The Roast

"Kana-chan! You're in one piece, thank the gods." The old Hokage nodded his head, "What about Orochimaru-kun?"

"Yo, Jiji. Not exactly in one piece, but I'm okay… Orochimaru is…" she closed her eyes, "The seal I put on him is moving north, so, unfortunately, he slithered out of my grasp..." Kaname smirked, "For now."

"So the slimy bastard escaped again." Jiraiya grumbled out, giving a big hug to his blonde student, "Huh? Wait, Kana-chan, you put a tracking seal on him?"

"Yep, and it's not a normal one. My Rasengan engraved it on the inside of his mouth. One of the few places a snake can't replace." She chuckled.

"... Let me guess. You can teleport to it at any moment you want?" Kaname gave Sannin an expressive wink that explained everything to him. "Hahaha! Now I understand your threats. What's the plan?"

"For now, I need to rest. Once the Snake stops to reorganize the troops, I will eradicate every leftover subordinate close by. Next time Snake will most likely expect me to show back, so I will only send a small, lit explosion seal his way. Like that, I will slowly destroy everything he ever had."

"Umm… I'm sorry if I stepped on your toe, okay? I wouldn't want to be your enemy." Jiraya started sweating profusely and took a step away from Kaname in fright.

"Talking about slithering, what about you, Utakata-san? Why would you level a part of Konoha? I hope you had a justifiable reason? Luckily, all civilians were escorted to shelters long before your outburst."

"I'm sorry, Hokage-sama. Kana-chan's was heavily wounded," Utakata bent his back in apology towards the elderly man, "My mind just shut off when I saw a part of her hip evaporate in a rain of blood and bones."

"Wait, what?" Sarutobi's eyes peered over Kaname's body.

"That's why I said I'm not exactly in one piece, Jiji. I'm pretty sure you can find some of them near the Academy ruins."

"How did he get you?"

"I did not expect survivors of Root putting up a trap - it was designed specifically to aim at me. We will talk about it later, Jiji," she explained, "I thought you would be angrier at the additional paperwork."

"*Cough*... Don't worry about that, Kana-chan. But you are saying that Root is back?"

"Yep, some spares left sworn to enact revenge on me." Kaname nodded.

"Before you ask, Hokage-sama, I do not know how many were left after… that event. I'm pretty sure most of them fled." Utakata joined in.

"We will deal with this problem later." The Third Hokage's gruff voice replied, "What about them?" he pointed at the tormented Hokage's.

"Just send-..." Hashirama called out but was stopped when a wooden spear impaled his head, "...us off." He finished when his mouth regenerated.

"That's not so easy, Hashirama-sama. I need your DNA to overcome Orochimaru's orders. Have you got any idea where I can find some traces of it even after a half-century?"

"Kana-chan's, what about the graves?" Minato suggested.

"Nope, my clone checked the graves already. Someone cleaned those up."

"Tobirama's…" The First Hokage was once again interrupted.

"Damn, it's pissing me off." Kaname deadpanned.

"... Sword was hidden…"

"I know!" Hiruzen continued the First Hokage's story, "There is a legend in my clan's district. We have a massive oak in the center of it - when I was still a kid, I heard that the tree was grown by the first Hokage and contained the first weapon of my Sensei."

"The second Hokage's sword was hidden in a tree bark? Yep, I believe I can find some traces of his DNA on the handle. But what about you?"

"Training. Traces of my blood, before wood-release block the bl..." The black-haired Hokage tried to explain.

"Minato-san, could you?"

"Sure, be right back." He nodded and flashed out.

"Hmm, why did you send Minato-kun off, Kana-chan?"

"I'm debating about giving him details of that night and the main perpetrator, Jiji."

"... Yes, that's a... Hard topic. Maybe wait for it after Minato-kun meets with Naruto-kun?"

"The two met already, Jiji. They didn't have time to talk, but Minato-san was visibly happy meeting his son."

"Those are some good news. Let the two talk first, Kana-chan."

The Fourth Hokage joined the group in a flash of light with a sword in hand, "It's a little rusty, but I found it."

"It's good enough for me." Kaname swiped the katana from Minato's hand. "It will take a moment…" she pulled out two sets of tools designed for seal creation, "Jiraiya-san, Minato-san, can you prepare two clean four-arrayed seals for me? Due to the blood loss, I feel like I have a mountain-sized hangover…"

"Four-arrayed? And the Snake was capable enough to do such advanced seals? Damn, we're lucky he never thought of using more of these seals to attack Konoha…" the white-haired Sannin crouched next to one of the equipment sets.

"Yes, I believe so too. Fighting through hundreds of prepared seals and traps would tire us out, Jiraiya-sensei." Minato joined next to him.

