5 chapter four | pleasure of the chase

I pull into what looks like a cul-de-sac, trimmed grass, doormat, type town. I could see myself in one of these look-alike houses.

These are the places of fake smiles and barbecue parties, a place where your neighbors know you but not well enough to know your middle name or your high school best friend's name. A place to blend in and blend in only.

I pull up to this quaint little mom&pop store and buy some snacks for the road. Then as I walk back to my car the music of an ice-cream truck catches my attention. Children, Forgetting hopscotch and Foursquare, pour out of every crevice, running into the street without thinking -or looking- twice with Mothers running out after their children.

One woman with soft brown hair runs out of the yard after her little girl. The girl has long curly hair, shorts, pink top, and a fake sparkly butterfly tattoo. She runs ahead not waiting for her mother. She jumps up and down trying to see inside the ice cream truck her mother finally catches up to her and picks her up and balances the girl on her hip.

My mom uses to do the same thing to me. She would run out almost as fast as me. She would pick me up and after some debate about which one to choose we always ended up with dilly bars. We would run back through the gate to the back year almost like we were hiding our treasure, And we would eat our ice cream on the crooked old swings. It would drip down our hands and we would have to lick our fingers clean. All smiles and sticky fingers.

For once I've remembered a good memory and it feels good to be happy, to remember a happier time. But a good memory is still a memory nonetheless. And with that, I through the Pringles in the passenger's seat and drive off. Again. Maybe I will never find what I am searching for. Maybe it is something I have made up. Maybe it is impossible to forget. I'll probably always be looking. Always running from my fears.

It almost feels like I have to keep looking. Like there is nothing else for me to do. Nothing else I can do. Even if I'm driving around the country for years, it would not be so bad.