85 A solitary ice among the snow

There was something nostalgic about floating – or rather, the sensation of it – Ganyu noted. The degree of freedom that comes from not having gravity root you into the ground was something she hadn't felt for a long time, only recently reintroduced as she took on the sudden assignment Ningguang gave her.

And while she would love to bask in the pleasant sensation of the wind's gentle breeze and the sunlight's warmth as she did the last couple of times, the embarrassment that came from being caught red-handed rendered those desires effectively mute.

"U-uhm, I can explain…." she stammers, her body fidgeting slightly.

"I'm sure you can," the honorary knight drawls, the humor on his voice still present despite his laughter having died down, "but let's save it for when you have both of your feet on the ground. That'll make it much easier for you, wouldn't you say?"

Not wanting to further make a fool of herself, Ganyu nodded in response. The moment she did so, the invisible yet strangely firm grasp the wind had on her body slowly dissipated before it disappeared completely the moment her feet met the solid ground.

Though a part of her missed the comfort brought by the wind's caress, she quickly shook her head and began straightening out her dress. Just as she finished brushing the last of the crease off, the sight of the honorary knight patting the wooden fence he was sitting on caught her attention.

"Here, have a seat and enjoy the breeze. The winds would do wonders to calm that nerves of yours," he said, before he suddenly paused and shrugged his shoulders. "Or don't. You're free to do whatever you like, really."

Without waiting for an answer, the honorary knight turned away, his gaze once more directed towards the distant view.

Grateful for the reprieve, Ganyu placed a hand over her chest as she took several deep breaths to calm herself down. Despite her attempt at being subtle, she was still caught in the end. Thankfully, the honorary knight seems to take things in stride. One less thing to worry about, she thought.

After somewhat managing to quell her nervousness, Ganyu started walking towards the honorary knight, her eyes looking over the edge of the terrace before it moved towards his white mask. Meeting her gaze, the man nodded encouragingly towards her, after which Ganyu moved her legs over the fence, letting both of her heels dangle freely in the air as she took a seat right next to him.

As if on cue, the winds started to pick up, its cold breeze somewhat neutralizing the heat of the midday sun. Coupled with the sound of rustling leaves and the gorgeous view, Ganyu found herself relaxing at the pleasant atmosphere despite her previous hesitation, now swept away by the very wind she let herself bask in.

"Feeling better?"

"…yes." She took a deep breath, holding it in for several seconds before letting it all out. "Much better."

"Good." The honorary knight shifted slightly, hugging his raised knee before resting his arm on top of it. "That's good."

Seeing that the honorary knight showed no inclination to continue speaking, she too chose to not say a word. With the two's lack of conversation, silence began to reign, leaving the sound of wind to dominate the quiet atmosphere.

This kind of serenity was not an unfamiliar thing to Ganyu. After all, she had lived the majority of her life around the adepti, who much preferred the tranquility of the mountains over the rowdiness of the lands the mortal dwelt.

However, unlike the pervading sense of isolation she always felt over in Jueyun Karst — and Liyue too, as she found out later in life — there was none to be found in this situation. Rather, it was the kind of silence that could stretch forever and she wouldn't feel suffocated even if it did.

It was familiar, yet different at the same time.

A nice change of pace from her usual monotonous routine.

She likes it.

It's a shame it had to be broken, sooner or later.

"I'm sorry," she began, her eyes not daring to meet the honorary knight's, instead focusing towards her hands that were occupied with twiddling her thumbs, "For listening in, I mean. I know you said not to worry, but…."

"It's fine." The honorary knight turned towards her as he offered his reply. "Having met Xiao myself, it's obvious why you would. I mean, he doesn't exactly give the best first impression."

"No, he doesn't," Ganyu couldn't help but chuckle, though it was quick to disappear as her expression turned into one of disappointment. "But seeing your interaction with Xiao back then, it makes me think about just how much I actually know about him."

"Does it make you feel like your fears were unfounded?"

"It does," she nodded. "All those preconceived notions I had about him… it makes me feel like… like…."

"Makes you feel like shit?"

Staring at his white mask, Ganyu likes to imagine that the honorary knight probably had an amused smile on his face right now, one that she tried her best not to mirror given how infectious his mood is, "...for lack of a better word."

