3 CHAPTER 3

"What the fuck? Are you nuts?" Hailey said over the phone as I walked towards the coffee shop.

I was currently at the mall to wait for Hailey. We agreed to meet here inside this cafe after one of us had finished our application and obviously, I was the one who finished first. We were going to my doctor's appointment today. This would be my first official check up ever since I found out that I was pregnant.

"I didn't do anything wrong," I replied.

"You scared him off! He probably just said that because he was caught off guard."

"I don't think so. I'm sure he has planned his fatherhood ever since his parents' annulment." A short pause came between us but she screamed it off instantly.

"Why do I have a feeling that you purposely didn't tell him because you know yourself that there's a big chance that he'll stay here if he finds out about the baby." There was an accusation in her tone.

"Aren't you listening to me? I said he doesn't want a baby! So what's the point of telling him? Before I didn't know that he wouldn't want a baby, my decision was final that I'd tell him about the baby whether he got in Cornell or not. He's the father after all, he deserves to know the truth about the baby." Stopped walking and sat in the nearest seat I could find. "But then, when he said he didn't want a child, I knew at that moment, I couldn't tell him already. I don't want this baby to feel invalidated and unwanted. I don't want him or her to experience what I have gone through."

I knew better than stopping Raver to fly out to Cornell for the baby's sake. My initial plan was to really tell him about my pregnancy even if he got accepted to Cornell. Whatever his decision right after he found out about the pregnancy-- either he stayed and ditch the opportunity of a lifetime or flew to New York and temporarily halt his responsibility as a father-- would be respected. But him, not wanting the baby and definitely had a great chance of condemning him or her because he or she got in his way to Cornell was a different story.

I couldn't bear to see my child being unwanted by the person who should fore and foremost love him or her. I'd rather take the pain and grief than let my innocent baby experience the worst.

I knew what it felt like to be outcast. Even before my adoptive father and mother showed it to me, I'd experienced the same thing in the orphanage. It was lonesome to spend all your time to yourself, not to mention the awful pity I had for myself back then.

She sighed. "Okay, fine. I respect your decision. But you said it yourself that he is the father and he deserves to know. So you may want to reconsider."

"I don't know. I'm kind of settled with my decision right now." She sighed. For years I've known Hailey, I could picture her shaking her head because of my decision.

"Although, you're aware that one way or another, he'll still know that you're pregnant right? I mean in a month or two, your bump will show." Her voice was laced with full sincerity. I gulped and my nerves started to work.

I knew that. However, I still didn't have a concrete decision about that issue.

Should I just say I was bloated?

Or maybe just wear loose clothing so that it wouldn't be too obvious?

Ugh. This sucked.

"I know. I didn't think of that yet but I'm sure I'll find a way."

We talked for a couple more minutes and ended the call eventually. I stayed in the coffee shop while waiting for her, looking at the swarm of people walking across the mall.

I wonder if one of them also had the same problem with me? What would they do? Or what did they do?

Was I making the right decision not to tell him? Who was I really protecting huh? The baby or me?

I knew right after he said that he didn't want a baby yet, he'd freak out once he found out that I was pregnant with his baby. At that very moment, possibilities that he'd completely banish from my life started to show up in my head and I felt longing in my heart as they came by.

I hated the fact that I was being a sucker when it came to him. I hated that he was my weakness. Imagine, in the middle of having a baby, our relationship was my main worry? How fucked up was that?

"Hey, what are you doing here?" He found me while I was lost in my thoughts the moment he caught my attention. "I thought you and Hailey would take up for the next semester?" He said as he sat in the seat in front of me.

POV: Raver

Five months.

Five months left and I'd be going to New York for Cornell.

When Toby told me about the email-- 'cause that jerk was as nosy as hell-- I nearly didn't want to open it.

"Raver, come here. You just got an email from Cornell."

"What the fuck? Stop snooping around."

"I wasn't snooping around! The email popped right in front of me!"

"Of course, dummy. That is my laptop you're using."

"Uh-huh! that's why I accidentally saw it!" I swerved off the laptop from the desk and immediately sat on my bed. "Hey! I'm still using it!" He grumbled.

I opened the email immediately without giving care to Toby who almost cried because my interruption made him lose his game. I disregarded all the unimportant annotations and put my eyes on the very important part of the letter.

Dear Mr. Esteva,

The admissions selection committee has reviewed your application for admission for the winter of 2021. I am elated to tell you that we were able to offer you admission and we are very pleased to be welcoming you to Cornell University!

As I read the first paragraph, I didn't notice my face wasn't showing any zeal and Toby must've recognized it.

"You didn't get in?" He asked carefully. I looked up to his standing figure in front of me. He crossed his arms over his chest while I stared at him glumly.

"No. The opposite." His eyes literally sized up.

"That's fucking amazing! You're going to New York!"

Yeah, I'm going to New York. How lucky, huh?

I really blamed my mom for this. I didn't know why she had to move here with her new family instead of just staying in Canada. If she did not move here, I wouldn't have applied for Cornell and eventually left the country. I just couldn't stand to be in an area where I knew that there was a big chance that I would have to see her and her stupid family.

"Yeah, I guess." My passive reaction to the news caught Toby's attention. He sat on my bed beside me and said, "What's with the poker face? Aren't you euphoric that you got in? Wasn't that the original plan all along?"

I sighed. "Yeah, it was. But to be honest, I've been having second thoughts about the decision lately. I mean, I want it to happen but deep inside me whispers that it is wrong to leave the country." He then patted my back using his rough callused hands but it in a more buddy-like way.

