6 V. I Loved You In Secret

V. "I loved you in secret."

—I Did Something Bad, Taylor Swift.

Late midnight already. My family was already fall asleep aside me, here still watching the light comes from the moon that can be seen through the window of my room.

Only I only felt sadness—it embraces me, all over again. I can't take away the pain, I almost feel since 1 year ago passed. No one knows what I feel these past few days, weeks and no one will know what I will feel these upcoming days.

My room fulfilled with darkness and cold breeze slowly touching my skin. Funny, it's really good timing—to cry tonight.

I shuffle the songs on my spotify playlist.

Spotify | Now Playing

White Horse by Taylor Swift

All of my thousand of songs in my playlist? Here it comes playing a sad song for my sad night. How cool.

'Why destiny? You're playing out with me again?'

I browse my phone's gallery. I saw the one album, I named it before 'memories ♡' and I opened it.

I smiled when I see those photos of me with my close friends. I'm so thankful that they accept me for who I am.

Sadly, days passed they all change themselves. I wish if we could just back these old happiest moments of us.

I saw too those pictures with this girl, it was Desiree, my bestfriend. I love to see her rolling her eyes to me and I'm just like laugh like it's just nothing. I love to be with her through ups and downs. We're true to each other, no lies betweens us. I miss her so much—I only wish is to bond with her after this pandemic, I want to hug her and tell a story again.

I tears started to fall. Well, this pandemic realized me something or everyday I realize different things.

I realized my goals and who I want to be in near future.

I realized to find a job for students like me.

I realized how to grab opportunities.

I realized how to spend my time to my family.

And lastly, I realized how to be with him again.

I know he's always there for us, beside. He will never leave us alone, through his name we are safe.

I scroll down on my the album of my gallery. I saw him—it was pictures of us taken a year ago. I remember it was taken when it was celebration of 'Buwan ng Wika' in our school.

I'm crying right now. I miss it and It really hurts me, like there's a thousands of people who stabbing me right now.

I will write again an entry for today. I just want to ease the pain through these letters.

September 9 | 1:12am

Dear James Marco Centeno,

Yow! Haha funny, writing a letter for you while I'm crying so hard, imagine it Marco, just kidding. So hey, how was your day? Hope you're okay ( I'll ask you with this question, always haha ). Tell me I'm bad? I don't want to go back to my past but still I remember you—it's still hunting me all over again. I wish there's a song entitled 'The Girl Who Can't Be Moved' and that will be my theme song of my life. I know you already fall for someone else and it was Nathalie, right? I wish I'm pretty like her, I can dance as well for you to like me again but—this is just me, simple yet creative using simple words to turn into arts.

I want to know if there's still a little feelings for me—I just want to know if you appreciate my sorry's and efforts. I wish you do. I don't why I started to do this kind of cliche things. Bye Marco! See you around! I love you! Goodnight!

Sincerely,

Margaia Araxie

—

"Psst!"

"Woah?"

"Woah? Marga what was on your face?" He laughed so hard at me. Damn it.

"Argh, again—"

"PMS, if you command me to leave—I won't, so let's go!" He grab my wrist, he help me to stand and still he never take his hands on mine.

"You know what the program in our school isn't end? Yet, still we are here—ditching our class." I rolled my eyes to him but he chuckles. "Marco—uh where are we going?" I asked.

"Mall?"

"You shopping? That's nice. Ditching classes to buy something—"

"Marga, you drunk? I'm not buying any clothes or any things, we're going to the mall to have fun—"

"This isn't fun." I rolled my eyes to him. He chuckles.

"Sure you will enjoy it. Promise."

He held me to the arcade at the 5th floor of this mall. There's so many people, damn and I'm still in my uniforms, correction we're still on our uniforms.

"Uh Marco they're staring at us." I whispered.

"Because we're look like a couple." He chuckles.

I rolled my eyes to him. We go to the stations we're the rides can be found. He buy 4 tickets good for 2 rides.

"Want some bump car fight?" He asked. I just smile.

"Surely I'll win this game."

"Oh really let's see—"

"Hey! Hey—Margaia! Wake up!"

I opened my eyes, I could feel my cheeks was wet—did I just cry? Damn, so that was just a dream.

I wipe my tears before I face my Mom was sitting on my bed. I smiled at her and say 'good morning'.

"Good morning too Marga—I'm sorry if I was waking you up—"

"No it's okay Mom. I'll follow you on the dining area, I'll just clean my mess here." I said.

"Okay okay. We'll wait you there." I smiled before she closed the door.

I go to the bathroom. I face myself at the mirror. I didn't know that was just all happens in my dream, like it sucks.

I can see the sadness embracing me, the pain from my past always here within me. I can't even forget it and starts to move on—I'm wasting my time loving him.

"Why I am like this—why I'm always like this?"

—araxierella