4 Chapter 4: HER HEART

Yuan's POV

I was filling up medical files in the computer in my office for the millionth time when I remembered my nightmare last night. Though I call it a nightmare, it was more like a recollection of the past.

Four years ago...

Feng Medical Center, City A

"Patient is unconcious with mild respiratory distress. Pulses are faint. She has bradycardia." I announced as we arrived in the emergency room.

As the nurse in the ER saw that I was tense, she struggled to wrap the cuff of the sphygmomanometer around Yi Yue's arm. Irritated, I grabbed the apparatus from her and personally took Yi Yue's blood pressure on both arms. "Right arm, 100/75 mmHg. Left arm, 75/60"

The nurses around me were shocked. It is very unusual to have different blood pressures in both arm but if it happened the condition of the patiet is grim.

Putting my stethoscope on, I auscultated her chest. I hear wheezes and stridor in all fields in both lungs. What made the situation worse is the absence heart sounds in the left side of the heart. It also did not help that the right side has faint sounds.

"Perform ECG now!" I instructed, almost shouting.

Though it was just for a short while, it felt like a millenium as i waited for the ECG result. As much as I dread to read the result of the ECG, I know that it cannot be helped. I need to know what is wrong with her to treat her.

However, what I saw in the ECG paper made me sank deeper into despair. She had a complete left bundle branch block. Usually this condition per se does not cause symptoms. But it seems that it is aggravated by some unknown condition since the graphs in the paper indicates that most parts the left side of her heart had undergone necrosis.

I clenched my fists, almost crumpling the ECG paper. Why does it have to be the left side? The left side of the heart is responsible in delivering blood to almost all organs of the body. It delivers blood to more organs than the right side, which only delivers to the lungs. If the left side becomes dysfunctional, organ failure, leading to shock, can happen.

I looked back to the times that we were together to look for some signs and symptoms that she has failing heart. However, no matter how I rack my brains, I cannot find anything that can point to this diagnosis. She looks completely healthy on the outside, even her habits are very healthy. In spite of that, I resolved myself to do everything I can to save her.

"Get ready for surgery. We're going to put a bi-ventricular pacemaker in her heart and do a CRT (cardiac resynchronization therapy)." I instructed my assistant.

My heart feels so heavy as I put my my scrub suit on. I tried to stabilize my mind and my breathing. In my head, I simulated the step by step procedure. I know that it would not help her if I panic in the operating room.

Once everything is ready, I entered the operating room. I took a deep breath when I entered. As I exhale, I released every inch of nervousness, and doubt from my mind. What remained is the determination to serve the girl on the table.

Seeing her unconcious with numerous IV lines inserted in her arm, I feel my heart ache. I fought my nerves from returning. I steeled myself for I know that what she needs the most right now is for me to perform the procedure on her.

When I saw that her vitals stabilize, I made an incision below her left midclavicle. With the X-ray monitor as my guide, I put the leads of the pacemaker into the coronary sinus and then into the walls of the left and right ventricles. I applied electric signals into the lead to make sure that it can resynchronize the beating her heart.

However, fate seems to play with me. Just when I thought that the surgery is going to be successful, the visual field in the monitor were suddenly filled with blood. Then one by one, the assistants monitoring the vital signs in the surgery alerted.

"Heart rate is decreasing..."

"Oxygen saturation is 75%..."

"Blood pressure is 60/40 mmHg..."

"What's happening? Why are the vitals deteriorating?Why is there sudden bleeding?" An assisting surgeon asked.

"Damn it!" I cursed.

Knowing that it is not the time to give up and that she needs me, I persisted.

"Quick! Transfuse fresh frozen plasma! She's in DIC!" I instructed.

The bleeding somewhat slowed down when the plasma was transfused. I struggled to finish the procedure as soon as I could to save her. But no matter how much plasma I transfuse and efforts I put in, everything came to naught. Not even 10 minutes after she went into DIC, the monitor eventually showed a flat line.

"No... no..." I sobbed.

"Yi Yue... Yi Yue... please..." I murmured, unable to accept what happened.

"Dr. Feng, there's nothing more we could do. You know we've done everything we could. Announce her death like every doctor should do." Another assisting surgeon said.

"What do you know? She's not dead!" I shouted at him.

Desperate for a miracle... desperate to bring her back, I continued the produre. Under the disbelieving eyes of everyone around me, I applied electric signals to the leads again and again. hoping that her heart will beat again.

In a state of mania, murmured repeatedly. "You won't leave me right? Yi Yue... Yi Yue..."

In the midst of my manic state, my father, along with some guards, barged in the operating room.

"What is this disgraceful state?" He blurted as he saw me and signaled to the guards beside him.

The rest of the guards restrained me while one of them injected something in my arm. My sight went black and I lose consciousness.

The next time I opened my eyes, I was already in my room in the main mansion. I tried to think about the reason why I'm here at this hour instead of the hospital, but everything that happened came back to me. Her unconscious state, the flat heart lines, and her dead body.

Unknowingly, tears flowed uncontrollably from my eyes. Emotions of anger, hopelessness, and despair filled me. Unable to bear it, I punched the nearest to me repeatedly, again and again. I don't care if I get hurt. I don't care if my hand bleeds. What I want is to release all this pent-up emotions within me.

As I raged, I did not notice my father enter my room.

"What are you crying for? Everything is done. You should just accept it." He chastised me.

"I want to see her." I requested my father when reason came to me again.

My father made a helpless sigh. "I'm afraid that's impossible. Her family already took her body back."

Upon hearing his reply, I punched the wall again. It seems it is even a pipe dream to see her body one last time.

As I noticed that I am typing wrong letters in the medical forms, I shook away every thoughts of the past. But as I look at the forms in the screen, I thought again. I am able to fill the forms of my other patients but I am haven't done this with her form. I let some other doctor, who knows who, to fill up her form.

Now, four years have passed and I never had the courage to glance at it. Thinking again, I no longer remember what she looks like. But what I know is that beneath her plain face, she has the purest eyes I have every seen. And underneath her cold facade is a very warm heart, capable of melting every frozen heart.

I feel myself breaking down again. Maybe it's due to her approaching fourth year death anniversary that I tend to miss her so much these days... so much that it is unbearable.

Then desperate for a part of her, I made my resolve to face something I was running away from since it is the only memory of her that I have left. And with my new found resolve, I dashed out of my office.

I knocked on the door of the room that says office of the director of the department of surgery. I don't know if I should consider it fortunate that the director or should I say directress is my elder sister, Feng Ning. Either way, I need to accomplish my purpose. So sister or not, I need to talk with her.

"Come in." She replied from inside the room.

As I step into the room, she retrieved her attention from the medical files on her table and glanced at me.

"Yuan'er! What's up? I did not expect this visit. You are not someone who just visits my office casually. Did you miss me?" She cheerfully inquired and teased at the same time.

Ignoring her teasing, I sat on the chair in front of her desk and stated my purpose. "I want access to her files."