11 Get Wasted

"Where am I?" Kaname groggily opened her eyes and saw the sky.

"How many times do I have to ask you to think about yourself, Sis? It's like almost every time you meet Akatsuki, you end up half-dead ~ttebayo." Two Naruto's were running across the ground, holding the stretcher she was lying upon.

"How- how is Utakata?"

"He is alive, Nee-san. I don't know what you and Chiyo-baasama did, but you saved him."

"Thanks, Hina-chan." Kaname whispered gratefully. "And Chiyo?" Her question was left without a reply for fifteen seconds, "... I see."

"C-can you tell me what happened, Nee-sama? When I woke up, I saw you three unmoving. I-I thought you have died and panicked."

"I tried to use a <Reanimation Jutsu>, Hina-chan. For the price of one's life, you can attempt to bring someone else back from the dead. Chiyo knew it too - she saved Utakata and me."

"Hmph, like always, you try to shoulder everything on your own, Nee-san. Did you forget that you've two children waiting for you at home?"

"No, Sasuke-chan. I'll always try to get the best outcome out of any situation. I would do the same for either them or the three of you without a second thought. I know if I'm no longer here, Haru and Kushina would be in good hands. Their and your well-being will always be my primary priority."

"Ugh. I don't know if I should be angry or not at you ~dattebayo."

"As you woke up now, Kana-chan. Can you take us back to Konoha? We completed our mission. Despite my clear orders to stand aside, those two imbeciles went after an Akatsuki on their own and miraculously rescued the Kazekage. I'm still amazed how close they were to get themselves killed." Pakura requested.

"Hehehe, all's well that ends well, Paku-nee!" the blonde scratched the back of his head.

"Hmm, we will have to talk about putting yourself at unnecessary risk, Sasuke, Naruto."

"Nee-san, as I see it, they only took an example out of you." Hinata summed up.

"Wow, you're getting better at this, Hina-chan! Three years ago, you wouldn't be able to snark back at me." Kaname chuckled when Naruto's girlfriend flushed red, "And back comes your timidity. Haha, don't worry, you're still cute."

"I believe you know more than I do, Kana-chan. Can you tell me what happened?"

-----

"Report."

"Tobi is heavily wounded, but with my help, he will get back up in a week or so." Black Zetsu stated.

"And Kirigakure?" Akatsuki's leader inquired, turning towards the shark-man.

"I didn't go there. Kakashi the Copycat was a stronger opponent than I imagined. Maybe with Snake's help, I could attack the village, but without him and exhausted as I was, I didn't stand a chance against Mei, jinchūriki of Three-tails, and Zabuza." Kisame snarled at Orochimaru.

"Kakuzu and Hidan were... Fufufu, wounded, after the fight with Utakata-kun. Our plan in Iwagakure was stopped even before it has started. Their jinchūrikis are being monitored. I halted my- I mean Sasori's spies, that were attempting to leave the traces of Konoha's shinobis there."

"As we expect Kaname's retaliation, I allowed myself to bring Ame's civilians to the shelters. The evacuation is thirty percent complete."

'Huhu, Kana-chan has them running around scared like insects. Konan-chan rarely speaks out in our briefings.' Orochimaru chuckled.

"If we didn't extract the Six-Tails, I would call it a failure..."

'Speak for yourself, Nagato-kun. It was the best day of my life - killing that old fool was so delightful. I won't forget the feeling of Kusanagi slowly driving into his heart.' the Snake Sannin smiled, "We need to wait for Kana-chan's next move. She'll come at us with a vengeance - we need to be ready for her."

-----

"Yo, Granny." Kaname's voice made Tsunade jump in her seat.

"You know what the doors are for, Flat Board?!" the Hokage yelled out at the woman.

"Yeah? To let your guests in, right?"

"... Taking into consideration your assistance during the last attack, I'll let it slide this time, Flat Board."

"This time, eh?" Kaname grinned.

"Don't push it, girl. So, did you come here to give me a report or just to piss me off?"

"Both."