"Isn't it great then, that it's not exactly the end of the world?" Yet another chuckle escapes the honorary knight's mouth as he seemingly marveled at her reaction. "You can always come back here another day to apologize. On one of his better days, of course. Just to be sure."

Ganyu thought about it for a bit. She imagined herself standing in this very terrace, going against every instinct she had regarding Xiao as she tried her best to convey her sincere apology towards the blank-faced yaksha.

It didn't take long for Ganyu to come to a conclusion.

"Maybe not anytime soon," she decided. "Xiao might not be the kind of person I thought he was, but it doesn't make him any less scary."

"Of course," the honorary knight nodded in understanding. "In your own time, Miss Ganyu."

"'In my own time,' huh?"

She repeated his words in a mumble as a thoughtful look began to form in her face.

There was probably no deeper meaning behind it, but that seemingly innocuous phrase hits her harder than she expected. Perhaps because it reminded her of her own skewed perception of time; yet another facet of Ganyu's heritage that separates her from others

And as soon as that thought popped up, Ganyu was reminded of the whole reason she went out of her way to eavesdrop in the first place.

She raised her head and glanced discreetly towards the honorary knight.

'What should I do?'

Wrought with indecision, Ganyu fidgeted in place as her mind was dragged into her previous mental tug of war. A part of her wanted more than anything to seek an answer, to arrive at a conclusion she has never been able to reach for the majority of her life.

Yet, another part of her was reluctant to do so, for the simple fact that she doesn't want to lose the people she had had the pleasure of knowing. Is it worth burning these bridges she never expected to form just to satisfy her own desire?

Ganyu ponders over her choice in silence.

"We should probably go back, Mister Yuu, the others are probably wondering where we've been by now," she finally said, breaking the silence once again.

It was difficult to hide the despondency she felt as she uttered those words, but she managed to hold it in.

In the end, her fear triumphed over her desire.

A shame really, but she couldn't help but hold on to this novelty of having friends. While it's nothing more than a temporary fix to her lonely heart, the comfort of having people that doesn't judge you for what you are is not something she could simply let go of.

"They probably are, aren't they?" The honorary knight answered with a hum as he glanced towards her. "It has been a while since the whole talk with Xiao started, so it's probably best if we return. Wouldn't want the others to think something went wrong, would we?"

"...no, of course not."

Ganyu mentally sighed. She just couldn't bring herself to do it.

'It's just like last time, all those years ago.'

Before Ganyu could begin to dwell on the past, she swiftly cut those thoughts short. She did the right thing back then, and no amount of self-loathing could convince her otherwise. Instead of drowning in her own remembrance, Ganyu focused on the familiar sense of resignation that followed. It didn't quite hit as hard as it used to, but it still stings.

This is for the best, she thought. Though it might not be quite what she wanted, it's not exactly the 'end of the world', as the honorary knight puts it. There was no need to be greedy, she assured herself. Having a group of people she could genuinely call friends is already more than what she could've asked for.

She repeated those thoughts in her head over and over again, if only to convince herself that it's true, and to drive away the dull pain throbbing in her chest.

"Miss Ganyu?"

"Huh?!"

She was so caught up in her thoughts, that the sudden nudge from the honorary knight nearly sent her falling over the edge. Thankfully, his hand was quick to hold her in place.

"My bad, I didn't mean to startle you," the honorary knight said in an apologetic tone.

"I-it's fine." Ganyu shook her head, her answer coming out in a stutter. "Sorry, I was… lost in thought for a bit."

"Clearly." The honorary knight gently pulled her back, only letting go once he saw that she had regained her balance. "Must be something important if it makes you zone out like that, huh?"

Ganyu looked away towards the distant river before she answered, "I suppose you could put it that way."

She could see the honorary knight staring at her from the corner of her eye, what expression he had currently beneath his mask was unknown. She hoped her words were enough to deter him from pressing further, as flimsy as it was.

Once she saw him turning his gaze elsewhere, she felt the relief washed over her body.

Before Ganyu could have any second thoughts, or for the honorary knight to suddenly feel like asking, she swung her legs backwards, and once her heels found their footing, she put some force into her hand and pushed herself into a standing position, ready to beckon the honorary knight to come back with her.

Or she tried to, at least.

Just as she was about to move away from the fence, the honorary knight suddenly grabbed her by the sleeve.

