10 chapter nine | the past doesn't mean shit

Austin had to work today so he had to leave me to fend for myself. You would think that he thinks I'm incapable of doing anything by myself because before leaving he gave me his number and promised to be back home by the afternoon. In return, all I asked is that he checks up on my baby aka my broken van. but I'd be lying if I told you I was happy he was leaving me. Yesterday was so refreshing and some part of me was excited to see what else we would do. But I have no place to interrupt his life just because I'm a little bored today. I have to keep reminding myself that these people have lives and I need to stay out of their ways. After everything they're doing for me it is the least I can do.

What has happened to me? I've known him for a whole of two days and I'm already turning into someone else. I've always laughed at girls who change the way they talk, walk, smile or laugh just to get the guy. They dress in expensive uncomfortable clothing and matching pinchy shoes, skip their favorite meals, and spend far too long staring at their phones to call a smelly impolite boy her boyfriend. They get drunk on attention only to They lose sight of who they truly are.

I've never met anyone that ever made me like this. That made me nervous, that made me want to be better than I am. I've always known that I'm practically trash but no ones ever made me want to be better of feel like I can be better. Men in my past have either been a one night stand or leaving me more broken then I was before. That's how I've grown up, knowing that men will ruin you, its life and you have to accept it. That is exactly what I've always done, Austin is the only one has ever made me question it.

But what am I saying? I shake my head, my emotional state is making me believe in fairytales. I will never be a damsel in distress, this is not that type of story. There will be no happily ever after or they fairytale ending. I don't need any prince to save me, I can be my own knight in shining armor.

Instead of moping around I decide to go downstairs to make some breakfast. As I walk into the kitchen I notice Austin's mom, autumn, in the kitchen cleaning. If I had to guess I'd say that the kitchen is her favorite place.

"Morning honey. How'd you sleep?"

"I slept great," I tell her.

"Well great, I know it can be hard to sleep in a strange place," she says "So what are your plans today?"

"I don't really have any, I guess I was going to see how it goes."

"Oh good. Since you don't have any plans Would you mind helping me a little? It won't take too long I promise"

"Of course," I tell her "no problem?"

"Do you think you wake the baby up for me while I get the twins ready?"

"No problem," I tell her as we walk up the stairs towards the kid's rooms, considering how she has opened up her house to me I want to return the favor as best I can.

"Oh thank you, thank you. It's been such a hectic day"

"Oh, really what happened?" I ask

"Oh, my mom called, and believe me it's never a good thing. And I have to organize this school dance and the lady who was helping me just called to say she can't because her plate's too. Can you imagine? I mean what does she think I'm doing?" She exasperated while she walks the other way down the hall mumbling 'she thinks her plaits full? I have five kids for fuck's sake'

The baby was sleeping soundly making me feel guilty walking him up, But all good come to an end. Better to learn early.

I always loved babies even though most people called me crazy. Most of the time when a girl says that she really means she wants a baby soon but not me I just happen to think they look so innocent and peaceful and if anyone can appreciate that beauty it would be me. That and who could resist their chubby cheeks."Hey there bud" I whisper while picking him up. Slowly Rocking him awake. I grab a jumper to change him into then we start to head back to the kitchen. I can hear the twins complaining as they come down the hall. I sit the baby in his highchair and start to make some breakfast for everyone. Hopefully making it One last thing for autumn to worry about. the twins must be homeschooled from what I can tell from the way Olivia sits down at the dining room table with her workbook. I wonder if all the kids were homeschooled or if it was just the younger ones.

"But mommy why do I have to wear pants?" Braxton whines tiredly to his mom climbing up onto the kitchen stool next to his sister.

"Because you're too old to be walking around in your underwear. Besides your both brothers wear pants, why can't you?" he doesn't seem to like what she said though because he begins to pout but I quickly give him a plate of waffles and his face brightens instantly. Kids are so easily distracted.

"Thanks for doing this Sam, I need to keep you around," Autumn says.

"It's not a problem," I tell her while handing the baby over to her.

"So how long are you going to be staying?" she asks me.

"Till the winds change," I say in a mystical voice. I don't really give her a straight answer mostly because I don't have one to give. I mean I like it here but I don't know if I could make myself stay. Telling her I'm leaving when the winds change is as true of a statement as I can give. The Truth is I have no destination and no plan.

"So secretive today I see. Don't worry I won't push ya, I like mystery. My older kids are so serious all the time. There No fun" she complains.

"I don't know, they don't seem too boring," did I just say that?

"Maybe," She laughs. "It must be the pretty girl." Wow, this women is not hiding any of her cards.

"No, that's definitely not the reason," I say laughing awkwardly, "besides I'm passing through."

"Oh yes, Merry Poppins style. Just waiting for the winds to shift." she smiles "A shame though, my oldest son seems to really like you" she winks at me.

"Oh no there's nothing going on between me and Austin, he's only trying to help me" I plead with her to understand me. "besides he has a life here. I don't want to get in his way."

"I drought that's how he would see it," she says trying to put the baby back in the highchair but the baby doesn't want to let go of his mamma.

"He has a girlfriend, I'd hate to get in the way," I tell her. Until now She hadn't been looking at me because she was focusing on the baby but when I said this her head snapped towards me.

"did he tell you that?" she asks.

"Um well no I guess. I just assumed he did"

"No, he doesn't date much. And when he does he doesn't bring them home, so technically you're the first girl he's ever brought home. I guess he hasn't found the right one" she says "I wish he'd get to it though, id like some little kids running around here that aren't mine soon. On the other hand, you have Eric who isn't even looking for 'The One'. and He brings EVERY girl home, but not for dinner if you know what I mean. I swear to God if he gets one of those girls pregnant I'll castrate him."

"I got that vibe yesterday when his first words to me were a pickup line." I laugh. I'm still embarrassed about freaking out about him grabbing me.

"That boy! I guess I can't really be the one to complain, I wasn't the best person at his age."

"What do you mean?" I ask. She does not seem like the type to have a wild past.

"Braxton, Olivia, why don't you two start your work, in the living room" she gives them the 'don't argue with me' look and they hop down and go into the other room "sorry I just can't have those asking questions, They're too smart for their age. Okay, what I meant was I didn't have the best parents and so they didn't care what I did or who I was with. I pretty much raised myself which wasn't too bad, it was probably good for me. I eventually went into foster care where most kids are taught that they are nothing so that was how I treated life. With reckless abandon. I dated some pretty tough characters and did a lot of things I'm not proud of before I met my husband. he pulled me out of the mess I made. "

"How did you too meat," I ask

"I worked in a bar that he and his friends always went to. There were as you can guess a lot of hot guys there but he stood out. Not just because of his looks, but also because Instead of staring at my boobs he told me I had the most beautiful eyes. It sounds crazy but it was refreshing how nice he always was. The rest is history" she smiles off at the wall. "It's a hard world. Bad things always tend to happen, it's inevitable. People are not rain or snow or autumn leaves, they do not look beautiful when they fall. But it's the beautiful moments that make it all worth it. If you can find enough of them the bad doesn't seem as dark."

"moments that make you love the air in your lungs" I've been chasing those moments my whole life. Plucking them and hiding them in my pockets.

"Exactly." I give her a small smile.