11 Dirty Blond

Have you ever regretted something?

I have. Too many times to count.

The life I lead before the incident two years ago, I want to say all of it was one big mistake. I was too uncaring, brash, stupid and rebellious simply for the sake of it. I think I craved attention too much. I wanted all eyes on me all the time, and it didn't matter if it was because I did something bad. It didn't matter if I hurt people as long as I got what I needed.

It was a foolish way to live life, and maybe I'm still making mistakes, but I think I know better now. I do regret being so immature, but I was just a kid after all. Maybe it was karma, but I don't think I completely deserved the hand I was dealt. I regret what I did, but I didn't deserve what I got. It wasn't my poison to swallow. I wasn't the culprit.

"I didn't do it," I told him, my eyes unwavering as I stared him down.

"I see…" he didn't say anything further, placing his notebook back on his desk. He leaned forward in his seat, his hands clasped together between his knees. I would've laughed at the light reflecting off his balding skull, if only I didn't have a point to prove. Looking at him though, I knew it went right over that bald head of his.

"You don't believe me," I pointed out, my voice void of much emotion. I can't say I expected much else out of the man.

I'd been thinking this for a while now, but Mr. Fred -no last name yet- seemed to be a counsellor just for show.

I'd been visiting him, on Gayle's orders, after school for an hour to discuss if I was having any issues. I didn't ever feel like opening up, so the meeting went by quickly, with him asking me about school and me giving him curt, one word replies. He thought it was fine. According to him, it was okay if it took me a while to open up to him, it was only natural, he said. Well, four weeks later, and I still wasn't even close to fond of him.

"I believe that you believe what you said," he said, his annoying calm voice getting on my nerves.

"But that doesn't mean you do," I concluded, rolling my eyes at the weird play with words he always seemed to have.

"I didn't say that," he laughed, but it didn't seem genuine at all.

Before I completely blew up, I decided to get back to the point, "why did you ask me, anyway?"

I was surprised when in the middle of our boring back and forth of 'how are you?'s and 'I'm fine's, he suddenly stopped and asked, 'Did you really light fire to this building?'

It was completely out of line and he didn't even seem to care, but I answered anyway.

"Just had a thought," he said in answer, not really answering anything at all.

I didn't have it in me to fish for them though. "Then if we're done here, I'm leaving." I stood up without waiting for him to reply, grabbing my bag from the seat.

"We have ten minutes left, but it's alright," he was looking at his watch, "I'll see you Thursday then."

I didn't bother affirming it, leaving before he could ask me anything else. I could only handle so much bullshit in a day. He was supposed to be a counsellor, someone that would listen to my side, but he was just like all the others after all. Can't say he didn't give me bad vibes from the first time I spoke to him. I wonder where he got that degree, he was clearly unfit for the damn job.

I walked out the school gates to find a bunch of jocks and cheerleaders loitering around as some sort of after-practice ritual. They gave me the usual disgusted look as I passed by, one of the cheerleaders chewing obnoxiously on her gum as she gave me a once over. If it was two years ago, I would've probably picked a fight and had her cowering in a corner within seconds. I didn't have the energy for that anymore so I ignored it and continued my walk back home.

Mondays are always sad, but that day was just a whole new low. I'd been preparing myself all weekend to face Ian and have a calm discussion about that night. I was hoping to get some answers. I just didn't expect him to skip school.

I hadn't called or texted because I wanted to speak to him face-to-face, so he couldn't hide anything. Now, I was considering hitting him up just to check up on him. I wanted to, but I still didn't want to be the first one that called. It was childish but...he was the one who pushed me away. Even if only a little, I still had some self respect left in me.

I don't know when or why but I found myself making my way to the shopping district instead of going home. I knew I wouldn't see him, but I felt a sense of comfort walking through the crowd, somewhere people didn't even notice me, forget the pointing and staring.

I sat at a tiny cafe at the side of the road, taking the table set outside, with a cute sun umbrella covering the top. It was one of the spots I came to on days like these, just to sit at alone and think.

That's when the second most explosive part of my life began. The next trial life threw at me.

"Hey."

I looked up from my drink at the voice of a boy, the sunlight in my eyes blurring my vision as I tried to read his features. He noticed, and moved his body to block the sun from my view, instead gracing my eyes with dirty blond hair, and green eyes the colour of grass, as I'd come to notice later.

He had on a charming smile, undeniable attractive as he asked, "mind if I join you?"

I'd regretted a lot in my life up till that point, but I know now that what I'd end up regretting the most in life is what I said next.

"Not at all," I smiled back.