"Mister Yuu?"

The honorary knight remained silent for a bit before he eventually spoke, his gaze remained focused ahead of him, "Isn't there something else you would like to say?"

"Pardon?"

Finally, he looked up towards her. With their gaze now meeting one another, the honorary knight tilted her head as if to convey his confusion, "I'm pretty sure you're not here just because you're worried for my well-being."

Ganyu tried her best to not look away despite the sudden spike in her heartbeat.

"...what makes you say that?"

The honorary knight chuckled. "I'm not sure if you realize this, Miss Ganyu, but you're not exactly good at being subtle." His outstretched arm then began to gently tug at her sleeve, prompting her to sit back down. "You kept stealing glances at me several times that it's hard to think there's nothing up with you."

If she could maintain eye contact before, she finds it infinitely more difficult now that she's being called out.

"…I'm not sure what you're talking about."

"And you're quite the horrible liar too, it seems. Good to know."

Ganyu opened her mouth, wanting to deny his words as untrue, but she suddenly hesitated at the last second.

Something that the honorary knight took note of.

"You don't have to hold yourself back with me, you know?" With his voice notably gentler, the honorary knight continued in a coaxing manner. "You're free to speak your mind, I won't judge. Especially with how much it seems to bother you."

She snapped towards him, eyes wide in surprise.

"How can you tell?"

The honorary knight let go of her sleeve and pointed at her, his finger inches away from her face, "Like I said before, you're not exactly the subtle type. I mean, it's so obvious that it's practically written all over your face."

Unconsciously, Ganyu moved her hand towards her face. Was she really such an open book?

"Anyway." Not giving her the time to contemplate, the honorary knight shifted his position so as to fully face her. "Won't you tell me what's bothering you?"

Ganyu stared quietly at the honorary knight.

What she should do in this situation was obvious. All she had to do now was say no, and given what she knew about the person next to her, he probably wouldn't push for an answer once she made herself clear.

The answer was right there, staring her right in the face.

All she had to do was say it.

"I…."

So why does she find it so hard to even say a word?

Deep down, Ganyu knows why, she just didn't want to admit it.

'Why am I like this?'

Despite not wanting to be selfish, the moment the honorary knight asked her with such care, her conviction suddenly went flying out the window. It honestly surprised her. Has her heart grown so weary that she would crumble at the first sign of concern?

Or perhaps it has more to do with the person showing them?

She didn't know.

Suddenly, she felt something tapping against her forehead.

Quickly, her gaze became focused once more. As it did so, she was met with the sight of the honorary knight, whose hand immediately pulled back the moment he noticed the clarity in her eyes.

"That's the second time this happened, Miss Ganyu."

She felt a blush creeping onto her face at his admonishment, "Sorry, I was just–"

"Drowning in your thoughts again?"

Ganyu nodded slowly.

The honorary knight laughed, further exacerbating her embarrassment to the point that she wanted to bury herself into the ground.

Only when his laughter died down did she have the courage to face him once again. This time though, she noticed that there was a slight change in his demeanor. His now upright posture betrayed his somewhat playful nature.

"You know, in my experience, nothing good comes from bottling everything up for yourself."

Perhaps affected by the sudden change in atmosphere, Ganyu felt her body tense.

Seeing that he now had her full attention, the honorary knight continued, "Sure, you can persist for a while, ignoring the heaviness that slowly suffocates you from the inside. But at some point, you're bound to reach your limit. And when you do…."

The winds suddenly began to gather in front of her, the usually invisible force of nature began to take the shape of a balloon, gradually increasing in size. As the air continued to be pumped inside, the honorary knight snapped his fingers, causing the now oversized balloon to pop.

"...you'll crumble, unable to withstand the mounting pressure. As for what happens after… well, it depends on the person, really. Some might simply stop functioning properly, while others resort to doing things they normally wouldn't.

"And I'd rather not see it happen to you. Not if I can do anything about it."

The honorary knight then put his hat down before scooting over closer towards her.

"So I'll ask again, Miss Ganyu."

Despite his gaze hidden beneath a mask, she could feel its sharpness piercing through the veil she hid herself behind.

"Won't you tell me what's bothering you?"

___________________________________

A lot of things could happen in the span of a thousand years.