"It figures..." Tsunade groaned.

"To give you a short version. Kakashi is exhausted but alive, Gaara is alive, one very cool elder from Suna unfortunately died, Utakata died, Naruto, Sasuke, and I almost died."

"Wait! Utakata? What? You made it too short, stupid Flat Board!"

"Ah, Utakata got better, don't worry about him, Granny." Kaname explained succinctly.

Hokage facepalmed, taking two deep breaths, she called out to her assistant behind closed doors, "Shizune! Bring me aspirin!" the chaotic Uchiha smirked at her, "Make it three!"

"So what about you and Jiraiya-san? Did you-" Kaname jumped away from a stack of documents flying at her.

"If ninety percent of them wasn't blackmailed in some kind, I would order ANBU to kill you right now, Flat Board! Because of you, sensei has some weird idea that I'm somehow interested in that stupid pervert!"

"I believe he wasn't opposed to this, was he? And ninety percent? You're underestimating me, Granny." Tsunade caught her chair and prepared to throw it, but a sudden knock to her office stopped her.

"Tsunade-sama, I have got the pills- oh, Kaname-san, welcome back!"

"Thanks, Shizune-chan." Kaname smiled.

"... Okay, can you give me a tiny bit longer version, Flat Board?" Tsunade downed a glass of water.

"Haah, it's too boring. I wrote it all in the report."

"It has like three hundred pages! It's a freaking book, for heaven's sake!"

"Three hundred and seventy-four, shadow clones for the win. But if you want to hear it... It all started twenty-four years ago, I was born-" Tsunade's chair smashed the opposite wall and broke apart.

"GET BACK HERE!" she roared after the black-haired woman.

-----

'Heh, it always works.' Kaname teleported into the hospital.

"Kana-chan?!" a female gasped behind her.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Kurenai-chan. Did I teleport in front of you?" Kaname pulled the beautiful woman back up on her feet.

"No, it's not a problem."

"Hmm, wait, we're in OB, right? What are you-?" Kurenai's face started to turn red, "Oh- OH!"

[AN: OB - obstetrics/midwifery]

"Please, Kana-chan, don't tell anyone. I just got informed about this myself."

"Well, congrats, Kurenai-chan. Do you want me to bring Asuma-kun here?"

"Wait! I-I want to do it properly, not in a hospital."

"Okay. I understand, Kurenai-chan. Where do you want the package delivered?"

"Package? Ah, no, you don't have to kidnap Asuma. He was requested by the Fire Daimyo to escort his sister around the village. No, don't even think about that!"

"What?" Kaname replied hurtfully.

"You wanted to do something stupid to that girl. I saw it written on your face! She is only sixteen and sees Asuma as her guardian, nothing more."

"Yeah, you can go ahead and tell that to yourself, Kurenai-chan. Be right back, just a tiny little abduction, okay? Those kids can take care of escorting a stupid girl that doesn't know her place themselves."

"You know she is royalty, right? Haaa... And I thought this was going to be a calm day."

"Even more reasons to take care of it, Kurenai-chan!"

"... I know I won't be able to change your mind. I don't want to have problems because of it." Kurenai groaned, sitting on a nearby bench.

"Hehe, good choice, Kurenai-chan. I'll get to it in just a sec. I need to check up on Utakata and Doofus-kun."

"Huh? Has something happened to them?"

"Nah, Doofus exhausted almost all of his chakra, and Utakata just died a little bit." Kaname waved towards the woman, walking down the corridor.

"... Huh?" Kurenai looked in wonder at the back of her younger friend, "Nah, I must be hearing things."

-----

"How is he?"

"Bruised. Suffers from chakra deficiency. Otherwise, Kakashi-san is okay, sensei. He will be back up on his feet tomorrow morning."

"Good job. Izumi-chan."

"Hina-chan's aid worked wonders. With the help of Byakugan, it's much easier to pinpoint the damage to the chakra network." Hinata flushed at the praise.

"Take care of the rest. I'll go check up on Utakata." Kaname's students nodded at the clear instructions.

