2 CHAPTER 2

"We have to enroll tomorrow for the next semester, don't forget," Hailey said over the phone. It had been two weeks ever since I got the news that I was pregnant. I hadn't got the chance to tell Raver about this yet. I was finding the right time and I thought, since he'd be here, I might as well tell him.

"Oh, shoot. I got the appointment tomorrow," I replied.

"What time is the doctor expecting you?"

"After lunch."

"Don't worry, it doesn't coincide with our schedule. The start to register is at eight so we can still be able to go to your appointment." Thank God I had Hailey. "So…" She paused for a while as I was waiting for her next words. "Did you tell him about it?" I sighed.

"Nope, not yet." I stood up from my bed and went towards my desk to sit in the chair. "Maybe when he'll come by later, I'll tell him."

"Geez, Celine. You know it's still a mystery how he didn't know that you two had sex." I rolled my eyes.

"Even if he knew, he wouldn't know that he got me pregnant. That boy's practically a sex machine and it just so happened that among all the girls he had sex with, I was the one whom he impregnated."

Actually, I also didn't know why he never knew something happened between us. The morning I woke up in his room, I immediately panicked and rushed back to my place embarrassed. I was expecting him to be distant around me and awkward when we met later the day but he wasn't bothered at all. I tried to send signals and clues that could lead him into talking about it but he was so clueless. So because of that, I insinuated that he didn't know something happened between us the night at the party. BUt deep inside me felt hurt that he didn't know about it. It just meant that he thought, I was just like the other girls that he played with and not to mention, he was my first. I never imagined my first to be that unromantic.

"Well, break a leg in telling him. I hope you'll still have the courage by the time he arrives at your place," She said and ended our call.

I looked at the view in front of my desk. My dad bought me this condominium in the city when he got remarried to his new wife. It was the perfect place because my building had a lot of amenities, the mall was just around the block and it will only take me ten minutes to travel to my school using my car. I was debating myself if this was the right place to raise my baby or not.

Except, that wasn't what I really had in mind. I kept putting all these stuff in my head to avert my thought of not planning to tell Raver about the baby. I was actually pondering what could possibly happen if the baby wouldn't grow up with his or her father. Maybe I could raise the baby myself or without Raver's help because I have Hailey who was willing to help me. But I was afraid that one day, my baby would condemn me for not letting him or her meet a father figure.

I washed all of my thoughts in the shower and prepared for a long day ahead. I went to the mall to buy some food and to buy new clothes. I went to the grocery first then walked my way up the boutique that offered maternity clothes. I major in fashion design so being fashionable while pregnant was such a piece of cake for me.

I rummaged on different racks and shoes that I would be needing but everything was still under control. I'd to have the lowest deals as much as possible that was why shopping for clothes took more time than grocery shopping. I thought I wasted my time because frankly, I was only able to buy four clothes.

I was tempted to buy baby clothes because well, even if it wasn't my plan to get pregnant at such an early age, I knew deep inside me that by the time I found out that I had a living person inside me, my love and affection for this baby were endless. I couldn't buy baby clothes because I had to know my baby's gender first and I hadn't even told Raver about this baby so top most priorities first.

The trip to the boutique was a mixture of enthusiasm and warriness. The sales lady kept looking at me like I was someone who would rob their store at any time. Or was she just judging me because a nineteen-year old like me didn't have safe sex and got pregnant? Probably the latter.

Once I finished my errands, I traveled back to my condo, I wore my PJs and cooked lunch for us. I cooked his favorite dish which was beef stew with peanut sauce. I waited for him in the living room when I finished cooking. I turned on the television thinking it would occupy me while I was waiting for him but I just found myself staring at it with thoughts rambling on my mind.

I couldn't believe it. We slept together for one time and now I-- we had a baby?

Like a normal girl, I dreamed of having my own happy family at coming times but all of this was still very early. I thought I'd be able to open my own boutique first or duh, get married first before I ever had a baby. I could picture my father's wrath once he found out about this baby I was carrying. He could pummel me with words that he knew would hurt me or worst case scenario, he'd cut me off. I wished it wouldn't go that further.

