23 Home

I need a break, a moment to sit and think and properly process everything that has happened as I'm sure the way I'm going isn't healthful for my psyche. Bulma had a point about me jumping from emotion and as much as I would like to think it's best I remain calm and unbothered, bottling up emotions won't do me any good. In three weeks I've learned that my life has essentially been a complete lie and the questions continue to go on without answers. First I find out I'm a Saiyan, then I run into the man who killed my master and then I learn that some damn army had my parents killed. Heh, what an interesting life I live - so very entertaining. I hope the gods are having fun with it, then at least someone would find some amusement in it. Now after defeating the army and destroying their entire base I'm left to sit at Kame house and eat some food while we try to figure out why the last dragon ball isn't appearing on the radar. I don't feel very good, which comes as no surprise to me. There's nothing good to feel today, not when things happened such as they did. I destroyed an entire army, killed countless - I'm sure, and what do I show for it? Nothing, not even an ounce of remorse for the men and women who probably had a family to return to. Why would I feel anything but anger towards those bastards? They worked for that shoddy army that killed many without a trace of empathy. They knew what the army wanted, knew what the army did and they went along with it, so then, I care for them as much as I care for Tao. If they had family, then I apologize to them for taking a loved one, but I wouldn't have gone about it any differently. If it makes me a bad person, then so be it. I never went around claiming to be some saint who's holier than thou.

Still, I took out the people responsible for taking my family and it doesn't feel any better. Of course, I hadn't expected to feel any different after the things I had done. No matter what I had done, it wouldn't change the fact and it wouldn't change how I feel about it. Could've made it worse, perhaps it did, I'm not entirely certain. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling. I'm not angry, I know as much. I'm not sad either, not remorseful, nor am I resentful - not anymore. I'm just.....well I truly don't know what I feel. I suppose it's a state of ambivalence, uncertain how to feel or which approach to follow.

Apathetic.

Yeah, that's more suited to what I feel; a complete indifference at this moment.

How spectacular

"Fortune teller Baba would be a major help right now"

I spare the group a glance as they gather around Roshi to question him on this fortune teller, the sight of it slightly amusing. Sighing I continue to eat my rice as I've hardly eaten today and it's not very wise of me to go around on an empty stomach. Mentally, I'm already running pretty low, can't be lacking physically as well.

Roshi informs the group of who this fortune teller is, a conversation that has my interest, but not enough for me to pay much attention. I have too much on my plate already, it's no use taking interest in something that would likely add to the headache that's building. With the last of my food cleared off my plate, I'm left to sit in silence and stare at my empty plate, contemplative about what to do now that I've essentially gone on a rampage. Well, it's not much of a rampage but I haven't been much of a good person, have I? What would mom and dad say about this? They're disappointed I'm sure, and I don't very much like that thought. Still, I can't feel remorse for what I have done so all I can do is apologize for being this way.

"Alright then" Looking up, I see Kakarot determined and ready to find this fortune teller and the last ball. "We're off to see the fortune teller"

Are we?

"Ready Durian?" It is Bulma who asks, brow raised and not as amused as she usually is when I have a massive appetite. She's worried, I would assume, being very keen on my mood switches. She's far more compassionate than she likes to think.

"I'm not going" Really, I don't feel like continuing this search anymore. I just don't feel like doing much. I just want to go home. Maybe I'll find some sort of relief there, some answers, anything to make sense of it all.

"What? Why?" Krillin asks, sounding as offended as he is baffled. "It's the last ball"

"Okay" That's all Kakarot says when he looks at me, his expression not one I can read, but he offers me a smile after a moment. "I get it, it's been a lot and sometimes you need a break, right?"

"I guess you do learn" I chuckle and he grins.

"I'm stubborn, not an idiot," He says jokingly and he's right. He's a smart kid, even though he hasn't shown it very much. But sometimes he can be an idiot but I offer no comment on it.

He's at my side soon, holding his fist towards me in a familiar gesture. I connect mine silently and he grins.

"I'll get the last ball, you do whatever you need to do" He reassures. "I hope you feel better"

"Yeah thanks"

"Where are you going then?" Bulma asks me, watching as Kakarot and the boys leave the house soon.

Where am I going?

"Home"

It feels odd saying this now. Home, heh, I haven't had one for years, or that's what I've been telling myself, haven't I?

Bulma doesn't say anything for a moment, silently joining me at the table as silence befalls us.

Then she sighs.

"I would offer to come along but I have a feeling you're better off on your own right now" She admits quietly. "So I guess I'll wish you the best and just wait for you to return"

I get the feeling she doesn't very much like this realization.

"I'll be back" I promise.