-----

"-ck! Not again!"

'Ugh...' he was woken up by the sound of something small hitting the floor and the following dragging of a metal chair across the ceramic tiles. Utakata struggled to open his eyes - half a minute later, he barely opened his right one. If he had any strength in his body left, he would spring out of bed - below the desk to his right, he noticed a pair of beautiful long legs hidden behind tight hot yoga pants. The woman's lab coat rolled up around her hips, uncovering a very sexy sight for his sore eye. 'Ah, In death, am I going to live through the best days of my life repeatedly? Not the worst way to go. Saiken, you here...? Haah, someday we will meet again, old friend.'

As expected, once she found the pen she dropped, Kaname slammed her head into the bottom of the desk, "Huh, I have a weird sense that I did that before?" She looked over her arm - their eyes met.

"Hey there, Snail Boy." Her voice was like honey to his ears.

'Even if it's a dream, I will make it right this time.' he swore, whispering "-lug..."

"Hehe, slug, or snail. One slime for all I care. How do you feel?" she walked up to Utakata, delicately caressing his cheek.

'Huh? I don't remember her being that caring?' he thought, slowly sipping the water Kaname put in front of him, "Fatigued..."

"Hmm, yeah, you're the first human that somehow survived the removal of a Bijū. I'm sorry for Saiken."

"...Not dead," Utakata groaned, setting his head back on a pillow after their conversation took an unexpected turn, "Just taken prisoner."

"Yeah, I'll flail their minds for what they have done. We will find Saiken, don't worry about that, Utakata."

"Where am I? How long?"

"Hmm? We're in Konoha - I just brought you here."

"You're different... Everything is..."

"I was just worried sick for you. I didn't tell anything to Kushi and Haru yet."

"Kushina and Haru?!" Utakata jolted, sitting up straight in his bed, his body screaming in protest. "But how?"

"... Hahahaha! Did you think you were dreaming or something? Hahaha!" Kanama laughed her ass off once she understood Utakata's thoughts.

"But..." His body fell back towards the hospital bed, "... Saiken was taken away. A jinchūriki will die once a Bijū is extracted."

"Yeah, you did die, baka." Kaname smirked, "Luckily for you, there are ways to bring a dead man back to life, and no, it's not <Edo Tensei>."

"But you said it once yourself. We're only humans - we can't bring back the deceased? So how?"

"Hmm... You still don't believe me? Let me show you that you're very much alive." Kaname hummed seductively.

------

"Just around the corner. Kushi-chan, don't run, please..." the pale-eyed beauty walked hand-in-hand with Naruto. Behind Hinata was her mom, her teammate, and Sachi-sensei. Kushina and Haru, after they heard that their father was wounded in combat, were very worried and asked to come. But their reactions were totally different: while Haru stayed silent and nervous at his grandmother's side, his sister was like a fluffball of craziness running around the corridor checking what's behind each door.

'Hmm? It's silent in there.' Hinata took a peek through the door's window and froze in place. Her face quickly changed itself into glowing bright red color.

"It's here? Let's get in! I need to talk with Sis about that Rasengan. It was so kickass ~ttebayo!" Naruto extended his hand towards the door's handle.

"You can't!!!" his girlfriend toppled him. Hinata landed on top of Naruto's groin, pinning him to the floor.

"There you go, my princess. At last! Show him how we the Hyūga's do things. Just take him here - we will give you some space." Shiori cheered her daughter.

"Umm~ Etoo~" Hinata mumbled, looking at Naruto's left hand on her breast.

"Huhuhu. Don't mind us, my princess." the Hyūga matriarch chuckled, the veins around her eyes swelled, "<Byakugan>!"

"Umm? Have I got a say here ~ttebayo?"

After two seconds, Shiori gasped, "Oh my..." She used her palm in an attempt to hide her smile, "Huhuhu, Kana-chan surely knows how to ride it out... Good thing that she remembered to put a silencing seal on the doors this time."

