Running Out Of Time

The time before a deployment is weird. It's not like what you might see in a war movie: The protagonist(s) sitting sullenly in their house, barracks room, strip club, etc. That may have been the case for some, but for me it has been a strange mix of anticipation, and dread.

On the one hand, I'm incredibly excited to go do what I was trained to do, but on the other I feel like I have so much left to do at home. It's all things I likely would have procrastinated on anyway, and failed to do. But It's the idea that now I CAN'T do it even if I miraculously found the will to fulfill 25 years worth of un-kept new years resolutions if I wanted to.

It's a sense of disconnect, as if by going to the other side of the world it will somehow unplug me from my old life. I suppose in some ways it will, but I have to remind myself that it's not as if I'm gone forever.

I recognize that I'm effectively rambling out my own internal monologue here, and my back and forth outlook on the situation is either a solid example of the emotions I'm experiencing right now, or making for a completely incoherent piece of literature for the reader to follow.

All of the training and preparations we've made has the soldier in me more than ready for what's to come. But the husband, writer, and avid cake eater are not at all ready to go. Try not to misunderstand me, I am harboring no second thoughts about the mission itself, and what we're fighting for. Rather, I'm just reluctant to willingly miss out on all the things a year from home will ultimately result in. It's as if everything I've been doing will be put on pause. In fact, that's what spurred me to start writing here, on this site. I want a sense of normalcy. To be able to write, and have my writings read regularly.

There are several people who have been pulled from the mission thus far for various reasons. Usually due to health concerns, or administrative issues such as a total BS situation where one of our best guys couldn't get a security clearance due to something out of his control. I would be lying if I said that some days I'd thought about how I would feel If I broke my foot and had to stay home.

I can confidently say that despite the perks of having good internet, regular access to clean water, and a distinct lack of Taliban were I to be here at home, I am still motivated and eager to do this. I've come to terms with the negatives of leaving home, and decided for myself that the adventure is not only worth the risk, but the things I've convinced myself that I'm afraid are only temporary. I don't have children, or a business. The only thing at home that will miss me is my wife, and she's used to this.

And so, I guess this is just a confirmation to myself more than anything that not only am I ready to go, I'm excited. If you never hear from me again, assume I died heroically, or that the internet access is non-existent.