. Ok, well she'll need to talk to Derrick about that. For now, I'll just need to persuade her to not kill for no reason.

"They did, but…wouldn't..it be better to leave him to suffer?" I said awkwardly. I didn't sound that confident in that answer, but since she has the mind of a kid, maybe it'll work?

She seemed confused at first before a smile spread. "Oooh, we're gonna feed him to the wolves out here with his friends! Ok, I get it!"

No! That's not what I intended! Well, not really, but still!

"The wolves? No! No! Please!" I heard the man beg, he was still on his stomach. Now close to his dead friend.

Alright, I don't have the capacity or energy with this. I want to sleep, my body aches and I need a cushion!

"…yes, we're leaving him here for that. Ok let's go in the carriage while we have the chance."

"But what abo-."

"No time, I'm mentally drained. I want to put my head on your lap!" I insisted, but stopped once I realized I said that last part.

"Haha, Edward! Did you hear that? Killer lover boy making a move! He's back to normal!" Derrick said as both him and Edward lifted the last wheel that was sunken.

I crawled into the carriage, laying my staff on the front bench, awaiting for Lilith to hop in.

Seemed like Lilith was chatting with Derrick before she headed in.

Her face was very red as she came in, making no eye contact with me. She stood in front of me, nervously tapping her fingers together. What'd that man say to her?

"Lilith, what'd Derrick say?"

No response.

Ok, now I'm worried. What'd that man say? What could he say to a child?

"Lilith, can you plea-."

She took her cloak off. Her silver hair fluffed up a bit when she took it off. Now she stood with her

Silver dress and her sword at her belt.

Ok…I'm scared. Derrick is an odd man, he came to aid me in my mental breakdown and now he's going to start a new one.

Did he tell Lilith to undress?!?

I immediately got out of my lying position and went into a sitting position. Which confused her.

Which confused me?

"Lilith, Don't undress!" I blurted out, holding my hands up.

"Huh?!! What are you on about?" Lilith gasped. Her face is now even more red.

I could hear Derrick and Edward laugh from the front of the carriage. A hysterical laugh.

Lilith was shaking as she held her cloak.

"J-just put the cloak on! Use it as a cover for when you sleep! Geez!" She said, throwing it at my face.

Ah. I read that whole thing wrong. That's good… I think. Maybe for me.

"Oh…sorry.." I said as I removed the cloak from my face. It smelled like her. It was like the smell of flowers with a hint of copper, I'm guessing from the blood that might've stained the cloak.

I didn't mind. I just wanted to sleep.

I looked at Lilith who was still standing idle again, her hands in front of her and it looked like she was waiting for an order or something.

An order…

"Lilith, let me use your legs as a pillow." I blatantly said. There was an urgency in my voice because I'd rather not sleep on hardwood.

"Ah, uh…ok.." she awkwardly sat next to me, fingers tapping her legs.

I slowly sank back into my lying position, now with a cushion for my head. I then used Lilith's cloak as a blanket.

I heard Edward and Derrick get back into the driver seat. Seemed like the horses we had weren't injured and remarkably, they remained calm.

There was still that hole that was made by one of the kidnappers on the left side of us, but we'll fix it at some point.

"Alright, we had a bit of a stop there. But we should be a day away from Prusha now." Derrick said.

"What about that man behind us?" Lilith asked.

There was a pause between us all before Edward responded.

"Fuck him."

"Haha! That's the spirit, Edward! Let's keep that high spirit! And Kota, get some rest on that girl's lap. It was all her plan to cheer you up, HAHA. I got nothing to do with it!" Derrick laughed.

"It's not like that!" Lilith spoke loud. There was a voice crack that almost made me burst out in laughter.

"Hm…seems like it." Edward said.

"I'm keeping him warm and comfy, that's it!" She insisted.

As Lilith argued with those two, I could feel myself dipping in and out of sleep.

Somehow in two days, things transpired into a mess. I witnessed how mercenaries work and now I've killed someone. But all of that is on the back burner as I enjoy the soft squishiness of Lilith's thighs.

By the time I probably wake up, it'll be night time.

As I slowly drifted off into my slumber, I could hear the man we left behind crying and pleading as we slowly but surely moved away from him.

The rules of this world is cruel. But we're alive and that's all that matters now.