1 001 Got hit by my own stupidity
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I wake up in a daze state in which i am not used to. My head pounds like a heavy cast iron weights are on top of me, crushing me constantly. That how heavy I feel right now. I sit up straight and stretch a little to at bare least relieve the feeling something dumped into you like a ton of molten bricks or may be a weighted comfy blanket.
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Thoughts that I get half asleep. A weird one. eerie ones to be precise it left me feeling of lost and a sense of losing my identity thats how strange they are. Im perplexed into the point that I want to recall those vivid dreams to sort them out so they make absolute sense. I am too detacched from my mental state that I unvoluntarily cant control what I think or dream in that matter. 'This simply will not do!' 'I WANT TO REMEMBER!' I, who value the vivid, intricate details of something or anything to its process up to the finished product, is one of my few hobbies in my past - time.
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Dreams. I desire to repeat them as I consistently keep track every one of them in a special unicorn glittery sparkly notebook like a diary. Where I can ramble to my hearts content. To say what ever I please. This measly dreams of mine are a my connection to my mental and spiritual self more like lucid dreaming.
These lucid dreams are when you know that you're dreaming while you're asleep. You're aware that the events flashing through your brain aren't really happening. But the dream feels vivid and real. You may even be able to control how the action unfolds, as if you're directing a scrjpted movie film in your R.E.M. sleep.
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Flashback to my past, before the accident happened as I stare blankly and let my thoughts flow through me like a tidal wave with a big woosh.
The accident happened before I can grasp what wss happening I was hit. And the driver makes a run for it to avoid getting caught for his evil deed and crime that he had commited. I never forgave him for what he done so in my dying death I raised my middle finger with the last remaining strength I had as was soon to greet the afterlife.
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With great wounds and with me pooling in my own blood as I held my favorite book in my hands. The street light seemed so bright as it kept getting brightrr every time i squinted my eyes. Why me? Why now? I kept cursing the world on why it is my time. Why god hasnt answered my prayers to let on another chance to survive. That I could be so many things but its too late now. The bright light luminated so dazzlingly that it was like a camera flash that maxed out the lumens/watts.
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Where was I going? Where am I heaaded to? Heaven seems too good to for me since I myself know of my sins in private i am ashamed of.
But how does a a dead person repent for his or her sins? Is there even an opportunity to be able to do so. May be god is some where watchig my pathetic self dying slowly as my my own pool of blood stains my clorhes in deep scarlett red as it continies to spread across the pavement. So this is how i die...
How inept of an ending
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Did I die? Feeling laced with poignant reminder that i should have valued more of my past time now that it has come to an end. A very tragic one at that. A droplet of tear falls down my blood - stained cheek tracing a transparent line as it drops down with a 'plop'.
My eyes are growing heavy with each heavy breath took. I dont wanna go yet I havent lived my life to the fullest yet. " Please give me another chance!! " I scream at the empty void of nothingness as I hear someone say " Just go to hell! " He yelled back wih his group of peers laughed like a pack of hyenas.
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I wait for them to leave before I start my endless slobbering again I feel like if I start crying it would much painful for them seeing how it will affect me so much. That I would hate my self completely and i would feel the loss or defeat of it all. Plus crying ugly in front of enemies is being vulnerable and weakening. I want to let myself go but I am not going down without a fight. I have to fight this weakness inside of me telling me it is okay to let go.
Is this heaven
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Who kille me holds no importance any more that I am long gone. I want to simply get rid of the battle of my conscious mind and the will of even trying to survive in this cruel world of strangers. And no body cares of a foolish silly girl who is greedy selfish for her own self - gratifying reasons. And what is else their to say but good bye. It not like a miracle will happen and I will somehow be reincarnated or wonderously inevitably reborn to another sexy body rather than this lousy one that has been damaged excessively
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I put my drenched palms together in my face. Tightly. Weeping my last tears.why wait and ask for repentance and may be just may be a god may hear my prayer and send me in paradise for being human . Devotee. I wasn't that at all. I was just plain Jane normal for all to see my norms and my life was pretty typical very average and my wrongdoings was mine own and what ever happen happens for a reason I am in no control over. In what ever case my last words that are merely a whisper like a gist of wind " I'm sorry "
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