Well, Celine, how would you raise the baby? I whispered to myself internally. I didn't have a concrete plan about that but surely, I would raise the baby in a safe and happy environment. I wouldn't let him or her get hurt by this cruel world.

Okay, fine. That's impossible. I wouldn't let that happen until the right time came.

I have to plan some classes that pregnant women came to though. I didn't know if that was actually necessary but based on some novels I read and series that I watch, surprisingly it was a thing. I think my budget could cover that up.

Then a place for the baby.

This condo had two rooms which I used one as my bedroom and the other one as my study room. First day I went to fashion school, I dreamt of turning that study room into my own walk-in closet once I had a steady job. But I guess that dream of mine would have to be postponed, wouldn't it?

This isn't as bad as I think. I mean, this would be easy. I just don't have to think that this is hard. I would encounter hardships yes, I'd give it that but I could do it. I knew I could.

The doorbell sound vanished my thoughts and I immediately got on my feet and scrambled to the door.

"Guess what?" Raver said as I opened the door. He hugged me first before entering my place.

"What?" I answered back.

"I fucking got in Cornell," he said without hesitation.

I hadn't had the chance to close the door before he could drop the bomb and my awe was just so visible on my face.

"Oh my god. Really?" I put both my hands over my mouth. Since I didn't close the door, he did it for me.

"Yes. I got the email earlier. I fucking got accepted."

"Oh my god!!!" I jumped to him so that I could hug him. Oh my god. He fucking got accepted!

Raver's mom settled in Toronto right after her annulment. Eventually, she got married there and had a family. Raver took that seriously and her gesture cost her Raver. Who wouldn't? How could she move on so quickly when her son was even barely handling it. It was a selfish act, if you'd ask me. She could've waited for months or years before settling in, just for the sake of her son but she didn't.

Although, she must be thinking about the time she'd lose if she won't do anything with her life and just wait for everything to heal. If that was the reason, well I couldn't relate to it. I am the contrast of that whole thought. I'd been waiting for Raver since god knows when but look am I now, miserable and probably entering a life that would go downhill the moment I'd screw up badly.

His mom was going back here in the Philippines permanently and one thing I knew about Raver? He was a man of his words. He wasn't the type of guy who just sprung out words meaninglessly. He always had the guts to do every statement and promise that came out from his mouth. So he persuaded his dad to let him admit in a college overseas even if he already had his college life here in Manila.

"How did it happen? I thought they weren't open for transferring applicants?" I broke the hug and the excitement is very evident on my face.

"I wasn't sure. I reapplied once again and the dean from the college of engineering must've been awestrucked by my application. Everything feels so fucking surreal right now."

"You're off until?"

"Five months."

"Oh my god I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you." And he gave me his boyish smile that always made my knees weak. I gave him a smile as well. Although, my smile was probably spoiled. I was proud of him, yes but also… Thoughts and worries in my head started to pile up. But I had to do this first before I even overthink something that had the possibility of not happening.

"You said we have to talk about something, what is it?" He asked. My heart started to pummel. I felt like it would come out of my system anytime.

Fuck. I didn't figure that I'd be this nervous to tell him about my bomb.

"Let's eat first. I cooked your favorite," I said and my walk to the kitchen didn't take more than three meter

because the dining table is basically just behind the door. "I hope you haven't eaten lunch yet. I don't like to eat all of this by myself." and the living thing inside me. I almost added.

I took off the mesh food cover to reveal what I cooked. "Smells great," He said as he inhaled the scent of the viand.

We got ourselves food on our plates and halfway through my meal, he started the conversation about his acceptance in Cornell once again.

"Never in my wildest dreams I thought of getting in. I mean, for a university to consider for a single person is such a big deal." He looked at me with his bedazzled eyes. I could see right through him that he was genuinely happy. And I was glad to see that in his eyes. Once in a blue moon only he was like this; eyes shining in ecstasy and lips curving for a heartfelt smile. What I'd give to always see him in this mood.