"I know" and she truly does, doesn't she? There's no doubt in her words, no hesitation, just certainty. "Just please don't do something stupid again because I have a feeling you might get yourself hurt somehow"

The laugh that leaves me is abrupt and surprising, interrupting the quiet air that had settled over us. It's amusing for some reason, perhaps because she may be right. Who's to say I won't just release all my emotions and destroy a forest? It's a very appealing thought that gets tempting with each passing moment. The longer I contemplate my emotions the harder it becomes to remain as unaffected as I try to be.

"I'll try"

"Not very reassuring," says Bulma, sounding stern. "And you should learn to deal with things better"

A bit harsh, but a very good point and I will work on my coping mechanisms.

~~~~~~~~~

The howl of the wind against my ear is the only thing keeping me company as I traverse across the land, heading in the direction I had long since turned my back on. Thinking back, it was a pretty dumb and selfish thing to do and I wonder how things have held up over all these years. I doubt the house is in the best condition as much as I doubt the state of the flowers my mother loved so much. She was an amazing gardener and truly enjoyed taking care of her plants. I wonder if it's a mother thing as Panchy has the same habits and she reminds me of my mother every now and then. Must be why I get along with her so well. Though she is just a very sweet woman that makes me feel incredibly safe. Huh, like mom, so I guess she really does remind me of my mother.

I've gotten used to traveling with others, it seems, as the quiet doesn't feel as good as it always used to. I never enjoyed being by my lonesome but I had gotten used to it over the years, enough that the quiet became somewhat comforting. Now, however, it leaves me feeling incomplete and I wonder if I should have taken up Bulma's offer. She'd make great company. She's always great company, really. Sarcastic yet caring, though she would never admit it. And her random thoughts were fascinating and only show how incredible her mind truly is.

Kakarot would be amazing company as well. With all his stories over his grandfather and the things he somehow knows over his extinct race. He has much to say and is incredibly understanding for a twelve-year-old. It's nice having him around and the way he thinks such nice things about me feels endearing in a way I'm not used to. Must be what it feels like to have a younger brother, maybe.

He's an amusing little brother, that's for sure. Krillin too, as cowardly and selfish as he can sometimes be. He's a good guy, no doubt about it and recently he's been far braver than he formerly was. I'm sure it's the result of spending so much time with Kakarot and Chichi, who are incredibly brave and fearless kids in their own right. Though, Chichi can sometimes be a bully when Krillin shows fear or acts cowardly.

As for Yamcha, well, while we didn't get off on the right foot at first, he's not a terrible guy once I got to know him a bit. I tend to forget about him a lot for some reason and I sometimes feel bad about it.

Here I am distracting myself with the thought of the friends I've made. It's better than thinking of the things that race around my mental. And the fact that I've made friends suddenly makes me feel some sort of joy. I've never had friends before in my life. Never tried and the kids I interacted with never liked me for some reason. I was weird; they would say and they never liked talking to me. Maybe it's because I didn't play as they did. Maybe it was something else, I'm not sure.

I guess I was an eccentric kid, having been raised by scientists and always showing more interest in experimenting than playing and interacting with others.

Oh well, that's all in the past.

As night nears I consider setting up camp for the night but those thoughts are dashed the longer I relax into my gifted cloud and realize I could travel through the night and get some good sleep with no issue. The cloud seems to know exactly where I want to go, which is curious. I don't complain, however, and simply offer simple pats to the thing in exchange for the little "putput" it tends to make. I'm glad that the difference in color and function does not take away from how precious these clouds are.

"You're a great companion as well," I tell the nimbus and earn that sound I love so very much. I wonder how these clouds came to be as they are sentient, or seem to be, as they act differently around certain people. At least from what I had seen as Kakarot's nimbus would fly into me in a manner I'm sure is playful from the sounds it would make. But it tends to stay away from Roshi when he's nearby.

Stars overtake the sky and the moon dominates once more, crescent and safe for me to admire. As the hours creep by, sleep evades me as it sometimes does and I'm left to gaze upon the night sky, left with my thoughts and the sound of the night. Sighing I sink deeper into the softness of my nimbus, willing myself to rest and close my eyes to no avail.

Why am I going back?

To find answers? For closure? Do I even know why I'm going home? Is there even a reason for returning? What do I hope to find there?

More questions with answers I cannot reach. Perhaps I am aware of what the answer may be but will not admit it. Perhaps I truly do not know and that is no better.

"What do you think nimbus?" My question is met with silence. "Is it a useless endeavor?"