'Leftover barely dried blood on the blade. Why is it still in a half-liquid state even after more than fifty years?' Kaname inspected Second Hokage's blade, 'Senju Clan members' cells have so much vitality that they are still regenerating even after the body's demise? No, it's only his, hmm, the First Hokage was a monster. Yeah, that could work for my clan's eye problems, but freeing the two is my top priority now… Shit.' She used a kunai to scrap the red remains on the katana.

"Now, what about the handle…" Kaname smiled, zooming in with Mangekyo Sharingan and catching leftover pieces of skin on the sword's hilt. "Easy… Have you two finished?"

"Yep." Jiraiya stood up, holding two seals in his hand, "What now?"

"Now I have to create Edo Tensei seals - it would be best that no one else knows how to design them. The fewer people that know how to, the better… I'm sorry to say it, but the dead should stay in their graves. Using the dead as puppets is plainly horrible."

"No offense taken, Kana-chan. You are right." Minato kindly smiled at her.

"Thanks." Kaname crouched, taking a brush into her hand, she quickly completed the seals.

Two minutes later, two scraps of paper flashed in a sickly purple glow. "It's done." Kaname's red Sharingan swirled in her eyes, stopping two Hokage's torment. Before their feet dropped back on the ground, Hokages' foreheads were impacted by two kunais.

"Hmm?" The First Hokage clenched his fist twice, "Now I have sixty percent of my original power, not bad."

"Huh? Shodaime-sama, do you mean I did not fight you two at full power?"

"Saru, we were limited to about twenty percent of our capabilities." His teacher answered, "It seems that your student did not know how or was too scared to give us more power."

"Yeah, there may be some ways to give you two back your full capabilities, but I didn't care enough to research on the topic," Kaname commented on the side.

"Ugh, now I do feel too old."

"Hahaha! Little Saru, you don't just feel old - you are old!" The Wood-release user laughed out loud, "But truth to be told, not many would be able to resist both of our attacks at the same time, even if we held back."

"Minato-kun, I will gladly step aside for you. My old bones need to rest."

"Hehe, I would do that if I could, Hiruzen-sama." The blonde scratched the back of his head. "I'm sorry. Dead should not have a say in the world of the living. Kana-chan's gave me a nice injection of chakra. This body should hold for about the next 3 days or so. I want to spend them in the right way - with my son."

"Ah fuck, I know where this is going. Utakata, take me to the hospital." Kaname pleaded.

"Wait a moment!" The First Hokage called out, "Your name is Kaname Uchiha, right?"

"Can I just leave? I don't want to talk about this particular topic. I hate paperwork."

"Muhaha! I like her, Little Saru. And she has enough oomph behind her punches. This girl is perfect for this!"

"... Hmm~ So it was your plan, Jiji." Her tone sent shivers spiraling down Hiruzen's spine, "I hope you prepared some ketchup to mask the smell - your hat will have a rather distinct flavor."

"Not so fast, Hashirama. I won't stand an Uchiha on Hokage's position!"

"Exactly! We're evil! You can't make me a Hokage!" Kaname joined in on Second Hokage's outrage.

"Hahaha, she is like my Mito-chan!"

"Are you mad, Hashirama?"

"He must be! I will burn Konoha to the ground before you make me a Hokage..." She growled out.

A pure and powerful wave of chakra hit Kaname straight in her face, "Hoo~ That's not the first time I heard an Uchiha sput such a threat. None of them survived..." Hokage's low voice speared through an awkward silence.

"Tobirama, don't!" his older brother shouted.

Utakata took a step in front of Kaname, shielding her from the invisible pressure, "Think about your next words wisely, Niidaime Hokage. We may not care about your biased resentment of the Uchiha clan, but threatening my loved one is unacceptable. An immortal corpse or not, if you don't change the tone, I will send you down to hell."

'This jinchūriki doesn't even break a sweat under the pressure of my chakra - he is dangerous…' Tobirama prepared himself for combat.

"Psst, Utakata." Kaname put her mouth near his ear, "Let me deal with this. I have a plan."

"Haah..." he sighed, "Okay, but after that, you're going straight to the hospital."

She kissed her boyfriend's cheek and whispered hotly into his ear, "By the way, that was a tiny bit cool."

Sidestepping Utakata's broad back, she winked playfully at three men standing at the side, watching her worriedly. "Do you think that your threats and meager show of power is scary?" Kaname's chakra flared, dwarfing the pressure expelling from Tobirama. "You said that none Uchiha survived after they threatened the village in front of you? What about Madara?"

"Huh?!" The siblings looked at her with bewilderment.

"I-I killed him, Kaname-chan," Hashirama explained numbly.

"Yeah, once... Izanagi is one of the forbidden techniques of us, the Uchihas. For the price of an eye, we can turn our death into a genjutsu. From what I know, Madara Uchiha died from old age about a decade ago. You knew him better. Do you think he was just hiding away or plotting something?"