"Is it really about leaving the country? Or is there something else? Rather is there someone else?" I moved my head to face him.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you fucking kid me you little chicken. We both know what I mean." I pushed his arms off me and angled my body in his direction.

"No, seriously, what do you mean?"

"You said you were having doubts about leaving the country but I think you're just making that as an alibi to not really be vocal about your worries regarding your departure." Like a reflex, I immediately stood up from my bed and walked my way towards the office chair tucked in my desk.

This was getting too much heart-to-heart to me and even if Toby was my best bud among my team, I wasn't ready to have an adult-conversation with him, not until his wedding day. I sat in the office chair and put my elbows on top of my thighs as I leaned on.

"What? Of course not! My whole life is here-- my dad, friends and teammates! So basically I'm just worried about the things that I have to give up just to fly to New York." I snorted.

"You're wrong," he said as he moved in his seat to a more comfortable position.

"What do you mean 'I'm wrong'?" I said as I did the air bunnies.

"Your life consists of your dad, your friends, your teammates and…" He was waiting for me to finish his sentence. I had an idea what he wanted me to say but I decided against it.

"And?" I asked back.

"Celine," he muttered as he finished his sentence.

I took a deep breath and waited for his next reply. Me and Celine were inseparable since we were kids and I couldn't deny that we had chemistry. But over the years, I purposely neglected it not because I didn't like her myself or there was a problem about her. I did that because I didn't deserve her.

She was the most amazing and bravest girl I have ever met. For me, she was also the most gorgeous woman in the whole world. Call me an idiot but never did I do or attempt to escalate our relationship into the next level. I tried so hard to keep it platonic with her that I let myself sleep with women and had lapping relationships with them but her. Nevertheless, I still sometimes found myself getting attracted to her like a magnet to steel. Every so often, I unconsciously acted as if I wanted more.

And I really do.

I wanted to make her my girl.

But just like what I said, I couldn't because I didn't deserve her. She deserved better and that wasn't me so I tried to prevent anything from happening between us. I try our little occasional special moments to suffice the affection I wanted from her.

Well that didn't mean I wouldn't chase her. I wouldn't make a move not until I prove to myself that I could be worthy of her. I just needed time and by then, I just hoped that he wouldn't get tired of me yet. I wished she'd wait for a couple more times.

It was selfish though, I knew. But if ever she found someone by then, I'd respect her decision.

Except, I didn't think I'd be able to feel like this with someone else other than her. So if she moved on with someone, I'd be stuck where we left off.

"I've never not had Celine, you know that. Of course, it'll be weird not to be around her," I responded.

"I really don't get the two of you. You both love each other so just be together already! Stop wasting time to be this or that if in the end you two will still end up together."

"You don't get it though." He was about to say something more when I started to speak again. "I'm going to her place, she asked me to come. Better fucking do your lundry after I leave. You kept on stealing my clothes because you don't have anything else to wear."

"I don't steal your clothes! I borrow them!" I heard his scream as I went out of our apartment.

Lunch with Celine was fine. When I got there, I acted as if I was excited to see if she'd feel gloomy but her eyes were practically saying, "I'm so fucking proud of you, Raver. You deserve it.". I didn't know if I should feel merry that she is proud of me or dejected because I wanted her eyes to beg that I should stay here instead of flying to New York. He told me about something that she'd tell me but she didn't get through it

"You said you were telling me something? What is that?" I asked when we somehow were straying in the conversation.

"Oh, u-uhm.. It's about the… uhm…" She looked anxious and her hands were trembling for a bit. Was she cold? Or was she upset?

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Y-Yeah, of c-course I am. So I was going to t-tell you that I'm planning to renovate my study room to be a bedroom. I-I just thought your opinions would help."

That was weird but We went on anyway. After telling Celine about my application, and Toby shouting the news all around campus, it was my dad who was left to have no clue about the news so I texted him to travel from the province to the City to tell him the news face to face.

"What's the big fuss all about?" He asked when we finished ordering. We were here in a restaurant inside the mall. We sat near the windows so from our seats, we could see the inside of the mall.

"Well, I got an email from Cornell," I said after I sipped from my cup of water.

"I thought we talked about this?" My jaw bone moved.

When my dad heard my reason why I wanted to transfer, he basically didn't take it well. He said I was being petty. I thought he was just doing that because he still cared for my mom. My mom who swiftly found a new family after abandoning one.

"I don't want to study here anymore and besides, Cornell's a good opportunity for me." My dad gave me the same glaring look as I gave to the captain of our team's nemesis.

"Raver, we can't afford it. Just living in New York is as expensive as hell," I could hear a drip of rage in his voice.

"I'm not asking you to sustain me financially. Besides, I'll study and work shifts there at the same time and I am on a full scholarship. You don't have to worry about anything."

It was so complicated that I was here in front of my dad arguing to go to New York while at the same time, I didn't want to go. I find all of these futile.

"You're better off here! You don't have to work shifts here and you're not away from the people you love. If you ever get there-- which I do not approve of-- it's impossible that you'll only be staying there for only two years. Of course if they find you a great student, millions of job opportunities await and that'll prevent you from coming back."

"Dad, I-"

"No, you are not going and that is final, Lucas Raver." I turned my gaze away from it because I was so close from losing my cool.

"Dad, I'm sorry but you don't decide what's best for me. I am an adult now and I can make my own decisions now. I'm just telling you about this because you're my dad andI felt I owe you the courtesy too." I turned my head back. "I'm going and that is final."

I stood up and walked my way out of the restaurant. I'd never been that rude to my father but I really didn't appreciate that he wasn't being supportive of my decisions.

I was about to walk my way towards the mall exit when I found her. Sitting by the window of a cafe and purposely watching the swarm of people walking across the mall.