"Huh?" It took Mikoto several seconds to understand the reaction and meaning of her teammate's words. "... Hahaha, let's hope the boy survives it, still, I know of much worse ways to die. That's one... unique coping mechanism they got there. Don't be a miser! Move away and let me watch as well!"

"Hmm..." Their teacher hummed in appreciation.

Mikoto took a step back, "Sachi-sensei? A-are you angry? We're just joking!"

"I'm not angry. I may be Utakata-kun's in-law, but we're getting along nicely. I do enjoy knowing that his promises and words are very reliable. It's one of his virtues."

"Hehe, I believe Kana-chan screams out several others of his virtues right now, sensei." Mikoto laughed.

"They're young - when I was their age-"

"Ugh... I just imagined sensei and some other old guy together in bed." Mikoto grumbled, interrupting Sachi's words.

"Hmm, you called me old, girl?" Their teacher hummed sweetly.

"Now, you have done it, Miko-baka! Run!"

"Hahaha-!" Mikoto leaped after her friend, her laughter fading with distance.

Sachi put her fingers to her mouth and loudly whistled, "Hina-chan, you can take your time or find yourself a room. We're family whatever you choose to do..." Hamimaru came running, sitting her enormous body near Kaname's mother, "Haru, Kushi-chan, come with me. We will play tag."

"What about papa?" the girl questioned but followed her brother's steps, climbing on top of Hamimaru's back.

"Your mommy and papa are sleeping, Kushi-chan. We three will have some fun while they rest, okay?"

"Umm... Okay?"

"Hami-chan, please, find those unruly students of mine."

The border-collie waved her tail, "*Woof*!"

------

"What's this, Shizune?"

"A contract with the team fixing the East gate. It was damaged after the last attack, Tsunade-sama."

"Twenty thousand Ryō for fixing a gate? Are they insane? It's a pay for an S-rank mission!"

"We already received a major discount on the repairs. The team is led by a man named Tazuna. It seems he believes he holds a life debt after Team Kakashi's mission in Wave Country." Shizune replied.

"... Why do those idiots always attack Konoha? Even if they can't get past our defenses, our coffers aren't limitless." Tsunade groaned.

"Hahaha." Jiraiya sat comfortably on a sofa in front of Hokage's desk, "You're better than me at managing finances. You survived for so many years only on Senju's money."

"I think you meant to say I almost ruined my grandfather's entire fortune. Let's be honest, I suck at this, Jiraiya."

"Hmm, let's agree to disagree, Tsunade-hime." he replied confidently.

"ANBU!" Hokage ordered.

"Hai, Hokage-sama?" A man flickered in front of her. He wore a mask that resembles a cat's face covered in green and red markings.

"Where is Kaname? Did she find Sense- *Ehem* Sarutobi Hiruzen's whereabouts?"

"Kaname-san is taking care of the wounded in hospital. According to the report provided by Hinata Hyūga, Utakata-san was dead for several minutes. Kaname-san's mind, after such a loss, is understandably a mess at the moment."

"Tenzō." Jiraiya called the man out, "Get Kaname here. I have a bad feeling. We need to find Hiruzen-sensei as quickly as possible."

"Hokage-sama, your orders?" ANBU waited for Tsunade's word.

Tsunade looked at her teammate, a nod of his head later, she stated, "Do as he says-"

A purple-haired ANBU barged into the room, "Tsunade-sama, we have an emergency!"

"Neko? Report!"

"It's..." She put her finger behind her mask to wipe the tears away, "Team Guy came back. There are *sniff* casualties among them. Neji Hyūga told us that Orochimaru and Akatsuki attacked them."

"Find Kaname!" Tsunade bolted through the window with Jiraiya right behind her.

-----

"Kana-chan." She woke up hearing a whisper in her ear.

"Give me ten minutes, Utakata." She hummed sleepily.

"We have guests. It seems urgent - you need to wake up."

"Uh..." Kaname sat on the bed, hiding her upper body with a white hospital quilt. The first thing she noticed was the sounds of hustle coming from behind the doors. Then she looked at her guests, "Ah, Woody and Yu-chan? What's going on?"