~~~~~~~~~

The sun is at its peak in the sky when a familiar city comes into view, more and more of it appearing the closer I got as well as the sudden feeling of homesickness. Staring down at the expanding metropolis and noting how different yet similar it is to West city. Directing nimbus downward, the sight of the city disappears as we near the outskirts of the metropolis, directing the cloud lower and lower and soon gazing upon the small town that held so many memories. With a tiny "put-put " the nimbus stops just at the entrance of the small town, a clear sign for me to finally get off. But I remain as I am, simply staring at the path that would lead to a place I had abandoned all those years ago. Trepidation begins in my chest, morphing into an irrational fear that has me feeling quite pathetic.

Why would I be afraid of my own home?

Finally, I set foot on the familiar path, gazing down at the worn dirt, noting the tire tracks that just never seem to go away. And just like all those years ago I follow it, remembering all the days I would follow tire tracks around the town, never knowing where it would bring me but always enjoying the adventure. This time, however, I do not allow it to carry me off track and deviate from its path when I find myself close to home. The town is as active as ever with faces I remember and some I cannot recognize. They pay me no mind, perhaps not recognizing me or not caring enough to give me any attention. It's better that way. I would rather attract as few eyes as possible as I simply wish to go home to resolve whatever it is that is plaguing me so. I'll be leaving once that's taken care of and I doubt I'll be returning anytime soon.

It takes one thousand a ninety steps from the middle of the town to my house. Something I remember vividly as I could not stand the number one thousand and ninety nor could I stand not arriving within that specific number of steps. I find myself counting even now, careful with how broad my steps are and I can't help my smile when I reach the designated number and come to stand before my old home.

It's like any other house in North city and the small town just outside it. It's nothing special safe for its size, a bit bigger than most in the neighborhood. Its color is no longer the pristine white it had been when I had left. Now it is a dirtied white, a color I never favored. Nature has moved nearer to my house, vines and grass littering the once clean and beautiful yard, no colorful flowers in sight. In the corner there's that stupid car my father liked so much, it's red now rusted and ugly and had moss grown all over it with time. The tires are flat and almost wittered away completely and the glass is broken for whatever reason.

The backyard is where I would do most of my training when Master Lao had not taken me into the forest with him. There was this little shed I had helped build with my father and it is there that I would work on my own projects. I'm surprised to see it still standing, as battered as it now is. There are still tools scattered across the small desk, screws, and bolts everywhere, and some capsules fallen onto the ground. What was the last thing I made here? I'm not sure.

Sighing I take a look around the yard, recalling whatever comes to me with the sight of the place I was raised. Things were great here - amazing. I had a loving family and a pretty cool Master who has taught me so much. I was never hungry, I was never in need, I was loved and given everything I could ever want and it was great. There were bad days - there are always bad days - but those days only served to make the good ones that much better.

There's a fallen tree that narrowly avoided the house, the same tree I used to love climbing and the same one I had fallen out of and broken an arm. I cried and cried as the pain had been something unlike anything my young self had ever felt. Mom was worried sick and shouting out orders to my father who scrambled this way and that in his concern. In the end, they had taken me to the hospital and I had gotten a scolding from my mother and had been banned from climbing that tree again.

A few months later I was back in that very tree.

"So you actually came back"

I jump, surprised by those sudden words and a voice that sounds far too familiar. Spinning around I'm almost dizzy in my search for the speaker, but finding no one behind me, nor do I sense anyone nearby. Am I imagining things?

No, I'm sure someone had spoken. They were right behind me, I'm sure. And yet there's no one here and no ki nearby to be sensed.

There's a chuckle, again, sounding far too familiar and striking something within that longs for what I cannot have. Spinning around again I search and still cannot find the offender and the longer this goes on the more I'm convinced I might just be going crazy. Returning home has finally made me lose all sense of reality, hasn't it?

"Am I really in such a terrible state that I'm hearing the voice of my master?"

Ridiculous.

"You are still terrible at hide and seek"

Again, that voice and this time when I turn to find the speaker, my eyes do land on a person, one I should not be looking at right now. He smiles, a teasing thing that he always wore when he had bested me. He stands as proudly as ever, back straight and hands behind his back as he approaches. He moves without a sound, unable to be detected even now when I've grown so much stronger.

"Pick up your jaw kid, you'll catch flies" He chides playfully.

"H-"

He chuckles at my loss for words, pressing a finger to my forehead and sending me stumbling, balance lost for a moment.

"You look like you've seen a ghost" He jests.

I'm not sure if it's meant to be a joke or not, or if I have truly lost my mind here.

"Well I guess you have, so I can't very much blame you"

"Master Lao" I almost scream his name in my surprise and the many things that come with seeing the man who I'm sure had died.

"That is my name, yes" he nods casually, still smiling. Surely he takes amusement in my struggle, he always took amusement in my struggles.

"But-"

How?

What is going on?.