Generations of mortals come and go, a once small and insignificant nation could grow into a powerhouse that held the wealth of the entire world in the palm of their hand, and the field that was once teeming with Glaze Lilies could suddenly disappear in a single night, erased by a flood that came out of nowhere, reducing it into nothing more than an overgrown marsh.

And in that duration, no human would be able to live through its entirety and live to tell the tale, because they are mortals not blessed with the gift of longevity.

Perhaps they would live their life having experienced one of these monumental events, or perhaps they would live their entire life without being able to do so. It's all a matter of luck, a result of a dice roll that was made long before they even came to be.

It's safe to assume then, that to these short-lived beings, a thousand years is something that is unimaginably long.

As for those that are blessed with longevity?

Well, with their perception of time, a thousand years might as well be as short as the blink of an eye.

For the half-adeptus Ganyu, that's just how things are.

Until it no longer is.

___________________________________

Surprisingly, or perhaps unsurprisingly, she was quick to give in to her temptation. The moment the honorary knight posed the same question to her the second time around, it was as if the floodgate crumbled in an instant and words began to spill out of her mouth without her realizing.

Still, despite her newfound eagerness now that her fears were assuaged somewhat, she retains enough clarity of mind to not get ahead of herself.

"It never used to cross my mind, really. What I really am, I mean."

And so, as her eyes glazed over with memories of the past, she began to recount her story.

"Things were a lot simpler back then, more clear-cut. All I cared about at the time was fulfilling my duty as a servant of Rex Lapis and nothing else. Even if the thought ever did cross my mind, it would've been nothing more than meaningless thoughts. A distraction. And nothing is more dangerous than being distracted in the middle of battle.

"When the war was finally over, I chose to stay in Liyue and took over the mantle of a General Secretary in order to better the harbor's polity. With the nation at its infancy, the first of the Liyue Qixing would need all the assistance that they could get. And I was more than happy to lend a hand.

"It was a decision that would end up granting me a Vision."

Ganyu then paused, before looking down at the square gem resting on the palm of her hands, its soft cyan glow highlighting the cryo symbol inscribed upon it.

"I think that moment ended up being the catalyst of what's to come."

The honorary knight, who had been silently listening to her story with rapt attention, suddenly asked, "What happened?"

She didn't immediately answer, instead continuing to stare at the Vision in her hand.

"I started to have doubts about myself," she paused, before immediately correcting herself. "Or perhaps it's more accurate to say that the doubts that I have of myself but never really entertain the thought of suddenly became more pronounced, now that the cracks begin to show."

The air surrounding Ganyu suddenly started to cool as she unconsciously let loose a bit of cryo energy into the gem in her hand, leaving behind a thin layer of frost.

"I was never really able to wield the elements, you know? Unlike Rex Lapis who could move mountains with a wave of his hand, or Xiao who could traverse through the wind as easily as breathing. Even then, the blood of Qilin within me granted me enough power to cut through Rex Lapis' adversary, and I was content with that.

"When I asked Cloud Retainer about it, she told me that it would take some time before I could do what the others have been doing for a long time. I wasn't a full-fledged adeptus yet, she said. I didn't really question it since I was comparatively younger than the others, so even after the war came to a close and nothing changed, I wasn't really worried."

Ganyu suddenly paused as her face took on a sad smile.

"In the end, Cloud Retainer's words came true. I was finally able to wield the elements." There was a certain bitterness in her tone as she remembered what she felt at the time. "Just… not in the way I thought I would."

"Is that a bad thing?" she heard the honorary knight ask. "To make use of your Vision like it's meant to be?"

"We don't need a Vision to be able to make use of the elements around us, Mister Yuu. At least, an adeptus shouldn't." A sudden burst of frost exploded in her hands, encasing her Vision entirely in ice as tears began to well on her eyes. "The fact that I needed one in the first place was… distressing, to say the least."

Ganyu felt the gentle wind surrounding her begin to shift towards her face, wrapping its invisible hold just beneath her eyes, gently blowing the tears away. She glanced towards the honorary knight, her morose smile turning a bit brighter at the gesture.

"I had a… long conversation with Cloud Retainer after that." The fact that it's more of an argument than it is a conversation went unsaid as she continued. "She… told me everything, and suddenly a lot of things started to make sense.