"It's..." Yugao's voice whimpered.

"Hokage-sama wants to see you, Kaname-san."

"... Tenzō, tell me." She insisted.

The ever stoic man hesitated, "Hiruzen-sama and Duy-san were killed."

Kaname gasped and trembled in anguish, "No..."

Utakata put his hand on her shoulder, "Orochimaru." she growled, "Only if I-"

"Kana-chan! Don't you dare to put it on yourself! It wasn't your fault." he halted her train of thoughts.

"But I could save him, Utakata. I completely forgot that Tsunade was going to send Jiji after me!"

"Kana-chan, you did what you could. Who knows, maybe if you went looking for Hiruzen-sama, Naruto or Hinata would get killed?"

"I... I need to talk with Tsunade. Tenzō." Kaname did a circle with her finger, signaling him to turn around.

-----

"Damn it! What should I do?" Tsunade kept walking around, thinking about her next step.

"You are taking it better than I thought you would, hime..." her teammate pointed out.

"I'll mourn Hiruzen-sensei later, with sake in my hand." she replied, "Now, I need your help. My brain just isn't working - I'm drawing blanks. It's time to plan what we say to other villages. Hiruzen-sensei... was a renowned figure, his death will have repercussions across the Elemental Nations. It all depends on me how Konoha deals with this."

"I..." Jiraiya stopped for a single thought, "As a Konoha's master spy, gossips and half-truths are my forte. But this time, I think we should be honest, Tsunade-hime."

"Honest?"

"I agree with Jiraiya-san." Kaname jumped into the room.

"You..."

"I'm sorry, Tsunade-san. I just heard of what happened."

The Hokage deflated, "... Fuck! I want to blame you, but I can't!"

"Believe me - I want to blame myself, but Snail Boy knocked that idea out of my mind."

"... Okay, what are you two talking about?"

"You can invite the representatives of each village. Three days to prepare the funeral should be long enough for them to come over, Tsunade-san. We weren't the aggressors. A distinguished man was assassinated. Jiji wasn't as revered in other villages, but even our enemies respected him."

"I... I see. This way Konoha can point the entire world's eyes on the problem of Akatsuki." Tsunade summarised.

"Or, I can try to go undercover into Amegakure and try to find out where Nagato's main base is. We can then pinpoint our attack on him directly." Jiraiya gave another option.

"Nope. Nagato knows how you look like, Jiraiya-san. If they have a barrier around the village as we do, they will find you in seconds."

"Hmm, she is right, you know? Rejected. That's a stupid plan, Jiraiya."

"Ugh..." Ero-Sennin groaned in displeasure, "I'm also a seal-master! I can deal with a simple barrier."

"I will ask Shizune to send out invitations... I-I need to forget about today. Don't look for me." Tsunade pleaded, walking towards the doors.

"Where do you think you're going without us, Granny?" Kaname pulled Jiraiya's hand and followed the blonde Hokage.

"Uhh... Whatever, come with me if you want to."

---- OMAKE ----

"Have you seen Asuma-kun?" The haughty tone of Daimyō's sister was annoying. It was a pure miracle she just didn't swat the fly down the stairs.

"No, I didn't. Can I enter my home? You're-" Kurenai held back saying 'an eyesore' and finished with, " -blocking the entrance."

"Hmm. Tell Asuma-kun I was looking for him. I have got a gift for him. Do you think he likes red or white wine?"

'Yeah, watch your step, harlot. I might have left some traps there on my way up. He doesn't drink alcohol.' Kurenai smiled sweetly, "I will, and I think he would appreciate white wine."

"Hehe, thanks! Maybe I missed him somewhere. I will go look for him!" The young girl jumped down the stairs.

"Haaa..." Kurenai opened the doors to her flat and froze in place.

Asuma was naked, bound in red ribbon, hanging from her celling with an apple in his mouth.

"... Well, at least she packaged him nicely."