"Yeah. Where'd you get your luck? I have no idea." I sipped on my water. "You should've lended or shared me with your lucky star you know? Because I'm telling you, I'm in deep shit right now. Where is the luck when you need it, huh?" I still couldn't believe it. I got pregnant for the first time I had sex? What are the odds? He laughed it off.

He pointed his fork at me. "You," He said while looking directly at my eyes. "You are my lucky star. You made my essay worthy of consideration. And with that, I should be the one treating you the queen, not the other way around."

I did help him.

Nope.

I made his essay.

"Well, I agree with that." I chuckled. There was minutes of silence before he started to talk again.

"You know, this is a very big thing for me. I-- We have worked very hard for this and I swear, I wouldn't let anything hinder this opportunity." He winked at me. "I'll make you prouder, you'll see," He whispered, but I heard each word very clearly. He ducked his head and continued eating.

As for me, I knew I was fucking screwed.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

How could I possibly bring out the baby bomb if he'd just put me to a dead end?

"Really? You'll make sure nothing gets in your way?" I asked carefully. He looked up.

"Yes. Even if it's you." The rate of my heart became faster. Holy hell. Could he possibly know what I was going to tell him.

"W-What do you mean?" He swallowed the food in his mouth first before replying.

"I know you'll try to stop me somehow, you know. But I'll try not to budge because I perfectly know that deep inside you, you really want me to go and your conscience would kill if you stopped me."

That was a fucking relief. I guessed this could be the bridge into telling him about the baby. So I played along.

"Too bad, I could be annoyingly persuasive. What if I beg you not to go?" I wouldn't do it even if it was for the baby's sake. Because he was right. My conscience would kill me if I stopped him.

"That's why I'm asking you a huge favor," He said. His eyes pierced me full of softness. "Please don't. You know even if I told you I wouldn't budge, I would still budge because it's you." He diverted his look.

I didn't intend for this conversation to be about us. This us that was so ridiculous in the first place. We knew we wanted each other but refused to get bind. We knew our relationship didn't extend to friendship only.

Nothing was platonic between us.

It had always been more than that.

And this conversation is about the baby in my womb. Our chaos could be feigned by a whack of indifference for all I cared. I just had to get this baby news on the table.

We'd been talking for a couple of minutes now and I still hadn't told him about the baby.

But as my rational thoughts started escaping away, the paradox started to corrupt my head…

I was actually afraid of letting him go to Cornell. There were these unanswered questions that I'd rather stay unanswered than getting the risk of hurting myself.

What if he drifted apart from me again?

What if he found someone else there?

What if he'd completely leave me behind?

What if he wouldn't come back?

I laughed without humor internally.

You're so fucking selfish, Celine. Think of the baby. Your feelings didn't matter to me. Gather yourself and think straight.

"W-Well, what if you have a very big responsibility here? I mean you could still go but… how would you react to that responsibility?" That was so fucking dumb. What I said was not even connected to the conversation. What an imbecile you are, Celine.

"Cece, what are you talking about?"

"Well, you play a lot with girls." His expression turned dark and his jaw clenched. "What if someone out there is an expectant? I mean, it takes two ti tango, eh?"

That was fucking risky. But I ran out of ideas on how to tell him.

"What?" He laughed but there was no humor in it. "I practice safe sex and besides, I don't plan on having a child. I mean, not at a young age."

And that was it. That was my queue of not telling him.

I was right all along. He wouldn't want the baby.I anticipated that to happen but I never thought I'd feel this way.

I consciously held my tummy as I commanded my tears that I forbid them to come out.

There, there, my love. I know you heard what your father said, but I'll protect you, I promise. You'll feel as whole as you will if you have a father while growing up. You'll never feel empty and incomplete for I'm always here. I'll guide you with every step you take, I'll share every pain you feel. I'll love you whole-heartedly, I promise.