"Why I was never able to transform into a full-fledged Qilin despite others being able to do something similar easily, why I was never able to hide my horns while others can seemingly assume the form of a human flawlessly, why the others were able to manipulate the elements without a Vision while I needed one; it all came down to one simple fact.

"Unlike the others, I was born a half-blood."

A half-blood. One part human, one part adeptus. Existing as both at the same time, yet not quite one or the other. The root of her constant internal struggle.

"In hindsight, it should've been obvious. It really should have." Ganyu could feel the cold around her begin to intensify, but she couldn't bring herself to care. "But the mind of a child is malleable, Mister Yuu. And when they've been told the same thing over and over their entire life, they tend to not question them."

There was a point where she would've felt anger as she thinks about that moment. But now, all she felt was a cold emptiness. A sense of apathy.

Before she could drown herself in negative thoughts, a sudden warmth enveloped her hand, snapping her out of her brooding.

With her gaze now focused, Ganyu saw the honorary knight placing his wind-covered hand on top of hers, slowly rubbing his fingers against the bits of ice that had frozen over some of her own. Slowly, it started to crack bit by bit before it shattered into dust, bringing some warmth to her cold hands..

The half-adeptus felt a blush creeping into her cheeks, bringing with it a different kind of heat at the sudden intimate gesture.

"Do you resent her?"

Thankfully, the question that followed broke her out of her daze.

"Huh?"

"Cloud Retainer," the honorary knight clarified. "Do you resent her for lying to you all those times?"

Ganyu maintained her gaze at the honorary knight before she shook her head and lowered them once more, "No, not anymore. Cloud Retainer just wanted what's best from me, and I came to understand that. Eventually."

"But?"

She paused, before letting out a sigh.

"But… I can't help but wish she would've told me about it in the first place. If I could come to terms with what I am early on, then maybe I wouldn't have to deal with… all this."

Her fingers, now devoid of ice, slowly curled and wrapped itself around the honorary knight's own. The comfort it brought was too much for her to let go.

"Maybe I wouldn't have to spend every waking moment of my life thinking of what could've been, of how much more simple everything would be if I was born an adeptus, and not having to be reminded of the things I couldn't do, like I am some kind of defective product."

Ganyu could feel a bitter taste in her mouth as she practically spat those words. Her stomach churn at the comparison she thought she threw away long ago, causing the grip of her hand to tighten unconsciously.

"Maybe I wouldn't have to be so scared to be around the people of the harbor Rex Lapis worked hard for, haunted by the thoughts that they wouldn't hesitate to turn on me the moment they knew that I'm not the human that I pretended to be."

Even the thought of it was enough to make her lightheaded. Hundreds, thousands, perhaps even tens of thousands of people looking at her like the freak of nature that she is, with their gazes full of ridicule and scorn that made her want to curl in on herself.

"Maybe I wouldn't have to feel like… like…."

Her words were cut short as she could feel her head start to spin, the overwhelming sense of vertigo that followed practically swept the ground underneath her feet. Too exhausted to do anything, the half-adeptus couldn't muster the energy to fight back, leaving gravity to do its job.

Until a pair of arms managed to catch her just in time.

She didn't bother trying to resist the sudden pull, nor did she squirm her way out of the equally sudden hug. Not when she's too tired to do anything.

"...like you're the only person in the entire world?"

Even through her choked sobs, Ganyu could hear his question all too clearly.

The only reply she could muster came in the form of a nod.

Her silent answer was met with a soft hum, followed by something warm slowly making its way towards her back. The sudden contact made her jump a little, though it wasn't long before she felt her body relaxing, practically melting onto the honorary knight's shoulder as she felt him tracing his fingers in a circular motion on her back.

"There, there," he said, in that same gentle voice that brought her comfort. "You've been through so much, haven't you?"

Her hand desperately clutched the honorary knight's shoulder as she nodded.

"It's okay now," a weight began to settle on top of her head, landing in between her horns and began moving back and forth gently, "you don't have to hold yourself back anymore."

She tightened her grip around him unconsciously, their close proximity causing her horn to graze the honorary knight's head. While she normally would've reacted immediately, this time she couldn't bring herself to care.

"Let it all out."

If before she was trying her best to hold back the tears, the moment the honorary knight said those words, something broke inside of her.

And for the first time in what felt like an eternity, she well and truly cried.