"That's... I failed? No... My old friend wasn't the one to sit and wait for his death..." Hashirama gasped.

"See? You're not as effective as you thought." She extended her hand towards Tobirama and made a come-here sign, "Try me, Virgin-chan."

"Uhh?" The Second Hokage blushed, "Not again..."

"Hoo~. It seems I was right. So, which one?" She asked jokingly.

"...Huh?"

"Which one of your arms is bigger, Virgin-chan."

"W-what?"

"I mean, you're about 55 years old virgin, one of your hands must be stronger than the other. I know that we were taught to hide from our enemies and strike from the shadows, but you're one of the few that used those skills to avoid fairer sex. Don't you worry, I have a friend that has ins into some brothels, she will help you finally get laid."

Tobirama took a step back like something scalding hot was pressed to his face.

"Hahaha, what a burn!" The First Hokage laughed out loud.

"Pfft... Huhuhu" His younger brother joined in, chuckling, "You were right, Hashirama. She is precisely like Mito-aneue. Even their roasts match almost word for word. Saru, Kaname has my blessings - she can become the next... Huh? Where did she go?"

"Hehe, she left a note, Tobirama-sama." Jiraiya picked up a piece of paper slowing floating down towards the ground, "Umm... She kindly asked us to... Fuck off."

"Hehehe. Just one question, I heard stories from my Kushi-chan about her aunty Mito. Why does it look like you were scared by her Niidaime-san?" Minato asked good-naturedly. The First and Second Hokage trembled in fear.

"Hohoho~ You were too young to remember her, Minato-kun. I never was scared to anger my Sensei, but Mito-sama... She wasn't someone you dared to cross, ever." Hiruzen laughed.

"... Mito-chan was... She could become a Hokage if she ever wanted to. But her Uzumaki's temper erupted every time I proposed it." The black-haired Hokage added in terror.

"Ah, right. I know what it is like to have an Uzumaki as a wife..." Minato replied numbly.

"Jiraiya-kun, what about you? You're my student and taught my successor. The queue skipped over you. If you want to, we can make it happen."

"Beg my pardon, Sensei, but kiss my ass - this is not a place for me."

"I see you do have a problem with choosing a new Hokage, Little Saru. What now?"

"I had one more student, your granddaughter, Tsunade-chan."

"No..." Hashirama slumped down on his knees. "Tsunade-chan will pawn Konoha..."

-----

"Are you okay, Kana-chan?" Utakata carried her in his arms.

"Yeah, adrenaline is wearing off," Kaname replied sleepily.

"Sensei, are you alright?" her two students met them at the hospital entrance.

"Good that you're here, Torune, Koji." Two explosions of red fire flashed in her hands.

"uAAAH-" a penetrating cry of two babies stopped the moment both siblings looked at the smiling face of their mother.

"Hehe, cute." she chuckled, caressing babies' bubbly cheeks and turned back to her students, "I will send one of you to Mizu. Mei-chan must be scared, looking for those two rascals."

"I can go, Kaname-Sensei. Koji-san still needs to check on his family."

"Good. Thanks, Torune-kun."

"Take it, Torune." Utakata passed over a seal.

"Izumi-chan reserved an operating room for you, Sensei." Koji added, once Torune got sent off, "How bad is it?"

"You know me, Koji-kun. I will be ready to kick your arse tomorrow at sunrise."

"Heh, sure. Good luck to both of you." Sarutobi's clan member left them at the hospital entrance.

-----

"I'm the doctor here! And I said no!"

"Pleaseee~ just a tiny bit, I'm dying here, Izumi-chan!"

"Do you want the full list of how fucked up your body is inside, Sensei? I don't understand how you're breathing without being connected to a respirator. Nor why are you conscious after such a dose injected into your veins. And now you say you want to go jog around the building?!"

"But it's so boring..." Kaname complained.

"GRAAAH!" Izumi's anger exploded, "YOU ARE HERE FOR ONLY TWENTY HOURS! DEAL WITH IT FOR AT LEAST A DAY!"

"I don't want to..."

Izumi facepalmed, "Utakata-san, help me persuade this stubborn mule... Utakata-san?"

"... And... Peekaboo!" The young father played around with his son, doing stupid expressions. From time to time, Utakata's eyes ventured to look at Naruto, who ran around the room and laughed with his baby sister on his arm.

"Utakata-san!"

"Ah? Ehm, yes?"

"Your crazy girlfriend thought of having a morning jogging - help me convince her that's a bad idea."

"Kana-chan, you know that Haru and Kushi will cry their hearts out if they see you going out without them. Can you wait for that, for at least another couple of hours? For me?"

"Uh, we can just take them with us - I don't see a problem here."

