13 13. Full Moon

The stars magically decorated the almost black sky, there were a lot of them, I don't think I have seen so many before. 

I sighed gently. It is so magical...

I don't know why, but I felt the tears streaming out of my eyes. I quickly chased them away by blinking. Where did they come from and why? 

I don't understand what was happening to me. A moment ago I warded off a few tears in my face, and after a while, my eyes were getting glassy again. It was hard for me to breathe, and my chest tightened. I shrank inside myself and pulled my knees up to my chin with my arms wrapped around my head, squeezing my hair as if that would help me with something. 

My wolf shifted inside me, trying to shatter the chains of bondage. He wanted to go outside. He jerked and snarled. 

Why?

Why is he talking? After all, it was so good, he was sitting quite so quiet that I forgot about him sometimes... 

My shivers increased and took over my entire body. I was shivering uncontrollably. 

What this is about?!

I opened my previously clenched hands, releasing my previously squeezed hair. And then I put my hands around my entire body. I dug my nails into my arms, hoping the pain would take away these strange sensations. 

In despair, I looked at the sky, at the moon.

There was a full moon.

If I were just a normal shapeshifter with a free wolf it would be clear that I'm approaching a transformation, but I have long since learned to ignore the fullness, and my wolf even during that time was brutally trapped and only sometimes struggling to look up, so what had changed? What happened to make him react so violently? What happened that my body is trembling in some strange despair and tears are pooling in my eyes? 

The answer came out of the blue, displaying the reason for it all in my mind. And the reason of it all is was one person - Samael. 

It's all his fault. It's his fault that I feel it all, that my whole body aches, that it feels as if something is suffocating me. It's all his fucking fault! 

How could he do this to me?

How could he?!

I felt tears streaming down my cheeks, and I dug my nails into my arms harder, breathing hard. I looked away from the moon and looked out towards the forest. When I trying to suppress it all within me, I heard a loud howl. 

It belonged to the wolf. To Samael. 

How did I know it was his wolf, that he howled? I just felt it.

The howling was full of suffering or sadness, in this state it was difficult for me to distinguish the two feelings... Or it was a longing? I don't know. It didn't interest me. He made me feel like that, so he should suffer for it. 

With hopelessness and weakness, I stared into the forest, still trembling all over my body.

First, in the darkness appeared eyes, blue and intense. They were like a storm or a thunderstorm in the middle of the impenetrable night and the silhouettes of trees. Then you could see a moving shape, just an outline. Samael started to come out from among the trees, his wolf was big and beautiful.

He walked confidently, outright challenging the world to try to stop him.

His eyes were fixed on me. I couldn't look away from him. All the feelings intensified. I couldn't take it. I closed my eyes and started rocking back and forth like a child abandoned in the rain and in among the dark.

Go away, go away - I whispered in my mind for nothing. 

The words of a long-heard song appeared in my head. I began to sing them softly, hoping that they would chase it all away, that I would wake up and it would turn out to be a dream. 

~ I put a question to the Mirror:

Where am I?

Appearing and disappearing like a dream.

Expected little kiss memory.

In moments when I wasn't afraid of anything.

I was with you.

Now like falling flower petals.

The loneliness in my heart is growing...

Before I knew about it, I was abandoned.

I was afraid of real feelings.

Fragments of old memories...

Now I want to feel them, I want to feel you.

Time brings hard trials.

I suffer and it grows stronger.

but I cannot forget your suffering.

It was your smile that made me realize.

Who I really am... ~ 

My soft voice carried away a gentle wind. I had only one desire in my mind... I wanted it all to go away... It went away and never came back.

I opened my eyes and looked at Samael with watery, teary eyes.

We looked into each other's eyes, and unspoken words swirled between us.

The world seemed to blur until there was nothing left in it but Samael's piercing eyes full of desire and domination, but also a strange tenderness, softness. I felt as if my understanding of the world was disappearing as if I was ceasing to be myself. As if I had no control over my own body and mind.

It seemed as if everything was shrouded in the thick fog...