Descent into Nothingness (Start here)

I don't remember when these thoughts started...

Was it when I lost both my parents in a car accident at 13 years old?

Was it was I was already entering college and had none to celebrate me even joining it?

Maybe it was when I was diagnosed with stage three cancer?

My life had started wonderfully, a single child of caring parents, they gave me love a place I belong to and a family home, I grew as a hopeful and cheerful child... Until that day.

The day my parents died, was as if as the world lost its colour, as if the sun lost its warmth and night sky its beauty.

I tried my best to hold my self as a 13 year old child, I had a guardian who was very negligent, he would look at me as he would at a stranger, only remaining in the barest sense my legal guardian.

I had friends before it happened, but as soon I as I was not very cheerful and became a bit melancholic, they started to avoid me, until I one day noticed I had none to talk to and would just be left out awkwardly during group assignments.

Understanding this as me not being fun to be around anymore I tried my best to keep a smile and positive attitude 'Maybe that would allow me have new friends.' I thought.

It didn't work, people would find me weird for always trying to hard to be cheerful, saying that I was a fake behind my back... at that point I kinda gave up trying to get along with others much, I started to become more pragmatic and learn how to use wit to make people think better of me, often bordering on very close to becoming a sociopath.

Still I didn't lose hope that I could find a friend and some company when I grew up, after all immature kids are used to shallow relationships right? Surely the adult world must be better, or so I thought once again.

I joined college, did my assignments and tried my darn hardest, but still I felt empty and hollow, work no longer worked to distract me of my depression.

So I decided to go to therapy, and fix that head of mine, and once again I thought myself on the right track.

That was before I was suddenly starting to get sick and feel horrible. Going to the hospital so that I could go back to trying my best and hoping for things to get better.

It hit me like a truck that day, I was notified that I had stage three cancer, and treatment was tricky in my case, I had low chances to get cured, and even worse chances to survive more five years...

Those five I did not want to work anymore... what's the point in doing so? I just wanted to enjoy the rest of my increasingly pitiful life by my self.

Manga, Games, Movies all sort of entertainment that would keep me afloat in the ocean of despair that I felt, but even then I grew bored of it... I was waiting my death and spluging my inheritance like no tomorrow, knowing that the only ones to enjoy it would be my distant family who I hadn't met in close to 10 years, they didn't even know I was alive and they didn't care. So I was not going to let them have my parents money, nope, nope.

But I started asking myself once again with a bit more hope this time.

Is there an afterlife? It can't be as bad as this right? Afterall the worse that can happen is that it will stop hurting, my body and soul would stop hurting...

Thinking so, I wrote a will and gave all my belonging to charity, hopefully they would be able to have a chance at this life to get better.

As for me, I said goodbye to this world without making much of a fuss, I overdosed my self on my sleeping pills and soon, everything went black.

Black, hollow, lonely, silent and bleak, and what I felt inside for a long time became my reality.

Atleast until that point of light showed up and sucked my up something fierce... it really does not respect the dead.

And then I felt pain again, but atleast it was a diferent kind of pain I guess...