The sounds of scratching were heard outside the window. When Kaname's eyes turned around, they noticed the snout of an overgrown border-collie climbing through the opened window.

"*WOOF*!"

"Little Butterfly? Are you here?" A woman saddled on top of a ninken questioned.

"Yeah, mom. We're here, welcome back."

"Firstly, from the smell, I reckon we're in the hospital. What did you do now, eh?"

"I'm mostly alright, you know me, I planned everything out. But plans, as always, did not survive the clash with reality."

"You sound alright, I may be blind, but I will check on you later." Sachi extended her hands towards Kaname. "GIMME, NOW!"

"Heh, okay... Utakata, do it as I asked."

The jinchūriki chuckled, walking towards the elderly woman, he carefully passed the boy to Sachi's waiting arms, "This is Haru, your grandson."

"Huhuhu, a grandson!" The blind woman lovingly caressed the boy's cheek.

"And!" Utakata continued.

"Huh?"

"This is his younger sister, Kushina." Utakata passed the second bundle to a speechless Uchiha.

Sachi's jaw hanged loosely, her arms felt the weight of two of her grandchildren. Sachi's lock of her was lightly tugged by the bundle on her right arm. "T-T-two?" Tears of happiness fell from below her blindfold.

"Yep, what did you expect three? Two almost tore apart my-"

"SIS!"

"Ehem... So yeah, Haru was born about thirty minutes before Kushi. They're both three weeks old."

The room was enlightened by a flash of yellow light, "Kana-chan, Hiruzen-sama is calling for you." Minato teleported into the room - his eye sported a black bruise after his recent talk with his angered son.

"T-That voice?! M-Minato-san?" the elderly woman blubbered.

"Ah, Sachi-sama. Nice to meet you again, heh, that's a long topic to explain, may I do that later?" Sachi dully nodded at his request, "Hey, Naruto-kun... May we talk?"

"Maybe later, Father. My family needs me." Naruto shot down the request.

"Uhh... I see." Minato flashed away with sadness written on his face.

"*Sigh* Naru-chan, come here," Kaname called for her adopted brother.

"Ye- Ouch?!" Kaname painfully nudged the top of the blonde's head.

"The heck are you doing? I thought you were happy about your father coming back? I won't be able to keep him here for a long time. I wanted you to at least talk between each other."

"I'm happy. I just, I never knew how it feels like to have a father ~ttebayo. I don't have a freaking idea about what to talk to him about. My father returning, and all, is good, but... I just can't see him as my parent, Sis. So just showing back and thinking we're a proper and good family is too much, you know?" Naruto explained, "Sis's smiling face is my oldest memory. So, ~dattebayo... I mean, we were always a family, you are like a m-mo-."

"Heh, it's okay, Naru-chan." Kaname hugged the blonde teen, "I never wanted to replace aunty Kushina, but I know what you meant. I've somehow grown to motherhood. You can call me whatever you want."

Naruto turned his head sideways, "No, I got used to calling you Sis already ~ttebayo." he laughed out, scratching the back of his head.

"I see, now I want you to go find Minato-san. He doesn't have much time left."

"But I- I don't know what to talk about with him ~dattebayo?"

"Hmm, first you should apologize for hurting him, then, hmm... You wanted to learn Rasengan, right? Who is better to ask about the technique than the creator of it?"

"Heh, thanks, Sis." Naruto kissed her cheek and turned towards the window.

"You can find him on your favorite spot," Kaname winked, "You two have a fixation of nice landscapes when you're brainstorming." she pointed with her chin at the Hokage's Mountain.

"You will need to tell me more about my parents later, Sis!" the blonde flickered out the window.

"Ask him yourself, baka," Kaname commented.

"W-What happened right now?" Sachi asked, dumbfounded.

"The short version? Konoha was attacked by Orochimaru. In his infinite wisdom, the Snake brought back all Three dead Hokage's to raze the village using its symbols of peace. Expecting that move, I borrowed control over Minato-san's body. Hashirama-sama and Tobirama-sama, later, also fell under my control. Now we're dealing with the aftermath."

"... Can I just go back to Hot Springs Country? It was so peaceful there..."

"What about your new grandchildren? Would you leave them here?"

"What are you talking about, Little Butterfly? They're not leaving my hands for any foreseeable future. I would take them with me."

"Hehe, they will get spoiled with you. I see you act the same way as with Naru-chan."

"Ha! Twice the number, eight times the fun!" Sachi laughed out.

"Hmm, I don't understand the math here."

"You don't have to! My duty as a grandparent is to spoil my grandchildren rotten!"

"Yeah-yeah. Do as you wish..." Kaname fell back on the bed, tired.

"What about the call from Hokage-sama, Sensei?"

"I know what he wants. Nothing's lost if we make them wait for an hour or two - they won't start without Minato-san and me."